No Contact or Silent Treatment?

[Harlygirl]

Silent treatment is  a way the pwBPD abuses the Non... .by denying the Non's very existence... .in an attempt to regain control over a situation that has triggered core pain for the pwBPD in the relationship. Does anyone see the irony in this... .that we who have been abused this way by the pwBPD... .are... .in essence... .inflicting the same upon the pw BPD?    Am a little disoriented... .  I feel like I am Alice looking into the Looking Glass... .Am I throwing stones at a glass house?

[Blimblam]

A lot if this has to do how it came about and the intention.  A lot of self abuse goes on in these relationships on both sides and it is often acted out through projective identification

[Infern0]

It's an odd dynamic.

She devalued me

I abandoned

She denied my existence

I went nc

She reaches out

She reidealizes

[drummerboy]

You've got to wonder if they have any idea how infantile their actions are. In so many ways they are petulant little children. Adults are able to express their emotions.

[Infern0]

You've got to wonder if they have any idea how infantile their actions are. In so many ways they are petulant little children. Adults are able to express their emotions.

Well they have stunted emotional growth so on that score they are children.

They have zero emotional control and barely any ability to recognize the effect that their actions have on others.  They have been taught by society HOW to act but don't really understand why. And when they get triggered,  their actions are like that of children.

It's hard for us nons to process that,  but if you examine it,  yeah it's childlike behaviour.  Sulking,  silent treatment,  acting out.

In the case of mine she actually embarrassed herself in front of others in her attempts to hurt me. She made herself look utterly ridiculous.  And she is utterly ridiculous.

[Blimblam]

You've got to wonder if they have any idea how infantile their actions are. In so many ways they are petulant little children. Adults are able to express their emotions.

Well they have stunted emotional growth so on that score they are children.

They have zero emotional control and barely any ability to recognize the effect that their actions have on others.  They have been taught by society HOW to act but don't really understand why. And when they get triggered,  their actions are like that of children.

It's hard for us nons to process that,  but if you examine it,  yeah it's childlike behaviour.  Sulking,  silent treatment,  acting out.

In the case of mine she actually embarrassed herself in front of others in her attempts to hurt me. She made herself look utterly ridiculous.  And she is utterly ridiculous.

You got lucky then. 

My last borderline ex was the master gaslighter.  It could have been worst.

[hurting300]

No contact happens after the breakup. When they tell you (we're over) it is not silent treatment... Now, silent treatment is just that, SILENCE. Nothing is said... they just disappear. That is the difference between no contact and silent treatment.

[Duped11years]

Does anyone see the irony in this... .that we who have been abused this way by the pwBPD... .are... .in essence... .inflicting the same upon the pw BPD?    Am a little disoriented... .  I feel like I am Alice looking into the Looking Glass... .Am I throwing stones at a glass house?

That goes through my mind all the time... .im the one that finally ended it after one of her crazy-making episodes and I told her Im done & went NC. In the past, i was always the one to reach out after a day, two tops, yet here we are at two weeks. I keep thinking "who's the BPD here? I painted her black and went NC".  I did it, of course, because I couldnt take the insanity anymore, but here I am pulling off many of the classic traits I read about here.

[Deeno02]

Day 12 NC. I month since b/u. So far so good. Neither has reached out. Scared though.

[hurting300]

Their is nothing wrong trying to get away from abuse. Tell them it's over and leave. Nothing BPD about that.

[Skip]

Absolutely.  We (as a group) do a lot of the very things that have hurt us.  

The idea of No Contact gets twisted by some - not saying maliciously.

It one thing to stop contacting the other party.  Say goodbye, answer any questions at the time, and go silent for 6-12 weeks and then be limited to holiday greeting, family news, etc.  Most therapist and ministers support this.

It's another thing to go silent on someone trying to sincerely reach you.  While we don't want to open the door for harassment or abuse, often low levels of contact are easier on everyone.

[Recooperating]

Does anyone see the irony in this... .that we who have been abused this way by the pwBPD... .are... .in essence... .inflicting the same upon the pw BPD?    Am a little disoriented... .  I feel like I am Alice looking into the Looking Glass... .Am I throwing stones at a glass house?

That goes through my mind all the time... .im the one that finally ended it after one of her crazy-making episodes and I told her Im done & went NC. In the past, i was always the one to reach out after a day, two tops, yet here we are at two weeks. I keep thinking "who's the BPD here? I painted her black and went NC".  I did it, of course, because I couldnt take the insanity anymore, but here I am pulling off many of the classic traits I read about here.

Asked myself the same exact thing! He broke up with me this time, I just said OK and dissapeared... .Total NC! I've asked myself am I the BPD here? He was diagnosed, but then came with some lame story his T said he wasnt after 3 months of T. He was trying to triangulate me and his T always. Also said his T thought I was the one with BPD. Anyway when I think about me being BPD I always remind myself about my rs before this. Break ups were mature and we are still on speaking terms. I have at least 3 friendship that are longterm, 14+ years and I have had longterm employments. Never had addictions, suicidal thoughts, good impuls control... .I was sucked into his world, i tried to make sense of crazy, this rs drove me mad (i let it drive me mad). NC is the only way to get myself and my sanity back (minus the codep. traits )

Nothing wrong with taking care of yourself! NC is a must.

[Deeno02]

Recooperating,

Im still new to all this. Its only been 12-13 days of NC for me as she has already moved on with another dude day after dumping me a month ago. Recycling is my biggest fear and Im always planning on what to do. Am I just nuts? Or should I have a plan handy. Im praying Im forgotten about, but as I was the first guy(rebound from her divorce) to be with her, Im scared Im always going to be a fall back target. Whats a good plan to have since there will be some interaction as she coaches my sons VB team?

[bunnysc]

^ Well these days I've been thinking If I am the one with BPD gosh its just a mess everything. About recycling, it really scks. I've stayed NC but her coming back texting me as if nothing happened really made things worse and to be honest it takes just so much strength AND ENERGY staying NC. I know the feeling of going back and the results, its just a nightmare... But I still love her   

[Recooperating]

Hi Deeno,

Terrible thought that you will have to see her at some point! It would give me anxiety too!

How long till the first match? Is there time to detach more?

I have recycled more times then I can remember (even after 10 years not seeing each other!) but it never brought me anything. I wouldnt recommend it.

I would be glad to give you advice, but I have no experience with this situation since my ex lives in another country. Ill never just run in to him. I know there are people on this boards that work with their exes. Might be a good question for a new thread! They have experience with dealing with these encounters.

My best advice would be a "hi-bye" scenario. Do not engage in any conversation, just politely say hi and ignore her. If there are matters she wants to discuss regarding your sons VB performance... .Politely excuse yourself, say you dont have time and ask her to send you an email on the matter. If she sents you an email that doesnt regard your son, delete!

I think that would be my strategy... .

Untill then I wouldnt give it much thought. If you keep focussing on this you'll stress yourself out! Think happy thoughts as much as possible! Good luck!  

[Duped11years]

Ive developed strange tactics to help plow through NC, and one is an app on my phone that counts up from a date and time, which i set for that final hang up. I tap the app and there it is, days, hours, minutes, seconds... .it motivated me to keep going. Kind of like a running a race, seeing the miles tick off psychs you to keep pushing... .looking forward to seeing that 'months' category go to '1'... .and beyond

[Deeno02]

Thanks! I do plan on no contact period. My ex wife attends games as well and is pretty pissed at what my Bpdgf called my daughter so she volunteered to take on any coaching talks parent/coach stuff. All I plan on doing is walk in, watch and cheer and then leave.

[dumpsterdog]

Inferno... .i love it... the " she made herself look ridiculous "... i only hope mine has the same fate... it would be fitting.