Informing my dxBPD Mom of No Contact?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

After many years of going short term no contact, and then low contact, I finally made the decision to go permanent no contact with my mother at Thanksgiving. Every other time I was on the fence, and made the decision knowing I would eventually talk to her again, that I just needed a break. This time was different, she turned her lies & manipulations against my children which crossed a line we cannot come back from. She lives in a different part of the state, and does not know that I have made this decision. I am sure she has some idea as I have blocked her from my phone, and my children's phones (they are teenagers), and have ignored the one email she sent me.

My dilemma is I feel she is owed a letter informing her that the relationship is done, and I wish her no ill will, but that our relationship is toxic to the both of us, and needs to be done. My mother does not do well with abandonment, and lack of closure, so I am sure the lack of knowing what is going on is tearing her up, and she is obsessing over the situation. She is probably also assuming I will call her in the next month or two, and we will begin talking once more as we have done in the past.

I am taking an intense outpatient trauma therapy class, as well as individual therapy, and this has helped me realize she has no place in my life if I am to ever heal, and be able to live life in semi-peace. The compassionate side of me hurts knowing she is in limbo because I have essentially ghosted her & left her in a state of the unknown. But, I worry that opening a line of communication with her will somehow in her mind give her a delusional sense that she is able to contact me back. Or even worse, send her into tailspin of impulsive self destructive decisions due to the abandonment which she is known for.

I also have a selfish need for sending this letter. My son graduates next year, and while she will not be invited, my aunt (her sister) will be, and I worry she will attempt to tag along. My son does not want her at his graduation, and I need it known to her that the relationship is at an end so she does not feel it appropriate to attend this event in a year. I worry not sending a letter will leave the situation open for her own interpretation.

I am struggling with protecting my own mental health, and that of my immediate family, and my mom's mental health, which I have been responsible for since I was 7 years old. It feels like this never ends.

[Irish1477]

After many years of going short term no contact, and then low contact, I finally made the decision to go permanent no contact with my mother at Thanksgiving. Every other time I was on the fence, and made the decision knowing I would eventually talk to her again, that I just needed a break. This time was different, she turned her lies & manipulations against my children which crossed a line we cannot come back from. She lives in a different part of the state, and does not know that I have made this decision. I am sure she has some idea as I have blocked her from my phone, and my children's phones (they are teenagers), and have ignored the one email she sent me.

My dilemma is I feel she is owed a letter informing her that the relationship is done, and I wish her no ill will, but that our relationship is toxic to the both of us, and needs to be done. My mother does not do well with abandonment, and lack of closure, so I am sure the lack of knowing what is going on is tearing her up, and she is obsessing over the situation. She is probably also assuming I will call her in the next month or two, and we will begin talking once more as we have done in the past.

I am taking an intense outpatient trauma therapy class, as well as individual therapy, and this has helped me realize she has no place in my life if I am to ever heal, and be able to live life in semi-peace. The compassionate side of me hurts knowing she is in limbo because I have essentially ghosted her & left her in a state of the unknown. But, I worry that opening a line of communication with her will somehow in her mind give her a delusional sense that she is able to contact me back. Or even worse, send her into tailspin of impulsive self destructive decisions due to the abandonment which she is known for.

I also have a selfish need for sending this letter. My son graduates next year, and while she will not be invited, my aunt (her sister) will be, and I worry she will attempt to tag along. My son does not want her at his graduation, and I need it known to her that the relationship is at an end so she does not feel it appropriate to attend this event in a year. I worry not sending a letter will leave the situation open for her own interpretation.

I am struggling with protecting my own mental health, and that of my immediate family, and my mom's mental health, which I have been responsible for since I was 7 years old. It feels like this never ends.

[zachira]

I hear your pain and frustration in deciding to go No Contact with your mom with BPD after attempting Low Contact and still unable to get her to respect boundaries you have set with her. You are worried about what might happen if you inform your mom that you are going No Contact with her. I am Low Contact with my mother with BPD and NPD. I can only imagine what you are going through trying to make this decision. I have never informed my mother or my siblings, all of whom have BPD and NPD, of my decision to go Low Contact with them, as I know they will act really badly. I don't think your mother with BPD will respect your decision anymore than she has  any of the boundaries you have put in place, and may come to your son's graduation if she decides to do so, unless nobody tells her about it. What is your relationship with your aunt? Do you think she will tell your mom about your son's graduation if you ask her not to do so? If sending the letter provides long due welcome relief than by all means do so. You are under no obligation to have contact with an abusive parent. Would you like to write a copy of the letter you would send her and post it here? There are many members on this site who have gone No Contact with a mother with BPD, and they will give you valuable feedback. Take care and keep us posted on what you need.