Problems with driving, parking, eating

[creampuff]

I have not posted here much.

I have been with my husband for 9 years, but only recently have I begun to think that he is BPD. I would describe him as BPD-lite. Most days we are fine, with a few of his rages thrown in, but they are mostly not directed at me. We actually do not argue very often, but when we do, it's almost always about my driving, parking the car, and lately, eating.

I don't like for my husband to drive. He gets road ragey and it scares me. Plus he drives like a crazy person. He says it's from years of being a driver for movie studios. In any case, I prefer to drive. He also admits that driving stresses him out, so he is content to let me drive.

Except he can't stand the way I drive. I drive too cautious. If I need to make a U-turn, I will often wait until I find a good space in which to do it, much to his chagrin. He gets angry when I drive too far to make my safe U-turn. Once he got so angry that he started yelling at me in the car, saying, "What the heck is wrong with you! Why can't you do what I say?" Often his criticism of my driving leads to him making statements about how I won't do what he tells me. He has even yelled at me in the past, "You are pathologically unable to do what you are told!" He thinks I do it intentionally to vex him. During the example above, I got so angry that I pulled the car over, gave him the keys, got out of the car, and walked away. We were on vacation at the time. About 5 minutes later, he picked me up. He drove for the rest of the weekend.

In one sense, he is right. I am deeply, deeply, stubborn. And when someone tells me what to do, I dig my heels in even more. I have explained to him that I drive this way because I want to be safe, and I want to avoid traffic tickets (which I have gotten in the past by making illegal U-turns).

He is also paranoid about parking. When we go to the grocery store, he is afraid that someone will ram the grocery cart into our car, or he is afraid that if I park next to a crappy car, they will fling their door open and dent our car. He frequently makes me park 3 different times until he is happy with the parking space. It is extremely irritating. When I park on the street, he will routinely tell me that I have not parked close enough to the curb, or I am over the parking space line, or an inch in the red zone, or whatever. Or he doesn't like where I've parked. It's not a good area, etc., etc. It drives me nuts. One night we went out for dinner. It was raining. I parked on the side of the street where the restaurant was. He didn't like the space. I don't remember why. He wanted me to park on the other side of the street. We would have had to run across 4 lanes of traffic, in the rain, at night, because he liked that parking spot better. I did what he said, but I grumbled. When I parked and got out, he was so angry that he took off in the rain without any umbrella. I had to beg him to get into the car. We didn't eat dinner that night.

Our last two arguments have been because I have been hungry. I tend to have low blood sugar when I don't eat. It is well documented in our relationship. It makes me very cranky. I have, at times, had complete melt downs when I have not been able to eat (this is mostly while travelling, on different time zones and circadian rhythms. We take snacks now when we travel). In the most recent arguments, I have gone to work out at the gym in a fasted state. I came home after the first gym session, took a shower, and wanted to get something to eat. It was 2 pm and I had not eaten since 8pm the night before. He wanted to go to the hardware store first. I told him, "I have not eaten all day. I would like to eat first." He reiterated that he wanted to go to the hardware store, and I reiterated that I had not eaten all day. He got angry, got out of the car, got into his own car and drove off, leaving me in the driveway. Later he told me that I was selfish.

And just recently, the same thing happened. I came home from gym, starving. I saw that he had made the kids breakfast, so I assumed he ate. I knew that it would be an hour or two until lunch, and knowing that I could not wait that long, I made myself an omelet. I was eating it when he walked in from his office. He got very mad. I asked him, "have you eaten?" He said no. I told him, "I assumed you had eaten with kids." "No," he said. And then he called me selfish and self-absorbed. For being hungry.

We had errands to do that day, so I left, not wanting to get into an argument. I told him that I would go to the grocery store on my own and he could take the kids to Home Depot (they had repair stuff to do).

While I was the grocery store, he texted me, telling me that I am a child, that I am selfish and self-centered beyond belief. That I am destroying our love a little bit every single day.

The eating, I can plan ahead for. I can put a banana or a protein bar in my bag, so that when I get hungry, I can eat and know that I won't get low blood sugar. After the last argument, I told him that it was not selfish for me to be hungry, or to want to eat when I am hungry. He didn't say anything, just apologized a few hours later and let it go.

But with the driving, I don't know what to do. It is catch-22. I hate the way he drives. When he drives, he yells at pedestrians and anyone else who is in his way. It is stressful. But I hate listening to him criticize me and micro-manage my parking. What solutions do I have?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

I have not posted here much.

why not? experts will tell you a strong support system is critical. its good to have folks that get it, to bounce things off of and get feedback, both in times of calm, and when fires are starting.

the first thing id ask is if the two of you have ever discussed these incidents, or similar incidents, in times of calm, after the fact.

[creampuff]

the first thing id ask is if the two of you have ever discussed these incidents, or similar incidents, in times of calm, after the fact.

We have, but we do not come up with a solution. My husband seems to think that it is perfectly fine to tell me how to drive and how to park, and of course, I disagree. That's the problem.

[Purplex]

Hi creampuff!

I'd like to offer my thoughts on your situation, please correct me if any of my assumptions are wrong.

"You are pathologically unable to do what you are told!"

This sounds like the arguments about driving are just a symptome of a further reaching problem. Is it possible that your husband sometimes feels left out when you are making decisions together? Or that you don't appeciate his opinions enough?
You said yourself that you are stubborn, maybe he feels rejected in those situations?

I know that nothing of this is your intention, but it can be helpful to think about how our behavior might be interpeted by others so that we can get an understanding where they are coming from and what the real issues are.
Does this sound reasonable?

[creampuff]

Yes, this sounds reasonable. I do believe he feels left out. I think that I do not allow him to influence my decisions as much as he allows me to influence his. Thank you for pointing this out. I don't know if I can change this, but I will try.

[Purplex]

Maybe you can start small by deliberately asking for his input on decisions that you could make by yourself but don't have a strong opinion about yet, so that it's easier for you to take his point of view into consideration. Listen actively, validate his thoughts and feelings and try to keep an open mind.  It's about making him feel heard and valued, you don't need to agree with him. This article on validation might be helpful here, in case you didn't read it already.

He wanted to go to the hardware store first. I told him, "I have not eaten all day. I would like to eat first." He reiterated that he wanted to go to the hardware store, and I reiterated that I had not eaten all day. He got angry, got out of the car, got into his own car and drove off, leaving me in the driveway. Later he told me that I was selfish.

Are you familiar with the communication tools in the workshop? https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69272.0
Maybe SET could be useful to emphasize that you support and understand his plans and needs (going to the hardware store) while keeping your own needs (eating) in mind. What do you think?