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Author Topic: You're not 'good' for me → let's break up; troubleshooting.  (Read 661 times)
gotbushels
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« on: January 27, 2019, 11:52:09 AM »

A common no-win game I had in my relationship was this:

  • BP: You cheated on me.
  • Non: No I didn't.
           (6 hours later)
  • BP: You cheated on me.
  • Non: No I didn't.
  • BP: You never take my side.
  • BP: I knew you weren't good for me.
  • BP: Let's break up.

What does that mean, what does it mean for the non, how do I make this situation better?




What does this mean?  
BP: You cheated on me.
↑Something triggered the BP, she's going into feelings-make-facts.

Non: No I didn't.
↑Basic JADE.

(6 hours later)
↑The cost of JADE-ing.

BP: You cheated on me.
↑Groundhog day.

Non: No I didn't.
↑Basic JADE.

BP: You never take my side.
↑Feelings create facts. Probably beginning the splitting defense. It's not that you never take her side (overgeneralisation), it's that you're disagreeing with her (you've been doing it for 6 hours, and recall the short term is often the BP's life). She's being challenged on the psychological level for a long time. It's too much for her, and she has gone to the escape reaction--a 'comfortable' conditioned breakup reaction. She attacks you. She tries victimhood.

BP: I knew you weren't good for me.
↑"Good for me" to many people (especially those sensitive and empathic enough to spend a lot of time in other peoples' shoes, e.g., naughty caretakers) means you are good for their life in total. To the BP in this moment, it means you aren't allowing her aggression to have it's day and make feelings into facts. This pain session of 6 hours doesn't feel good to her. You won't say you cheated (the fact she's trying to create) after all, you didn't cheat.

BP: Let's break up.




What does it mean for the non?
We know very well here that all the BP's sentences can somehow merge into one and she seems to never get short of breath or energy to keep dysregulating. Let's use the board's advantage of freezing the dialogue--let's see just how little of it is your fault.

BP: You cheated on me.
↑Fault depends on the cause. If this came out of nowhere, then you didn't cause it, it's not your fault, it's the BP's BPD.

Non: No I didn't.
↑JADE is a common human response. We almost all do it.

(6 hours later)
↑If you only know how to JADE, you don't know how to validate, and this happens to you, then this isn't your fault. You may pity yourself here for not knowing at that time.

BP: You cheated on me.
Non: No I didn't.
BP: You never take my side.
↑Her mental overgeneralisation preexisted you, therefore isn't your fault.

I write about the next three lines in the context of psychological defense mechanisms and psychological homeostasis.

BP: I knew you weren't good for me.
↑Her splitting preexisted you, therefore isn't your fault.

BP: Let's break up.
↑Her BPD relationship termination reaction preexisted you, therefore isn't your fault.

It's thought that the dysfunctional parts of the BP are seeking a complementary object in order to allow her BPD behaviours to persist, thereby allowing her to have less psychological pain. Therefore, can look at this vignette as an unconscious refusal by you to be the complementary counterparty to the BP. After all, how can you admit to cheating when you didn't cheat?

Moreover, it's thought that when BPD behaviours change to healthier alternative behaviours, then that's a good thing. Therefore, you are indeed "good" for the BP. That's consistent with Masterson's ideas that better partners for those with fragmented selves are those that challenge the fragmented self into change, rather than allow persistence of the fragmented self.
Excerpt
[If] a patient relates that the new relationship is fun and exciting, but also causes a lot of anxiety, I know the new partner is more appropriate and better for the patient in the long run because he is challenging the patient’s old defenses and stimulating the patient to relate in terms of the real self.

That said, I would encourage the detached non to avoid seeing themselves as "ah ha, I am the antidote", but see that "[a]nxiety is present because borderline and narcissistic personalities cannot relate on a realistic level" to others. Therefore, you didn't get along because you weren't made up like the BP, so take that better health you have going for you and use it to grow forward.

Hopefully that will open the door for you to see that a lot was not your fault. Then you can exercise that self-compassion, you can work through the issues, you can learn from the mistakes.  




How do I make this situation better?
Since you're on detaching, then you can make yourself better. What does that mean?--it means you can see the BPD preexisted you--despite your involvement--accept your lack of omnipotence, and see that you can't cure her BPD (10 years is sometimes a price tag for with-treatment cases). Seeing that alleviates you of guilt you may feel for her BPD--you didn't cause it, it's not your job to fix it. Seeing that gives you the climate to forgive the situation and go forward.

In the short term, now you know what JADE is, you can see what works better for you. If you have the blessing of detachment from the BP, then you can take those better habits into your future relationships, thereby enhancing your relational life and that of healthier partners.

In the long term, you can take this psychological space created and have patience with yourself enough to understand why you truly tolerated that relationship. If you have been blessed with the understanding that 2 people make the relationship, here's some space for you to go forward to see that you aren't responsible for the whole. Have that self-compassion to search for yourself, instead of searching for the BP, on behalf of the BP, or anyone else. If you discover you like attractive aggressive skinny girls, or aggressive manly muscular men, or try to be the parent you never had, fine--own it and go forward.  

Good luck, and enjoy your recovery and peace.


I was inspired to post this based on Re: What to look for in a new partner.
« Last Edit: January 27, 2019, 05:44:27 PM by once removed, Reason: moved from Detaching to Learning » Logged
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« Reply #1 on: January 28, 2019, 12:17:27 AM »

Excerpt
borderline and narcissistic personalities cannot relate on a realistic level

Speaking of overgeneralizations 

Excerpt
If you discover you like attractive aggressive skinny girls, or aggressive manly muscular men

Are all BPD's like that? man, now I wish I had it, would look great in a swimsuit 

Anyway  sorry about the jab .

Excerpt
That's consistent with Masterson's ideas that better partners for those with fragmented selves are those that challenge the fragmented self into change, rather than allow persistence of the fragmented self.

The problem I see with this approach is that:
  • 1) you can challenge but you cannot change, so an "unresponsive" partner that sees the challenge as an aggression is unlikely to benefit from it
  • 2) when the challenge is rejected, we (royal we, I'm talking about my own experience here) feel like we failed in our role as "agents of change and improvement"
  • 3) even if long term she could benefit, long term she could also end the relationship and keep doing what she does in a (string of) new "failed" relationship(s).

Sounds like a no-win situation anyway right? even if we're good partners, there's no guarantee of change.

Now in terms of troubleshooting the "-> lets break up" part:

Excerpt
Something triggered the BP, she's going into feelings-make-facts
Excerpt
It's thought that the dysfunctional parts of the BP are seeking a complementary object in order to allow her BPD behaviours to persist, thereby allowing her to have less psychological pain
Excerpt
a patient relates that the new relationship is fun and exciting

I have been thinking about this for a while now, let's see if I can coalesce my thoughts on it into a "case":

If negative emotion can be triggered, leading to splitting, could positive emotion also trigger a reversal?

Specifically, we note that pwBPD are particularly good about ignoring flaws in new partners and just as good in finding flaws in current ones; the situation is reversed when the same person is "recycled", the "old partner" is now a "perfect" person, and nothing can convince them otherwise.

In other words: we are good for them at that moment.

What triggers this?

In the cases I've heard (again, I'm no peer-reviewed researcher) when the previous relationship "fails" they seek comfort/validation and an ego boost from the outside, and when the new person delivers it they attach quite quickly.

Key fact is, the new person does provide the happiness/pleasure they seek.

Partners often complain that they (we) could provide it just as well if we hadn't just been split black: we love them, we want the best for them, they just won't have it.

Then why can't we deliver what they get from the other person? They don't let us obviously, but why not?

My "intuition" is that there could be a way to trigger that same "feel good" state in them: they are very sensitive people, we "triggered" that positive state when we first entered the relationship, and for those of us that have been "recycled", done it multiple times after breaking up, so whats different?

What's the "magic" that sparks the relationship (back) into life?

Please don't think I am considering pwBPD as "emotion driven machines in a human suit". I know they are people with lives and histories with their own thoughts and preferences.

When dealing with complex issues, its easier for me to "abstract out" the details and see if there's a "simplified problem" underneath that could be solved. makes sense?

Anyway, thoughts?
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gotbushels
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« Reply #2 on: January 28, 2019, 09:02:16 AM »

Speaking of overgeneralizations  
Lmao well spotted. I think Masterson was trying to work from a structure of normality and pathology; false self, and real self--and as a consequence he had to have quite distinguishing language between those two groups. Anyway I think he has noticeable compassion or admiration for the 'false self' set and it comes across in the chapters where he covers some case studies.

Anyway  sorry about the jab  Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post).
Hey no worries- yes more humour please.     If humour often has grains of truth, then let's have more humorous views and perspectives.  

1) you can challenge but you cannot change, so an "unresponsive" partner that sees the challenge as an aggression is unlikely to benefit from it
Yes, you're right. If the BP doesn't change, then they will probably continue the given behaviour. For the non, the benefit is in knowing that he or she created a conflict in the BP's employment of an ego defence, which still could be a good sign that the incompatibility is good thing.

2) when the challenge is rejected, we (royal we, I'm talking about my own experience here) feel like we failed in our role as "agents of change and improvement"
Yes, if the non has set out to change the BP on that course, and the BP doesn't change, of course the non may feel failure on that course. I think that may then humble us to return to the position of the lighthouse rather than wading out into the water to steer the BP's boat.  

3) even if long term she could benefit, long term she could also end the relationship and keep doing what she does in a (string of) new "failed" relationship(s).
Surely! If the challenge on the BP's psyche is too great, then the worsened behaviour may surely propel the BP to terminate the relationship.

I don't think it's about saying "hey, you JADE-d the BP, and that's a good thing". I was giving some reasons to show that if there was that conflict against the BP's behaviours, the incompatibility itself can be a source of hope for the detached non. Of course, if the non wanted to look toward relationship continuity, then they could use things other than JADE.    In fact, I would highly encourage using things other than JADE if seeking continuity.

Sounds like a no-win situation anyway right? even if we're good partners, there's no guarantee of change.
Again, yes and yes. JADEing is a sure way to make a lose-lose, on almost any term of time. Even if you're a fantastic partner, there's no guarantee of change. We may wish the BP will change, and that's OK, but how the BP chooses to act is always up to the BP.




Then why can't we deliver what they get from the other person? They don't let us obviously, but why not?
Hmm good questions. My first thought is that the BPD's behaviours are built in to them. "[P]attern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships" is a set of behaviours. I think this is where a T would come in to unwind what is causing this particular symptom, and work toward changing those causes. I didn't go so far into how treatment plans are set out, so maybe someone else can come in on this one.

Anyway, I suspect the issue isn't as simple as that. But let's try considering it in a simple way using this member's 'poles' ideas about object relations.
[... .] acting out behaviors are due to Borderline splitting people (including themselves) into two part time halves-(not whole) with rewarding and withdrawing identities at either pole (that’s the either/or splitting) These either/or identities are at odds within each and every person the Borderline sees as well as in what they see in themselves.
In an object relations context; when you're idealised--giving them the "feel good" as you put it--then you represent the rewarding 'pole'. When you trigger the BP "feel bad", then you represent the withdrawing 'pole'. According to the thinking around this, the BP has some complex issues preventing fusion of both objects into one person, thereby causing a need for the third image representing a third party. I.e., homeostasis of the BPD is always a set of three like BPD+withdrawing unit+rewarding unit. But this doesn't utterly exclude a BP from having a single mutually exclusive relationship (seems to be something you're seeking), but it does explain why it's very difficult for them to do so.

When dealing with complex issues, its easier for me to "abstract out" the details and see if there's a "simplified problem" underneath that could be solved. makes sense?
I think the object relations way of looking at it may make a lot of sense to you because it seems to simplify the structure of what the BPD mind looks like.

I'm not a practitioner or peer-reviewed researcher btw  , so I encourage you to pursue your own research if you find something that seems to be a match for your situation.




What's the "magic" that sparks the relationship (back) into life?
I didn't answer this by the way. It's a good pursuit.  
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« Reply #3 on: January 28, 2019, 09:51:47 AM »

Yes, if the non has set out to change the BP on that course, and the BP doesn't change, of course the non may feel failure on that course. I think that may then humble us to return to the position of the lighthouse rather than wading out into the water to steer the BP's boat.  

Hmm good questions. My first thought is that the BPD's behaviours are built in to them. "[P]attern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships" is a set of behaviours.

Excellent. We nons have to come to a point of acceptance, IMHO. I take comfort in the Al-Anon saying: "I didn't cause it. I can't control it. I can't cure it."

Am I a bit messed up myself? Yes, but I'm not vindictive and unstable. I haven't repeatedly thrown our relationship into the trash can and then come back to try again, only to do it again. At this point, I can't even count the number of discards. It's hard on me and on our young adults.

Mine recently tried yet again to reconnect. He claims to have reformed, but there are some red flags to me. I refused. Even if we did, it would be months before I'd truly know if he had reformed and doing that would require a relocation on my part because he won't come here. If he came here, I have the resources backing me up and supporting me if it all went down yet again. But he'll never agree to that because he has to be in charge. And his family is deeply involved in an unhealthy way. That would have to end too.
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« Reply #4 on: January 28, 2019, 12:02:37 PM »

this is a hypothetical. i dont think any of these things 

once removed: gotbushels, you are a no good, lousy, rotten jerk, and everything is your fault, including my headache. apologize.

some version of this has probably happened to you. you may have done it yourself.

Excerpt
you don't know how to validate

dont use validation when someone makes false allegations or comes at you swinging. its condescending. it can validate the invalid. youre not the reason for my headache. you dont want to suggest you can see how that might feel like the case if you dont. but if you start in with "wait a minute, i didnt cause your headache", youre essentially choosing that argument.

obviously, dont come back at them swinging either, that will make things worse.

youd be better served first realizing that im in a mood and coming at you swinging. then i would think youd want to know why and whats up. in order to do that, you have to ask, and then listen. pivot with a mature response.

Excerpt
BP: You never take my side.
↑Feelings create facts. Probably beginning the splitting defense.

or maybe this is what its really about.

a person in a flooded state is going to throw the kitchen sink, but there is usually an underlying reason why they are angry at you.

ever had a person be passive aggressive toward you? mutter snarky comments under their breath baiting you into a fight? its not about the comments theyre making in that moment. its about the reason theyre mad at you in the first place. theyre so mad about that, that theyre mad about everything youve done in the last x months and a flooded person will not articulate or go about communicating it well. if you ask "where is all this coming from", more often than not, youll eventually get an answer.

maybe responding to "you cheated on me" with "no i didnt" (instead of "what made you think that?") isnt listening, its shutting down.

maybe "you never take my side" means "you never listen".

Excerpt
BP: I knew you weren't good for me.
↑Her splitting preexisted you, therefore isn't your fault.
trying badly to be heard.

Excerpt
BP: Let's break up.
↑Her BPD relationship termination reaction preexisted you, therefore isn't your fault.
trying (badly) even harder to be heard.

Excerpt
see that "[a]nxiety is present because borderline and narcissistic personalities

are easily flooded, highly sensitive to rejection, invalidation, criticism, lack relationship skills, struggle to communicate all of that reasonably or effectively, and if you are dealing with a highly sensitive and flooded person or in a relationship with one (your choice), there are certain practical dos and donts.
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« Reply #5 on: January 28, 2019, 04:53:37 PM »

Excerpt
a person in a flooded state is going to throw the kitchen sink, but there is usually an underlying reason why they are angry at you.

Its true, just like jokes with a kernel of truth, there is an underlying cause to their anger. A little thing compounded on another little thing makes the next little thing seem like a big deal.

I've seen it even with the "nons" posting here looking for advice, its human nature apparently.

Unfortunately we don't see it in ourselves, only after posting here did I realize I was pushing my gf, she did give me a few hidden chances to realize I was messing up, but I needed some space and I didn't communicate it effectively, so she thought I was abandoning her, which she also didn't communicate effectively (except one time, and we did resolve the issue and were very happy with each other for a while after)

So the little thing, needing space for three days, precipitated a breakup.

Excerpt
According to the thinking around this, the BP has some complex issues preventing fusion of both


Sometimes a wound needs specialized medical attention to heal (fusion of good and bad in their view of others) but that doesn't mean we can't apply a tourniquet and a bandage while qualified help and time do their thing. I'm looking for the "bandaging protocol" here so to speak.

I'm interested in the disparity of going from
(Notation: + is easier, | | is a wall, = is neutral/time based)

good - + --> bad - = --> neutral - + --> good

Instead of
good - + --> bad - | | -> good

This does not mean "bad = breakup", maybe just anger or sulking. Married couples go for years through the cycle.

New relationships obviously start neutral, in recycling time is a factor in trying to reconnect, but I've seen it happen after a crisis/loneliness, sort of consistent with the "poles" interpretation, but other times they don't want a relationship with anyone, understandable only in terms of the "pole" being attached to a non-human object like work (its been mentioned that many BPDs are very competent and engaged with their work, even workaholics) or a pet (my gf said horses helped calm her down even from a young age, it was also her job, focusing on them helped her keep intrusive thoughts about herself at bay).

In this "interpretation" the "bad" state is the most stable, but the good is "metastable", as in it can stay there for a long time until pushed. The "good" is quickly replaced, but the "bad" is not abandoned when a new one comes around, only when its the only/closest substitute candidate for "good" status.

So, it could be a case of "simply forgetting" but I don't think it is, many people mention being held "accountable" for past issues when "going bad again", so memory is either suppressed or ignored when entering the "good" state

Meaning past history (or lack thereof) is not the primary factor in entering attachment.

The attached "calm" partner is more amenable to change, I saw that with my gf, and its been always suggested to wait for them to be back to baseline before suggesting a change plan

Ok this has gone long enough for now, I'd like to hear your thoughts on this so far
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gotbushels
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« Reply #6 on: January 30, 2019, 09:14:56 AM »

I haven't repeatedly thrown our relationship into the trash can and then come back to try again, only to do it again. At this point, I can't even count the number of discards.
I get you MeandThee29--she told me she threw her engagement ring (read relationship) in the trash can  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post). Me too, I broke up several dozen times with my ex.




once removed   Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

dont use validation when someone makes false allegations or comes at you swinging.
Yes, how and when to validate is hard to do. For example I would rather not validate by acknowledging "it seems you're upset" with a person behaving aggressively like that. Neither would you catch me saying "of course I'm a lousy rotten jerk" (e.g., for not cleaning the dog's mess up). That would be basically giving a cookie (validation) for something you want to see less of in a partner (labelling, angry reactions, etc.). Right on with the don't validate the invalid.

in order to do that, you have to ask, and then listen.
Yes again. Of course asking with the intent to understand is validating. Asking to find reasons to defend yourself can be invalidating. Your partner may sense the JADE coming and get even more riled up or dysregulated. While it seems theoretical here and easy peasy, your bringing up asking and listening--I think it's important to people in the relationship so I'll embellish the point.

I'll share that trying to "question down" my BP ex when she flew at me about doubting my fidelity--that was incredibly difficult for me. Because I placed (I still do) such a high premium on fidelity, of course I took that kind of attack very personally. It's very hard to caretake when you're attacked like that. So this validates for members that validation as a skill can sometimes be very difficult--and I think that's OK. It's okay to make mistakes, just keep trying and if done accurately--it often works well.   

ever had a person be passive aggressive toward you? mutter snarky comments under their breath baiting you into a fight?
Yes, discovering a reason and working using that can be very effective. In addition to asking and understanding--something that nons can do is to disengage or maintain a boundary. Regarding baiting a fight or making snarky comments--they may also be trying to get you to listen or validate something for them. It may not be your role to give an unending supply of validation to someone. Examples include an SO that continually disrupts your employment or a validation-siphoning parent. So yes, getting an answer--as you said--is one good way to arrive at a resolution to the situation.

are easily flooded, [... .]
What you brought up here is very important context to recall in these issues with a BP--you put it great--I agree with them.




itsmeSnap   Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

A little thing compounded on another little thing makes the next little thing seem like a big deal.
[... .]
I've seen it even with the "nons" posting here looking for advice, its human nature apparently.
I'm not sure if you're being rhetorical here.    I think you can attribute more certainty to this. For a human, if a problem they're dealing with compounds, then they may do a lot of things like lose patience, get frustrated, and get stressed.

Unfortunately we don't see it in ourselves [... .]
I'd like to offer another way to view this. Btw I'm not finding an excuse for nons   . It could be that your frustration tolerance is much higher than the BP's. That's consistent with what once removed said regarding the easily flooded disposition and other qualities of a given BP. It could be that your trigger points are naturally different. It could be that your return to your baseline emotions are faster. So you could indeed feel the pain when problems compound--it's just that your body handles them differently.

I'm interested in the disparity of going from
(Notation: + is easier, | | is a wall, = is neutral/time based)

good - + --> bad - = --> neutral - + --> good

Instead of
good - + --> bad - | | -> good
Unfortunately, I don't know what you were getting at here rofl.   
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« Reply #7 on: January 30, 2019, 11:53:44 AM »

I took that kind of attack very personally. It's very hard to caretake when you're attacked like that

it is. i had a very jealous, and intrusive ex. it was exhausting, it made me feel smothered and possessed, and it was unattractive. i couldnt do it.

but i persisted, i usually handled it badly, and at a point, i even gave her good reason ("validated") for her jealousy. lessons learned 
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« Reply #8 on: January 30, 2019, 03:52:40 PM »

Excerpt
I'm not sure if you're being rhetorical here

Not rhetorical   I do mean people make big deals out of little things.

Its about the "straw that broke the camel's back", like " he doesn't do the dishes, he thinks I'm his maid, therefore he doesn't care about me, he is evil and I hate him for not doing the dishes".

My point is we let problems compound and get bigger because they're not resolved, PD or not.

Excerpt
I'd like to offer another way to view this
Excerpt
It could be that your trigger points are naturally different. It could be that your return to your baseline emotions are faster. So you could indeed feel the pain when problems compound--it's just that your body handles them differently

All true points. Severity aside, its the fact that problems remain unresolved that make us nons resentful, hold grudges and get desperate for change even when we stay while BPDs often "blow up", and yet we have a hard time recognizing our own role in the matter (not communicating, jading, invalidating, letting ourselves be pushedover, etc)

Excerpt
Unfortunately, I don't know what you were getting at here rofl

I went straight from "why does this happen" to "how do I fix it"

I guess were not there yet 

Excerpt
i even gave her good reason ("validated") for her jealousy. lessons learned  Smiling (click to insert in post)

My gf's ex cheated on her out of spite, "you think I'm cheating? Well now I have!" and went into horrifying graphic details on how it happened, she was crying so loud police was called as they thought she was being beaten (I guess emotionally she was)

I see your story and wonder if it was the same with him, her incessant accusations that drove him over the edge.
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« Reply #9 on: January 31, 2019, 08:51:56 AM »

it is. i had a very jealous, and intrusive ex. it was exhausting, it made me feel smothered and possessed, and it was unattractive. i couldnt do it.
Mmm I get you. Good times.     The other side of the jealousy thing was that looking back, I did feel partially good having this person be so wanting. I think the thinking was that this person must be "so very scared" to lose a relationship with me, so I must be "so very valuable" to her. I think that's what it was like early in the relationship--of course after some time things really got out of hand that those memories feel 90% unpleasant. If I combine that kind of idealisation with a belief like "I cannot find happiness without being loved by another person"--that's complementary emotional immaturity.  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post)  




[... .] she was crying so loud police was called as they thought she was being beaten (I guess emotionally she was)
Wow that's an awful thing for him to do to her. I guess this is what it means when the non starts losing their sense of basic goodness. Perhaps we don't know the whole story though- these kinds of things are often much more complicated than it seems.

Me too--my ex told me one of her ex's sexually assaulted her. I remember feeling really angry at him. She also told me several similar stories about her ex's. Looking back, when I assumed she was truthful, those stories probably had a huge appeal to my inner rescuer. She really was very good at inciting feelings of indignation to draw me in. Interesting.


I guess were not there yet 
 don't give up so soon. Can you identify what you want from that dialogue?
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« Reply #10 on: February 02, 2019, 01:43:41 PM »

gotbushels,  Welcome new member (click to insert in post)  I appreciate this post because I was blamed for the reasons why our relationship did not work.  My anger according to him was the reason he would discard me. 

What I get from your post is validation that I am not 100% responsible for the relationship break down.  I need that validation as much as I can right now as I am still in the process of detaching.  I appreciate the validation.

Thank you.

Tsultan
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« Reply #11 on: February 03, 2019, 10:45:00 PM »

My ex telegraphed to me rim the beginning that I was going to carry on her (as her dad was a serial cheater, and she even caught him in bed with another woman when she was 6). I felt my honor and values attacked. But I didn't JADE. Thus it threw me for a loop when she cheated, despite years of her telling me. "If you cheat or beat, we're done!"

My takeaway from this is that I need to be myself,  and accept that she is herself,  and I'm not responsible for whatever choices she chooses to make as an independent entity. 
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