Angry at uBPD Mother for lost time after Grandfather passes away

[Daniel H]

Hi All,

I am writing this as just a couple of weeks ago my Grandfather passed away, he was 90 years old. I've messaged before about how my mother is uBPD and my father is co-dependent to her in one of my first posts (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=331540). When I was 8 years old, my mother cut us off from most of our family and isolated us, changed addresses and phone numbers, and became sort of an undiscussed topic and took me till i was 26 and living on my own to realise and reconnect. Thankfully, my family helped me understand things from their side of it, reconnected with uncles and aunts, cousins with some i have never met, and to my surprise my grandparents where still alive though much older. I am thankful for the almost two years I have gotten back with my grandparents, and the experiences we have had. I also try to remind myself that if i hadn't gotten in contact when I did, I may have not gotten the time I have had with them, and I should be proud of myself for doing it and getting that time. My partner and other family remind of that all the time.

However, I have to be honest with myself that at the moment I am angry at my mother for the 16 years I lost with a lot of my family, especially with my grandfather (who is her father) who has now passed. I am furious that I had really just got him back in my life and was getting to know him, and now he is actually gone forever where i could have had so much more time with him. I lost a lot of time with him, and a lot of that is due to my mother isolating us and not letting us have a connection with family. I am in the process of mourning his death, and I want to celebrate the life he had also. At the moment, I want to call or message her, yell and scream at her about the decisions she has made - even though I know it won't ever get through, she won't understand or just justify her reasons.

I think I am just looking for reason here, and get a point of view from someone who has been in a similar situation and what is the light at the end of this tunnel.

[madeline7]

I am sorry for the loss of your grandfather. My uBPDm cut off relationships with her Mom, brother and family, and also at a later time she cut off ties with my Dad's sister who was my aunt. When I became an adult, I was the only one in my family to have contact with my grandmother. I always knew something was off with my Mom, but not until the passing of my Dad 3 years ago did I realize just how much her toxic behavior has affected me. I am in the process of grieving the loss of the Mom I never had, and the FOO that is fractured and mostly gone by now. What I am doing, is trying to compartmentalize this, and focus on cultivating my chosen family. I also managed to have a happy marriage and raise 2 awesome kids and just became a grandma, and my resolution is to stop the madness as this new generation comes up. That doesn't mean I stop having complicated feelings about the trauma inflicted upon me by the hands of a disordered Mother, enabler Dad and non supportive siblings. I am angry that I never got to choose who I wanted to have a relationship with, but I am able to understand that I was a child raised in this family and I did not know any better at that time. But now that I know, I will choose to live my life by my standards. I find reading and sharing on this board extremely helpful and wish you peace.

[Turkish]

A few weeks ago,  i received a snail mail from one of the granddaughters of my mother's next eldest brother.  She explained to me that she was my first cousin,  once removed. 

The last time I saw another relative,  a cousin,  my mother's deceased sister's youngest daughter,  was in 1982. We lived in California,  they in Michigan. 

My mom wasn't exactly the black sheep; rather,  she was the lost sheep.

I was glad this recent cousin found me and I answered back.  I didn't say too much,  but from what my mom described,  my uncle might have been NPD- like.  I met him once in the late 70s. My mom told me he hated her from the time she was born. 

I turned 18 in 1989 and moved out.  I guess I could have searched, but I was busy embracing adulthood.  Maybe not as cutting as you experienced emotionally,  but I did resent my mother.  Her family was a big Midwestern one, with strong ties to each other,  unlike we California rebels. 

Over a decade ago,  I offered to pay my mom's ticket to fly back to visit her other brother,  not the NPD one.  My mom always found excuses.  I last saw that uncle in 1980, along with his kids.  I'm adopted.  I have always felt cut off from both families.

Except for my maybe NPD uncle,  I did want to be part of the family. Though my mom didn't cut them off like yours did,  I sympathize with your feelings.  I also know of I'd pushed my mother, it wouldn't have gone anywhere,  much like my resentment for she never giving me a father and growing up with a single mother who had multiple mental illnesses. 

[Harri]

Hi Daniel.  I am so sorry to hear of your grandfather's passing.  How are you holding up now?

I have no relatives that I am close with so I can relate.  I was somewhat close to my grandmother (maternal) in that I saw her often but it was awkward because of my moms fighting with her and her sister who lived with my grand-ma.  My mother had nothing nice to say about my aunt and often said horrible things about my g-ma, so yeah it was awkward.  Unfortunately my g-ma died when I was 20 or so and I never had the opportunity to form a relationship with her without my moms involvement.  Same with my aunts and uncles on both sides.  Too much feuding.

I had a meeting with someone today ho asked a lot of history questions and when I said i have no relatives, the eyebrows shot up.  It is true.  The ones I knew a bit are now dead and the others I would not recognize if I were sitting next to them.  

I am not sure how to deal with it though.  It just is.  We do have a couple of members posting on the board who went out of their way to contact and set up a relationship with family members on their own.  Is that something you could do with other family members?  Maybe talk with them about your grandfather and start a conversation that way?