Meeting with DV counselor and feeling hopeless

[Ozzie101]

Well, maybe not hopeless, per se, but discouraged.

H has had two anger management sessions so far. However, from things he said last night, I'm becoming convinced that he's about to quit. My DV counselor agreed with my assessment this morning.
1) He said he's getting frustrated and feels like there should be more progress (again, it's been two weeks). He likes the therapist, but "she's not cutting it."
2) He just wants a pill he can take to make the anger go away.
3) He said point-blank, "I'm not the one with the problem. Everyone around me has a problem. They just need to stop making me mad."
4) He's already saying both the T and his psychiatrist are just not very helpful.
5) He's talking about just getting a book and doing it on his own, without a T. "I can do that. I don't need to pay someone to go over that with me."

Several times he's talked about how talking and answering questions doesn't work for him. And he doesn't have time or patience to work through a work book. He's talking himself out of it.

I went with him to one anger management appointment (at his request). I didn't tell the full truth since he was right there and instead tried to sugarcoat as best I could, but when he was upset the other night, he accused me of talking the whole session and bashing him while making myself out to be perfect. I know that's not true but didn't defend myself. I just told him if I felt like someone had done that to me, I'd be upset too.

So, I'm sure I'll be part of the reason this failed. That may be why he wanted me to go -- so he'd have me to blame.

There are a lot of patterns I've been noticing as all this has gone on. One of them is that everything is my fault. Anything at all that goes wrong, he finds a way to blame it on me, even if I had nothing to do with the situation at all. Even when he's in a good mood, there's constant criticism.

My DV counselor says until he's ready to accept responsibility for his feelings and actions and until he's ready to really confront his past, he won't really get better. I know for a fact he's not there yet.

I've been making an effort to be more loving and affectionate. I've been careful not to JADE, instead basically sitting and listening when he's raging, occasionally validating his feelings. And there's been some progress. He hasn't really flipped out in about a month and the other night he pulled himself back into reality. I know these things take time and I need to be patient. Normally I can be.

But knowing that he's most likely about to quit therapy -- even though I knew from the start it was likely, given his track record -- is incredibly disheartening. My DV therapist warned me that as he quits, his behavior might escalate out of frustration (it also might improve temporarily instead) and I need to be aware and prepared with a safety plan.

I'm just feeling very stressed and anxious. I know there are several things coming up that could trigger him (a visit to his adopted mom this weekend, a visit with his bio parents in a couple of weeks, etc.). And while I'm being extra mindful of being affectionate and empathetic and avoiding the traps, I also see more and more of the patterns and the manipulations that are going on here. I understand he's sick. But it's also hard not to feel hurt and resentful that the way he treats me, even in good times, is a way I wouldn't even dream of treating him.

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[Radcliff]

You are doing an amazing job in a really tough situation.  I'm impressed how you're showing empathy for him and awareness of your own actions, and at the same time are using resources like the DV counselor and this site to keep you grounded and aware of the inappropriateness of his behavior and the need for safety.

I'm sorry to hear that he may quit anger management.  It's natural for hope to rise when someone starts treatment, and very disheartening when they quit or don't make progress.  Have you talked to your DV counselor about the difference between anger management and abuse counseling?  For a pwBPD, anger management certainly seems like a good thing to work on.  DV folks don't like it because it doesn't get at a central issue in most abuse -- power and control.  Every situation is different.  What aspects of power and control do you see in your relationship?  Have you talked about this with your counselor?  Did she go over the Power and Control Wheel with you?  It's described on this Web page on abuse defined.

RC

[Ozzie101]

We haven't talked about the difference between the two types of counseling. She seemed to think his doing anger management was a positive, hopeful sign but encouraged me to be wary and on the lookout for signs that he wasn't going about it the right way or that he would give up. I knew going in that the odds were not in my favor there. He's quit so many times before. She also cautioned me that while anger management was a step in the right direction, it may not get at the core problems.

We have, however, gone over the power and control wheel. Looking at it, he displays traits on all parts except Using Male Privilege.
Coercion and threats: He's threatened to divorce me, to have an affair (if he doesn't get sex more regularly), to break items of great sentimental value, to commit suicide (he didn't sound serious), to leave me and leave me with nothing.
Using intimidation: Breaking things (or threatening to), clenching his fists. Standing over me. Blocking my path.
Emotional Abuse: Putting me down, making me feel bad about myself, calling names, manipulation, mind games, guilt trips
Isolation: Using jealousy to justify his actions, encouraging me to break off contact with friends and family, telling me friends or family have negative opinions of me
Minimzing, Denying and Blaming: Making light of abuse (I didn't really block you, you could have gotten around me), shifting responsibility for abusive behavior (it's your fault for making me mad), saying I caused it
Using Children: Criticizing my relationship with my stepson and telling me what a horrible mother I would have made

[Ozzie101]

Forgot to include Economic: Guilting me about making less money, telling me that any money spent is his since he makes the most, reluctance to give me access to online banking for our accounts

[Radcliff]

Yes, what your DV counselor said is where I'm coming from, too -- that anger management is a step in the right direction but might not get at the core problems.

You are learning relationship coping tools here.  Has your DV counselor had any advice about how to deal with him that overlaps with or seems to differ from what you've learned here?

Some of the the things you've mentioned you may have an easier time with, others may feel more damaging.  Of the things you listed, what feels most harmful to you?

RC

[Ozzie101]

She's mentioned not JADE-ing (though she didn't use that word). Said that trying to justify or argue can just escalate a situation. That's something I've learned here as well. Validation has also come up.

Her focus, though, is on my safety, not necessarily on the core of our relationship or on his possible personality disorder.

The children thing doesn't affect me too strongly, but, then, I'm not a mother. I care about my stepson and about our relationship, but his criticism there is not something that's going to really crush me.

The intimidation and threats have gotten better lately.

The emotional abuse is probably the most painful and difficult. He says some horrible things. He accuses me of things I know aren't true. A lot of the time, he acts like he doesn't even like or respect me at all. That's difficult. I also feel like anything I do (any decision or action, no matter how small) may end up drawing scorn and ridicule, depending on his mood. I feel like I can't be myself. Like any decision I make is wrong and causes pain.

Worse, there are times when I believe him -- that it is all my fault. That if I were better, stronger, smarter, kinder, we wouldn't be at this point. Rationally I know that's not true. But it's hard to shake those feelings, especially when a lot of his accusations have a grain of truth in them.

The isolation tactics regarding my family cause a lot of pain and trouble and the minimizing/denying do too. Blame is becoming a regular thing now. It's become amazing how he can twist logic to make anything my fault.

[Radcliff]

The emotional abuse is probably the most painful and difficult. He says some horrible things. He accuses me of things I know aren't true. A lot of the time, he acts like he doesn't even like or respect me at all. That's difficult. I also feel like anything I do (any decision or action, no matter how small) may end up drawing scorn and ridicule, depending on his mood. I feel like I can't be myself. Like any decision I make is wrong and causes pain.

I am so sorry for this.  It is one of the things I found most damaging as well.  When our partner can bring down so much misery on us, it often feels easier just to give in to avoid the misery.  On other things, as you say, it seems like anything we do is wrong.  It is natural for us to look to our partners for validation.  In this situation, you are not getting the validation.  The only practical solution is "DIY validation," where you're able to develop a pattern of self talk that provides the validation you need.  I think the official term is... .wait for it... ."self validation."  Do you think you might be able to get some mileage out of that?

Worse, there are times when I believe him -- that it is all my fault. That if I were better, stronger, smarter, kinder, we wouldn't be at this point. Rationally I know that's not true. But it's hard to shake those feelings, especially when a lot of his accusations have a grain of truth in them.

It's become amazing how he can twist logic to make anything my fault.

This is familiar to me.  I actually was able to joke with her about it sometimes, though other times it couldn't be funny.  When you hear him saying something is all your fault, turn on your self-validation routine and consider the source.  Then, ask yourself, "In our long relationship, what are the chances that every single thing was my fault?  Hmmm... .seems unlikely."  

Back on the not being able to be yourself topic... .you cannot afford to let this stand.  You must not lose yourself.  Can you think of a couple of areas where you can't be yourself that seem the most important to you, and perhaps we can talk through ways to be yourself on those issues?

RC

[Ozzie101]

 The only practical solution is "DIY validation," where you're able to develop a pattern of self talk that provides the validation you need.  I think the official term is... .wait for it... ."self validation."  Do you think you might be able to get some mileage out of that?
This is familiar to me.  I actually was able to joke with her about it sometimes, though other times it couldn't be funny.  When you hear him saying something is all your fault, turn on your self-validation routine and consider the source.  Then, ask yourself, "In our long relationship, what are the chances that every single thing was my fault?  Hmmm... .seems unlikely."  

My counselor suggested that, first-thing every morning, I think or write a positive thought on a pieces of paper. Then, throughout the day, return to that thought. At the end of the day, put it in a jar or drawer or someplace like that. At the end of a month, I'd have 30-31 positive thoughts. I'm working on that.

It has gotten better in a way, since I found out about BPD and started to see his behavior for what it is. I can remind myself that this isn't real -- it's abuse.

I'm fortunate. I have a supportive, close family who love me no matter what. I have other people who care about me. I have strong, happy memories I can and do draw from. I remind myself, I'm better than that. I deserve better. This is not true.

Occasionally, though, I slip and something he says gets under or over the wall.

Anyway, the balance I'm searching for is to keep aware of my own failings and ways I may play into the problem while also being aware of what isn't me and my fault. Being empathetic towards him without getting so focused on that and lost in it that I lose myself and tolerate things that should not be tolerated.

Back on the not being able to be yourself topic... .you cannot afford to let this stand.  You must not lose yourself.  Can you think of a couple of areas where you can't be yourself that seem the most important to you, and perhaps we can talk through ways to be yourself on those issues?

RC

My family is a big thing. I've talked in other threads about that -- for instance, doing things with my nieces and nephew. That's a biggie. He sees my wanting to do things with or for them as a sign that I care more about them than about H and SS. Told me if I take them out for our traditional birthday treat, then he'll see it as a personal attack. Also, he makes most of the money and he doesn't want it spent in a way he disapproves.

There are many others, but they seem like little things.

I like to eat healthy. So does H, really. That doesn't mean I never eat stuff like pizza or french fries. I love them. I just like to eat healthy most of the time because I feel better when I do. And I genuinely love vegetables. H worries a lot about his weight and prefers healthy eating too. Problem is, H's adopted mother (with whom he has a difficult relationship) was very strict about what food they had in the house. Something as simple as my deciding to cook asparagus to go along with the baked salmon we're eating can trigger H. "Oh, you just HAVE to have something green with dinner. Heaven forbid you don't have a vegetable with it. Well, I guess I forgot I married the Food Police." Now, sometimes it doesn't bother him. But I'm aware that it can be a trigger, depending on his mood.

I feel like I ought to be able to cook what I want (keeping in mind H's and SS's likes and dislikes) without being jumped on for it.

That's a recurring thing across different areas, though. It's a pattern I've noticed. There are some things I have in common with his mother -- though she's incredibly inflexible and, I suspect, has some degree of OCD while I can pretty much roll with anything. When he's upset, he latches on to anything that we may have in common, blows it up out of proportion, and attacks me as if he's transferring all his built-up feelings for her onto me. There are a couple of times when he's really dysregulated when I suspect he actually saw her standing in front of him instead of me. He looked like he wasn't "at home."

[Radcliff]

It sounds like you want to be able to cook what you want to cook, with the additional thought that you're taking SS and H's preferences into account.  It feels crummy to cook a nice meal and then get blowback for it.  Any thoughts on how you could proactively own that challenge in a way that is sensitive and empathetic, yet assertive?

RC

[Ozzie101]

What I've done in the past when he does this is basically shrug and say, "Yes, I love vegetables" in a pleasant tone of voice, then go on with what I'm doing. Or, if I suggest it when we're doing meal planning and he says "Why do we have to have a vegetable," I usually say something like "We don't. I'd just like to. If you don't want it, you don't have to eat it."

That's how I usually handle it when he jumps on me for something. I guess that works, though, because he usually doesn't keep going with it in the moment.

I know it's not about the vegetables or the food. He likes veggies too (well, some of them -- I steer clear of ones he doesn't like). It's that he's got major food issues and my desire to cook a vegetable with dinner makes him think of his mother, which triggers him.

I guess where it bothers me is that whenever I do almost anything -- even decide when to do the laundry or drop by the store -- I'm aware that it may bring on cutting comments, "jokes" or put-downs. Even if it doesn't and he seems fine, he may be secretly annoyed, file it away in his mental Rolodex and pull it out when he's upset about something else. I act like it doesn't bother me and put on a cheery demeanor and basically act like he didn't say what he said. He doesn't quite know what to do with that when I'm not playing the game.

But I know this is something that's a part of him and I'm starting to feel like it's unlikely to stop, no matter what I do.

[Radcliff]

Your vegetable strategy sounds like one that avoids adding fuel to the fire, which is good.  You are working hard not to react to him and to roll with things.  The disadvantage, as you point out, is that you're hiding your inner feelings.  It's good not to be reactive, but completely denying our feelings is invalidating and harmful to us.

Have you tried, either in the moment, or in a calm time, telling him how you feel?  Have you heard about "I" statements versus "you" statements?  A "you" statement would be, "You are so hurtful, I wish you could be kind to me," which puts the person on the defensive.  An "I" statement could be, "When I hear that, it makes me feel like I can't do anything right, and I feel sad."

Try experimenting with this in the moment, and in calm times.  Try not to have expectations for how he'll react.  He may react well, ignore you, snipe quickly, or even double down.  Regardless of his reaction, simply voicing your feelings out loud is an expression of yourself and is a victory, so let yourself feel good about it.  If you try it, let us know how it goes and how he reacts.

RC

[Ozzie101]

Letting him know how I feel is something I've definitely fallen down on. Early on, I tried to let him know how I was feeling but it didn't go well. Either he'd get defensive or dismissive. I think it's just gotten to the point where I feel safer keeping it to myself. No risk that way. But, you're right. It's harmful in the long-run.

And, yes, I know about "I" vs. "you" and make a conscious effort to use "I." He, by the way, always uses the "you" statements.

[Ozzie101]

I've been thinking about this some and here's why I think it's run into trouble before: H can't handle anything he perceives as criticism. No matter how gently delivered or how much I own of the situation, he'll get defensive or turn it around on me and point out all the things I do wrong.

It reminds me of my SS8, who will start crying at the tiniest correction. (Drives H crazy.)

That's why I've stopped voicing my own feelings. It's never gone well. But I do see merit in what you say and just giving up is not productive. I'll give it a try.

[GaGrl]

And keep in mind that you cannot control has he perceives something. That path leads to eggshells.

[Ozzie101]

True. I'm working on it but I had definitely gotten into an "eggshells" pattern with him. It just felt so much easier and safer to play along. He hasn't been physically threatening very often or even in a while (it's been about a month since the last episode) but it was enough to make me feel sort of panicked.

[Radcliff]

Letting him know how I feel is something I've definitely fallen down on. Early on, I tried to let him know how I was feeling but it didn't go well. Either he'd get defensive or dismissive. I think it's just gotten to the point where I feel safer keeping it to myself. No risk that way. But, you're right. It's harmful in the long-run.

It's very harmful to you in the long run, though I understand where you're coming from.  I only realized how damaging it was to me after I'd been letting it go on or far too long.  Try using the S.E.T. (Support, Empathy, Truth) format when you tell him your feelings, with the "I" statement as the Truth.  When you first try it, don't expect to change anything with him at all.  Just working up the courage to do it, doing it, and riding out any reaction will be an accomplishment you should congratulate yourself for.

And, yes, I know about "I" vs. "you" and make a conscious effort to use "I." He, by the way, always uses the "you" statements.

That's great that you're using "I" statements.  It's not surprising that he's using "you" statements, but they hurt.  I'm sorry you're coping with that.

I've been thinking about this some and here's why I think it's run into trouble before: H can't handle anything he perceives as criticism. No matter how gently delivered or how much I own of the situation, he'll get defensive or turn it around on me and point out all the things I do wrong.

That's why I've stopped voicing my own feelings. It's never gone well. But I do see merit in what you say and just giving up is not productive. I'll give it a try.

Remember, your objective is now more limited.  By voicing your feelings, you're validating yourself.  He does not have to cooperate for you to benefit.  When he comes back with criticism, you can validate the valid parts of what he says, especially any feelings he seems to have.

True. I'm working on it but I had definitely gotten into an "eggshells" pattern with him. It just felt so much easier and safer to play along. He hasn't been physically threatening very often or even in a while (it's been about a month since the last episode) but it was enough to make me feel sort of panicked.

A month of not being physically threatening is not a long time.  So your concern is absolutely understandable, and appropriate.  On the other hand, the emotional damage you are sustaining is large, and certain.  To make the relationship workable, you must be able to live with a reasonable level of emotional safety and physical safety at the same time.

I have an idea.  I'm not sure about it, and am curious about what you think.  Delivering an "I" statement in the SET format is a great way to go, and I'm confident you can do it.  But I also know that taking ideas from our threads and using them in real life is messy, especially for the first time.  What about a "baby steps" approach for the first time or two?  After he says something that hurts your feelings, simply say calmly, "That hurts," or "that makes me sad," and then move on to handle the situation as you normally would.  The objective here would be to get some early wins with a simple approach before trying something more complicated like SET.  What do you think?

RC

[Ozzie101]

I really like that idea. Building up to it and laying the groundwork, so to speak. That sounds like an approach that could be better for me. Thanks! I'll keep that one in mind and let you know how it goes.

[Radcliff]

Great!  Let us know when you have the first opportunity to try it!

RC