Soothing a grown child

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I’ve been in therapy for a while. I’ve been a member here for a while. Participating in both, Ive learned that my core is the heart of the matter. My inner child. My frame of reference. That little boy was hurt daily. How could I not walk him into adulthood? He is me. What I didn’t know is how much of that boy would stick with me.

It can eventually come to the surface. I think it’s necessary for this to happen. It doesn’t for some. When it comes to the surface we have to decide what to do with it. There are easy ways out. We can stuff it. We can also face it. Processing trauma is a difficult thing. It’s realizing that the pain that was experienced molded behaviors that I’m not proud of. This realization makes me want to change. My past doesn’t define me. My definition is up to me. I’m the final deciding factor in how my life turns out.

I’ve made very bad decisions throughout my life. I accept that. I wish that I had made better choices. I can’t change that now. I can, however, make better choices in moving forward. I can focus on healthy values and virtues. I can focus on contributing to society in a meaningful way.

Grieving my childhood and the parents that I didn’t have has been a storm of emotions. This is life. I feel it. I could’ve gone one way, but I chose the other.

I’ll be damned if my child feels like this at 42.

[JNChell]

I’ve been in therapy for a while. I’ve been a member here for a while. Participating in both, Ive learned that my core is the heart of the matter. My inner child. My frame of reference. That little boy was hurt daily. How could I not walk him into adulthood? He is me. What I didn’t know is how much of that boy would stick with me.

It can eventually come to the surface. I think it’s necessary for this to happen. It doesn’t for some. When it comes to the surface we have to decide what to do with it. There are easy ways out. We can stuff it. We can also face it. Processing trauma is a difficult thing. It’s realizing that the pain that was experienced molded behaviors that I’m not proud of. This realization makes me want to change. My past doesn’t define me. My definition is up to me. I’m the final deciding factor in how my life turns out.

I’ve made very bad decisions throughout my life. I accept that. I wish that I had made better choices. I can’t change that now. I can, however, make better choices in moving forward. I can focus on healthy values and virtues. I can focus on contributing to society in a meaningful way.

Grieving my childhood and the parents that I didn’t have has been a storm of emotions. This is life. I feel it. I could’ve gone one way, but I chose the other.

I’ll be damned if my child feels like this at 42.

[itsmeSnap]

How could I not walk him into adulthood?

Would you even want to walk "him" into adulthood? The child was, the grown man is. The child does not need to be a man, for he is a child. The child became a man, and yet he sees a child in his reflection, but the child he sees is not "himself", he is separate, fractured. Why are they not one and the same?

Soothing a grown child

How do you soothe any person? by addressing the need. What is causing the discomfort? Sure you can distract yourself, deal with it later, stuff it like you said, but it will come back. what is that need JNChell?

A child needs to be taken care of. by focusing on the child, you communicate outward your need to be taken care of. what do you need taken care of JNChell? a child needs affection, security and comfort, are you seeking those JNChell? or are you denying yourself those things?

You mentioned before somewhere else needing romance with another person, but you're withholding to learn "delayed gratification". Those are the needs of a man, not of a child. Are you postponing other needs for the sake of "doing the right thing"?

Just my thoughts, I don't know what I'm talking about. Feel free to disregard.
 

[Sad4Her]

JNChell,

Well said! I applaud you and support you.

[Kwamina]

Hi JNChell

You did the best with what you knew. Once we know better, we can do better, if we are willing to make that choice and commit to doing the work to heal ourselves. In spite of everything, you did survive and that means you are now still in the position to move forward and transition from survivor to thriver. How that looks like exactly will be different for everyone, but owning your own issues as you are doing and committing to working on yourself are definitely crucial elements

Your parents were responsible for abusing you, that's 100% on them. Their abuse had consequences for you, consequences that can be difficult to accept. Now as an adult with new knowledge and insights, you have an opportunity to make healthier choices than your parents did and you are now 100% responsible for healing from the abuse. You cannot change the past, but you can do the work right here and right now in the present as you try to create a brighter tomorrow for you and your son

The Board Parrot

[JNChell]

Hello, Snap. I appreciate your insight. Thanks.

Would you even want to walk "him" into adulthood? The child was, the grown man is. The child does not need to be a man, for he is a child. The child became a man, and yet he sees a child in his reflection, but the child he sees is not "himself", he is separate, fractured. Why are they not one and the same?

I think I see what you’re saying here. The thing is, is that the child is still with me because that part of me isn’t healed yet. Unresolved issues. Does that make sense? My current issues are from childhood. There is a little boy (my core) that needs to be comforted and reassured. I don’t see myself as fractured from my childhood self. We are the same person at the end of the day, technically speaking. Same name, same DNA and the same memories. I hope I’m on the same page with you.

what is that need JNChell?

The perceived need is closure, Snap. I attempted to get it once 2 decades ago from my parents and was gaslighted. I left the exchange feeling like I was crazy and delusional. I know what I experienced. Any type of closure will have to be achieved by me alone. It’s been lengthy and difficult, but necessary.

a child needs affection, security and comfort, are you seeking those JNChell? or are you denying yourself those things?

I’m trying to seek those things, but I’m being extra cautious about it. I haven’t been right about seeking those things out in the past and it hasn’t served me well. I feel like I’m emotionally immature in this area and that I need to be careful. Mindful. I don’t feel like I’m denying myself anything. I feel like my senses are a bit more heightened, or always have been, and I’m learning to pay attention to them now. Hope that makes sense.

Are you postponing other needs for the sake of "doing the right thing"?

I am. I’ve been notorious for jumping head first into romances before evaluating what I was stepping into. It has always been the same. The woman/girl wants me, I’m all in. I’ve accepted that it’s low self esteem. Certain people can pick up on that. I’m working on it. Primal needs are just that. I’m just trying to be more careful with myself. I don’t want to set myself up for heartache like I have done so much before.

That’s me disregarding you, Snap. I hope that you’ve had a nice weekend.

[JNChell]

Thank you, Kwamina. I truly appreciate your reassurance. I’m always happy to receive your insight. 

[Tsultan]

JNChell,  ,

Thanks for your honesty.  In the rooms of recovery, we talk about the 3 A's.  Awareness, Acceptance and Action.  (maybe you already heard of them)

Your awareness of your childhood trauma which you are facing and dealing with which is very brave and to be commended.

Your acceptance is admitting your mistakes, and owning them. Many people never get to this point.  This is wonderful growth.

Your action, I can focus on healthy values and virtues. I can focus on contributing to society in a meaningful way. You are contributing to society by helping others heal in this group. 

Giving back.  This is as good as it gets.  Giving back.  In order to keep it we have to give it away.  And you are trying to different for your own son.  That's awesome.

[JNChell]

Thank you, BG. Your words arrived at a needed time.

[itsmeSnap]

I’m trying to seek those things, but I’m being extra cautious about it. I haven’t been right about seeking those things out in the past and it hasn’t served me well

The boards will serve you well for this, lots of caring and comforting people around here that understand what this means. you're safe here. 

Good luck on your journey my friend.