Once Removed,
I appreciate and respect we all have our ways of looking at things and I think you express a very empathetic and humanitarian view. However, I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with asking the question - do they know what they are doing is wrong. We ask ourselves this question all the time in many areas of life because empathy and compassion are more forthcoming if we feel there are mitigating circumstances that dictate what appears to be amoral behaviors. Of course we all are guilty of behavior that is less than what we aspire to and in the best of relationships both parties occasionally act out of character and do hurtful things... .but I do believe that the difference is - do we ordinarily engage in these behaviors or do we occasionally engage in these behaviors - and what is the extent/implications of behavior. I would never steal from someone or hit their child in a fit of rage - my moral code does not allow that irrespective of whether the relationship was dysfunctional.
For me at least - part of the pain of these relationships is ruminating on how "we" contributed to the issues - what we could have done differently - were we empathetic enough. My T used to say to me - you need to get angry - you need to come to terms with what happened and on one occasion he said (about my mother) - doesn't seem like she loved you. I went home and cried for two days and came back and asked him - why would you say that to me - and he said because you need to understand that what you experienced was not love. He went on to say there are a variety of reasons people act like my mother (or my husband, etc. - substitute person in our lives acting this way) but none of it changes the impact on me. He explained or I learned that by trying to view my mother empathetically - trying to view her behavior in terms of her diagnosis - I was trying to rationalize that what I got from her was love - I needed her love. I needed her love so badly that I would make excuses for her behavior to convince myself that she really loved despite the fact that most of the time that love "hurt me". Rather than admit - she wasn't capable of love. I tortured myself with "if only" I was a better, stronger, more understanding person I would be loved in a way that didn't hurt. I need to see her behaviors as an illness and love her because of it. I made myself the reason she didn't love me. And the more people around me told me as a young adult - be understanding - she has issues - the more I accepted that what I was receiving was love. As my T said - your mother telling you she loved you was the equivalent of someone saying the sky is green. Your whole life you have been told the sky is green - but it isn't - it's blue. There is a an objective truth - the sky is blue. Clarity is freedom. It's not surprising that you have a husband who does certain things your mother did - you've been trained to think that was love. You went out and found someone who loved you like your mother because she told you - that was love - if it hurts it because of you. So telling you your mother didn't love you sets you free.
Once that clicked I "got-it". It made it very easy for me to see - I was not responsible for not being loved and I was NOT responsible for the hurtful things she did or my ex-husband did. Accountability is important because if we can't ascribe accountability correctly in our mind it becomes our guilt and our shame and makes us more likely to allow ourselves to be treated poorly. Someone raised the question - how to break a pattern in your life - in my opinion you break the pattern by coming to terms with the fact - I was not accountable for much of what happened. Sure, my relationship with my ex-husband had dysfunctional aspects but that dysfunction didn't make him lie to me and steal "our" money. I had no part of that and in a similar situation I wouldn't make those choices. It was my mom and my ex that would constantly tell me - I was part of the problem. Yes, I was part of the problem - and my problem was constantly searching within myself to figure out how I could be better or do better to get their love in a way that didn't hurt. Once the wool was off my eyes I could look back and say - NO - there is a difference in our behaviors and I will not take into my being the fact that I am defective and deserving of this behavior. I am not perfect but this in no way shape or form is love. No one looks back at Hitler and has empathy because of his childhood. IMO, judgment is necessary to come to terms with and heal from behaviors that are sick, dysfunctional and amoral.
Someone who is empathic and caring of others cannot logically be said to suffer from antisocial or narcissistic personality disorder in the way these are presently characterized in the DSM. Likewise, someone who is morally committed to being more respectful and considerate of others can plausibly be said to be improving and recovering from histrionic personality disorder. The case of borderline disorder is more difficult, but here as well it is plausible to imagine that a moral commitment to being patient and loving with both others and oneself is an essential ingredient of any serious treatment and cure.
