15 year old daughter who is non functioning

[Ayven]

I am the mother of a sixteen year old who started displaying multiple characteristics of BPD at age 13.  Not sure where to begin.  We have had to remove her from school multiple times due to behavioral issues including bringing razor blades to school to use to self harm.  She has been in a homebound program since early October and could have completed all of her first semester courses online, has chosen not to do her schoolwork.  I have gone through four therapists and she still is non-functional.  Will not bathe, brush her teeth, do schoolwork or help around the house.  I had to lock her cell phone and laptop in our safe to keep her offline as we have had police involvement due to her texts to other children.  Rewards and consequences just don’t seem to work.  I did switch her to a DBT therapist and just switched her psychiatrist.  I am frustrated & burned out from constant power struggles with her!   She lies & manipulates on a regular basis.  I have to verify everything she tells me.  How do others handle the extreme frustration of an intelligent child who is capable but chooses not to engage with school or home life?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Feeling Better]

Hello Ayven and welcome.

Wow, I can feel your pain and frustration. I am so sorry to hear of what is happening right now.

How long has she been with the DBT therapist and the new psychiatrist?

It sounds like you could really do with some help and support, you have definitely come to the right place, there are lots of parents here who will be able to relate with what you are going through 

There are some excellent articles to be found here and I am wondering if you might find the one on boundaries helpful, here is the link for you:

Setting Boundaries

I look forward to hearing more from you 

FB x

[Ayven]

Thank you for the link!
She started DBT in October and with her new psychiatrist in November.  So I feel like we are starting from scratch after almost three years!
Thank you for the words of encouragement and I look forward to seeing what others’ experiences have been and what they have done that has been helpful!

[Only Human]

Hi Ayven,

I join Feeling Better in saying, Welcome!

You've come to the right place for sharing experiences and getting support. We are all parents learning together, supporting each other.

I'm glad Feeling Better posted the link on boundaries - let us know what you think and ask any questions at all. We are here for you 

~ OH

[once removed]

hi Ayven, i want to join Feeling Better and Only Human and say

I am frustrated & burned out from constant power struggles with her!   She lies & manipulates on a regular basis.  I have to verify everything she tells me. 

that does sound frustrating. can you tell us more about the power struggles? what does she lie and manipulate about?

[Ayven]

Good Morning,
     The boundary article was very helpful.  When my husband got home from work we read and discussed the article and agreed that we both value education, and we were going to set the boundary regarding that issue.
     So here are the type of issues we have with lying and manipulating.  My daughter was excluded from school the first semester and I requested homebound.  Her teacher consultant made up her schedule for this week.  Yesterday, my daughter slept in, and stayed in her room playing her guitar and surfing the internet.  I had to pay for a new retainer for her this week because she lost her original and her teeth have already shifted since she got her braces off in September.
     I asked her to put her retainer in her mouth and she said she would "do it later."  I asked if she had taken her medications and she said she would "do it later."  I asked if she had bathed and done school work and you can guess the answers.  This leaves me soo frustrated because if I try to push the issues she just digs her heals in and says things like, "I am having a down day, you are putting pressure on me, you just want me to be perfect like you."
     She has to earn phone time and she came to me at 5:00 p.m. and said she wanted her lap top to do school work.  I had her pull out her planner and giving me specifics on what she planned to do.  At 6:00 she came to me and told me she was done and wanted the phone.  I told her I wanted to see her computer, logged into the school program and saw that she had last done an assignment January 2 and that she had been "idle" for 1 hour in the program - this is an example of a lie and me having to verify what she said.  I told her I would discuss the information I had with her Dad when he got home.
     When my husband got home I advised him she had not done school work and we sat her down and told her no phone as she had not done her work.  She started screaming that the computer was wrong, that I believed a computer over her and that she had "reviewed" to prepare for a quiz and that she was not ready for the quiz.  She said I was pushing her, that progress was all we should expect and that she wished we had never adopted her.  Quite a mouthful!  We held fast and said no phone as she was not on track with her school plan and that school was important.  We told her if she wanted to do her school work she was free to do so and then revisit her phone time.  She kept at us, even when we tried to end the conversation. After an hour of protests she finally took the computer, took the quizzes she was assigned and passed both. 
     It is just exhausting to have to go through conflicts like this every day.  She does not comply with any requests without a fight!  I am at my wit's end as she does what she wants every day and then throws a fit when she is denied privileges.  Any suggestions?  I paid a private "executive function" coach for six months to try to help get her to adhere to a schedule to no avail.  How do I get her to do basics and adhere to a schedule? 
     Thanks for listening!

[Only Human]

It's great you and your DH are a team, united in your values.

Communication is difficult in general, and more so when BPD is involved, even benign comments are perceived as massive insults. Daily conflict is, as you say, exhausting.

Here's an article you may find helpful, A 3 Minute Lesson on Ending Conflict It's one of the first things I read when I landed here, and I read it from time to time still.

In case you haven't found it already, we have a Libray chock full of awesome articles, links, and discussions, specific to certain issues related to relationships with pwBPD. It's located toward the middle of the main Groups page, under Community Built Knowledge Base.

I wish I had more advice for you, I can only imagine the toll this has all taken on your family. Are you finding time for self-care? We all need a break, and you've got so much going on with your DD, getting some respite can help to tackle another day with your mental health intact.

~ OH

[once removed]

how are things going today?

[incadove]

Hi Ayven, welcome

My dd's tell me that they struggle with anxiety a great deal, and also emotional pain that makes it hard to concentrate.  That said, they are capable of a lot!

It sounds like an exhausting situation you are in, its good that you have a structure and a planner and hopeful that your dd was able to pass the quizzes after all that!

Does she do any things that you are able to praise?  What would you think of lowering the bar maybe lower than you would like, but just higher than she is doing on her own, so she can see a way to get success out of it?  Like whatever she has been doing, put the expectation for just next week right at that level plus one thing?  Then reassess?  If you can find a way to set her up for success maybe you can break the pattern a bit.

Is she seeing anyone specifically for anxiety?  My dd's found that particular mental patterns were a little bit helpful, not a panacea but they consciously manage their anxiety in different situations.

Hoping for the best for you and daughter!  Sounds like she has a strong player in her corner!