The pervasive thought that everything would be ok if she just came back

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I can't shake it and I don't know why. The truth is that the pain just won't subside, though it has lessened. It does not matter what I tell myself, I miss her terribly.

[crushedagain]

I can't shake it and I don't know why. The truth is that the pain just won't subside, though it has lessened. It does not matter what I tell myself, I miss her terribly.

[JNChell]

crushed, take a breath. A few of them. In and out. Count while taking your breaths. Try to even up the count between the exhales and inhales. You’ll start feeling calmer. When you do, tell yourself the first thing that you smell. Same goes for the first thing that you hear. You have to tell yourself this stuff for it to work. What do you see right now?

I’ve been following your posts lately. I’m sorry that you’re hurting like this. I know what it’s like. I’m still there, just not as deep anymore.

The acute feelings take a while to start becoming more subtle. The acute feelings are the worst. White noise throughout the body. It will ease up. It will. 

[JNChell]

What would you like to talk about?

[crushedagain]

I don't necessarily feel like I need to calm down, I am just unable to shake the memory of her, and it's like my mind is still playing tricks on me or something. I can "logic" the heck out of myself, but it doesn't stop me from thinking of her and missing her. Meanwhile, I am positive she's probably in a new relationship right now, doing fine. After all, it's been over a year.

I know she's not the right partner for me. I know there may be somebody better out there. But I am for some reason stuck in this living hell for lack of a better term. It does not help that I am suffering from an autoimmune disease now, too. That has somehow magnified things. My whole world seems to have gone to crap, quite frankly. I am not looking for sympathy, just sharing what's going on.

Thanks for listening.

[Al Kaseltzer]

i couldnt agree more crushed... .i feel the same way, and it sucks.  i want it back so badly, and i agree with you that there probably is someone else better out there for me and you, but its just irrelevant.  i feel like i am stuck, and even when i think i can see the light every few days, something triggers me and im back at square one. 

i feel like i have used up all of the allotted time to talk about her/be depressed/vent to any friends or family that i felt comfortable talking to about this and im just left having to be silent about it now. enough time has passed that im starting to hear that i need to just get over it when i bring it up, and its going to make me snap.  just writing this helps though.

[Darkstar321]

I feel the same way and it's been over a year, a year and 4 months to be exact. I have no advice as I am in the same place as you. I would just like to give you a hug* Hopefully one day it will not be like this for me as all I seem to do is think about her and all the what ifs and if she would just return so all my pain could go away. I too feel stuck and it sucks.

[Lucky Jim]

I know she's not the right partner for me. I know there may be somebody better out there. But I am for some reason stuck in this living hell for lack of a better term.

Hey crushed again, The head and the heart operate independently, my friend.  Even though you know she's not right for you, your heart has yet to heal.  That's OK and part of the process.  You're doing the right thing by posting here about it.  I suggest focusing more on nurturing yourself, in order to get out of the painful limbo.  How to nurture?  You know best the activities that make you feel lighter and more like yourself.  Suggest you strive to be authentic and pursue things that you find meaningful.

LJ

[Mutt]

Hi crushedagain,

How are you feeling today?

[crushedagain]

I thank you all for the replies. Things aren't much different lately, I've been missing her something fierce. I was thinking about it and the reality is that I spent tens of thousands of hours with this woman, more than any previous relationship.

She was with me all the time, every day. I didn't ask her to be, she essentially came into my life and was the one who pushed to move in with me. I never asked her to, and at first was somewhat hesitant. That was probably my first red flag actually, when she essentially decided it was best if we started living together since we were seeing each other so often and it would lessen her driving.

I stupidly loved her more than I even knew. I just can't believe what she did to me. I am not perfect, but I was good to her. I really was. The only answer as to why this all happened is the disorder.

[Luan]

I empathise with you Crushed,

This is my overwhelming feeling too. We have worked out where things went wrong, and would like the chance to show that. But it's not easy to hold a slippery fish. By reading all the stories on here, it is obvious that even with therapy, new threats will always appear.

Because you were close to them, you get to feel their pain. Then they diminish your feelings out of shame/unawareness, then avoid the consequences.

I have been more fortunate than many stories on here. Make no mistake, I was in love, and still am. But I was only together for 4 months, didnt live together, knew something wasnt right and have a strong direction in life. I realise I had done many things right, including letting go (hard as it was) when I finally realised she was seeing her ex. I have had recent opportunity to meet and talk, which has changed my outlook. I told her I need trust between us if we are to have any connection, and that we could take a journey of healing together. She is undiagnosed, though knows she has some mental health issue. I told her there are many tools and therapies but without having trust I can't say more. It ends up being a catch-22, no trust, no therapy, and vice versa.

I would not want to be in a relationship with someone who was not trying to improve their situation. So, if she does come back, it will be to make the effort.

The last text she sent before again blocking me was... .

"I know you have your own reasons for wanting to tell me things that you think might help, but I would find the very act of talking hard, no matter the content. I'm going back to blocking you now, just to earn myself some peace."

Who am I to judge her delusions, or she mine? I see her going around in circles, making the same mistakes, hurting those who could help, triangulating, wearing the mask, being promiscuous, and I just have to let go.

This is my only advice Crushed, let go. Find your centre. Imagine yourself weighing the two possibilities in each hand, imagining the worst and best scenario, and try to detach from either outcome. She might leave, she might come back. I can only control my response. In this way you will start to face your fears. And your fears will not control you. You will be a better ally to yourself. It was a joy to be with this person, and it is a joy to be apart. I am sure you (and her) have learnt so much.

And what I have discovered in the act of letting go is that you create room for something unexpected to happen. You become open to a possibility that would not have otherwise existed. It might not match either of the possibilities that you held in your hand. Something is waiting to resolve itself inside you, and you holding on resists that resolution. I know is is comforting to hold on to a possibility, I have done it before, and I'll do it again.

The exquisite pain is all we have left of that person, and we are very reluctant to give that up, for then we have to let go of blame, love, hope, desire etc.

But I promise you, if you practice this daily, maybe assisted by exercise, yoga, anything that centres you, you will have room for something unexpected... .

And every now and then, that can even be the return of the person we have had to let go of. I hope this helps.

Peace to you. Luan

[Cromwell]

How much validity exists in this thought?

A lot in my case. I have little doubt to think everything would be Ok if she came back. Thats not really the crux of the problem thought.

The problem is "how long for"?

On average, a few weeks of everything be ok until it turns into, not very ok at all.

These thoughts are fine, but in terms of putting actions on to them, is to look back on experience and weigh up is it worth the emotional stress that brought you to seeking out emotional support in the first place.

No one can crystal ball forecast the future, but its not a chance I would take. Its possible everything would be ok - its possible everything would be ok and remain that way. Its possible that she could return and "life would be but a dream"

but thats all it is, dreaming, wishing, hoping.

it would probably be ok - most likely even "good" for awhile.

Even though the two are linked, emotions and rational thought - my going back each time had always the emotional impetus behind it and ultimately what ended up getting in trouble each time. Like occassionally returning each time to drive down a dead end street after long before knowing it leads to nowhere.

[Coastered]

The exquisite pain is all we have left of that person, and we are very reluctant to give that up, for then we have to let go of blame, love, hope, desire etc.

I believe you have something here...  If we are feeling down, sad, longing or wishing, then a little of "them" still remains with us, in a way we still have "them" in our heart.  If we let go of that we are scared that everything else will be lost - it's really finally over.

It is indeed time to let go of the pain and the 'hopeless' hope.  They are toxic, always will be toxic and nothing will ever change them, our wishing alone will not do it.  Yes, they can get DBT or 'help' but realistically will they?  Will they finally own it?  It's doubtful.

If you let go, then something has space to fill that void and believe me, someone, somewhere, who can love you as you deserve is waiting for you.

Let them in...

[Luan]

I struggled (still do) with the idea that nothing will ever change them Coastered. I would like her (exuBPD) to get therapy, but she would need to trust me in order for me to have that conversation. It is a vicious circle, and as it stands. All power to you.