I saw my T yesterday and we really focused on why my “picker” is so off

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Mod note: This discussion was split from the following thread and moved to the Learning board: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=333190.0

Thank you Juan, Al and Tsultan for sharing your experiences and your kind words.  It goes a long way in helping me feel that I’m not losing my mind in all of this.  You all get me and get where I’m at.  Just reading your responses calms my mind so much.  

I saw my T yesterday and we really focused on why my “picker” is so off and  why emotionally unavailable men are so attractive to me.  It’s finally starting to click.

I found myself thinking about my ex SO a little bit less today.  When I noticed it, I was surprised and glad and then a little sad.  I am in fact holding on to the pain.  That is my last connection to him and it hurts to let go.  

[Jillery]

Mod note: This discussion was split from the following thread and moved to the Learning board: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=333190.0

Thank you Juan, Al and Tsultan for sharing your experiences and your kind words.  It goes a long way in helping me feel that I’m not losing my mind in all of this.  You all get me and get where I’m at.  Just reading your responses calms my mind so much.  

I saw my T yesterday and we really focused on why my “picker” is so off and  why emotionally unavailable men are so attractive to me.  It’s finally starting to click.

I found myself thinking about my ex SO a little bit less today.  When I noticed it, I was surprised and glad and then a little sad.  I am in fact holding on to the pain.  That is my last connection to him and it hurts to let go.  

[Tsultan]

Hi Jillery 

If you care to share sometime what it is that makes you attracted to unavailable men sometime please do so.  I have had the same.  They seem to sneak up on me no matter how I try to see them with clear eyes.  It might help provide insight. 

It is good to know that we are not in this alone isn't it?

 
Tsultan

[Jillery]

If you care to share sometime what it is that makes you attracted to unavailable men sometime please do so.

Tsultan, I am learning that while my mother was physically present during my childhood, she was emotionally unavailable to me.  She likely has PD and I am drawn to that emotional distance.  It is subconsciously comfortable and familiar, just like home.  I am just on the brink of learning these things, and my T says I should give it at least a year to work through. 

Then I caught myself... .

This is the key, isn’t it Red?  I am struck by how exhausting this ruminating and catching ourselves is!  I feel like I’ve been through an emotional boxing match these past 2 months since the breakup.  People will talk to me about current events and I am so wrapped up in my sh*t that I don’t even know what’s going on.  Thankfully, I feel like I’m coming out of the fog bit by little bit. 

[gotbushels]

She likely has PD and I am drawn to that emotional distance. 

Very interesting observation. The reason for this isn't obvious. Share a little why distance is something that you move toward?   

I am struck by how exhausting this ruminating and catching ourselves is! 

Breathing helps a lot. Sometimes when I'm busy with something and my mind wanders to a place I prefer it not to wander to--I notice that sometimes I hold my breath. It's a bit naughty because breathing 3 or 14 counts is easier than going for a run. 

[Jillery]

Share a little why distance is something that you move toward?

gotbushels, my understanding is that by having an emotionally distant mother, I subconsciously am drawn to that same behavior because it is familiar.  It doesn’t feel good and it’s not what I truly want, but it is familiar, therefore comfortable in that I know how to “handle” the behavior with my “fixer” personality. I don’t expect more love because this lack is all that I know.  Therefore I (believe) I am satisfied with breadcrumbs of affection because it is more than I have ever received. 

My mother is currently in a long term, long distance relationship where her “partner” is literally and openly with another woman for half the year while he’s “wintering”.  This caused her to revert back to drinking so much that she fell in her driveway and ended up in intensive care due to possible brain damage.  Yet she has not ended the relationship.  He never came to see her in the hospital or rehab for the 3 months while she recovered.  Yet she swears they are “best friends”.  This is my role model.

My T has been asking me to ponder questions like:
What did your mother praise you for growing up and now?
Your father admits to knowing of her struggles early on but left you in her care, often for several months at a time while working.  How do you feel about that?

Lots of things to think about lately and I’m just barely scratching the surface of what it all means regarding how I see myself and my relationships.

[gotbushels]

[... .] He never came to see her in the hospital or rehab for the 3 months  [... .]

That seems to be a very twisted set of events. Situations like that seem to be wrought with the tendrils to trap a "fixer" like yourself. How would you feel about it if this was your friend, or perhaps an acquaintance?

[... .]  It doesn’t feel good and it’s not what I truly want, but it is familiar, therefore comfortable in that I know how to “handle” the behavior with my “fixer” personality. I don’t expect more love because this lack is all that I know.  [... .]

Wow! Very insightful Jillery. This is a fantastic topic. I don't think a lot of people have the situational detachment to see the patterns that they're comfortable with versus the patterns they actually want to be in. When you progress more here, I encourage you to share more on this moving away from your old self-role. The learning board might give you a good discussion about making better choices to move into healthier relationship dynamics rather than dysfunctional ones. It seems that's something you'd be very interested in since you spoke of your mother's situation and her being your supposed role model.

My T has been asking me to ponder questions like [... .]

To me--for these questions--the implications and connections to the possible answers are a deeper exploration of what makes you, you. Great questions.