I can no longer tolerate my daughter. Is it possible to just walk away?

[Parents! Get help here!]

My mother was BPD passed away 6 years ago which I was happy,  she did some very evil things to me of which I didn’t get closure. Now my only child, daughter who has a child out of wedlock, and feel she has picked up where my mother left off. I will say this, I am 65 love my granddaughter and seriously can no longer tolerate my daughter. I have some strong boundaries but no matter she manages to break them where she can. I’m tired and don’t want the stress anymore. I have had a lifetime of this horrible behavior and can not do the dance. My house is for sale, I’m ready to live what life I have left. My plan is to travel the country and world.
Is it possible to just walk away from this continuing horror?

[Eye438]

My mother was BPD passed away 6 years ago which I was happy,  she did some very evil things to me of which I didn’t get closure. Now my only child, daughter who has a child out of wedlock, and feel she has picked up where my mother left off. I will say this, I am 65 love my granddaughter and seriously can no longer tolerate my daughter. I have some strong boundaries but no matter she manages to break them where she can. I’m tired and don’t want the stress anymore. I have had a lifetime of this horrible behavior and can not do the dance. My house is for sale, I’m ready to live what life I have left. My plan is to travel the country and world.
Is it possible to just walk away from this continuing horror?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[DharmaGate]

Welcome, your in the right place to explore these questions. 

many members myself included, have children and parents with BPD.

hope you will stick around and post, read and explore 

[Only Human]

Welcome back, Eye438!

You sound exhausted, ready for some peace in your life. You deserve that. I'm sorry your daughter does not respect your boundaries, it can be so hard, can't it?

I spent a little time looking back at your post history; it seems you got to a pretty good place after your split from your BPDex. I'm wondering, which of the tools did you find helpful then? I know, for me, when I ditched my PD ex several years ago, I was in survival mode - just wanting to get past the pain. I wish I had found this place then.

With our children, it's a whole different thing, isn't it? You ask is it possible to just walk away? What does that look like for you?

I'm glad you've come back for support, Eye438, this place has helped so many (myself included) get to a better place emotionally and mentally, regardless of the behaviors of our adult children.

I look forward to getting to know you better and how we can best support you.

~ OH

[Eye438]

There is quite a difference in breaking of a dysfunctional partnership and a daughter. Obviously, I cannot divorce my child. Mother daughter relationships are complex in healthy relationships. I just know for my own sanity and emotional survival I need a long separation. It’s become too complex for me to review the past including an alcoholic ex husband who brainwashed my daughter into thinking being gay is a sickness. I came out after divorcing my husband. So there is that still looming between my daughter and me. Some things we cannot rectify.
This site has helped me thru a very toxic partnership, it’s truly the best tool for those that are willing to do the inside work. Everything is here, for that reason I give financial support when I can.

[Only Human]

an alcoholic ex husband who brainwashed my daughter into thinking being gay is a sickness. I came out after divorcing my husband. So there is that still looming between my daughter and me.

This is heartbreaking, Eye438, I'm so sorry this happened to you. 

We all must do what feels right for ourselves individually. For me, I couldn't walk away. But that's me, I'm not living in your skin, dealing with what you're dealing with. We are here to listen, support, and not judge - these are complex issues for which there is no pat answer. It helps to talk it through, see it from all sides.

We are listening, walking with you.

~ OH

[Eye438]

OnlyHuman I can’t say I’m “walking away” but taking a break from so much emotional upheaval including my 4 year old granddaughter (sigh). I just need to breath and keep a healthy distance for a while. I appreciate your support as always, thank you.

[Only Human]

Taking a break is a great way to practice self-care, Eye438 - many of our members have boundaries regarding taking phone calls, continuing conversations, etc.

If we're all used up, we are no good to anybody!

My heart goes out to you - I have a 4-year-old grandson, my only grandchild, and have been cut off from him in the past. It's an emotional pain like no other.

I'm glad you continue to reach out, that you find this place a safe port in a storm.  You are not alone 

~ OH

[Eye438]

Only Human yes the pain of our grandchildren being used as pawns because of mental illness is almost unbearable. When it happened the first time a couple of years ago I was devastated, being kept away from my granddaughter unnecessarily. Now, it’s expected but just a matter of when. I am sorry for your pain, I completely understand your pain, I am grateful to have someone who can relate.

[smallbluething]

I think some time away sounds like a wonderful idea. I hope you can find some real peace for yourself with some time and distance.

[Eye438]

Thank you and yes having space and time away from extreme stress is sometimes the only way to get clear and be centered. It’s easy to over think a situation when in the midst of it.

[Feeling Better]

Is it possible to just walk away from this continuing horror?

Of course it’s possible if you want/need it enough and it sounds like you do need it 

I can see what it means to you, to be able to do this for yourself, you have done all you can and now it’s time for you. I think many of us reach a point whereby we realise that we are actually entitled to a life too.

Have you told your daughter of your intention? Are you intending to keep in touch while you are away?

You have a good plan, traveling the country and then the world, I feel really pleased for you 

FB x

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Eye438]

Thank you! I’m finding I can cope with my daughters I’ll mess better if I get breaks for a month st a time, even tho life seems to be one day at a time. It’s the hardest thing any parent can’t go thru I’m grateful for the support here, such wonderful people helping each other. 

[Mirsa]

Hi there,

I totally get that feeling!  I can't wait to move far, far away from my BPD daughter.  She's 18 and I'm about to turn 50.   Since she moved in with her father a few months ago, I've had an epiphany about her impact on my life, mental health, and happiness.  She is not a nice person, and yes, toxic is a great way to sum all that up.  She does have a diagnosis of BPD, but she is high functioning, so college and holding a job are possible for her.   
In the past few months, I've come to accept that our relationship will need to be limited, because she is such an incredibly selfish person.  I kept hoping as she grew that she would develop and change, but her actions in the past few months have forced me to acknowledge that she is pretty much who she is.  She has no friends, never has, and her coworkers barely tolerate her.  It's never her fault of course. 

Anyway, I'm learning and thinking and journaling around the question of what limitations I will need to set with her in order to preserve my own happiness, which dammit, I'm entitled to!  On the one hand, I do feel sorry for her.  But on the other hand, we all have choices, and she could be working harder at being a kind person.  Rather than 'divorce' her, which I don't think will work for me, I think I will set some limits and then in two years, when my younger daughter goes to college, she and I plan to move away.  (younger daughter doesn't speak to her BPD sister anymore)

Is there a way that you can let traveling and a move away translate naturally into those limitations?  Maybe let her know that you could speak with her once per week, and try to keep that conversation to a set amount of time?   I did take three months away from speaking to my DD after she moved out last fall, and the emotional space helped me gain clarity on what I needed for my own Self and happiness.  It was a good investment of time.  I told her that I needed a little space to 'work on myself and think about our relationship' and would be in touch in a few months. 

Best wishes to you... .can't wait to travel and do the exact same as you are planning to do; I'm just about ten years behind you!

[Eye438]

Thank you for sharing! I have been at this for 20years and now I have a granddaughter in the mix which makes it twice as hard. I also had a bipolar partner which exhausted me. I was very involved in being an advocate for mental illness 10 years ago, my mother, partner and daughter suffering from BPD, the whole thing drained my energy to a point that all I did was lay in bed from depression, they all lived with me at one point. I was actually suicidal. Never had thought about suicide at any time in my life until then. I was a successful artist in major collections. My mother passed away 6 years ago my ex partner moved away and my daughter has her own townhome not far from me, (which her father bought for her).
I am still struggling emotionally with all of that fallout and can handle very little confrontation, which probably means I have some slight PTSD, feeling triggered at times in uncomfortable situations.
I keep trying to paint and focus like I used to and feel empty inside, which saddens me very much. What can I do to bring that passion back? Most of my work was personal old family snaps from which I wove a story. I had a good patron give me 2k to start a commission several years ago and I didn’t finish it and kep the money. I feel guilt, which another emotional thing to overcome. I’m sure I had a “breakdown” if there is such a thing.
I’m truly in limbo void of feeling, I don’t like it at all and really don’t know what to do about it, years of therapy maybe? I hate the prospect!
You will be fine since you have another child who sees it and you’re so young. Be careful of what choices you make in your life.
Thank you for posting to me.

[Music Ace]

My heart breaks for you Eye438.  My udBPDd28 has no children and I will be forever grateful.  I have no idea how I would deal with things otherwise.

Although, it is recommended time and time again, that we parents of addicts (and BPD) do not offer 'ADVICE' ... .I am continuously nervous about the openness of a recipient to receive advice from me ... .soo ... .I'm offering an IDEA .

You have used art in the past to explore and share your thoughts and your passion ... .can you now explore a different medium?  Storytelling, fibre arts, music, dance, photography, pottery, etc.  See what 'draws' the energy out of you, see which direction it takes you.  You stated you've been an advocate for mental illness in the past ... .is it time to revisit this, would it allow you to heal or give back?  What about art therapy within that context?

I don't know you, and apologize if I'm over stepping my bounds or offend you in any way, it is not my intent.  BUT, when I read your posts, I felt compelled to respond and what I seem to be hearing is that you are looking for direction again in your life ... .a focus, a purpose, that perhaps is no longer driven by the chaos of your mother, partner, nor daughter.

Although I sense (again, purely my drawing from your posts) you don't want 'sympathy', I want to you know that it is with empathy that I truly express my "I don't know how you did it."  But you HAVE gotten through this so far - maybe not the way you had hoped or had wanted, but you are here and you have a community of strength behind you, ready to support you and hear your concerns and experiences and thoughts without judgement.

I am eternally grateful that my beautiful brilliant child does not live with me (is at least an hour away we think, although she has not shared her current address).  My world is already hell without her living in my house, and there are days I see myself walking away, but I haven't yet.  BUT, I know it is my choice and if anyone but my child, parent, or spouse treated us they way they have, every person in the world would understand why we wouldn't be 'friends' with them or would not work with them.  SO, just 'cause there is genetics/love involved ... .I can dislike and not accept being treated like this.  So heck yah, you sure can walk away ... .and maybe just allowing yourself permission to think that way, you will be able to find more strength to cope?

I've rambled.  Shouldn't have been watching the Super Bowl while typing.

Wishing you peace and a still mind.

Ace

[Eye438]

Ace I appreciate your words so much! Sometimes words are all we need from someone you don’t even know, it truly lifted my spirits. I have friends who are musicians and that makes me very happy, I live in an area that is a hub for music, that I am grateful for. I DJ for local radio on tuesdays.
No doubt I am a survivor have to be.
Life doesn’t get easier, I will say that. We just have to let go of so much as we age, in order to survive . Thanks again for your words it’s enlightening!