Help getting over BPD friend

[VMJ7675]

Hi— this is my first time posting and I’m just hoping somebody can help me feel better about my situation.  I just need to talk to others who might understand.  About 3 years I met a woman (actually met her bc she was helping to care for my kids).  Over time we got super close (completely plutonic... .I’ve been happily married for years).  She became my best friend but after a while I discovered she seem to be suffering from severe depression.   The depression was horrible. She would basically lock herself up in a room for weeks and didn’t want to come out, didn’t want to exercise or eat etc.   but at this point I cared about her very much and ended up being a caregiver a lot of the time but I really didn’t mind because she was such a cool person and I just wanted her to get better.   But over the next little while it started to be a real drain on my family. I still kept giving her everything I had to give because I wanted so badly for her to know what it was like to be part of a happy loving family and I knew she had a really incredible spirit.   But in the last number of months her behavior got really bizarre and I started to realize it was something more than just depression.   I started studying borderline personality disorder and while she has never admitted to me that she was diagnosed with that,  she fits almost all of the criteria.   She was terribly afraid of being abandoned, had all these crazy stories about childhood trauma (but I’m not sure whether or not they really are true),   Was known for really reckless behavior over the years , had wild mood swings that could change by the hour etc. etc.   Well over the holidays,  she kept finding excuses not to get together with me but insisted after the new year she would see me.   But then all the sudden she blocked my phone number for no apparent reason. I did not realize I was blocked at first and was trying to connect with her because of course I felt worried about her. But after a bit of time discovered that she had actually blocked me.    I gave so much to this person over the last few years and wanted nothing in return except her friendship and it is just making my heart ache that she could actually block my number and never speak to me again.   It’s now been several weeks and she has not connected with me and I still can’t forget about her. Wish there was a magic pill I could take.    Anyone have any advice for dealing with this sort of heartbreak?

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[once removed]

hi VMJ7675 and

it really hurts to lose a friend, especially without any explanation.

how did you discover you were blocked? is there any chance that something crazy happened with her phone, a change in her number, or anything like that? were you blocked on any other avenue?

did the two of you have any tension or arguments leading up to this?

[VMJ7675]

 Thank you for replying to me. I left out a ton of details on the original post because I could basically write a novel, but shortly after the holidays I went out of town for almost a week and as I normally would I checked in with my friend – I sent her a message the second day I was there and got no response. I thought she might want some space so I waited another day or two and sent another message. Then I started to get worried so I wrote longer more thoughtful messages about missing her and being there for her. Never got any response and suddenly towards  The end of the week I noticed that none of my messages said delivered under them.   I couldn’t believe that she would actually block me as right before I left town she had told me she was looking forward to getting together when I got back. Nothing specific had seemed to happen that would trigger her to block me . But actually a couple days after I got back another friend of mine sent her a message telling her that I was trying to get in touch with her and my messages didn’t seem to be going through.  This friends message did say delivered underneath it after she sent it.  Our BPD friend waited a few days before she responded at all and then told this friend that she had decided to disengage completely from me and my family.  While there was no specific event,  tension had been growing because she had actually ended up staying with us for a while and as I mentioned previously that created some tension in our home and so she decided to move out and found a nice place close by that she seemed happy with, but I think that deep down she felt rejected so she decided to go ahead and abandon me before she faced anymore rejection even though I told her time and time again that I would always be here.  I think she has at this point devalued me And the likelihood of us having a relationship again is slim.  It hurts me to the bone because I really really cared about this person and gave and gave and gave and yet for some reason she still ended up shutting me out of her life for no apparent reason.   I know I probably can’t fix things and this cycle would likely be repeated even if I did manage to temporarily fix things but I’m just hoping others can provide support about the situation and how to understand it and deal with it.

[once removed]

tension had been growing because she had actually ended up staying with us for a while and as I mentioned previously that created some tension in our home and so she decided to move out

what happened? what sort of tension grew?

[Sirnut]

Hi VM,

I’m one of the relatively scarce members here whose troubled relationship has been with a friend, rather than a romance or a family member. In my case, it was an opposite sex friendship where romance was off limits. But with BPD traits involved, there’s an intensity to it that can still lead to heartbreak.

That’s what I’ve been through in recent times. Very powerful, but hard to explain to anyone who hasn’t experienced it.

Is that you too? I’d be interested to hear more about what’s happened.

[insideoutside]

I'm also a member that too has a BPD relationship with a friend.

My friend and I reacquainted after 26 years in 2015.  I saw so much in him I hadn't seen in him as a young 21 year old lad; he seemed to have grown and matured (he was into drugs and being irresponsible in his youth) and had a wisdom about him.  Of course, I now know that it was lovebombing. It has been a very testing time being his friend.  To be honest we have been out of contact more than in contact due to his push/pull behaviour and me not tolerating being used.  I was on the detached and learning boards previously.  That being said, we are back in contact again and I am trying my best to validate him and not engulf him.  I don't think being a friend is much easier than being a lover as they still exhibit the same behaviours towards everybody in their life.  I would suggest wait it out (I waited 10 months this time before reaching out).  If she is receptive, she will respond.  In my opinion and going by my own friendship, they never sever contact completely.  She may be hoping you fight for her to prove you are there for her and won't abandon her.  She may well reach out to you after a period of time and act as if nothing has happened, which my friend did the previous time we fell out.  Try not to engulf; give her space and time.

[VMJ7675]

Thank you for your responses I’m sorry it took me a whole day to get back online.  Honestly, I’m trying to keep busy with other stuff to keep my mind off of this as u would with any breakup.  To answer your questions.  Yes, sirnut,  my situation sounds very much like yours.  Even though it was a plutonic relationship, it was very very intense.  Sometimes I felt like the mother of a very sad and scared little girl.  Sometimes we had so much fun together bc her highs were very high.  Sometimes she was screaming at me for the most bizarre reasons.  It was just a roller coaster.  And as you suggested insideoutside, I have decided I must just give her space.  And this is partially because she was frequently with my whole family (3 kids still at home and my husband) and it was hard on them.  The relationship took a lot of time and energy from me and seeing my friend during her sad and angry times was not always good for them.  That said, I miss my friend because things were so intense and I really cared for her.  And the way she ended things with me (blocking my contact out of the clear blue after telling me she was looking forward to getting together) is so very hurtful.  But for now I think I just have to push through the hurt if losing somebody and let it play out on it’s own.