Reading to sign, but have questions

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all, wondering if anyone has experience with this.  My L sent me the divorce papers to sign last week, and judgement will be entered in less than two weeks on the 28th.

But I found a few issues and my L isn't getting back to me.  I'm trying to touch base with another L with these questions, so I can maybe argue back with my L if she tries to say this is right.

So the first thing is, my STBx is getting half of my IRA that I earned during the marriage.  I had to call during mediation to find out how much I had just prior to getting married, to subtract that from the current balance.  They came up with 23K after subtracting half of his very very small IRA.

Mediation was in October... .my IRA has since taken a hit, as all did at the end of the year most likely.  So doing the math now (based on today's balance, which will still be very close to the balance on the day of judgement) I should only owe him 19K.  But the divorce papers specifically say 23K, and I am afraid of signing them with that wording.  Shouldn't it be, "Half of the value on January 28th?"  We were married from October 2010 to this coming Jan 28th, not October 2010 to this past October... .using October's number would just be an arbitrary number not based on anything, right?

My second issue is, going into mediation my lawyers acted like I was going to come out the winner.  They were asking that basically everything be awarded to me, except for a small amount owed to him for the house (I'd paid it off with an inheritance, so he hadn't paid into the mortgage in about 5 years and thus wasn't entitled to much they claimed).  Going in, I said he could keep his truck free and clear, I had no interest in it and I assumed I would be coming out way ahead, so I was fine with him keeping his truck (that we both paid into).  I am keeping my car, but it is a lease, so therefore not an asset.

Of course mediation went terribly, I ended up owing so much more for the house than my L's promised, and they never told me he could get half of my IRA.  I also got half the debt, which I know he racked up way more than half of it.  I was devestated and so upset, so of course I was not thinking clearly.  I later realized, too late, that he had gotten half of all my stuff but he was getting to keep his truck free and clear. 

So I know this was all agreed to and signed at mediation, but the very definition of asset division is supposed to be fair and equitable division of assets.  Anyone looking at our agreement would see that it is unfair. 

What exactly happens at the case management hearing?  Are they going to ask if I willingly agree to the terms and if they are fair, or anything like that?  If so, can I say no I don't think they are fair, or that I felt rushed and my lawyers didn't adequately argue for me? 

[WantToBeFree]

Hi all, wondering if anyone has experience with this.  My L sent me the divorce papers to sign last week, and judgement will be entered in less than two weeks on the 28th.

But I found a few issues and my L isn't getting back to me.  I'm trying to touch base with another L with these questions, so I can maybe argue back with my L if she tries to say this is right.

So the first thing is, my STBx is getting half of my IRA that I earned during the marriage.  I had to call during mediation to find out how much I had just prior to getting married, to subtract that from the current balance.  They came up with 23K after subtracting half of his very very small IRA.

Mediation was in October... .my IRA has since taken a hit, as all did at the end of the year most likely.  So doing the math now (based on today's balance, which will still be very close to the balance on the day of judgement) I should only owe him 19K.  But the divorce papers specifically say 23K, and I am afraid of signing them with that wording.  Shouldn't it be, "Half of the value on January 28th?"  We were married from October 2010 to this coming Jan 28th, not October 2010 to this past October... .using October's number would just be an arbitrary number not based on anything, right?

My second issue is, going into mediation my lawyers acted like I was going to come out the winner.  They were asking that basically everything be awarded to me, except for a small amount owed to him for the house (I'd paid it off with an inheritance, so he hadn't paid into the mortgage in about 5 years and thus wasn't entitled to much they claimed).  Going in, I said he could keep his truck free and clear, I had no interest in it and I assumed I would be coming out way ahead, so I was fine with him keeping his truck (that we both paid into).  I am keeping my car, but it is a lease, so therefore not an asset.

Of course mediation went terribly, I ended up owing so much more for the house than my L's promised, and they never told me he could get half of my IRA.  I also got half the debt, which I know he racked up way more than half of it.  I was devestated and so upset, so of course I was not thinking clearly.  I later realized, too late, that he had gotten half of all my stuff but he was getting to keep his truck free and clear. 

So I know this was all agreed to and signed at mediation, but the very definition of asset division is supposed to be fair and equitable division of assets.  Anyone looking at our agreement would see that it is unfair. 

What exactly happens at the case management hearing?  Are they going to ask if I willingly agree to the terms and if they are fair, or anything like that?  If so, can I say no I don't think they are fair, or that I felt rushed and my lawyers didn't adequately argue for me? 

[Mutt]

Hi WantToBeFree,

Of course mediation went terribly, I ended up owing so much more for the house than my L's promised, and they never told me he could get half of my IRA.  I also got half the debt, which I know he racked up way more than half of it.  I was devestated and so upset, so of course I was not thinking clearly.  I later realized, too late, that he had gotten half of all my stuff but he was getting to keep his truck free and clear.

I’m sorry that I can’t off you advice here, I’m avtuakly going to ask for case management for something different. I would like about case management but all I can offer you is support. I’m sorry to hear that mediation wasnt fait - I can relate with getting stuck with most of the debt.

The judgement is close can you share how the judgement went?

[Turkish]

 You might want to ask this question on avvo.com, though not stating that you already have a lawyer and are in process. 

[WantToBeFree]

Hi WantToBeFree,

I’m sorry that I can’t off you advice here, I’m avtuakly going to ask for case management for something different. I would like about case management but all I can offer you is support. I’m sorry to hear that mediation wasnt fait - I can relate with getting stuck with most of the debt.

The judgement is close can you share how the judgement went?

Thanks for the support.  Sorry I haven't replied before now, I got totally swamped these last few weeks.  So I ended up asking another lawyer and he said yeah, it should have been worded so that it was actually taking into consideration the amount on the day judgement was entered.  But as my lawyer explained, I was only contesting it because my IRA took a hit.  Had my IRA increased at year end, I would have been very unhappy with using the day judgment was entered.  Still sucks I took a hit, but I do see her point.

So judgment went fine... .was a very long day, lots of waiting around, but it was at least entertaining (a fight among other parties almost broke out in the hallway and listening to the case ahead of ours passed the time).  It was weird because we actually got along very well that day... .we were super early so we ended up sitting next to each other in the hall and talking for several hours.  It was the best we had gotten along in months.  Kind of made me sad though, because THAT is the guy I wanted to stay married to forever.  Not the raging, angry, pissed off abuser that he was all too often. 

I'm doing ok now, I had a bad night a few nights later, reminiscing on all the history we shared and how sad it is.  But I think I just needed a good cry which I had, and now I am doing well.  Feels weird to call him my ex-husband though.  I've been referring to him as my ex, but to say ex-husband is altogether different.  Eh, such is life.

Thanks again for the support.

[WantToBeFree]

You might want to ask this question on avvo.com, though not stating that you already have a lawyer and are in process. 

Thank you, I did end up asking another lawyer.

[ForeverDad]

So judgment went fine... .was a very long day, lots of waiting around... .  It was weird because we actually got along very well that day... .we were super early so we ended up sitting next to each other in the hall and talking for several hours.  It was the best we had gotten along in months.  Kind of made me sad though, because THAT is the guy I wanted to stay married to forever.  Not the raging, angry, pissed off abuser that he was all too often.

I had a similar experience, on the brink of The Final End, it was so strange, we had a rare 'normal' conversation, some bantering for a couple minutes.  In a phone conversation on the evening of our 18th anniversary, a couple days before our two year divorce's decree was final, she exclaimed "Happy anniversary!" and added she thought "you'd ask me out or something to celebrate."

I even teased her that I couldn't find any compromising photos she wanted returned to her and we only had a couple days left if she wanted to make some so I'd have something to give her.  (Sorry, only some brief banter, nothing happened.)