I walk on eggshells out of habit

[mitti]

Hello,

I left my exBPDbf over 3 years ago now. I have been dating and a couple of guys for a little longer. Then a while back I met a man I really clicked with. And he really liked me too. He has come out of dysfunctional and high conflict r/s a couple of years ago with an uBPDw and told me early on he was not yet ready for a r/s. We are long distance also. There were some misunderstandings in the beginning, I read too much into something he said, which triggered his past, and after this he became back and forth in his communication. When he didn't know how to deal with something he cut off contact in one channel, not all, and I backed off. I also started realising that I was falling back in co-dependent behaviour. He btw is also co-dependent which I think makes it harder for me to see my own tendencies.

Then contact resumed. He apologised he had not been communicative, and invited me to go visit him. I did, but then he had a lot of work on while I was staying with him. So though we had a good time it also felt stressful for both.

So here's the thing, yes he has that back and forth behaviour, but he is not explosive, argumentative or volatile. We had disagreements but it never turned into anything, no raised voices and still a kiss before we went to sleep or in the morning. He is apologetic, sweet and dependable. But I felt, and still feel, vigilant around him, and I was constantly second-guessing myself. I was definitely not as bad as in the r/s with my ex but still. And I noticed it in myself but felt unable, and too scared, to not be that way. He even told me that he noticed my co-dependency and that he doesn't like it.

After I went back home, contact has been weird between us. He was texting as I was leaving, then didn't respond for a few days. I thought that he realised he doesn't feel the same for me anymore. Then all of a sudden likes and comments on social media. Then disappeared again. I wrote him that I am not fine with this back and forth, no response and I didn't write until long after to send him some pics he had asked for. Then he responded. And then not. I have now sent him a msg asking him to simply tell me if he doesn't want contact so that I can have closure, but no response. But he has not unfriended me, or blocked me, or tried to make himself unavailable, which is something he always did with his ex.

I know this is not silent treatment. I was on the receiving end of ST for much of my r/s with my ex. What I think it is, is that he is not responding bc he doesn't have the answer and doesn't know what to say, so he is not ready to say either yes or no. He is avoidant. OK fine that is his thing.

But I feel unable to behave like a normal person would. I have tailored and fine-tuned the msgs I have sent him, since that first misunderstanding, similarly as I would to my ex. So I am far from being authentic. I don't write my msgs to him from the real me, and from a position of what I want or need, but in a goal-oriented manner i.e. to achieve something and to avoid what I fear. Bc I like him I try to write so that he will not reject me, the same method (it never worked) that I used with my ex. Why do I not just call him? The few times I have thought that I should just call him I feel so much stress and anxiety I can hardly breathe.

He has not said I can't call him. In fact he was hurt when I once said I didn't think we could be just friends when he was telling me he was not ready for a r/s yet. What he has done is be back and forth in his communication, sometimes weirdly so, and said he is not ready for a r/s. And I still feel like all hell will break lose if I call him. I feel like I am breaking a rule if I call him. I feel that it would be shameful somehow. I am not even sure where that feeling comes from.

And that also makes me wonder what misperception he might have, reading into things about me, from his part r/s with a pwBPD.

Can anybody relate?

And should I just call him?

[gotbushels]

mitti  

We're here to help and share with each other.  

It seems you're feeling anxious about his intermittent communication. Yes, if you tend to worry about your relationships status--and it may often not seem like a choice--and you don't have clear and predictable communication, then of course some anxiety may built up for you. You're not alone feeling that way.

Can anybody relate?

I appreciate what you're going through. I dated someone who worked a lot and seemed quite distant (not necessarily avoidant). I found myself looking to her for validation and signals that our relationship was progressing. It could be difficult at times trying to attempt to predict what she was thinking. It was a shame and I felt sad because--while she was highly attractive to me--I didn't think we were a good fit relationship-wise for many reasons. So it's OK to feel these ways when you're dating someone that seems to require less sense of assurance from the relationship itself.  

And should I just call him?

I think your answer to this lies in what's driving your want to contact him. A lot of us have been through a relationship with someone with BP traits--so recall the times when you had this want to call your BP ex. What did you do? What worked for you, what didn't work for you, in the context of your learning from the relationship with the BP?

Enjoy your peace.

[once removed]

we use a piece of advice on the Bettering board often: "dont over pursue".

What I think it is, is that he is not responding bc he doesn't have the answer and doesn't know what to say, so he is not ready to say either yes or no. He is avoidant. OK fine that is his thing.
... .
Bc I like him I try to write so that he will not reject me
... .
said he is not ready for a r/s

i think the more you push for closure, or answers, the further back hes likely to pull.

youre fighting between walking on eggshells, and acting on anxiety. its a dead end approach, and one that induces more anxiety.

you can walk the line and take a more casual approach, if you can, see things for what they are: he hasnt rejected you as a person, but this relationship has its limits, and that may or may not change, but it seems like its how things will be for the foreseeable future.

what do you think?

[Mutt]

Hi mitti, 

So here's the thing, yes he has that back and forth behaviour, but he is not explosive, argumentative or volatile. We had disagreements but it never turned into anything, no raised voices and still a kiss before we went to sleep or in the morning.

I think that he has an avoidant attachment style from what you shared with us specifically the push / pull behaviour it sounds like it may of triggered you a bit or made you think about your expwBPD but it’s not the same.

Your attachment style develops in early child hood if you had a parent or guardian that was present and made you feel special then you would grow up with a secure attachment. If your parent or caregiver was avoidant and distant the. You would have an anxious or avoidant attachment style.

If you like this guy and I don’t think that I’d mention attachment styles unless he’s interested in psych, some people don’t care for how things work, I don’t know if he’s like that. I’d read up on attachment styles to understand what is going on so that you can depersonalize his avoidant attachment style. If you’re interested we have an article here:

Understanding Our Attachment Styles in Romantic Relationships

[mitti]

mitti  

We're here to help and share with each other.  

It seems you're feeling anxious about his intermittent communication. Yes, if you tend to worry about your relationships status--and it may often not seem like a choice--and you don't have clear and predictable communication, then of course some anxiety may built up for you. You're not alone feeling that way.
I appreciate what you're going through. I dated someone who worked a lot and seemed quite distant (not necessarily avoidant). I found myself looking to her for validation and signals that our relationship was progressing. It could be difficult at times trying to attempt to predict what she was thinking. It was a shame and I felt sad because--while she was highly attractive to me--I didn't think we were a good fit relationship-wise for many reasons. So it's OK to feel these ways when you're dating someone that seems to require less sense of assurance from the relationship itself.  
I think your answer to this lies in what's driving your want to contact him. A lot of us have been through a relationship with someone with BP traits--so recall the times when you had this want to call your BP ex. What did you do? What worked for you, what didn't work for you, in the context of your learning from the relationship with the BP?

Enjoy your peace.

Hi gotbushels, and thank you so much for your response. So sorry for my delay in getting back with a response, I have been away but I also don't seem to get notifications.

Yes, I am feeling anxious. My r/s with my ex, where I was constantly second-guessing myself, everything I said and everything I did, left me feeling scared to doing anything at all. This was the underlying feeling in me when I went to visit this man, and for no other reason than my feelings for him. It really had little to do with anything he did.

I suppose wanting reassurance of a r/s is only natural. We all want to feel loved and wanted.

With my BP ex nothing really worked, unless he wanted it to. I think he enjoyed seeing me bend over backwards to find a way to fix things with him. The only thing that worked on a couple of occasions was my enforcing my boundaries and walking away from his tantrums. Except for that last time when we broke up for good. But he is a totally different person from this guy. And that is what I want to fix in me, to not react to the past with a man who isn't behaving like my ex. Not sure how to learn/practice this.

Btw, he contacted me. Not a long msg but at least I know now he wants contact.

[mitti]

we use a piece of advice on the Bettering board often: "dont over pursue".

i think the more you push for closure, or answers, the further back hes likely to pull.

youre fighting between walking on eggshells, and acting on anxiety. its a dead end approach, and one that induces more anxiety.

you can walk the line and take a more casual approach, if you can, see things for what they are: he hasnt rejected you as a person, but this relationship has its limits, and that may or may not change, but it seems like its how things will be for the foreseeable future.

what do you think?

Hi once removed, thank you for your input and so sorry for taking time to respond.

Not sure I have really pushed for closure. I even wonder if I perhaps should have done sooner. I have been acting very avoidant myself in doing nothing either for a long time until now. I have just not moved on bc I like him. One other time I confronted him, when he had blocked me. He then responded immediately and explained why he had blocked me. I got angry that time and we didn't then speak for a while. So I don't know. He doesn't respond/act the way my ex did, and I am not used to that, and I am still scared that he will act that way, so I avoid doing anything I did then and instead end up tiptoeing anyway. And then I get tired from analysing it to bits, just like I did then.

Anyway, he has responded, but I still feel I need to learn to not react to the past. I suppose I just don't know what a "normal" r/s is like. It is quite possible he doesn't either.

[mitti]

Hi mitti, 

I think that he has an avoidant attachment style from what you shared with us specifically the push / pull behaviour it sounds like it may of triggered you a bit or made you think about your expwBPD but it’s not the same.

Your attachment style develops in early child hood if you had a parent or guardian that was present and made you feel special then you would grow up with a secure attachment. If your parent or caregiver was avoidant and distant the. You would have an anxious or avoidant attachment style.

If you like this guy and I don’t think that I’d mention attachment styles unless he’s interested in psych, some people don’t care for how things work, I don’t know if he’s like that. I’d read up on attachment styles to understand what is going on so that you can depersonalize his avoidant attachment style. If you’re interested we have an article here:

Understanding Our Attachment Styles in Romantic Relationships

Hi Mutt, I am sorry for taking time to respond. Thank you so much for your input and for the link to the article.

I agree with you about his avoidant attachment style. I also have an avoidant attachment style, how did we ever meet . I read up on attachment theory when I was in T during my r/s with my BP ex. And actually I think this man may be interested in talking about it. He has shared a lot about his past r/s and their dynamic and seems to really want to understand what is behind it.

And yes I think you are right in that I need to depersonalize it. I am letting it make me feel less valuable.

[mitti]

Your attachment style develops in early child hood if you had a parent or guardian that was present and made you feel special then you would grow up with a secure attachment. If your parent or caregiver was avoidant and distant the. You would have an anxious or avoidant attachment style.

Understanding Our Attachment Styles in Romantic Relationships

I read the article and it is slightly different to what I have read before. So from this article I realise that I am a combo of all three. I definitely behave either avoidant or even secure, which I have learnt in CBT. But I feel anxious in that I want a lot of reassurance to feel safe. I just hardly ever ask for it, explicitly or implicitly.