He got physical last night - Part 2

[Frankee]

He lost his job today.  The job said it was because he didn't have a license and it was required to have a valid license. Even though they hired him, knowing he didn't have one.  Now at the end of the day, we are angry with each other.  I have had an attitude and he got upset.

I wasn't empathetic.  I wasn't really all that comforting.  I was kind of even like, well... that sucks and carried on with my day.  I am by no means a cold person, but I was to him today.  Within less than a week, he behaves the way he does when we go out, tears into me about the other women, assaults me after  keeping me up until 6am, then assaults me again the next morning, fights with me because I was being a bit** and wouldn't let him run me down, continues to fight because I wasn't still "acting right", threatens to blow his head off, gets mad because I don't buy into it, does this oh I am getting sick routine and I don't feel good, to know I am being a bit** again because I am not more comforting when he was let go. 

Then he said we talked, I won, he thought we were fine.  I told him I am not.  I am still upset about what happened the past few days.  He said that is in the past, we talked, We're fine, we're moving forward.  Acting like the last few days happened months ago.  My head is still spinning from last weekend.  His excuse is, I got F'ed up, I don't remember most of what happened.   Such a lie.  He told me he acted like his old self and he scared himself.  I told him that is not fair because I do remember.  He doesn't get a free pass because he doesn't remember and he got F'ed up.

What am I supposed to do? I am not some empathy robot who is just going to forget about his behavior last few days.  He lost his only guilt trip.  Now He's not even supporting me.  It would have been some serious acting to show him support today and I just didn't have it in me.

[formflier]

I applaud you for being real about who you are and your feelings toward him.

Let him sort through how to process/feel about that.

     Sorry you've had a tough week, I hope you can be especially kind to yourself.

FF

[Frankee]

I applaud you for being real about who you are and your feelings toward him.

Let him sort through how to process/feel about that.

     Sorry you've had a tough week, I hope you can be especially kind to yourself.

Thank you

I contacted my girlfriend and we are going to meet up to do some kind of morning workout.  I can finally do something like that since the youngest child is now in daycare.

I am trying to sort through my feeling towards him.  We were on a good slide where it felt like it use to be.  Like we were this awesome couple.  Now it has backslided so far that I am struggling to get over this resentment towards him.  I can't be who he wants me to be anymore.  I also struggle because I know the tools are on this website to help us work through it.  But do the tools really apply if a non genuinely feels this amount of animosity?

So much has happened in the past few days.  I am upset because now he is playing the victim role and I am finding it very difficult to offer comfort.  Part of me feels like he doesn't deserve it.  He wants to say I am not acting like a woman and kicking him when he is down.  I feel myself pulling away from him and discovering that his hold and control over what I do is disappearing. 

He wants to say him getting better makes him realize that maybe he wasn't responsible for all the horrendous things he did.  While me getting better, I am quietly realizing that I am refusing more and more to allow him to talk to me the way he does and say the cruel things.  I think my renewed independence and less tolerance when he says the cruel things is shaking him.

[Cat Familiar]

With all that you've learned and how you've improved your sense of self, things cannot go back to "the way they were".

You two can, however, build a new and better relationship, should you both choose.

But you've been awakened, and you realize that some of the ways he treated you in the past, some of the things he says, are now no longer acceptable to you. And you are making him aware of that.

It's up to him if he wants to improve his game and meet you where you're at. You've grown. It's his choice whether or not he wants to become more emotionally mature now.

[Frankee]

With all that you've learned and how you've improved your sense of self, things cannot go back to "the way they were".

You two can, however, build a new and better relationship, should you both choose.

But you've been awakened, and you realize that some of the ways he treated you in the past, some of the things he says, are now no longer acceptable to you. And you are making him aware of that.

It's up to him if he wants to improve his game and meet you where you're at. You've grown. It's his choice whether or not he wants to become more emotionally mature now.

You have been with bph for awhile haven't you Cat?  Did you ever have a time period where you felt like this?  It's been  hard time to process everything.  Part of me is so angry and resentful towards him, that I wonder if I will truly be okay with him.  Then a small fraction of me thinks that he can catch up.  It's difficult right now because he was let go.  Now I am pretty sure he is struggling with feeling "like a man".

I feel that expressing my feelings here, then being able to read back on what I said and process the emotions is helping.  I am proud of myself for how I handled his deregulation.  What I am noticing is that it is taking me longer to just say, everything is okay.  I am not doing it intentionally.

So no, I don't judge you. Situations like this are complex, not cut and dried, black and white.

I know if it was just me, I would probably already be skipping my happy a$$ away from the whole situation and setting the bridge on fire so I can never go back.  But I have two boys to support and take care of.  I am in such a stronger and better place that I know they need stability.  Things aren't nearly as bad with my bph and any fights we have are kept beyond innocent ears now.

[snowglobe]

You have been with bph for awhile haven't you Cat?  Did you ever have a time period where you felt like this?  It's been  hard time to process everything.  Part of me is so angry and resentful towards him, that I wonder if I will truly be okay with him.  Then a small fraction of me thinks that he can catch up.  It's difficult right now because he was let go.  Now I am pretty sure he is struggling with feeling "like a man".

I feel that expressing my feelings here, then being able to read back on what I said and process the emotions is helping.  I am proud of myself for how I handled his deregulation.  What I am noticing is that it is taking me longer to just say, everything is okay.  I am not doing it intentionally.
I know if it was just me, I would probably already be skipping my happy a$$ away from the whole situation and setting the bridge on fire so I can never go back.  But I have two boys to support and take care of.  I am in such a stronger and better place that I know they need stability.  Things aren't nearly as bad with my bph and any fights we have are kept beyond innocent ears now.

Dear Frankie,
I want to add my two cents, even I’m clearly not Cat. I’ve had these moments again and again when my empathy and coping skills almost ran out, where on one hand I was in emotional agony, trying to process my own pain, on the other hand trying to extend my uBPDh with a helping hand so he can move in a right direction to repair the relationships. You are doing great validating yourself. I suggest you take time daily, to look at yourself in the mirror, try to come down and then speak to yourself, as you would do to a friend. Validate, praise, uplift yourself, tell yourself all the words that you wish others would tell you. I try to do it in the morning after the shower. Sometimes at night, when I’m overwhelmed. It’s calming, liberating and therapeutic. You are doing your very best in the given situation, you have a plan which is motivating you. Following your story for a while, I attest to you being a survivor! Keep on holding on, tell us what else is on your mind. Now that he is laid if you are entering an uncharted territory. With his recent disregulation neither of you had a sufficient time to come back to the base line. With the newest unemployment blow I suggest you to try and practice mindfulness and firmer bohnfaries. This is the time they slip into BPD twilight. How can we support you better?

[WileyCoyote]

"you were battered, assaulted, falsely imprisoned, and raped"   This.
You don't seem to be acknowledging what happened.  I am very concerned for  you and your child's safety.


 Please reach out to https://www.thehotline.org/help/  and find local resources that can help you.

You are strong enough.  You are worth it.

[Cat Familiar]

You have been with bph for awhile haven't you Cat?  Did you ever have a time period where you felt like this?  It's been  hard time to process everything.  Part of me is so angry and resentful towards him, that I wonder if I will truly be okay with him.  Then a small fraction of me thinks that he can catch up.  It's difficult right now because he was let go.  Now I am pretty sure he is struggling with feeling "like a man".

Lots to unpack here. You are looking at all these factors: his recent troubling behavior, his job loss, your anger and resentment. And right now, you're not in the position where you are ready to make a big decision, so you can mull over all these factors without feeling any time pressure. I realize it's an uncomfortable place you find yourself.

To answer your question about my relationship, I'll have to go back in history a bit. I was in an abusive relationship for many years with my former husband (violence, infidelity, financial irresponsibility). I coped with it, hoped that things would ultimately get better, was terribly angry when nothing changed, and finally decided to get out. Even if I'd known about the tools we teach here, I don't know if this relationship would have been salvageable--there was too much bad history. And apparently he hasn't changed his ways. He assaulted his next wife, was arrested, fled the state and was on our county sheriff's "wanted list". Though I haven't seen him for over ten years, I still get phone calls from creditors trying to track him down when he's skipped town and left bills unpaid.

I married my current husband, believing that he was the man of my dreams, then the BPD showed up. AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH! Even though he's a nice guy, responsible, kind, I judged him very harshly for drinking more than I thought he should and became very angry and resentful, because my dream of this beautiful relationship turned out to be a fantasy. That said, it took me a few years of being here, and writing about all my frustration and disappointment, to get over all my anger, which certainly wasn't only from this relationship and my first marriage, but also from growing up with a BPD mother.

Now that I feel done with that historical anger and resentment, though I still get irritated with my husband now and then, I do use the tools and 90% of the time we get along great. Even with that 10%, I now know how to diffuse arguments and I no longer make things worse, as I once did.

Long story to answer your question, but to sum it up, I believe that some people and some relationships are damaged to the point where trying to save them may not be worth the effort. On the other hand, using the tools consistently can work wonders.

You've been doing a lot of work on yourself and you have skills and strategies you didn't have last year and things are better between you and your husband.   You realize that as a mother, you can't just cut and run, like a single person, and you are following through on your plans to become a nurse, so that you can give your boys more financial stability.

For now, you can continue to work on making things better with your husband and time will tell if this relationship is sustainable. In the meantime, you will be progressing toward having a career that will be rewarding and all those relationship skills that you are practicing will be very useful in your nursing profession as well as in all of your other relationships.

Major life decisions can come about when things are cooled down and you have more options.

[Skip]

Frankee,

You probablt shared this already, but what is it that brought you back with your husband after you left the state?

Skip

[WileyCoyote]

Frankee,
  Please read what you wrote at this time last year.  Do your own words spark something in you?

Frankee Jan - 2018: At first, I was thinking of putting the subject "My success story", but now I'm not sure that's how I really feel.

January 10th, I was kicked out of my home and ended up in a shelter.  January 17th, I am now far away from him with my kids.  The domestic violence helped me get him arrested for drug possession and then extract my kids from the home the same time.  I had 5 police officer's show up at the house and I saw the whole thing from the back of one of the police cars.  Seeing him get arrested was terrifying,  I was certain I had signed my death warrant.

Later that night, I was set up for relocation.  Far away.  Currently in route to new shelter.  He had me so scared for my life, believed him so much that he could find me anywhere, that I grabbed only way I could carry and fled the state.  I believed him so much that he would kill me, that I left a good job, a beach town, and basically everything the kids and I own, just to get far away from him.  

He sent messages from the time I left until yesterday morning.  I didn't see them until yesterday afternoon.   His bleeding heart.  Begging for a chance to change.  He won't ask me to come back, losing me is the biggest mistake of his life and he didn't want to lose the kids too.  I feel bad for taking them from him, to some degree.  Truth is, he said horrible things to the youngest.  Acted out towards me in angry threatening ways in front of the oldest.  He pushed me so far away.  All the times he got angry that I was quiet,  were the times I was slow dying inside and giving up fighting for us.  I didn't know what I was fighting for anymore.  It wasn't until the kids and I were gone.

I wish there was truth to his attempts to want to change, talk it out, that he would go to counseling.  I've heard it before.  I have my doubts about what I am doing.  It hasn't hit me yet.  I still care for him and even love the part of him that was good.  When I think of leaving and how much it hurts, it's because everything in my life was good,  except him.  I left everything I loved behind, just to get away from him and that's what breaks my heart.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=319815.msg12929539#msg12929539

[Frankee]

Lots to unpack here. You are looking at all these factors: his recent troubling behavior, his job loss, your anger and resentment. And right now, you're not in the position where you are ready to make a big decision, so you can mull over all these factors without feeling any time pressure. I realize it's an uncomfortable place you find yourself.

Major life decisions can come about when things are cooled down and you have more options.

I feel like that's where I am.  A year ago I was thinking out of pure fear.  Now my moves are more calculated and thinking in realistic measures.

Frankee,

You probablt shared this already, but what is it that brought you back with your husband after you left the state?

He promised to change and be a better man.  I left again in June to spend a couple weeks with my parents after I got  tired of his BS.  Someone said that it can take three times to successfully leave a bad relationship.   

We talked today and he sees.  Me going back to school, working again, and working out that it will give me "options".

Reading my post from last year and being at the same job I left a year ago gives me an amazing comparison.  I still can remember the few days that led up my leaving and the day of.  I told him that I have been lashing out because things that happened right before I left a year ago are coming back to how I feel.  He tells me I am living in the past.  The kind of trauma I experienced definitely changed me.  I sometimes think I am just now coming to processing what really happened.

I also think that is contributing to how I feel now. Before I felt that I was relying on him to support me and I needed him to help pay for bills/rent.  Now with my future career in process and working again and him losing his job... has slapped me awake to see I don't need him to support me financially.

[Cat Familiar]

That you don't need his financial support, that you have options, that you have confidence in yourself--all these things are probably triggering some abandonment issues for him.

It's easy for someone to tell you not to live in the past when they don't understand how deeply traumatic experiences can be felt, and for how long.

[WileyCoyote]

 He can say you are living in the past all he wants.  The hard truth is that a SEVERELY TRAUMATIC   event JUST happened. And he was the perpetrator.

Please take action to keep you and your family safe   If only starting a what if plan.  You need to do something.  

But as always. Until you can or when you can, we will be here to listen.

[I Am Redeemed]

It's easy for someone to tell you not to live in the past when they don't understand how deeply traumatic experiences can be felt, and for how long.

Exactly.

My uBPDh used to tell me I couldn't let go of the past. He also accused me of holding on to anger and resentment and of being unforgiving.

He refused (and still refuses) to acknowledge the impact his behavior had on me. He expected me to function normally under abnormal circumstances. He also expected to be able to say "I'm sorry, I messed up, I promise to change, I'm trying, I'm working on myself" and then life should go on as usual. That meant no referring to past harm in an effort to get him to see his destructive patterns.

It also meant that he expected me to carry on unaffected, regardless of the extensive damage he caused to me physically, emotionally and mentally. He expected me to treat his behavior towards me as if it were just some of the normal mistakes any partner inevitably makes that would cause hurt feelings. Any attempt of mine to get him to understand the true destructive nature of his actions towards me resulted in denial, blame and accusations of me being vindictive and over dramatic.

Ironically, he loved to bring up the most ridiculous, insignificant events from years ago and use them to justify his treatment of me and as an excuse to paint me black. He was the resentful, hateful, vindictive person, not me. Projection.

You are trying to take a logical versus an emotional approach to your situation. You realize that is the difference between now and last year when you were mainly driven by fear and making decisions based on emotions. That's important, because whatever path you take forward, you will step towards it with a clear purpose.

Redeemed

[Frankee]

 I was reading this and I realized how hypocritical it all is.  I disclosed that what happened just over a year ago to him has been popping up in my head and he says I am living far in the past.  Truth is, he's still living in the past by using his abuse by others when he was a child as a reason for the what he behaves towards me sometimes.  I think it's because he was the one that did it, he wants doesn't want to live in that past, because he would have to come to terms how hurtful and cruel he was.  Or he uses the excuse he doesn't remember.  He use to also be real bad about throwing things in my face that happened BEFORE I met him.  He use to make me feel horrible about my ex husband.

One of the struggles I am having with this new found clarity is that before I would let go of what happened and tried to move forward and now I am seeing that I am not so inclined to just let it go.  I have decided to keep a watchful eye on when he starts to deregulate.  I am still not in a place to make any rash decisions.  I decided to conclude the argument and to make him feel like everything is okay.  I need to be able to process how I feel without him breathing down my neck, pressuring me, and escalating my emotions.  Maybe that makes me a wicked person for manipulating the situation to give me some peace, but I know I need to really figure out if this is something I want to continue to work on.  I know I have a clever and intuitive mind.  I just feel he knocked me down so far before that I forgot how smart and strong of a person I really am.

[Waddams]

Last comment from me on this:

For me, the mental shift happened where I decided I would always put my own self respect first.  I would not tolerate any disrespect, devaluing, etc.  If a person displayed those attitudes towards me, I would drop them.  Protecting my value and not letting myself be run down by anyone, anywhere, in any circumstance was what would drive my decision making.  No more bargaining about if they could only heal from their past troubles, then they'd be fine.  No more thinking I had to stay and be there for them because "it's not really their fault how they are".  That ceased to matter to me.  Why they were the way they were stopped mattering.  What started mattering was how they were now, how their behavior affected me and hurt me and my life, and how to stop it from happening anymore.  No more excuses, and only a focus of holding MYSELF accountable for protecting my own value and my own self from being impacted by dysfunctional people anymore.

I also decided no more relationships with women that if they would just do this or that, then they could be great partners.  No more dating based on potential.  They HAD to be at a place in life where they had already built themselves up to that potential and were living it.  

When I did that, life got instantly better.  No more drama with people.  No more issues.  No more bargaining with myself on why to stay with someone.  Instead, I focused on building my own value and waited while I worked.  11 months ago I married the woman that had realized her potential.  There's no more devaluing towards me from anyone.  I'm in the best place I've ever been in my career.  

It was actually pretty simple life change looking back.  It was hard to maintain at first, but as results and improves started to trickle in, it got easier.  As successes built on successes, it got a lot easier.  These days I only wonder what took me so long to figure out that the only response to someone that devalues you in all the ways that pwPD do, especially when they do so as part of trying to avoid their own accountabilities for their own f*'d up sh*t, is to cut 'em loose as fast and immediate as possible post haste and move on.

[Cat Familiar]

Triage is a word that you’ll hear if you work in emergency medicine. The medical definition of this word is the process of quickly examining patients to determine which are in the most serious condition and should be treated first.

When I was a volunteer EMT, I was amazed at how quickly experienced paramedics could do this.

I suggest that triage is a strategy you apply to your relationship as you take steps toward getting your nursing degree. That is, treat the worst first, and then think about the rest later.

A broken leg can wait. A patient who stops breathing can’t.

What you’re doing right now to give yourself space and peace for your family is not wicked. It’s strategic.

[Notwendy]

Waddams, I also had the same mental shift. I just don't accept a relationship where people are disrespectful to me, or disrespectful in general.

I feel fortunate that my marriage didn't involve physical abuse or requests for threesomes. I'm not that adventurous. However, my H also didn't treat me with respect and it came down to how invested he was in the marriage -because I don't think I was. He decided to work on things.

I wonder if they all have this same playbook. " you are living in the past". I acknowledge that my H has made a lot of changes, but what happened did happen. I can forgive it to a degree- not bring it up or not make it impossible for him to move past it, but I can not pretend it didn't happen. It happened and dealing with that started me on a path of personal change.

He sometimes says he wants me to be the way I was, but I can't be that way. He used to say things like "I just forget - each day is a new day- so you forget it too. I used to think it was my fault that I don't forget. He's said "I've changed and it's your problem to live in the past. "

I say bull... .he did it, he chose to be a jerk to his trusting wife. We are still married, things are better, but with this shift to self respect, I won't tolerate being treated the way I was.

Frankee, I think the first step to change is this mind shift. Your H can choose to change his behavior if he wants, but it takes time, and effort to change. What he's doing now is what I call the "dry erase" method. "Poof I'm better now - you better be too" but real change isn't instant.

[Frankee]

Thank you for all the help. I am doing a short reply since I am at work.

I feel he is trying to erase the bad.  Poor, gone.  We talked and seemed okay, magic fix... why are you mad again? I am processing a lot of feelings.

The other day he did this thing where his voice changes when he's around other people.  I highly doubt he knows.   But I hear it.  It deepens and changes tones, like he is trying to put this persona out there.  He was talking about going out and I felt myself bristle.  Last time we went out, it ended with what I posted on here.

He talks about this other woman he just spouted out that he has a crush on and It's like the new dating feeling... Another bristle.  Hurts because I think she is an awesome woman and I like talking to her, but we've already hooked up and he has made it very clear he wants to again.

I see the biggest deal breaker will probably end up the fact that after that night, I am starting to feel like I am just all around boring in bed, I am not enough so he NEEDS a gf/2nd wife, and he NEEDS more kids.  That's a lot to think about.

[Cat Familiar]

That’s got to be painful to hear him talk about his new “crush”.

It’s easy to tell you not to take it personally and that because you’re aware of all his weaknesses, he needs to bluster and puff himself up to impress someone who doesn’t know him as well. And then there’s the BPD issues... .all that you understand, but it still doesn’t make it easier for you, his wife.

So he needs another “wife” and more kids, yet he’s unemployed currently and even when he was employed, it sounds like money was tight.

What do you need, Frankee? And how do you feel about open marriage?

[Notwendy]

Frankee, please don't make his desires about you. It's about him not regulating his "wants" in an adult way.

It's important to distinguish between a want and a need. Adults can do that. Children don't do this very well- which is why they need adults to supervise them. A child may want to eat ice cream for dinner, may even think he needs ice cream for dinner. Ice cream is a want, not a need.

Adults are able to manage wants and needs. Usually this involves making choices. An adult may want to eat ice cream for dinner, but also wants to be healthy. He knows that to be healthy - he has to eat a healthy meal. So he may want to eat ice cream but he chooses his health.

Your H doesn't need a new gf or more kids. He wants to hook up with someone else. Nothing wrong with that- we are human and we find people attractive from time to time, so we may feel attracted but understand that- if we want to stay married, ( assuming the marriage is monogamous )we better not hook up with someone else.

Please don't buy into your H expressing his "needs". If a man wants to hook up with many women, and he is married, he needs to make a choice- the marriage or the hook ups. It's not your job to provide both unless you want to. If he wants more children, he needs to be able to support them. Some of this is fantasy- you don't have to make this happen for him. If you don't want to hook up with a third person, don't hook up with them.

We have some needs: shelter, clothing to keep warm ,nutritious foods. Most of the things we crave are "wants". Your H has poor impulse control and may feel his wants are needs, but they aren't. It's his job to manage his wants, not yours.

[Frankee]

That’s got to be painful to hear him talk about his new “crush”.

It’s easy to tell you not to take it personally and that because you’re aware of all his weaknesses, he needs to bluster and puff himself up to impress someone who doesn’t know him as well. And then there’s the BPD issues... .all that you understand, but it still doesn’t make it easier for you, his wife.

What do you need, Frankee? And how do you feel about open marriage?

It makes me feel like I am all of sudden not enough.  Like he feels like the more women around, the more of a "man" he is and I have seen this behavior come out more recently.  He's always kind of like this, but it seems to have become more suffocating recently.

Frankee, please don't make his desires about you. It's about him not regulating his "wants" in an adult way.

Your H doesn't need a new gf or more kids. He wants to hook up with someone else. Nothing wrong with that- we are human and we find people attractive from time to time, so we may feel attracted but understand that- if we want to stay married, ( assuming the marriage is monogamous )we better not hook up with someone else.

Please don't buy into your H expressing his "needs". If a man wants to hook up with many women, and he is married, he needs to make a choice- the marriage or the hook ups. It's not your job to provide both unless you want to. If he wants more children, he needs to be able to support them. Some of this is fantasy- you don't have to make this happen for him. If you don't want to hook up with a third person, don't hook up with them.

Your H has poor impulse control and may feel his wants are needs, but they aren't. It's his job to manage his wants, not yours.

After what happened the last time we went out and the fight that we had that night and the next morning, I feel completely shut off from wanting to even fool around with another woman.  I feel that in the back of his mind, he is trying to patch it up to where we are on the good track again to where I go back to fun sexy party wife.  I am no mind reader, but I feel a strong sense of that. 

Even today when I had my girlfriend meet us at the gym today (I felt off putish).  She is the one that he got blitzed and said he had a "crush" on and we had a 3some with one time.  I am torn, because I like her as a friend, but I feel this looming feeling he is sharking us for another 3some.

I have decided to claim peace and make it seem like everything is fine.  I think I need to really process how I feel about him when things are going "well".  We didn't fight today, but I felt that bristle again when we left the gym.  He said I like so and so.  It may have meant nothing, but the way he said it was like, he still has this stupid "crush" on her.

I am currently processing my emotions in a calm manner.  I need to figure out how important this whole stupid gf is to him.  And everyone is right.  He is unemployed.  I am working, going to school, taking care of the kids, going to the gym.  As more and more adds up and I am seeing things clear, I am starting to wonder what place he really has in my life.  If I can do all of that and try to deal with how I feel about him, I wonder how amazing I could do without him.

[formflier]

Frankee

I've noticed that you spend a lot of time reading and responding to signals he is sending. (or may be sending)

What are you sending him?

Maybe another way to think about it.  If you are up for (fill in the blank)... .let him know.

If you are undecided, I would advise you not to let him know.  Rather I would encourage you to sort that out... apart from what you would think he would like.

And... if it's a dealbreaker.  Likely something to let him know.

What if you let him know the kind of man you are willing to be in a relationship with and see what he does... if he strives to meet that?

FF

[Frankee]

What are you sending him?

If you are undecided, I would advise you not to let him know.  Rather I would encourage you to sort that out... apart from what you would think he would like.

What if you let him know the kind of man you are willing to be in a relationship with and see what he does... if he strives to meet that?

I feel I have put signals out pretty strong that I was very upset with his behavior and also told him.  He can tell something is different.  He knows that something has changed in me, but I am not sure he knows what.  From our talks/fights, he gets a strong sense I am pulling away and he's not wrong.  I know I am because of how I felt about after what happened from my initial post.  I am undecided on what I am and am not up for.  He may have been able to use the excuse he was messed up, but I remember very clearly what he said and how horrible he made me feel.  I have made peace, but I still feel the hurt from it and mentally working it out.

I suggest that triage is a strategy you apply to your relationship as you take steps toward getting your nursing degree. That is, treat the worst first, and then think about the rest later.

What you’re doing right now to give yourself space and peace for your family is not wicked. It’s strategic.

I feel I have placed my priorities in a way where I feel I need to really observe how I feel when we are "okay".  It is easy to blow someone off when you are mad, buy when you are calm... That's when you see things for how they really are.  As mentioned before about the mental shift.  Sometimes I feel it so strong that I swear my world shakes.  I never have been to this point before in our relationship and I am treading carefully.

[Cat Familiar]

So you've let him know that his behavior that night was unacceptable. He senses that you are acting differently and thinks you are distancing yourself. At this point, you're not sure what behavior you want to participate in regarding having intimacy with others. You still feel hurt and are processing how you feel.

You realize that you need to pay attention to what you feel when things are good between you. This is a new point in your relationship and you're being mindful to not make things worse.

[AskingWhy]

I wasn't empathetic.  I wasn't really all that comforting.  I was kind of even like, well... that sucks and carried on with my day.  I am by no means a cold person, but I was to him today.  Within less than a week, he behaves the way he does when we go out, tears into me about the other women, assaults me after  keeping me up until 6am, then assaults me again the next morning, fights with me because I was being a bit** and wouldn't let him run me down, continues to fight because I wasn't still "acting right", threatens to blow his head off, gets mad because I don't buy into it, does this oh I am getting sick routine and I don't feel good, to know I am being a bit** again because I am not more comforting when he was let go.  

Then he said we talked, I won, he thought we were fine.  I told him I am not.  I am still upset about what happened the past few days.  He said that is in the past, we talked, We're fine, we're moving forward.  Acting like the last few days happened months ago.  My head is still spinning from last weekend.  His excuse is, I got F'ed up, I don't remember most of what happened.   Such a lie.  He told me he acted like his old self and he scared himself.  I told him that is not fair because I do remember.  He doesn't get a free pass because he doesn't remember and he got F'ed up.

Frankee, you have every right to be annoyed and angry, and act accordingly, even if it means not giving empathy. To be honest, I often find myself out of empathy for my uBPD H.  His F is the biggest jack a$$ I have ever met, and I know his childhood of poverty was bad, plus playing second fiddle to his younger B who was favoured over him.  But asking me to tolerate the dysregulations over and over gets old.  Really old.

pwBPD often use substances and addictions (alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, etc.) to deal with the pain of their emptiness.  They also don't have a sense of time due to their dissociating.  My uBPD H does this often.  He can't have recall and does not have a sense of history.  He can't recall gifts he gave me, and does not even recall details (surprisingly) about his adult children with whom he is enmeshed.  In a rare moment of self revelation, he told me his F was "odd" (I suspect FIL is in some NPD or BPD spectrum), but that does not excuse any abusive behaviour when he uses me as an emotional punching bag.  (H knows what would happen if he so much as raised a hand to me.  I would call the police and divorce him faster than you could say his-whole-world-would-become-a-mess.)

My H uses alcohol when he goes on hunting trips and golf vacations with his male friends.  They rent a cabin or bungalow and all get drunk in the evenings.  That is why my H never calls me in those evenings.  He is just too drunk to remember me, and it's out of sight, out of mind for BPDs.

I certainly don't give my H a free pass when he is drunk or is dysregulating.  You should not have to, either.

Please don't feel bad about not caring for your H when he is splitting.  It means you are indignant about the way he is treating you and a sign of your self-respect.  

[Harri]

This thread reached the post limit and was split.  Part three is here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=333875.0