Youngest Brother full of BPD Fleas

[BunnyLoris]

Hey guys,

I know my first post was really chaotic and unclear, and tried to deal with a lot of stuff at once, but now I know what it is I want to talk about.

My youngest brother is about a full decade younger than I am.

As a child, he was active, and wild, and funny, and smart, and almost ridiculously masculine for a child so young. And before anyone asks if he was gender policed... .I don't think so. He played with his sister's toys, and his brother's toys. He had hand-me-downs from both. And he was the baby of the family so, pretty much whatever he wanted to wear or play with or do, he got to. I only bring this up because it will be relevant later.

That said, he didn't usually show much interest in toys at all. He liked things he could build with.
He demonstrated an amazing natural aptitude for engineering when he constructed a yarn web capable of holding its "victim's" weight.
He would sneak up and construct these in the night so that someone would fall into them in the unlit house, and then come and laugh at them before helping them out.
He was a toddler.

Around that time my mom left for a few months to go do some stuff she was probably lying about.


When I left home at eighteen, my parents were splitting up, and littlebro was determined to live with mom. (Mom btw seems to have munchausens comorbid with her BPD, and even wanders into munchausen by proxy territory with her kids at times.)

At that time, he was in football, had friends, and was a spitfire.


I've only seen him once or twice since then. Once when I spent my savings to take him and sis on three day vacation after which all communication was broken off.


Now, as to gender policing. I don't know how people feel about it on here, and I'm not trying to start a debate. What I WILL say is that my mother gender policed... .but like... .backwards.

My mom felt that homosexual kids, and trans kids were more special. So, when I was growing up, she was constantly attempting to get me into relationships with female friends, and calling into question my femininity. This was an ongoing thing where any time I had a lesbian friend, mom would get really close to them and soon enough they'd be pursuing me romantically... .and unfortunately for both of us (because I'd have liked to maintain the friendship, but couldn't under these circumstances) I wasn't romantically interested in females.

Fast forward to my little brother, whom she's had alone for years. I haven't had a conversation with him that wasn't actively monitored by her in nearly a decade. He's a teenager now.

And he's overweight, computer addicted, and (in my mind suspiciously) bisexual and gender nonconforming.
I don't have a problem with bisexual or gender nonconforming people. However, after observing him closely I am pretty dang sure this is a mommy-induced pseudo-bisexuality combined with a liking for a sort of romantic goth aesthetic.

Still, those things don't matter too much to me. He can be who he wants to be. They're only red flags because of my experiences with my mother.

What's more concerning is he's adopted this "morals are an illusion/stupid/something to manipulate people with" attitude.

When he started coming over to my place to study (because good luck studying around FOO) it took me a while to realize he was lying about stupid little things.
What he'd done in his studies over the week, for the most part. But also other stuff so minor I forget what it was now... .little things that there's NO REASON to lie about.

Then, I started catching these weird smug looks off of him. Like... he felt superior to me because I didn't catch on that he was lying... .Which he still believed at that point because I wasn't comfortable just out and calling him on such tiny b.s.


THEN, just a couple days ago, he stole a large amount of money from me.
I know it was him, because there was literally no one else it could be.
He tried to shift suspicion onto my husband... .but some of that money was supposed to go toward things DH needed too that we now can't afford.
When I talked to lilbro on the phone about it, he did a really poor job of acting surprised, and somewhat better job of acting butthurt and came this close to outright admitting it.
I was telling him how, if he just apologized and returned the money, I would still be willing to help him BUT if he didn't, our relationship was going to be damaged.

Here's where I made my mistake: I mentioned that I'd been looking everywhere in the hopes that I simply misplaced it.
At which point I heard a clear shift in his tone of voice as he shut down the idea of apologizing and giving the money back and decided to try to manipulate me into a feeling of guilt for accusing him. He even say, "I'm sorry if you don't find it, but I didn't take it."

Thing is, it was in a very specific location which only he, myself, and my husband had any access to. It was only there a couple of days (the days he was over) because we were waiting for monday to put it into our account.

Why would he do this?

We're pretty sure it's because DH told him he couldn't have a sugary drink right before bed the night before.
There was this whole argument where lilbro kept saying, "I bought it with my money."
DH wasn't telling him he couldn't have it... .just not right before bed when he's supposed to have cleaned his teeth already.

So, because he couldn't have a sugar drink before bed, and was angry at DH for enforcing any rules, he stole our money... .and then seemed surprised there were any consequences... .and tried to turn us against each other.

On top of that, after he left we found headlice in the bedding he was using, and the stench in the bedding hasn't come out after three washes.
This made some comments of his, and some of his behaviors, make sense and I'm pretty sure he knew he had headlice when he came over .

What really hurts here isn't the money (even though I worked hard for it, and it was going to be a big help to us in a difficult situation).
What hurts is this:

I've tried to reach out to each and every one of my siblings in the hopes that they will be willing to start struggling free of the FOO enmeshment.
I've encouraged them in school, and tried to communicate to them the importance of safeguarding their futures because those futures can be so much better then what they've had... .

And I've watched each of the others become so infested with BPD fleas that I can't tell for sure if its just fleas or if they've developed it themselves.

This kid is my last hope of rescuing any of the children I helped raise from BPD hell... .and I think I've failed.

I mean... .I don't think I can help him.

The worst part is, there's no closure. He's only a teen, and until something concrete happens to trap him there for good, I'm going to keep having this painful nugget of hope for him. It'll just be there to hurt, and hurt while he throws away anything I ever tried to give him and succumbs fully to my mother's hopes for him... .

[BunnyLoris]

Just an update.
DH called my dad to make sure he wasn't bringing lilbro over this weekend. We figured it would be obvious but apparently it wasn't because... .dad was totally planning on bringing him.

Boundaries in this kind of situation are a lot easier for me than figuring out boundaries in a situation where ongoing contact is expected.

Instead of navigating how much time and when I'll have to see various members of FOO... .I can just decide not to.

It's also really helpful when DH is willing to take communications lead.

[Mutt]

I've tried to reach out to each and every one of my siblings in the hopes that they will be willing to start struggling free of the FOO enmeshment.
I've encouraged them in school, and tried to communicate to them the importance of safeguarding their futures because those futures can be so much better then what they've had... .

I think this would be a difficult task to get everyone on the same page. Some people don’t want to change, they don’t want think too much and are happy being busy and keep moving forward without stopping and thinking about things.

They’re lucky to have you as a sibling because you have awareness, it sounds like they don’t or have little awareness.

This kid is my last hope of rescuing any of the children I helped raise from BPD hell... .and I think I've failed.

Don’t be hard on yourself. If it is fleas wouldn’t it take awhile for him to stop these habits after having a certain time away from your mom?

That being said it could also be ingrained in his personality you said that he was a teenager they usually don’t like to dx BPD when they’re teenagers because of the black and white thought patterns.

I’m sorry that he’s being dishonest with the money. Does he spend the weekends with you? Is he invited the next weekend?

[GaGrl]

Does your dad know why lilbro won't be coming to your house? ( BTW, headline and theft would be a real-breaker for me.)

[BunnyLoris]

Don’t be hard on yourself. If it is fleas wouldn’t it take awhile for him to stop these habits after having a certain time away from your mom?

That being said it could also be ingrained in his personality you said that he was a teenager they usually don’t like to dx BPD when they’re teenagers because of the black and white thought patterns.

I'm pretty sure my sister has full-on BPD and it started to become really clear that things were headed in that direction right around his age. That said-- I'm sure I was similarly disoriented by my mom's influence at that age, and I hope things improve for him.

All of my siblings except for me live at home now, and he's the only one who is under age at this point. My big fear is that without intervention he will simply never go away from our mom. Especially since she's making herself sicker, and he's the most likely candidate for primary caregiver.

I’m sorry that he’s being dishonest with the money. Does he spend the weekends with you? Is he invited the next weekend?

No, he's been dis-invited. I feel bad about it, because I understand that he may need demonstrations of unconditional love but... .I can't afford this right now. Not just monetarily, but emotionally. I'm still struggling to get my feet back under me, and with the way he seems to genuinely enjoy lying to and stealing from me... .I just don't see how I could trust him in my home.

There's also the hygeine and lice issue... .

We've offered to help him online if he'll come clean and return the money, but I don't view that as being likely.

Does your dad know why lilbro won't be coming to your house? ( BTW, headline and theft would be a real-breaker for me.)

Yes, he knows why. He hasn't said anything about the theft or the money since the night we asked him to search lilbro's room. He seems to be avoiding the subject.

And yeah... .it's been a bit of a deal-breaker .

It's just a heart-breaker too.

I always thought that after I got out, I'd be able to help some of my siblings get out too and as the years have gone by this has started to look less and less likely.

All my other sibs started with lying and stealing as teens too. They started drugs around that time too. My family's poisons of choice are marijuana (used in the most irresponsible fashion possible) and methamphetamine.

DH is worried lilbro might be getting into drugs since olderbro went to live there. He says he thought lilbro's teeth were getting rapidly worse, and that he was losing weight... .which were the first two signs when olderbro started doing it.

So... .it's just a big old crudshow over at FOO's place at this point.

[Turkish]

It sounds to me like he is power tripping because he feels powerless in significant aspects of his life.  He needs to have control over something.  I agree with Gagrl about the theft,  but his need to assert control might be a validation target. 

[BunnyLoris]

but his need to assert control might be a validation target. 

I’d really like to hear more about this

[Turkish]

I’d really like to hear more about this

My T was a fan of being blunt. 

I'd still be pissed about the theft and wouldn't trust the kid other than what I knew I could trust him with. There might be an opportunity to ask, "do you feel like you're in control of your life?" Such a person may obfuscate or spin, but people often volunteer things without asking.  A validating reply might be mirroring back, "so it sounds like you're saying... ."

I'm not advocating going down this path,  but it's an option.