Looking beyond the relationship, a torch into darkness

[Cromwell]

Nothing special about my ex when I first saw the stats

(2 in 50 BPD, 1 in 10 a PD)

In saying that, its still her birthday today 

k, Moving on (swiftly)... .

See you all later, off to work in the medical caring profession... .[no free diazepam as a perk sadly] a refreshing, cleansing shower as soon as I get home does the trick just as much nowadays.

radical acceptance hurry up and kickin today dammit,

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ClwIj3x24Q4

[Beneck]

Good to see you doing well Cromwell ;)

Have a nice day at work... .

Let's kick it up damn it!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1xDFWYt_pbY

[Cromwell]

Thanks Comrade

Had a great day surprisingly. Learning to go easy on the coffee when near the 5% (5% seems right) seems to be component I have reflected on lately.

Ive stopped smoking on her birthday.

Beneck, say a prayer for the 5% - over the next few weeks.

reiterated: Ive stopped smoking... .

Defcon warning level ESCALATED

so much energy these days  

[Red5]

My fav line from the whole movie!

…"asps, very dangerous, you go first!"

Story of my life Man,

 

[Cromwell]

Red5, I think there is some personality types that either shun danger or those who see it as a challenge/adventure.

I try to reflect wether leaving this relationship was more to do with 3 years of losing interest in the drama, not finding anything new in the chaos - or if I reached the limitation in health. It is a tricky one to seperate. Considering the relationship that worked out best for me was with a partner with ADHD. I never felt exhausted, fatigued, anxious - but thrived off the energy.

This BPD stuff, I cant call it "drama" or even "chaotic", I can handle even thrive on the shirt tails of both. It was something else but eventually became lacklustre, predictable (she was a one trick pony using cheating consistently as the weapon), boring.

I can imagine that a job such as marine, emergency service workers - the initial experience of high stimulus, anxiety inducing situations - in the long term they just become "another day at work" and adaptive.

Just as there are those who make a living capturing and handling snakes.

beyond the relationship, it has not mostly been a nice experience but it has mentally strengthened, brought awareness and self awareness. Trying to look forward and the bigger world outside of this box has lessened the grip on the intensity of emotions that felt fused together.

we all have had - still have, a life beyond this. I ruminate more on this fact nowadays and it is helping to detach. the empowerement of; A personal choice of wanting to go play in the slimy snake pit when there are other things to do.