Abandonment fears/issues

[steelwork]

I apparently have a hair trigger about abandonment. Anyone else?

Exhibit A:

Last month I hired a couple guys to help me carry something heavy upstairs to my (walk-up) apartment. I arranged to meet them at my building with the item in a rental van. They called to confirm as I was driving there, but then they were late. I sat in the van for fifteen minutes waiting for them, increasingly certain that I'd been pranked. It seemed possible, even likely, that they'd pretended they were going to show up but never intended to--just so that I would be left there with a rental van and a heavy item I couldn't deal with. Crazy, right? I knew, intellectually, that this wasn't the case, but it felt emotionally real. I don't know how to describe it.

Exhibit B:

The other night I had a strange dream. A woman was pet-sitting an owl. It was withdrawn, and wouldn’t look at anyone except the woman, who was pleased about her special relationship with the depressed owl—until it was pointed out to her that this particular species was known for bonding deeply through eye contact. There was an awful premonition of heartbreak. The owl would pay a terrible price for the woman’s vanity when its owner returned.

When I woke up, I thought I was the woman. I remembered the feeling I've often had of needing to withhold affection from men so I wouldn't cause them pain, because I was on the fence about the relationship. But then I thought I might also be the owl in the dream, and that I was suffering now from my ex's rapacious need for attachment. I think both things can be true, and it shows how abandonment fears can cut both ways.

My ex and I both had abandonment issues, so that was a disaster waiting to happen.

[I will say that I was actually abandoned by my mother when I was 10.]

[Lucky Jim]

When I woke up, I thought I was the woman. I remembered the feeling I've often had of needing to withhold affection from men so I wouldn't cause them pain, because I was on the fence about the relationship.

Hey steelwork, That's a fascinating dream!  I find your memory interesting because from my point of view, as a man, it's the withholding of affection that causes pain, not the other way around.  But, as you suggest, maybe it cuts both ways.

LuckyJim

[steelwork]

I can understand that, LuckyJim. I think I didn't (don't) think of it as "withholding" in the moment. It feels more like being responsible with someone's heart. Not acting more certain than I am. But part of growing up (at this late date) has been acknowledging the effect it has on others. I think it comes from a place of not trusting myself.

Interestingly, another thing about me is that I'm not really capable of flirting. Also, I miss flirting signals from others (I'm told). In other words: I probably seem like I don't have strong emotions, when in fact I do. I'm just paralyzed a lot of the time.

[Insom]

Hi, steelwork.  Nice work here addressing your abandonment fears.  I can relate to what it feels like to struggle imaginary, negative judgement.  When I get singled out in work situations my go-to emotional response is to fear that I'm in trouble and about to get scolded, even though that's rarely to never the case.  It's a primal response that comes from my childhood, I think.  Are there in-real-life scenarios from your childhood you can remember where you felt pranked or singled out for ridicule?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey steelwork, I'm sure you can learn to flirt!  What is it that you are so afraid to feel?  That's a tough question, I know, but the answer might explain why you feel so "paralyzed a lot of the time."

Going through the BPD wringer was terrible, but after it was over I felt liberated in the sense that I no longer saw a need to guard my feelings.  Now I like to let it all hang out, to use a 60's cliche!

LJ

[Mutt]

Hi steelwork,


I can relate with fear of abandonment. I get thoughts in this r/s with gf although I think that what is different this time than when I got here because of a upwBPD, is that I’m more aware of these thoughts and understand that they’re irrational. I say to myself that they are irritations thoughts my gf now is not conne Ted to anything that played out in my past.

Can you tell us about what happened when you were 10? I was abandoned at birth, I was abandoned again when I was 7, my adoptive mom died of cancer, finally abandoned again at 15 by my adoptive dad with anxiety disorder and narcissistic traits.

[steelwork]

Hi Mutt,

Well, it really started earlier--like, when I was 10-11 months old and my parents went off traveling for a month, leaving me with a babysitter... .which obviously I don’t remember, but apparently you can have something called an emotional flashback. My sibs and I were treated as though we needed no adult supervision and could make all our own choices, which was of course good and bad. I was a typical latchkey kid, but also: my mother (who I lived with) was very depressed & “disappeared” a lot into that. My father (they split when I was 2) would ditch us sometimes, leave us in pretty crazy situations. When I was 10, my mother moved away and left me with my dad. Then I followed her and tried living with her and her new boyfriend, but he didn't like me, and it was a completely unsuitable situation for me (no electricity or plumbing, out in the countryside in Canada, no central heating, stepfather at home drunk all winter... .just not good), so I removed myself from that situation and lived with some other relatives from age 12 to 14. Then I moved back in with my dad, but he died nine months later from cancer, and after that my brother, who was bipolar, was my guardian, which we treated as a joke anyhow... .

I mean, there's more. The point is: I've been living on the edge emotionally my whole life. I didn't realize it fully until the ex did what he did. (Because he has "abandonment issues.") Sometimes I feel so fragile, like I'm going to shatter--which is ironic (or maybe not), because I had to convince myself I was shatterproof to get through my childhood.

[steelwork]

Are there in-real-life scenarios from your childhood you can remember where you felt pranked or singled out for ridicule?

Hey, sorry I never replied to this, Insom.

No, not really. I wasn't bullied or anything. I don't know where that idea came from. It was just, like, mistrust. You know?

[Insom]

Thanks for sharing about your family, steelwork.  As a former latchkey kid, I can relate to what neglect feels like and remember developing a false sense of strength, like I only needed myself to survive.

Would you like to say more about what "living on the edge emotionally" means in your current life?  What does it feel like to live on the edge?