Trying to learn about BPD to manage and improve my relationship

[Squish18]

Hello All and Happy New Year

Posting for the first time to introduce myself

I am currently engaged and my fiancé has diagnosed BPD. I have spent our entire relationship (2 years) learning about BOD and how I can maintain the healthiest relationship possible.

Unfortunately I made the mistake of focusing solely on his needs and not my own. From the ups and downs we have had I now see that my own well-being is a huge part in our relationship so I am looking to communicate and discuss with others in a similar situation, maybe make some friends along the way so we can all support each other

Xx

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Welcome, Squish18!

I'm glad you found us here. It's a very supportive community and members have a lot of experience and advice to share that can be extremely helpful.

It's very easy in a relationship with a pwBPD to lose sight of oneself, to spend so much time worrying about them and how to help them and keep things as even as possible.

It really isn't an easy road to walk. So feel free to ask questions or even just vent. And share your own expertise when applicable. We all try to help each other here and, chances are, someone will have experienced what you're going through and may have words of wisdom to share.

In a way, I envy you in that your fiance is diagnosed and that you know going in. In my case, my H doesn't have a diagnosis and I wasn't aware anything was wrong until about a year and a half into the marriage. Struggling with things a lot now.

[Squish18]

Hi Ozzie101,

Thank you so much for your response. In a weird way it’s nice to feel like I’m not alone.

I can’t imagine how hard it must be if undiagnosed as it’s such a complex situation to be in. Unfortunately my OH is pretty much in denial, he was very upfront at first and disclosed his BPD to me straight away. As our relationship progressed it just got brushed under the carpet, but I’m hopeful that he will seek help/medication at some point in the future when he feels ready. In the meantime I am trying to maintain my wellbeing and trying to notice triggers etc to maintain a happy and stable home. On the odd occasion he will acknowledge his BPD but then asks if we can stop focusing on that and pretend it’s not there. Is this normal? Or is this just him trying to forget it.

It can get very frustrating when he projects on to me in a crisis and I have to be the one to apologise for my actions/words (which most of the time he has created in his mind from something small). I am getting better at holding my tongue but sometimes I do slip up and I get into a massive argument with him. Is this something which I can learn to cope with better over time?

I’m looking forward to getting involved in the posts and learning from others in a similar situation

S18  x

[Ozzie101]

It can be very difficult not to fight back and defend ourselves when we're being unfairly accused of things. Some members here have had success in dealing with that. So far, I haven't been too good at it. I'm not one to fight back, necessarily, but I struggle with not defending myself. Validating feelings is a tricky one too.

My H can be honest about things. He knows he has anger problems (and just started anger management therapy) but when he's in a mood, it all becomes my fault. That's really hard to take, yet I find that if I keep my mouth shut, his rages peter out faster. Venting here and to my therapist helps a lot.

[Squish18]

Yeah I can get really defensive at times especially when I’m tired myself. I think I would find it easier if I could just have 5 minutes space to gather my thoughts but once he’s in a rage he gets angrier if I turn away or try to move away from the situation.

How do you cope with family on the outside of the relationship? My OH parents live abroad and he calls them upset to vent and even though they are fully aware of the situation they believe everything that’s said and I get called abusive and a blackmailer, that I’m emotionally controlling him etc. That’s really hard because I know they thought a lot of me at first but over time it’s turning their opinion of me

x

[Ozzie101]

Family is a HUGE trigger in my situation. So far, there hasn't been a problem like what you describe, though.

My H was adopted as an infant. His father is dead (I never met him) and he has a difficult relationship with his mother. She and I get along great.

He's recently met his bio family (his parents married a couple of years after he was born and had two more children) and that's been a very positive experience. They're building a strong, loving relationship that's been great to see. So far they seem to like me a lot too.

I don't think he's been blasting me to either group -- at least not yet, though I suspect he will if we ever split up and that breaks my heart because I've come to really care about all of them.

Then there's my family. I'm close to my family. He finds them stressful (there are a lot of them who all live nearby so gatherings involved a LOT of people -- difficult for an introvert), snooty (thinks they look down on him for not being a doctor, even though they're not all doctors and couldn't care less), judgmental (thinks they look down on him for being divorced -- again, they don't care), etc. Any get-together brings up days of stress and dysregulations. Sometimes he likes my parents just fine. Other times he has nothing but awful things to say about them. And there are two sisters he always "hates." My parents are aware of what's going on in our marriage. At times I wonder if telling them was the right move. But then I know that it's important that they know just for my own safety, considering his escalating verbal and emotional abuse.

Anyway, from what I understand, blackballing you to friends and family is a common BPD tactic. I'm sorry. It's frustrating to be painted black by people when you know they don't have the whole story. My H has told me that he's told other people about how I always put my family first ahead of him and how I'm too tied to the apron strings. He says they all say that that's awful and I shouldn't do that. So frustrating for me when I know what he's saying is inaccurate. At the same time, though, he tends to lie about things to me so I'm not sure who he's told or if he's even told anyone.

[Squish18]

Yeah it’s really frustrating and disheartening. But I guess it’s another tactic that atleast I know I’m not alone in experiencing this.

Unfortunately after an amazing start to the new year things have taken a turn for the worse. Last night was tough and a lot of hurtful things were said on his part. Once again this morning it had gotten worse and the physical anger has gone further. I honestly just don’t know what to do anymore, it seems that after no more than 2 weeks at a time we have a huge argument and I’m told how I need to change. It’s honestly exhausting now to the point where I’m poorly and I’m missing work due to his crisis before I leave.

I have no where to turn and I just can’t stop crying over it all. Especially after the very real suicide threat this morning to which he admitted that he did it to see if I loved him enough to stop him.

I know people will tell me to leave because it’s necer going to change but I just can’t risk him harming himself if I go