Another Wednesday disaster tonight.

[Thorndike]

Another Wednesday disaster tonight.  Before I explain, let me back up a bit... . After the failed Wednesday transfer two weeks ago, my wife's attorney sent a nasty letter accusing me of being threatening and scaring my wife when I went out to the car to get my daughter's overnight things.  Luckily, I'd recorded myself for the whole encounter, and submitted a transcript to my lawyer to pass along to my wife's lawyer.  I did not yell or threaten.  It upsets me that my wife says I did.  I am upset that I'm not allowed to express the normal range of human emotions in front of her.  Just being frustrated is deemed abusive (on the recording I appear slightly annoyed, yet am at times stumbling over myself to not appear threatening).  Yet, I acknowledge that going to the car to get my daughter's things didn't gain me anything, so tonight I was determined to avoid any difficulties.  Remaining in the house seemed like a sure way to avoid getting drawn into any drama.  It didn't work out that way, though.

youngest daughter never made it into the house after her Wednesday dinner visit with BPDw tonight.  BPDw drove her to the house.  I stayed in the house, and never left it.  BPDw got out of the SUV (she was leaving it for me so I could drive carpool), got into the other car, and then let youngest daughter get into the other car and drove her back to the apartment.  But not before a protracted drama where youngest daughter was calling and texting me saying she wasn't going to stay, and BPDw was repeatedly texting me saying she couldn't make her stay and what did I suggest.   They left the dog in the SUV, and youngest daughter didn't trust me to take her in, so after they hung out a block away for a while, BPDw drove youngest daughter back so she could check and make sure that I'd gotten the dog out of the car.

Tonight was tremendously damaging to youngest daughter, to me, and to our relationship.  I am distraught and exhausted.  My head is spinning.  The text and phone drama my wife and daughter sucked me into wrecked me.  I wasn't prepared for that one.  The curve balls keep coming, each one from a different direction.  It feels like my wife's abuse and the aftermath has destroyed my relationship with my daughter.  I understand that a long term repair may be possible, but we had such a good relationship and I cherished it, so losing that as a price for stopping the abuse is a terrible price to pay.  Hearing youngest daughter's contempt tore my heart apart.  I feel like I've been run over by a truck tonight.

[Skip]

Your wife is brutal. 

[Harley Quinn]

I'm so sorry she's being tactical like this.     Was it your wife's suggestion to include the Wednesday night dinners?  If you are finding that the arrangement is distressing for youngest daughter can it be taken out of the order so that she stays for an unbroken length of time with each of you?  I hope your L can do something to alter this.  It is so   that you're going through this.  Can you exercise today to channel the feelings?  I'd recommend it.    

[Harri]

Hi.  I am glad you reached out here and are trying to stay engaged.  I am so sorry for what is happening. 

[flourdust]

I also had a whole lot of drama and standoffs in early days with the transfer schedule. I remember a period of about a month where my stbBPDexwife decided she was entitled to Thursday night dinners and was going to take them, regardless of what the order said. That was eventually resolved with lawyers and a judge, and I had to keep my cool as best I could and not get into fights on Thursdays ... .even though I was losing my parenting time. I was furious inside, though.


Have you done this?

youngest daughter is telling you what she needs -- she needs you to hear her.

Spend time with her, offering to listen, asking about her feelings, being ready to validate no matter how hard it is to hear what she has to say. You might have to try several approaches before she'll open up a bit -- teens aren't the best at this. But have patience and time and empathy and you can do it.

[wendydarling]

Brutal indeed, I'm so sorry Thorndike,   you do not deserve this, nor your daughter and I hope for happier times for you having stepped through these current changes. When do you see your daughter next?  And when do all your daughters get together with you next?