16 Years together, and I can't tell when it crossed the line. TW SI + Abuse

[Urist McNewt]

We didn't know he had BPD.  We did know he had problems, but we both did.  I was a student, 18, fresh in a new town and with some childhood trauma, anxiety issues and SI.  He was homeless, 20, with childhood trauma, depression and SI.

I don't want to get into everything that happened over our time together, but suffice to say outside circumstances made it easy to excuse his anger, his issues hearing "no", his unpredictable emotions, because we were genuinely struggling with some Life Stuff.  There were so many other things, too related to our sex life, affection, friendships, social life, the state of the house, split of workload and household responsibilities, his growing dependence on me for everything and anger when I tried to help him be more independent... .each time something would go wrong, I'd capitulate and the boundaries around what was "normal" would shift just a little more, until like a frog in a pot of boiling water I was looking back over the years and couldn't recognise either of us, or the relationship, and had no framework for what was normal or healthy any more.

I asked him so many times over the years to seek therapy or get help, and there was always a reason not to.

This year things got really bad.  Our lives, for the first time, were stable and in a good place and there was nothing left I could use to make an excuse for him.  And in the middle of the best time of our lives he had the worst and most terrifying explosion he'd ever had.  Bad enough I couldn't deny it was abuse.  And over the next few months, we gradually wound to a place where I left him.

During the spiralling break-up, suddenly things that had been impossible through 16 years together were possible.  Suddenly he can get therapy and is in it and using it.  Suddenly he can control his anger and temper around me and give me space when I need it.  Suddenly he can control his paranoia and jealousy about me having friends.  Suddenly he can contribute to the cooking and the cleaning and running the home.  Suddenly he can hear me say no to physical acts and not get wounded or scary.  It was too late, though, and it was clearly a strain, and the end, in the end, was surprisingly amicable.

Every week I get more perspective on the situation and realise more and more little things I had gotten used to were Not Normal.  Every week I have some new revelation that pushes back the line of "when did it become abuse".  But I was doing okay.

Then this weekend he told me that his therapist is pursuing diagnosis of BPD with CPTSD and that there is likely more in there, and that he'll be pursuing longterm treatment for that.  He gave me "permission to date others again" as though he thought I was waiting around for him to get better.  And it's really ___ing me up.

Most of my stories and memories about my childhood have some kind of complicated, messy or straight-up traumatic context to them that makes it hard to share stories of my early life with people.  Even the happy memories have some kind of context related to things I'd rather not disclose.  For so many years, the story we were building together felt so damn SIMPLE.  We'd had hard times - poverty, mental health issues, homelessness - but the story of us coming together was a happy one, and the story of us as a couple was, too.  We were a team, and the last couple of years we were moving into a really good time in our lives of having financial stability, direction, a future to build together.  We got married!  (Not legally binding, it was a pagan wedding without the paperwork). 

And now I know that every part of that was affected by a disorder that means any of it could have been manipulation, albeit unconscious or not-malicious.  Any of it right from the very first day we met, and when I think about how different a person he seemed then to once I was fully enmeshed with him, I'm certain it must be.  And now I have nothing, not one single part of my life before this moment right now, that I can just have as a simple, good, happy story.  And I'm looking down the barrel of 16 years of complicated mess I need to process the way I processed and worked through my childhood and it's just exhausting.

I just feel so exhausted and lost.  I've always been the sort of person to look forward, to focus on the positives, and I'm generally pretty resilient to the traumas that come my way as a result.  But this is just So Big and there's So Much and I already did this work with the first 18 years of my life and I just feel so very, very tired.  I keep having panic spirals.  I'm at work right now having booked a meeting room out because I suddenly, without warning, started to cry and have a panic spiral and didn't want that to happen in the middle of the office.  Throught the break-up I started SI again after years of being a "recovered self-harmer" and I do not, do NOT want to fall back into those habits again.

I don't know what to do.  I'm working on my future and making that good, and normally that helps, but my past just feels like a bottomless pit I'm standing right at the edge of with my heels hanging over the rim and I feel like I might plummet in a second.

[Mutt]

Hi Urist McNewt,



It will be ok. I am sorry for the circumstances that led you to this forum. A r/s with a pwBPD can be so emotionally draining and make us feel like we’re never going to return back to the person that we used to be. There is hope read as much as you can about BPD learn about behaviours that may seem manipulative there is a reason why he acts the way that he does.

I can understand how a diagnosis of s mental illness  can feel frightening there are a lot of pwBPD and you’re also not alone.

We’re not doctors and cannot diagnose don’t be hard on yourself if you couldn’t diagnose a mental illness sometimes professionals have a hard time spotting it because of how many overlaps with other mental disorders.

A lot of us here have pasts that are difficult do you hage any support from family or friends in real life? Do you have access to a T ( therapist ) hrough your work? It helps to talk to others here that have similarities and can offer you guidance and support.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Urist, Let me join Mutt and say Welcome!  I'm sorry to hear all you have been through.  Sixteen years is a long time so give yourself a break.  Now is a good time to focus on yourself and your needs.  BPD is a terrible disorder and we understand what you are talking about.  Hang in there.

LuckyJim

[Urist McNewt]

Thank you both.

You're right that it's not realistic to expect me to have been able to diagnose.  Haha, I guess for so long I was expected to play the role of his therapist and handler-of-emotions-and-mental-needs that it's hard not to feel like I didn't do a good enough job?  But I know that's not a healthy mindset.

I do have family, but I haven't even told them about the break-up yet, let alone about the abuse.  They've had a really hard year in various ways too, and frankly they don't have an amazing track record as being supportive/understanding of people who stay in bad relationships.  They all liked my ex anyway, and I just feel more exhausted by the thought of dealing with their reaction than like it would help.

I do have friends, though, and one of them does know how bad it got, so I'm not completely isolated.  And I had workplace therapy during the split (I'm in the UK where we have the NHS, so the workplace therapy was just a standard 6 sessions and no means of getting more) but I am looking for self-referral places I can access local to me.

Thank you, I'm going to spend a fair amount of time lurking the archives here I think to understand more about this.  I did find a reddit support group but it... .veered a bit close to treating PwBPD as not really human?  And I didn't want to wade into any place that can't separate "mental health issues can contribute to unhealthy/abusive behaviours under X circumstance" from "mentally ill people are bad", so I've steered clear from there.  It felt about as toxic as the worst parts of my relationship!

[Mutt]

Haha, I guess for so long I was expected to play the role of his therapist and handler-of-emotions-and-mental-needs that it's hard not to feel like I didn't do a good enough job?

You're welcome you have a good point I said something similar when I broke up with my exuBPDw I said to my BIL that I should have known and he said don't beat yourself up you're not a doctor. You're right we become so accustomed to doing everything and putting out fires to not make our pwBPD upset that we lose sight.

They've had a really hard year in various ways too, and frankly they don't have an amazing track record as being supportive/understanding of people who stay in bad relationships.

I can relate with you - I couldn't turn to my family they would invalidate my experience my sister said 6 weeks after my split to get over it. The recipe is not that easy, this is really difficult although you are still going through this difficult healing journey it helps to have a communitity to help you through it that doesn't invalidate or judge you you can speak freely here without someone critizing you for your thoughts or feelings. That was a huge draw for me.

(I'm in the UK where we have the NHS, so the workplace therapy was just a standard 6 sessions and no means of getting more) but I am looking for self-referral places I can access local to me.

I'm glad to hear that you're following up hopefully you find something soon. My work place offers something similar, what happens if you call them again for another 6 sessions in the meantime?

I did find a reddit support group but it... .veered a bit close to treating PwBPD as not really human?

bpdfamily was the third forum that I found and spent time lurking at all of them, the experience that we through was real, I cared for my ex wife I just wanted to know what was wrong I would have like to have known while I was going through it but realisiticly unless the other person wants to get help there's not much that you can do.

A pwBPD have black and white thinking and saying that mentally ill are bad or evil is a hard and fast rule there are good things about our pwBPD as well, you have to look at the big picture, I understand that people will be angry at the onset, we have very difficult experiences by most people's standards but you don't want to get stuck there, I'm intersted in healing not bashing.

You're in the right place, my exuBPDw does have good qualities about her she liked to help others she could be compassionate but she had a serious illness that ruins r/s's beyond repair. Like I said, I wanted to know the truth what can I do to better my situation, how do I move on, I don't know how you feel but I suffered enough in the r/s and I wasn't willing to be attached and suffer for years after we split. If you're stuck in anger, you're feeling something and there's still attachment there.

[empath]

Welcome,  Urist McNewt. 16 years is a long time, and it sounds like there have been many intense situations. It's often hard for those of us who have been in these types of relationships to look after ourselves well. That's a good place to start - getting in touch with you.

Haha, I guess for so long I was expected to play the role of his therapist and handler-of-emotions-and-mental-needs that it's hard not to feel like I didn't do a good enough job?

I was in the role of live-in therapist for my h, too, managing his emotions that were often overwhelming. It took me a long time to realize that my h's various "issues" could all be part of a bigger picture. It was like I was only looking at part of the elephant at a time.