Introduction - Wife with BPD

[affaj]

Hi,

I have just found this forum through looking up BPD and watching videos regarding "Stop walking on eggshells".

I have been in a relationship with my wife for 10 years. We have a 20month old daughter. My wife has had many ups and downs over the years and she has always tried to seek help herself for her issues.

She has had extensive psychologist treatments and has previously been diagnosed with depression and major PTSD (from abuse in her childhood). This improved greatly over the years but since the birth of our child she has been on a downwards spiral and has recently been diagnosed with BPD, postnatal depression and PTSD from a psychiatrist.

We have recently gone through an extremely bad place in our relationship as a result of actions she did. This has resulting in us living apart for a number of weeks. Co-parenting our child alternative weeks.

After a lot of thought and communication between my wife and I, we have both come to the conclusion that we are still committed to trying to make our relationship work but are also aware if changes cannot be made then our relationship will not last. The recent issues have awoken me to the core issues which have been a pressure on our relationship and i now know these must improve.

It has almost allowed me to research more information regarding my wifes BPD. This has kind of been an awaken for myself as alot of my wife's emotional states I have had to deal with over the years relates so much to BPD patterns. The fact there is alot more support out there from people in similar situation to myself is a great help going forward.

thanks

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the board.  I am glad you found us but sorry for what brings you here.

we have both come to the conclusion that we are still committed to trying to make our relationship work but are also aware if changes cannot be made then our relationship will not last.

This is true.  That is why we offer tools here to help you learn coping skills and strategies that can serve you and your relationship better.   While it is helpful if both people are working on the relationship (and it sounds like your wife is willing) things can improve with changes at your end as well.

What sort of issues caused you to decide to live apart?  What are some of the most troublesome behaviors?  The more you share here the more you can work on.  Improvements can be made.

I hop[e you settle in and read and jump into other posts and respond as that will help you in a number of ways.  It helps establish a support network of people who get it and it also helps to talk with and read about how others have turned things around in their own relationship.

I hope to hear more from you soon.

[affaj]

Hi and welcome to the board.  I am glad you found us but sorry for what brings you here.
 This is true.  That is why we offer tools here to help you learn coping skills and strategies that can serve you and your relationship better.   While it is helpful if both people are working on the relationship (and it sounds like your wife is willing) things can improve with changes at your end as well.

What sort of issues caused you to decide to live apart?  What are some of the most troublesome behaviors?  The more you share here the more you can work on.  Improvements can be made.

I hop[e you settle in and read and jump into other posts and respond as that will help you in a number of ways.  It helps establish a support network of people who get it and it also helps to talk with and read about how others have turned things around in their own relationship.

I hope to hear more from you soon.

My wife has always had issues controlling her emotions and jumping between different emotional states very quickly especially when she is stressed. I have only recently been reading about BPD and while she definitely meets 6-7 of the criteria. I think most of her symptoms point towards a 'quiet' BPD. In which she battles internally with her issues but then projects her hatred, dislike of self out on me in the form of constant snappy outburst or telling me things i am not doing or have done wrong. Tells me i never give her affection in times she is in a negative state and that its all my fault for this, tells me i am annoying, etc.

She never gets into an anger rage where she yells or breaks things. Its more along the lines of giving me constant outbursts which she herself doesn't relise she has done (which in turn makes herself feel worse for doing them when she relises). She is also in a regular state of battling self harm thoughts. She has not done any self-harm for at-least 9 years. I think it is this fact of her being more a quiet BPD which has stopped her getting a diagnosis until now.

The reason this has come to a head is since the birth of our child I have had to manage the majority of the responsibilities of both my child but also financial, household arrangements, etc. I had my own breakdown around a year ago mainly due to my anxiety and sleep deprivation and stress of maintaining all this on top of my wife's BPD. I have since gotten help for myself and am in a much better place myself. Over the last 6 months i thought my wife and relationship had improved since seeing the psychiatrist who put her on sertaline but around 6 weeks ago my wife went on a short holiday with her own family. It was on this holiday that she slept with another person while i was at home for the week looking after our child. This completely devastated me as i truly do believe this is the first time she has done this. She has also deeply regretting doing this, even at the time it was happening (or so she says - which i do believe).

There are so many factors which caused the above situation which is just too long to type now but i will say that i do take some of the responsibility for this. After the initial shock of this came out we have had endless discussions about our life and relationship and what we really want and the reasons why this all happened. One thing which is clear to me now is how much her BPD does effect my day to day life (even if you disregard the recent event). To be honest i don't think we were both in a happy place in our relationship leading up to this event.

For me to continue the relationship i now know there are things i myself need to do too (such as boundaries, expressing my issues more when she is not in a state, see a psychologist for myself etc). As i said i am very new to what BPD is (even tho i have probably lived with a person with it for 10 years... .). I am currently in the first few chapters of "stop walking on eggshells" book.

I am also still open to the possibility that our relationship may not last but I am committed to atleast try new things to help our family. My wife is committed to seeking more help both enrolling DBT therapy and seeing a psychologist again.

[Turkish]

I read SWOE, but The Essential Family Guide by the same authors is said to be better.  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=80293.0;all

That said,  many of the tools and more are discussed in Lesson 3 at the top of this board.  

I went through a similar betrayal,  yet my ex used it as a jumping off point to flee to her new,  better life though I was willing to forgive. Despite your hurt,  that you are willing to forgive and she shows signs is hopeful.  

My ex was mostly a "quiet BPD" though she did break a few things.  I also stepped up to take care of my then S3 and D1. Getting up early on weekends to clean,  care, entertain,  do laundry.  Bring her breakfast in bed.  She also comes grim a culture which almost deifies motherhood.  She felt shame,  and I was inadvertently contributing to her shame.  Things needed to be done! I felt angry and stressed.  

People with BPD feel core shame,  that they are unlovable and unworthy of love.  It's very hard to validate this, especially when a baby is involved.  Take a look at the validation tools and tell us what you think?  SET is the top level tool which can help.  

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

[affaj]

I read SWOE, but The Essential Family Guide by the same authors is said to be better.  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=80293.0;all

People with BPD feel core shame,  that they are unlovable and unworthy of love.  It's very hard to validate this, especially when a baby is involved.  Take a look at the validation tools and tell us what you think?  SET is the top level tool which can help.  

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

I read about SET and validation last night (and watched the video on the page). I have to say that I can relate to a lot of it and can think of many occasions where I projected invalid comments as a result of what my wife did without even relising it. This is especially true in projecting invalid statements by myself being non communicative in the way of not expressing how i really felt and going along with what she wanted at the time. Many of these times ended up backfiring and causing more issues as my wife became aware of the invalidation i was projecting.

I will need to look into it more and start practicing some of the techniques and see how it goes.

[Turkish]

It can be hard not to be unintentionally invalidating when you're angry and hurt.  I did my share of it.  We may be right in a lot of cases,  but self righteousness isn't a right.  I'm not saying you feel that way,  but I'll admit that I did sometimes.

The tools helped me immensely upon the dissolution of my r/s, and in 6 years of co-parenting.  I wish I'd had them in my r/s. They aren't a panacea,  but I can't help but think they would have been helpful >6-7 years ago.  

[affaj]

Asking on advice in dealing with a common situation with my wife;

The following is a recent example of an issue which i've come to realize is a common issue i face, i am wondering if people could point me to the tools to deal with this. It is quite a petty issue but is just a recent example i can explain which she does alot. One of the biggest issue i need to change in our relationship is the fact my wife expects me to do so many things which she could easily do herself and it is a trigger if I do not agree to do them. I understand this is a minor issue compared to a lot of what people are dealing with here (i am also dealing with much bigger issues in our relationship).

My wife and i are currently living apart - this week my wife is living away and I am at home with my daughter (2yr). My wife was at our house the other day. When she decided to leave she asked me to move my car which was in the way.

Now a few points

- It takes less than 1 min to reserve the car out into the street.

- I regularly move her car (2 or 3 times a week) when im leaving as ive found in the past if i ask her to move it, she either gets annoyed she has to do it or she just says no and if i do push her to do it, she gets annoyed/angry. I now move it without asking as it's just easier than triggering her.

- She asks me every time to move my car if she is leaving and then if i say no i am doing something, she gets extremely annoyed/angry or makes a huge deal of it. So in the past I have just moved it when she asks... .

Now - as i said this does sound like a common issue in any relationship and it is a petty issue on itself. I just think it is a clear example of an issue which my wife does constantly in our relationship.

Last night - I was playing with my daughter, i was stressed from working and cooking tea while my daughter was crying. My wife asked me to move the car and i said “can you just move it”. This obviously set her off saying it would be so much easier for everyone if i just move it. I told her i was looking after our daughter. This set her off more “its your car, can you just move it”. This is when i got annoyed and answered back with “i always move your car, etc”. This is the point i feel i fell into the trap because of cause instead of trying to speak logically i counteracted with the same tone she had been speaking in.

She then got more angry - I crumbled and I then moved my car because i couldn't deal with it anymore and she left.

Later on that night when i thought everyone had calmed down i asked why she thought we had the fight like that and the conclusion she came to is;

“I got annoyed by the fact i was leaving and it was your car in the way. I had to drive my car so i wanted to share the responsibility by having you move your car because it would have been so much easier for everyone”.

I told her that i think this is a clear example of a bigger issue that we have by making me do things all the time which are actually quite easy for you to do. I also said that I hardly ever ask her to move her car because i know how annoying it is to actually move it if your doing something yourself and in the past if i do asked her she either says no or gets annoyed she has to do it.

She then replied “But i am always in the middle of doing something when you ask me and you are never doing anything when i ask”. At this point she started to get upset and tired to divert the subject by saying how i don't understand that she has to leave and live apart from me and our daughter and you don't know what it's like to live in a flatmate house (she has no family in the state, so she has moved into a flatmate arrangement while i have lived at a family members house alternative weeks).

I tried to explain how i do understand how hard it is but that you are really just changing the subject matter. I also said that her reply about her always doing things when i ask her to move the car is really just saying that she thinks what she does is more important than what I do. Obviously the conversion went nowhere and we ended it shortly after both more stressed and confused... .

This is where i still don't understand this;

- Everything we own is shared - so even tho i do label the car as mine i still feel the cars are both our responsibility.

- When she said it would have been so much easier for everyone if i moved it. It really comes down to it really only being easier for herself. I was responsible for looking after our daughter at the time and was in the middle of interacting with her.

- In the end when i finally did crumble and move the car it resulted in it being easier for my wife but harder for me as i had to stop what i was doing, which made my daughter cry again and then move the car and then comfort my daughter.

I understand that what i am saying is only from my point of view, there is obviously so many more facts to our relationship which i cant express here and that maybe i am seeing this as totally wrong and that i should have just moved the car and this would have never had happened but i felt that this small issue is a core issue in our relationship - the fact she demands i do what she wants and backs it up with irrational logic. It is also this point which i battle with myself (maybe i am the selfish one here, maybe she is correct and i should have just moved it, etc).

One of the reasons i said no to moving the car is because I am really sick of this aspect of our relationship and for us to improve I know I have to try to help the situation of her taking more responsibility of doing things herself (and not making me do them by triggering). I just don't know how I can go about doing that! :\

Any advice would be appreciated (even if it's you saying that I am in fact the one in the wrong here!).