Why am I feeling so numb?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I’m surprised by how I feel.

Well it’s now day 57 after the emotionally draining split from my uBPD trait exhibiting wife of 9 years.  Any contact we had after the split started off very emotionally draining but her contact with me has decreased markedly in recent weeks, namely as she has a new health distraction (was in hospital – routine stuff).

I will sound really callous here but one thing I have noted during these 8 weeks post break up, there has not been a day when I have missed her….  That really sounds bad but it is true.  My take on it is things were so bad during the relationship that it numbed me, or maybe I stopped loving her(but not stopped caring).  There has been days when I have felt compassion for her and days when I fondly remembered some of the nice times and some of the funny cute things she could do, so it is not that I am not without feelings for her. Like many on here I more or less dedicated my life to attempting to make hers run better (ok codependant) so why am I so numb?)

The numbness extends in to other areas too, I recently lost a very much loved family member and again this has not sunk in at all.  At the funeral I did feel like crying but I did something to ensure that I didn’t as I knew that if I started I would not stop. – so maybe I am not completely numb.

It’s just surprising not to miss her.

On another note I may have been offered some one to one therapy I guess.  I guess I will go but at times I do think why should I go?  I’ll survive.  I had attempted to get help for my wife but I may be the one getting help.  If my wife knew this she would have a field day.

After a horrible stunt my wife pulled post breakup I told the therapist acquaintance that I was ok about what she had done, I was “battle hardened”... .she told me I had lost all sense of self identity and worth………  I was not sure I agreed on this as in my head I know the things I want to do, I do know who I am and the things I like…...   ok sure my wife treated me like rubbish by what she did in that event but isn’t it possible to still respect ourselves, ignore the unpleasant occurrence and keep going on?

Well sorry for the jumbled post. Thanks for reading.  I guess I will take up the offer of T, I guess there is stuff to work through, I don’t believe I would ever fall into the same co dependant relationship again but who knows

Thanks

R

[Ruskin]

I’m surprised by how I feel.

Well it’s now day 57 after the emotionally draining split from my uBPD trait exhibiting wife of 9 years.  Any contact we had after the split started off very emotionally draining but her contact with me has decreased markedly in recent weeks, namely as she has a new health distraction (was in hospital – routine stuff).

I will sound really callous here but one thing I have noted during these 8 weeks post break up, there has not been a day when I have missed her….  That really sounds bad but it is true.  My take on it is things were so bad during the relationship that it numbed me, or maybe I stopped loving her(but not stopped caring).  There has been days when I have felt compassion for her and days when I fondly remembered some of the nice times and some of the funny cute things she could do, so it is not that I am not without feelings for her. Like many on here I more or less dedicated my life to attempting to make hers run better (ok codependant) so why am I so numb?)

The numbness extends in to other areas too, I recently lost a very much loved family member and again this has not sunk in at all.  At the funeral I did feel like crying but I did something to ensure that I didn’t as I knew that if I started I would not stop. – so maybe I am not completely numb.

It’s just surprising not to miss her.

On another note I may have been offered some one to one therapy I guess.  I guess I will go but at times I do think why should I go?  I’ll survive.  I had attempted to get help for my wife but I may be the one getting help.  If my wife knew this she would have a field day.

After a horrible stunt my wife pulled post breakup I told the therapist acquaintance that I was ok about what she had done, I was “battle hardened”... .she told me I had lost all sense of self identity and worth………  I was not sure I agreed on this as in my head I know the things I want to do, I do know who I am and the things I like…...   ok sure my wife treated me like rubbish by what she did in that event but isn’t it possible to still respect ourselves, ignore the unpleasant occurrence and keep going on?

Well sorry for the jumbled post. Thanks for reading.  I guess I will take up the offer of T, I guess there is stuff to work through, I don’t believe I would ever fall into the same co dependant relationship again but who knows

Thanks

R

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Ruskin, Numbness indicates to me that you are suppressing, or submerging, your feelings.  Instead, I suggest you allow yourself to experience your feelings and then let them pass through you.  It's OK to cry at a funeral.  Try to recognize your emotions as they arise, and then do something to process them.  How to process?  That's up to you, but you could: meet with a close friend or family member, talk to a T, write in a journal, practice mindfulness, take a walk in the woods, continue posting here, etc.  You get the idea!

LuckyJim

[Mutt]

Hi Ruskin,

Any contact we had after the split started off very emotionally draining

9 years is a long history with someone yiur T said that you’re battle hardened there’s a reason for that. Did you have situations that you just dreaded because it was not going to be fun with your BPDex?

I recall the dread when I’d get back home from work because I didn’t know if she’d pick a fight when I walked in the door and when we went on road trips she was miserable and I hated the fact that she would pick fights in front of her family making me look like I was a boyfriend/ husband. I had a couple of weekends alone and I loved it because things were calm around d the hour there was no chaos no irrationally.

Could it be that you’re just enjoying having a break from being on an emotional rollercoaster?

[Red5]

Hey Brother Ruskin!

LJ wrote... .Hey Ruskin, Numbness indicates to me that you are suppressing, or submerging, your feelings.

Our timelines are close, .my uBPDw moved out on 1 December, what is that, forty-nine daze ago now... .and we were married eight years.

So, .the first couple of weeks, I was numb, but I felt I was "free"... .then on the afternoon, evening of week three, I started to have a really bad case of cognitive dissonance... .I actually started to miss her, "pin" for her... .I actually texted her... .

Seems I'd completely forgotten ALL the crazy making $hit she'd done over the last maybe three years I been keeping journals... .

Today at work, I actually forced myself to go back and read posts I'd written here, going back all the way to January 2017... .to just get my mind right... .and to try to stop my "thinking"... .about her... .oh' yeah, there is plent-T of materiel there... .downright "crazy" $hit... .non stop... .week after week, month after month... .but my "mind" had blocked it all out... .

As the others here are writing, "feel" your feelings, let them "wash out"... .got to clean the swords blade before you "re-sheath it"... . 

I have to say... .if uBPDw called me right now, and said... ."I want to come home"... .my God, I'd probably let her... .yeah, I got work to do ; (

... .hang in there Ruskin... .and I do remember your question, before my screen went blank... .go see a lawyer, in order to know what you may be expecting if things go that far... .I am certainly not briefed up on the family common law in your neck of the woods... .what do they call them across the Atlantic... ."solicitors"... .just pay for a consultation, tell them whats going on... .and get some advice, as to what maybe to expect (contingency).

... .hope this helps,

Red5

[Ruskin]

Hey Ruskin, Numbness indicates to me that you are suppressing,

LuckyJim

Hi Lucky Jim, thanks for your comments.  I will definitely give that some thought, trying to identify and feel the feelings rather than perhaps suppressing.  Thanks for the other ideas too.  I have been journaling for about a year, very useful – wish I had been doing it for the last decade…...

[Ruskin]

Hi Ruskin,

9 years is a long history
Could it be that you’re just enjoying having a break from being on an emotional rollercoaster?

HI Mutt! Thank you for your comments.  Oh yes the situations I have been in / put through…... mega stress, (not so) fond memories of suffering from all the trauma of the relationship. I can really identify with the coming home to partner thing and wondering what mood would they be in, how many minuets or even seconds would it be until the eruption.  In my cas I was generally home first so I dreaded her arrival…...  One thing you mentioned just reminded me of a thing she used to do with ALL holidays.  It was the I’m going, I’m not going dance.  Even if you had spent thousands on a beautiful holiday, her choice you would be guaranteed to participate in this game………... the game / threats would repeat multiple times for the most bizarre of reasons……… those times have passed now.

I am certainly happy to be off that roller coaster and the thousands other things that happened.  I’m sure I could write a few volumes of the weird and wonderful stuff.
I am free now, but not enjoying the break yet but very very occasionally I feel a fleeting but intense spark of hope, like “hang on... .I am out of this stuff now!  But generally, the trauma and disbelief sit with me each day.

Now to work on healing, I guess.

[Ruskin]

Hey Brother Ruskin!


... .hope this helps,

Red5

Hi Red5, thanks for your words.  Thanks for your advice ref the lawyers etc… yes that is under way to a degree.  I think I have a 14 page summary letter from the chap I spoke to, to digest… maybe I’ll do that this weekend.  Possibly get the ball rolling…

Thanks for sharing how those 1st weeks went for you and some of the issues you have faced…  As I have remarked in the past our timelines were remarkably similar, we were both going through an intense crisis point at the same time.  From what we both thought at that time, I think neither of us thought things would escalate to where they did and they did.  What a shocker……….

Yes I read your were reading back through journals…. I had been journaling my life for about a year, and about the UBPD behaviour only for a few months.  I really wish I had started the jornalling thing earlier, but you don’t know something till you know!  

I can relate to the mind blocking things.  I am not joking that until recently I had more or less blocked off the first 5 years of marriage, barely a memory……  I have managed to retrieve some of the memories by putting together a timeline in an excel document and bit by bit some parts are coming back.  It’s shocking the way the mind can work, to protect us.

Well I wish you well Red5, no hasty reconciliations if opportunities present and continued best wishes for your work with T and associated recovery.

Thanks R

[mama-wolf]

Hi guys,

I dropped off the boards for a couple months, but Ruskin, your thread subject jumped out at me pretty immediately upon logging back in.  I have struggled with significant numbness myself--both before and since separation from my uBPDxw back in June. (Quick recap:  we were together 15 years, married for 11, and have two kids together)

I will sound really callous here but one thing I have noted during these 8 weeks post break up, there has not been a day when I have missed her….  That really sounds bad but it is true. 

I felt the same way.  My T asked me soon after the separation whether I was at least feeling some relief from the stress and anxiety that my uBPDxw was causing me.  My answer was no.  Actually, the anxiety continued, but as far as any other feelings it was just not happening.  Not relief for a break from the roller coaster.  Not sadness for the end of the relationship.  Not even anger towards my ex for her behaviors.  Just numb.

This numbness has impacted my ability to enjoy much of anything as well.  Beautiful day and a walk in the park?  Nice enough, I guess.  Birthday celebration for a family member?  Good to see everyone, but that's about it.

she told me I had lost all sense of self identity and worth………  I was not sure I agreed on this as in my head I know the things I want to do, I do know who I am and the things I like…...   ok sure my wife treated me like rubbish by what she did in that event but isn’t it possible to still respect ourselves, ignore the unpleasant occurrence and keep going on?

And here's where the similarities between us extend.  You may have already read or discussed this in other threads, but I'll throw it out here for what it's worth... .

I don't know the details of your situation, but I do think it's pretty safe to say that most of us here have experienced emotional abuse in a relationship over an extended period of time.  Emotional abuse erodes our identity and sense of self-worth.  This by its nature is traumatic.  A fairly normal and common response to trauma is emotional numbing because it protects us from being completely overwhelmed and helps us get through the traumatic events.

So, now what?

Well, personally I have stayed firmly in numb/analytical mode for months.  The holidays were rough, and my T was out on maternity leave, so that was the best I could do to cope.  Now that my T is back, she's trying to connect me with my emotions.  I have always been avoidant when it comes to my emotions, so naturally I'm reluctant.  It's scary.  But I do get that it's a critical element of healing... .not only for processing whatever grief there may be about the relationship itself (or whatever I thought it was once), but actually repairing the damage to my core self that my uBPDxw caused.

It's such a disconnect for me, because intellectually I tell myself of course I'm worthy of love, I know what I like and what I want.  So some bad stuff happened, but I'm alive, I got through it, and I'm out of the relationship now.  Right?  Shouldn't that be enough?
But internally, I know my feelings don't match that.  I hate admitting that, but there it is.
 And we are emotional beings, so that disconnect will fester and only manifest itself in increasingly negative ways later.  So I continue going to therapy.

I hope you do take up the offer for therapy and explore some of this with someone who can help you navigate the terrain.  It can be pretty daunting, but having a professional "guide" is incredibly helpful.

mw

[Lucky Jim]

I do think it's pretty safe to say that most of us here have experienced emotional abuse in a relationship over an extended period of time.  Emotional abuse erodes our identity and sense of self-worth.  This by its nature is traumatic. 

You hit the nail on the head, mama-wolf.  Nicely said.  Throw in some physical abuse for a lot of us, too (yes, even us guys) and it really takes a toll on one's sense of self.  Yet the journey back to one's core self is a rewarding one.  I'm not saying that it's easy, but it feels good to be back on one's path again, heading towards authenticity.  I pretended a lot in my marriage to my BPDxW and lost myself for a while there, which was not fun.  No more.  Now I strive to follow Nietzsche's advice to "become who you are."

LuckyJim

[Cromwell]

she told me I had lost all sense of self identity and worth………  I was not sure I agreed on this as in my head I know the things I want to do, I do know who I am and the things I like…...  ok sure my wife treated me like rubbish by what she did in that event but isn’t it possible to still respect ourselves, ignore the unpleasant occurrence and keep going on?

Hi Ruskin

Keep going on... .with what?

an abusive and unsatisfying relationship?.

I guess I will go but at times I do think why should I go?  I’ll survive.

there isnt much Kudos in mere survival, it is the baseline.

As for erosion of the self, if anything what this experience has highlighted was that I couldnt have had much self esteem to erode in the first place, or I would have discarded her after 3 months not 3 years.

where my ex got into her mind that she needed to treat me like a doormat, rather than feel fulfilled she had a loving, caring and supportive boyfriend - I waited around thinking she would wake up and think "i dont need to do this".

this is where I was reading completely the wrong page and lacked enough empathy. A door mat IS what she wanted, and if I had paid more attention to her past relationships it should have been crystal clear.

Well I survived being a doormat, even adapted to being one. But it wasnt a match, it isnt what im into and if I would have truly seen it for what it was I wouldnt have put up with it. She wasnt like that in the first few months, beyond that it was a daily wear down. I survived but with a few threads of self esteem left. This was survival but there was no fulfillment (unless you are into that type of thing). I gave it a try, its not me.

I dont need a therapist to teach me how to survive, i manage fine since I discarded the ex. but id like to figure out just how I chose to spend so long in a relationship like this, how it came to it, why I rejected other relationships and put up with it. What can i do to find the real sense of fulfillment that is lacking, rather than the few scraps of "joy" that were thrown to me - more often than not - when I started to make moves to leave her, and designed to keep me contained a bit longer.

the ex not only survived, she was fulfilled by getting what she wanted. Putting to one side just how ill she was - still astute and enough faculties intact to know not to pass up a good bargain when she saw one. In that regard, she was streets ahead of where I was.

Nonetheless - I survived - but thats just about all I can say I did. Discarding her and not missing her though - off to a flying start. this r/s was less about getting what I wanted than to learn to experience the stuff that I dont want. therapy for me is trying to figure out why i put up with it in the first place, not about surviving the next round and accepting that none of this happened by mere accident.

[gotbushels]

Ruskin  

Re: Why am I feeling so numb?

Sometimes around the end of a relationship with a pwBPD (and most often during), nons report feeling exhausted or burnt-out. Me too, I appreciate what that's like and of course you're in the company of a lot of people whom recognise that here on the board. Feeling numb and drained can often feel like you're the ash portion of a burnt-out wick; whether that's from frequent fighting or hypervigiliance. Even 50+ days away from the relationship, I expect it may feel like it too. To me that makes sense with a lot of what you mentioned here:

Well it’s now day 57 after the emotionally draining split [... .]

started off very emotionally draining [... .]

I will sound really callous here but one thing I have noted during these 8 weeks post break up, there has not been a day when I have missed her….  That really sounds bad but it is true.

I don't think that's callous. If your experience has been so difficult such that you feel more happy to be away from this person than in a relationship with them, then of course you can expect not to feel you're missing here. To offer some perspective here, it may feel bad to you (for some reason you may want to look at), but at the same time it may feel good to not have that pain being there.

I told the therapist acquaintance that I was ok about what she had done, I was “battle hardened”... .

I think I get this. When we're detached enough from the situation, have some basic protection for ourselves, then we may start to feel "ok" that she's done X thing, and that we're not going to be stuck in X thing #2 again, we're not going to be in a recurrent situation. It can feel battle hardening because you may have felt some ways to deal with issues that may work for you.

she told me I had lost all sense of self identity and worth………

I'm not a T, and this seems a bit hyperbolic.

ok sure my wife treated me like rubbish by what she did in that event but isn’t it possible to still respect ourselves, ignore the unpleasant occurrence and keep going on?

I cautiously think here, yes, and no. Yes, you can unequivocally retain your self and self-respect; yes, you can ignore what happened; and yes, you can keep going on. So I think you're very right on all those things there. I think the 'no' aspect comes from the idea that you can enlist a qualified T to be that person whom helps you to grow those aspects of yourself that this relationship may have revealed to you. That's of course consistent with Masterson's ideas of "therapist as the guardian of the real self".

[... .] suppressing, or submerging, your feelings.  Instead, I suggest you allow yourself to experience your feelings and then let them pass through you.  

I strongly second Lucky Jim's suggestions on this. I get some of the not grieving thing as a response to death, and some of the things he suggest can help you get that done without the self-consciousness of 'bad' of being seen to be upset. I support you with the others on this.

(was in hospital – ["]routine["] stuff).

A couple of thoughts here. Hospital visits related to psychology are not 'routine' for a lot of people with emotionally healthy partners. Something that numbness actually reminded me a lot of was peace. Think about it, if you didn't have to attend hospital this weekend, you instead have time to pursue your own interests, I think that helps you to feel an absence of panic, possibly having a feeling 'tone' of numbness? Some ideas for you.

Good luck and enjoy your peace.

[Ruskin]

Thank you

Mama Wolf
Cromwell
Got Bushells
for taking the time out to reply to me.  Sometimes i wonder how to thank the likes of yourselves for taking the time to reply and the quality of the reflection, analysis and views.

Thank you kindly and i'll reply back.
Ruskin

[Ruskin]

I hope you do take up the offer for therapy and explore some of this with someone who can help you navigate the terrain.  It can be pretty daunting, but having a professional "guide" is incredibly helpful.

mw

Hi Mamma Wolf
Thank you for writing.  So the numbness thing is not un common.  Good to read that you have been making progress from undoubtedly tough times with the help of the T.  It was interesting to read of your experiences of numbness, both before and after the separation.  Hmm definitely it seems like it is a coping mechanism, and no doubt I will need to explore when it all started and try ensure that it does not continue.  I read what you said about connecting with emotions, avoidant that is a new term to me, I’ll have a look into that, I think too perhaps I have never been the best at connecting with my emotions.

Thank you again for taking the time out to write to me, I wish you continued progress and peace.  I will most likely take the path of help that has been offered to me, hopefully that will happen in the not too distant future, thanks
Ruskin.

[Ruskin]

Hi Ruskin

Keep going on... .with what?

an abusive and unsatisfying relationship?. there isnt much Kudos in mere survival, it is the baseline. -----------

Thank you Cromwell for your comments.  That merely surviving is not the goal.  I’m 100% behind that.  I read what you said about being treated like a doormat and I can relate to that.  The thing is quite often I think the BPD type person does not do this intentionally.  But is is 100%  our responsibility to take it or not.  My UBPD did not understand boundaries and the one time I enforced them, I was out on the street – quite literally (ok it was my choice to leave). 

We don’t choose to put up with it but sometimes we have or had no choice, we love the person, they overstep a line with something.  In my case my W would not respond to words or reason so what happens, they get away with it and we forgave them and the cycle perpetuates or at least continues.

Good luck to your continued growth and progress and hopefully I will start my path to healing soon too

[Ruskin]

interests, I think that helps you to feel an absence of panic, possibly having a feeling 'tone' of numbness? Some ideas for you.

Good luck and enjoy your peace.

Hi Got bushels!  Great name,

Thanks for your take on some of my comments, thanks for replying.  Being away from the merry_go_round of trauma and pain accusations fighting... .has been refreshingly calm.  I a almost feel guilty with all the free time in my life now and things I have managed to do for myself post breakup.
Hey one thing, the comment about the hospital – what that was was my wife had a routine operation, she was in hospital for a few days so in this case it was not mental health related. 
Thanks again for your thoughts

Ruskin

[mama-wolf]

Thank you for writing.  So the numbness thing is not un common. 

Definitely not uncommon... .and gotbushels had a good point to add:

Sometimes around the end of a relationship with a pwBPD (and most often during), nons report feeling exhausted or burnt-out. Me too, I appreciate what that's like and of course you're in the company of a lot of people whom recognise that here on the board. Feeling numb and drained can often feel like you're the ash portion of a burnt-out wick; whether that's from frequent fighting or hypervigiliance.

I hadn't previously thought about the connection between the emotional burnout I was experiencing the 9 months or so leading up to our separation and the numbness I was otherwise feeling before/after separation.  But I can't help but think they're related.

I read what you said about connecting with emotions, avoidant that is a new term to me, I’ll have a look into that, I think too perhaps I have never been the best at connecting with my emotions.

If you're going to look into this, one way to search would be on "attachment styles."  This was the major eye-opener for me, because it was the basis of an assessment done by our marriage counselor early on when we engaged with her.  It was no surprise that I came out as having an avoidant attachment style, and my uBPDxw came out with an anxious attachments style.  The thing is... .those two really don't mix well.

Good luck to you as you explore further... .

mw

[gotbushels]

[... .] hospital for a few days so in this case it was not mental health related

Oh dear. That's my mistake. BPD aside for this one, I hope she's doing fine after the visit.

[... .] has been refreshingly calm.  I a almost feel guilty with all the free time in my life now and things I have managed to do for myself [... .]

Good on you celebrating your peace.    I too felt quite surprised by the sheer amount of time I had not doing the caretaking thing. So much more opportunity to enjoy the moment.

I look forward to your sharing how you're spending your newly discovered time and creative energy.  

[... .] But I can't help but think they're related.

Share more thoughts on this mama-wolf?

[mama-wolf]

I hadn't previously thought about the connection between the emotional burnout I was experiencing the 9 months or so leading up to our separation and the numbness I was otherwise feeling before/after separation.  But I can't help but think they're related.

Share more thoughts on this mama-wolf?

Well, I'd say that my burnout resulted from my pwBPD totally consuming all my energy (emotional and physical).   From taking care of her health needs, worrying about our finances, keeping up the house, carrying the majority of the parenting load with the kids, and generally doing all the thinking through of consequences for not only my choices but also hers.  And that doesn't even touch the affect her actual behaviors had on me... .the manipulation and control, comments that made it clear I would never be "good enough," the arguments, and constant demands to be more intimate and emotionally vulnerable.

So, yes, it's no surprise that by the end of the relationship, we're exhausted and burned out.  There's nothing left to handle the overwhelming experiences of the relationship itself ending, trying to get our feet back under ourselves and find a way to move forward, and beginning to realize the damage we have suffered and how it has changed us.  So the numbness is a natural mechanism to protect us from that.

The danger is in stuffing it all down so that it's not even dealt with once the numbness subsides.  Because then it can fester, do more damage, and/or come out in more damaging ways.

mw

[gotbushels]

So, yes, it's no surprise that by the end of the relationship, we're exhausted and burned out. 

I hear you and agree mama-wolf. Insightful comments as well.

[... .] the connection between the emotional burnout [and] the numbness [... .] I can't help but think they're related.

Looks like you've given yourself that validation on why emotional burnout and numbness are related--what you shared makes good sense and I also very closely relate my (last) breakup with your experience. In addition to keeping the life responsibilities, my ex and I owned puppies; I calendared the days where we each did the responsibilities--it turned out I was doing about 96–99% of it; so I can relate to the energy consumption. Thank you for sharing.   

The danger is in stuffing it all down so that it's not even dealt with once the numbness subsides. 

Agreed. I think it's also important to recognise that sometimes processing is difficult and it takes time. Emotional work can be taxing. I remember going through some stages of working through and found it quite emotionally draining. I didn't anticipate that would happen--why should feeling feelings be tiring right?   Self-compassion by way of giving yourself that time, buying that time, affording that time, to sit down and work through things without pushing too hard--that helps a lot, I feel.