Moving through the manipulation

[Becomingbrave]

My husband of 12 years has BPD with narcissistic traits. He is one of those dreamy guys and when we got together his BPD traits mixed with my need to be rescued and be a caretaker, be a wonderful wife, and have a perfect family all allowed us to be the perfect storm of romance and thrill. I felt rescued from my trauma history and I felt like I was on my way to a blissful new life of love.
When my husband and I became parents I really started noticing the narcissism. I wouldn't have been able to name it at the time, but our relationship began to be strained. I had to provide for the needs of our children and was less present for his needs to be met all of the time. He would cut me down, call me names, and demean me. I chalked it up to new parenting and tried to show grace and forgiveness. Over the years his behavior has worsened as I worked to better myself and my life. He has been often times nothing short of horrible to me. Other people don't see because he's so charming to the world, but he cuts me down, he emotionally abuses me and our children, and he is never satisfied in life. We have moved over a dozen times, he has had a million different jobs, he overspends and then wants to cut back and spend nothing (and demands that of me as well), and he has struggled with substance use, he has used sex as a manipulation tool, and threatened me in so many ways over the years (especially with weird ultimatums).
Guys, I am exhausted! We are heavily involved in church, but I need to be done with this relationship. I can't do it anymore! He is now learning ways to control and manipulate without rage or aggression, but in covert/sly "kindness" like he's "just looking out for me and the kids." I don't know how to leave safely because I feel like he will fight and fight hard and get scary with the charastmatic kindness card while I continue to feel invisible. I am also worried about my kids because he is triangulating and telling them how I've done this to our family. I need HELP or ADVICE for next steps. People close to us see it but because they are all believers too they feel like we need to work it out and I need to give it more time and have more patience. I just don't know how. It's all so much!

Thank you so much for anything you can help me with
Becoming Brave

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[Enabler]

Hey Becoming Brave,

Welcome to bpdfamily. Thankyou for posting and thanks for your story. Many of us have been in very long relationships like yourself. It sound exhausting the number of moves and job changes. Each upheaval is mentally and emotionally draining, not least because the moves mean you have to change your social network. Is your husband diagnosed with BPD or do you suspect it? This is more to complete the picture than anything.

I don't have the statistics here but the Church seems to be a great lure for pwBPD (people with BPD). I don't know whether it has something to do with the fact that they have a lot of internalised guilt and which faith offers redemption for. Or it could be something to do with offering people a platform to do good things and feel better about themselves, maybe feel better than other people... .feel righteous. Unfortunately it also offers many people a great psychological cover for people who wish to cause chaos in an intimate environment. My W is very involved in the Church and is seen by the congregation and senior clergy as a highly righteous, kind, loving and caring member of society. She is very proactive in Church work and Church outreach... .yet in an intimate environment when that front door closes... .well... .lets just say the mask slips. That said, like your husband, because she knows that shouting and screaming, hitting and throwing things are 'bad', and that anger is bad, and she wishes to deny her own anger... .she is very very passive aggressive. The art of being angry without acknowledging it. A punch with a smile.

The great thing for the pwBPD is that they do not have to acknowledge their own involvement in conflict because the observable evidence is deniable... ."what are you upset about?"... ."I'm not upset, why do you always think I'm upset?".  For the person who is being abused by the passive aggressive behaviours it's horrible. I'm guessing you feel like you are held at ransom by his unspoken bad mood among the list of other abusive things he does.

We're here for you and we believe in unicorns as I like to say. Do not expect the people close to you to 'get it'. I know plenty of people in similar relationships who still don't 'get' what's right in front of them yet they complain relentlessly about their situation.

Have you had a chance to read any of the tools section above?

Enabler

[Becomingbrave]

Hi Enabler,
 I just now realized how to find and view responses to my post. I was really struggling with how to navigate the page. That being said I have been reading a lot of books and listening to a lot of videos but I haven't had a chance to check out tools here. I was so thankful just to have people who get it so that I could feel stronger and more capable through this. My husband is diagnosed BPD by our couples therapist. The interactions that I am struggling with now are the ways he is manipulating. I could see through so many texts (we don't even have phone conversations), but now that divorce is really on the table and I'm considering filing and meeting with lawyers he is doing everything to keep me and some of it really brings me to tears because it feels loving and genuine, but I know he'll pull the rug out so I have to keep my guard up when I want to believe that real change is happening. Sometimes the hurt feels like too much to bear and I hate that we have kids in the middle of that. I keep wishing I were stronger so that I didn't have to break up our 13 year relationship, but I don't know how to carry all of this. Has anyone else ever felt like that? How do you stay married through it all?

Thank you for your post. It means a lot. Especially what you said about church. That does make a lot of sense.

Becomingbrave... .I think

[Enabler]

Great to hear from you again Becomingbrave.

I tend to click on Show new replies to your posts. above to see responses to the threads I am active on, then the line above Show unread posts since last visit. when I just want to scan new topics which grab my attention... .I probably should have a more methodical method given I'm an Ambassador! I'm sure you'll get the hang of it.

One of the best ways to avoid manipulation is to try as much as possible to look for action. There's an irony that pwBPD find words so important to them, but they casually throw around words to hook us in with little in the way of back up in action. There's no hurry (assume you are safe, please tell us if you have concerns on that front), it's been a 13yr relationship things don't need to move quickly in either direction and there's time to see if his words (cheap) turn into consistent action (valuable). People can keep up the words for a while but the cracks will show eventually... .one slip doesn't mean he's back to his old ways, as much as one act of kindness doesn't mean he's on a new path. Look for consistency.

"i hate you don't leave me" is a phrase used a lot to describe pwBPD thought process... .him doing whatever he can to keep you is very much part of this.

What's your measure of strength? Saying no and saying STOP often takes a lot more strength than going along with the status quo and putting up with ill treatment. You've said no and said stop now... .and there's no reason for you to turn around and change your mind if there's no change. Maybe there is change in him, and maybe you find changes in you when you spend some time here, learn and see your own contribution to the dysfunctional marriage... .and maybe it's not the end of your marriage... .But all these things take a lot more strength than sitting there putting up with the things as they were.

Make positive change... .in you... .and maybe he chooses to do the same for himself.

Enabler