The love of my life - II

[Sandb2015]

Thank you Once Removed,

Yes.  It's a punch in the guts to hear the rarity of reconciliation, that stings... .

I know the possibilities of her wanting to reverse what happened last night, I also know Thursday could be a disaster with all her ability to do the "running and fleeing" with "cause" and just reinforce her push/pull stance in the extreme and I'm emotionally screwed again, not as bad as the last 12 days, true.

I was able to not get stuck with just the negativity even if it has a lot of reality attached in that last night.  I was thinking to wait until my birthday on the first week of Feb. to see if she'd reach out and I couldn't imagine suffering it out.  As I said, with all the other times, she would convey as to why I actually left, why didn't you just come back and so forth.  I'm pretty sure that because I haven't made an effort to see her and sent just one or two simple texts, it reinforced her thinking that I did abandon her and would probably never reach out because I didn't "pop up".  Her close friends (very close for someone with the symptoms), have no idea we broke up and I wonder why she didn't advertise it, I'm thinking it would make it more real to her.

My heart is broken, it's not broken enough, is has a long way to go and I can't determine the direction here and I do know that sitting around won't facilitate anything other than the fact that in her head, I gave up.

I have 3 major issues right now:

1) Living with Aunt and Uncle in their 70's, no stress, little comfort, I'm safe in every way and commute is barely tolerable.

2) My job/income has dwindled to nothing over the last 2.5 years, looking for another close to where I used to live with my love.  I need stability in employment, it's always been my bedrock during rough times/emotional times.  This added to our relationship problems, she has a financial burden and it fell on her a lot, I was helpless and I was cowardly about communicating how bad I felt to not be able to provide better/more, wouldn't help much.  A good job will give me the confidence to withstand whatever lies ahead as a stable point.  I also need to prepare if me and my love reconcile, I can step up financially to gain the confidence in my life and share it.

3) My relationship.  I want to spend my life with her, I have envisioned growing old and actually see it, better times, growing spiritually, emotionally and taking comfort that only a couple could know.  I can't control, I can do everything I can until there is nothing left and I am positive that there is so much to fight for and I hope her struggles lead her to a slightly open door that can stay that way and move a little, just stay open.

#2 and #3 is tightl intertwined, a better job will boost me in so many ways.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Weejie]

I'm very pleased for you. Long may it continue.

[Sandb2015]

My mind is playing tricks on me now.  I'm thinking she is not thinking/feeling the way she was last night and it's giving me stress.  I'm fearful of the cycle that may or may not be happening.  Did seeing me inspire something good/great? Did sleeping on it inspire the the things that make her cut off? Yuck!

I need to stay positive and hope what she was feeling last night may be the crack in the wall that will help her, help us, give me the opportunity.

We would have honest discussions over time and of course I never took them with the seriousness they deserved... .That she would feel great and secure mostly when we are with each other and when not, her mind would go into imaginary land to think I'm seeing someone, flirting, being weak from some woman's attention.

Sp I'm thinking that without seeing me physically, she steadily reinforces her delusions.  When she sees me, it clears the fog a bit, I'm convinced of that and last night may be proof.

[once removed]

Sp I'm thinking that without seeing me physically, she steadily reinforces her delusions.  When she sees me, it clears the fog a bit, I'm convinced of that and last night may be proof.

Sandb, i think it would be a big mistake to attribute the breakup to her having "delusions". she had legitimate reasons for the breakup, and they are likely not gone, and you will need to see them and treat them seriously, because in order to get this back on track, you are going to need to resolve them. she has some idea of how much she struggles in relationships. shes afraid that that may be unsustainable.

it is likely more complicated, in that she felt conflicted; its not as if she wanted to break up, but had to. seeing you appealed to the side that didnt want the breakup.

I'm thinking she is not thinking/feeling the way she was last night and it's giving me stress.  I'm fearful of the cycle that may or may not be happening. 

what happened last night is a very tentative situation, Sandb. anyone in her position would likely have some doubts the next day. staying positive, without taking actions that will benefit you going forward, will not be enough. whats the plan?

[Sandb2015]

It was just a glimmer, no discussion of getting back together or anything, just a connection she still has.  No anger, just sadness and the look of guilt.  I didn't do or say anything to challenge, a little tear here and there, that's it.

Nothing concrete and I won't push, hopefully seeing me more with my new mind  will show her something and show herself something?

She is still not responding to texts, simple statements, "have a great day", no response.

I will see here again tonight without request, she requested we meet tomorrow.  It was such a great chance I took yesterday after 12 days and I believe my effort of going there and driving very far to where I sleep is showing her.

I will fight every cell to be who I was last night, to see and do what is needed.  Little talk last night, I can't wait to validate something.

[Sandb2015]

Once removed, thank you.

What I meant as delusions were the ideas of untrue and impossible things to prove she would think.  I know now that validating is important, I won't label as I have and I don't know what to call them "here", definitely not to her or anyone else.

Validate! Do the opposite of what I've been doing.

No JADE, did that mostly as well.

Simple and light until I need to validate.

We were like two damaged people, damaged in two very different ways connecting with each other.

I see how fragile the situation is, my dukes are down, my antenna is down, I'm not "waiting and reacting" anymore.  I have nothing to prove and I can see her as a separate entity I have no control over.  I only have a smile for her and simple responses, I'm treading very lightly here.

[Sandb2015]

Asking her to get back together, it's too soon, eating together, maybe.  Just enjoying each others company to establish something more comfortable.

I don't even know how to break the ice without waiting for her to say something.

[once removed]

What I meant as delusions were the ideas of untrue and impossible things to prove she would think.

i understand. i think she on some level, knows that too. she mentioned to her sister that she would do this if she were in another relationship.

theres a lot of shame and pain in BPD. it is hard on a person with traits of BPD to be in a relationship. its hard on their partners. most of them are aware of that on some level, which is doubly hard.

but that awareness doesnt mean that she will not continue to accuse you of those things. dealing with a jealous partner isnt easy. we have a workshop on it: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=78324.0

Validate! Do the opposite of what I've been doing.

it is true that people with BPD traits need an extra dose of validation. dont confuse it though, for a solution to every conflict. learn, in general, to "not be invalidating". learn also, not to validate the invalid.

so whats going on? have you spoken to her today? she asked you to text, right?

[Sandb2015]

She asked me to stop by her job On Thursday, we both leave work early.  I'm going tonight, She knows I work late that's why she asked me to come on Thursday, today I'm leaving a little early to see her at work.

Correction, my love told me and her sister this would happen no matter what, with anyone, the difference is, I love her and I have faith in myself, her and us.  I know what this is and I have a good grasp to move forward and deal well in almost every way.

She did not ask me to text anything other than when I got back "home" and I did, she said' "OK,thank you, have a good night". first something in 12 days other than to tell me to leave her sister alone and she's going on a date (far fetched).

I texted "good morning, have a great day"---nothing

Later "hope your leg feels better"---nothing

I'm still thinking of perhaps a round 2 from last night, one day before her request.  Seeing me is so very different.

[once removed]

she asked you to come tomorrow and youre coming tonight?

I texted "good morning, have a great day"---nothing

Later "hope your leg feels better"---nothing

 

slow down.

[Weejie]

She did not ask me to text anything other than when I got back "home" and I did, she said' "OK,thank you, have a good night". first something in 12 days other than to tell me to leave her sister alone and she's going on a date (far fetched).

I texted "good morning, have a great day"---nothing

Later "hope your leg feels better"---nothing
I'm still thinking of perhaps a round 2 from last night, one day before her request.  Seeing me is so very different.

That might tell you something. She responded to you when you did as she asked. Not when you texted off your own impulse.
Go easy. Don't overcrowd her. Maybe better to wait until Thursday.

[Sandb2015]

Yes, she asked me to come by Thursday “if I can make the time or have the time “

I work late tonight, leaving early to just see her, she knows I work late tonight.

I’m looking for us to have the trouble we had, she always said when I’m not around, I should be, she feels better.

I want her to see the effort even if she doesn’t and I’m not holding it against her,

[once removed]

no response to two texts is a major sign to back off.

there is a difference between showing effort and flooding her.

show strength here. the strong move is to keep cool and give her space.

[2020]

Hey Sandb2015.

It has been a while. How is it going for you now? I am hoping you are not suffering as much as you were. I have been quiet myself as things have calmed down a lot and it is almost as if none of it never happened. Strange... .Hoping you are experiencing the same.

[Sandb2015]

No, things are a mess, I will post more later, I'm figuring out the real ups and downs here.  I run to her and she gravitates towards me so I keep running and same until it's not. 

I can see clearly that using the tools here such as validating is powerful stuff, not giving into my own impulse to JADE which was my base.  I t feels good to step "outside" my norm to not JADE.  She acts a little different when I recognize her feelings and not let the words cut, it's just feelings of frustration and struggle and I try to address those feelings even when the words don't make sense.  I have always used my best mind to counter the words and bring her to clarity, my unfair clarity about perspective and what I presumably know is a "better" for us, how arrogant.  Iv'e been clear to her that I did't recognize her feelings.  Validating her and listening to her feelings, seemed to have a calming effect on her and me.  I haven't seen her as her own person, It's hard, I am starting to see that she exists without me in this world and as much as I love her, she has to exist outside of me.  That is beyond difficult.  It is like letting go and hoping she will still be there without my claws dug in for dear life.

[Sandb2015]

My general anxiety is less now, very tough transition... .  I would send a text and start feeling palpitations and a higher sense of sensitivity and anticipation of a response, no response and the imaginary bs involved with what it may say, always imagining the worst most hurtful reply and start ruminating, desperation, negativity over and over, torturing myself, just torture based on my own mind.

I feel less stress now, It takes a mountain for sure to see that she is not someone I can control or put thoughts in her head, I still keep hope attached that she as an individual person with her own mind and heart and issues can fight and win to have us together because my plan is healthy if she can.

In the meantime, I've been pushing like hell, smothering her and it worked for a little while until she started the "push away" and I validated, didn't react like I used to, it's exercise and I can do it, it has a positive reaction in terms of slowing down and lessening the episode.  She is struggling with many non real world issues involving us, that is how she feels.  She thinks she is one of the many, she talks about the influence of my clothing from an ex, she thinks she is a rebound (we're together almost 4 years), she thinks me keeping in touch, seeing each other is holding us back from moving on, she blames me for everything wrong with us, she can't have a relationship and wants to know who I will go back to regarding exes, do I want to date, my family must think she is horrible, she can only be alone etc... .lots of projections and I am quiet or validating which calms her or doesn't boil the water.  She says we love each other, loved each other and it was all my fault, remaining connected to my past, no closure from my past, being so nice as to leave an opportunity for them to contact me if they want etc.  I listen and kinda filter through the words to hear feeling and validate, I get a different reaction from her, no acceleration in anger, voice, more hurtful things.  It all makes a difference.

The insult... .she says when I end it, it ends, I never want to see that person ever again, cut forever.  She is referring to me and she takes pride in her "strength" to end things.  I know her history, she stated it, 90 days and that's it, not sexual also.  She has really thrown some guys under the bus badly, they had no idea and are still cursing her probably, she would laugh.  We are together (past month not) about 4 years, everyone knows me, likes me, very conservative family really appreciates me knowing how difficult their daughter is-told to me in confidence and she is reverting back to her 90 day guy thing.  I know she is doing everything she can to go to that "protective" place she goes to justify a cut, I'm not one of those guys in reality, I am in the inner circle and not some secret 90 day guy. 

She is in struggling mode, back and forth.  Not a heavy pull, not as much heavy push, more words than actions.  The first night she invited me to her home to eat after seeing her two nights in a row, she said she is confused. are we friends?  I said no and smiled, she smiled also.  She wants to run and I'm not making it easy.

I'm a "better mess".  More repaired to act/react in a healthy way.  Sometimes I feel I have a pliable, healthy, content Labrador  on my lap and other times an old angry and hungry, beaten junk yard dog.

I love them both, they are the same , please excuse the analogy, I would never refer to a woman as a dog.

We have spent some days together, went over her home, saw her son, ate together at her home with son, we were intimate, so normally awesome, no serious talking, just some family issues we discussed like two connected people, we were happy during those times and it wasn't the time to talk about us issues, just enjoy and tread lightly and be prepared for that time to come.

Last night on facetime, she says I shouldn't say that we had a great day, she didn't (mood switch), how do I know how she felt? She said she take pride in her consistency and her behavior with me is absolutely inconstant, she says there was no goal spending time together after really enjoying the time obviously.  So contrary, so contradictory.

I understand her struggle after a great day for both(real, not my imagination), she feels good and doesn't like it so the case building against us being together starts up to fight the connection she may feel.

I will be just a little less smothering, I will still push to show her that I am not going to disappear as she is convinced.  It's not easy, I have to see her as a person I love apart from me.  I can't control what she will think or do.

She only initiated once on Sunday night after I told her I am staying at a hotel close to where she lives on Sun and Mon night, she blew me off Sunday and called me Sunday night, very pleasant and easily made plans for Mon (yesterday).  Great day, from 9:30am-8:30 pm, great conversations, were intimate, drove her to work, hung out and drove her home, no problem until late, the change, the regret, her thought of associations with the imagined... .I got clear and validated, went along without humoring.  On the phone back at the hotel, more of the same, now a little angry about going to a hotel near her, forcing her to act different than she wanted, throwing money away.  Many little things she could come up with, she said she didn't enjoy anything, I should stop try to get back together, she feels sorry for me and guilty, I forced her guilt... .same old but with me and my new tools, not really a explosion, quick calming, she got really tired, she is struggling, I know.

I can't change anything, I just know how to not make it worse.

Everyone says give her time and space, don't crowd her.

I disagree, I will give up on her if I break away as a security measure and will build my own "real" case and I will regret forever.  Out of sight, out of mind for both of us filled with regret and too many insecurities to reach out again.

I can't imagine staying away will help us, I can't push too hard, I know.

I can't read her mind, thank god, I just listen to how she feels... .it's this way and that way and she sways back and forth, I remain a steady as possible.