Checking in & py Birthday to Me

[Tattered Heart]

It’s been awhile since I posted. I kept meaning to check in and say hi, post a little, but it’s just kept getting away from me.

It’s been 4 months since my husbands last dysregulatuon—until this week. September was the last time we’ve had problems. In that time we had a lot of life happen and he flew right through it being wonderful.

In October we went to visit his family. No problems.

3 weeks later his grandma died and we had to make a sudden 8 hour trip to South Dakota. We drove up 1 day and drove back the next. No problems.

A week before Thanksgiving I lost my job. Again now blow ups. He was super supportive and kind for the 1 1/2 months I wasn’t working.

Thanksgiving and Christmas were good.

Started a new job Jan 3. Change is happening. My schedule was crazy and late for 3 weeks. I was frustrated. He was frustrated but he managed to hold it together.

I’m now free to work from home and his agitation level has been up. He wants to stay home and hang out. I’m trying to make a distinction between my work time and free time.

Yesterday he started to paint me black. It was -10 wind chill and we had a dusting of snow on the ground. He asked me if I would take care of the chickens and I said was hoping he would since he was leaving the house. He got mad and  threw it in my face that my working from home meant I could do more to help. Plus he didn’t want to change out of his work shoes to boots. I was still in pjs. Went to warm up my car to drive to the coop because it’s too cold to walk. I got dressed. Put on shoes, clothes, winter gear. Drove up to the coop and went right back in. He saw my shoes and asked why I didn’t wear my boots. I said it’s hardly any snow. He says “oh maybe I was exaggerating a bit then.”

Today it’s my birthday. He has not told me happy birthday. It’s also my grandpas funeral visitation. He came home from working and immediately dysregulates because I hadn’t carried wood into the house yet and because he had bad customer service at 2 places today.  He ranted and yelled for an hour. I tried to validate but he was already too angry. He finally calmed down.

Then I started talking about the funeral plans. I said something that he misinterpreted as me saying I didn’t care if he was embarrassed by not being at the funeral home at the right time. I dunno. I said the word embarrassed wrong or didn’t say the right word, but there we were yelling at each other again. I somehow was able to validate him and he calmed down but I’m  frustrated and sad . And now I have to go deal with my dysfunctional family.

And he still hasn’t told me happy birthday. He hasn’t even acknowledged it.

Sorry for the long post. I can get through this. He goes through these phases every January, July, and September. And it ends just as quickly as it begins. Going to read through the lessons for a refresher tonight when it’s quiet

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[radoe]

I have lived through almost wordless birthdays

When they get disappointed,  frustrated and angry,  it can almost be a trap.

I have gotten upset when their upset and it always ALWAYS goes down hill.

So use SET

hang in there:-)

[I Am Redeemed]

Happy birthday, TH   

I'm sorry you didn't even get an acknowledgement from your h. Also sorry for the loss of your grandfather.

I was just thinking about you today, as I realized that I hadn't seen you post in a while.

It sucks that he made it through so many months without any problems and it couldn't at least last until your birthday and your grandfather's funeral were over.

You said he dysregulates every year at this time. Is your birthday a trigger? Could he be avoiding it on purpose?

Sending more hugs,

Redeemed

[Tattered Heart]

You said he dysregulates every year at this time. Is your birthday a trigger? Could he be avoiding it on purpose?

I’ve tried to put my finger on it but I’m not really sure. I’ve sometimes wondered if the winter blues cause depression which triggers rejection. Could be that the busyness of the holidays and family get togethers is over so there is nothing to focus his anxiety on. Could be something chemical in his brain. Could be my birthday and he feels pressure to make it special (although I stopped expecting anything years ago).

I had a great evening with my sisters and mom tonight. Thankfully the funeral is in the morning so none of my aunts or uncles will have time to get drunk. The visitation tonight was a little bit of a competition among my aunts for who could make things most about themselves.

[ortac77]

HI TH

and firstly happy birthday!

It is tough when they dysregulate like this at important times in our lives.
Its interesting that you perceive a pattern of dates because I notice the same thing, some I can make sense of as they represent the periods when he lost his parents, despite being sensitive to this there seems to be nothing I can do to 'head these off' - I understand the grief but dysregulation is not grief!

Others I am still trying to see the triggers but definitely January, May, August and October seem to be regular occurrences, its strange because they are not necessarily connected with what's going on in our lives rather something unfathomable that goes on in his head, which he cannot explain.

We have had a horrible January and almost on cue as it ends things are now back to stability.

I think only they know the triggers but they must exist at a level below consciousness?