Healthier Dating: How do you know when it's time to have sex in a relationship

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

lets talk about sex baby!

as much as sex can bond two people, it can complicate an attachment.

for some, theres no such thing as too soon to introduce sex. for others, its something to do within the confines of a committed/exclusive relationship. and for others, its something that should occur when both parties are "in love".

so what about us? how do we know when its time to have sex in a relationship?

lets explore some questions as a group:

• Historically, where do you fall in the above three categories, or do you fall somewhere else?
• Do you intend to change anything in the future?
• Do you distinguish between "sexual activity" and intercourse when it comes to when to introduce either?
• What are some signs that the relationship might not be ready for sex?

[once removed]

lets talk about sex baby!

as much as sex can bond two people, it can complicate an attachment.

for some, theres no such thing as too soon to introduce sex. for others, its something to do within the confines of a committed/exclusive relationship. and for others, its something that should occur when both parties are "in love".

so what about us? how do we know when its time to have sex in a relationship?

lets explore some questions as a group:

• Historically, where do you fall in the above three categories, or do you fall somewhere else?
• Do you intend to change anything in the future?
• Do you distinguish between "sexual activity" and intercourse when it comes to when to introduce either?
• What are some signs that the relationship might not be ready for sex?

[JNChell]

Good topic, once removed. Sex can most definitely complicate things. I think sometimes more than it’s given credit for doing so.

Historically, where do you fall in the above three categories, or do you fall somewhere else?

Historically, it’s been kind of an evolutionary thing for me. I lost my virginity at the young age of 15. It was an 11 month commited relationship, at least from how we saw it at such a young age. I went through a phase where I was very promiscuous. I was never a player, and was always up front about it being about sex and attraction before it happened. No strings attached. If it was agreed upon, it happened. I wish that that phase didn’t happen. I gave a lot of myself away as did the partners that indulged with me. The random sex wasn’t even really fulfilling. When it’s in the confines of a committed relationship, it’s good. When love is attached to that, it’s mind blowing!

Do you intend to change anything in the future?

Weirdly enough, I had to really think about this question. I’ve really been wanting the warmth of a woman lately, but that has gotten me in hot water before. I’m trying to focus on delaying my gratification for someone that I feel that I know well enough and that I’m very much into. Pardon the pun.  Sex has been a big emotional attachment issue for me. For me, it’s a big vulnerability. A bond when actual courting is happening. As far as changing anything, delaying my gratification until my insight says it’s ok to move forward.


Do you distinguish between "sexual activity" and intercourse when it comes to when to introduce either?

Sex is sex. Intercourse is intercourse. This is just my take on the matter. There are different forms of sex, but only one form makes babies. I don’t know if there’s a right or wrong time to introduce what each partner is into. I’ve been in relationships where intercourse wasn’t the first form of sex.

What are some signs that the relationship might not be ready for sex?

Lack of confidence, feelings of needing to perform the act to move forward. I’m glad that this is an anonymous site. I had trouble performing with S4’s mom the first couple of times. Perhaps my body was trying to tell me something. After it all opened up it was intense, but the initial attempts were denied by my man parts. 

Personally, the bottom line is that sex is a serious matter. It has the capability of creating life. That’s a big deal. It can also provide intense pleasure. That’s a perk. IMHO, sex should be honest in intent, not after the fact. Today’s society, for the most part, portrays sex in an unhealthy way. It can be a very meaningful aspect and a staple in a meaningful relationship.

[once removed]

historically, i intended to wait until marriage to have sex. my ex was my first. my intention is to wait until marriage before intercourse happens again.

i believe that sex is a gift from God to be practiced between two married adults. apart from my faith, i think there are a host of practical reasons to wait - it can complicate attachment, it can result in unintended pregnancy, i like the idea of sharing something of the magnitude of sex and exploring it, with one person.

i do distinguish between sexual activity and intercourse, but that doesnt mean that sexual activity is a small or meaningless thing to me, though its not something i require being in love or an exclusive relationship to do. the lines i draw are really on a case by case basis, and involve knowing what page myself and the other person are on.

i dont intend to change much in the future apart from the first part.

[Insom]

Nice thread, once removed.  It sounds like your faith tradition plays an important guiding role for you here.  Do you ever feel at odds biologically with your faith?  (Like your body is saying one thing while your faith says another?)  If so, how to reconcile?

JNChell, it sounds like past encounters have earned you some self-awareness.  I agree that sex is a bonding experience.  Would it be fair to say you're watching your feelings closely for guidance these days.

One way to assess potential partners is based on their ability to weather the unintended consequences of sexual activity with you.  Is this someone you can have a conversation about STD's with?  How might a conversation about an STD diagnosis go?  How about pregnancy?  How might that conversation go?  It this a person you can talk with?  Or does the thought of grappling with anything serious with him or her give you horrors?

[JNChell]

Hey, Insom. Yes, I’m keeping myself in check. It’s hard, but necessary. I miss the dance and it feels like it should be a regular thing at my age. That I should be settled in with my little family and that a synergy should be taking place within the dynamic. Well, that dynamic expired. Being alone is something that I’ve never done well. I’m learning that it’s necessary for me to do this. It is not easy, but it’s necessary. I’ve thought about scenarios for one night stands or short lived romances. Digging deeper, that’s not what I want out of life. Delayed gratification is a real bummer sometimes. I’m an adult and I know that I’m not a twenty something anymore. But I really miss it.

[once removed]

Do you ever feel at odds biologically with your faith?  (Like your body is saying one thing while your faith says another?)  If so, how to reconcile?

to tell you the truth Insom, i dont have a very high sex drive, and resisting has never been very difficult for me. i recognize that that is less common, and in fairness, its not that i am some shining example of overcoming temptation. i would also say urges are very human, we all get all kinds of urges.

i would say however, that we all face temptation, and in general, its certainly important not to put ourselves into situations where it might overwhelm us. its also, as you said, important to be both realistic and safe in ones sex life.