Coping with adult daughter of 21 living with me with BPD

[Chimes]

Hi all,

So glad I found this site with others to talk about.  My daughter who lives with me was diagnosed with Bi-polar and BPD (which she is currently in denial about).  Feels she just has severe depression.

My question: Are there any other moms in the same prediciment as me and if so how do you hande the lies and manipulation and coping with the self harm and verbal abuse?

I was married in 2017 which you can imagine went one way and was stressed beyond being stuck in the middle of the two of them.  He always said he can relate to her and that's why they don't get on.  Maybe, so in the end decided to divorce as living with two was too hectic for me.

Looking foward to chatting to you all.

That's my brief history.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Hello and Welcome to BPD Family!

I'm sorry for the circumstances that brought you here but I'm glad you found us. Many parents here will relate to what you've written, self-harm, manipulation, denial, verbal abuse, and more. We are all learning together, supporting each other, you are not alone. 

We have lots of information here in the form of articles and workshops, and I encourage you to read all you can. The post pinned to the top of this board is a good place to start:

HOW TO GET THE MOST OUT OF THIS SITE

It's got some of our best articles, though we have many more. Please take it at your own pace, it can be overwhelming.

What led to your daughter's diagnosis? Is she in treatment of any kind?

I look forward to getting to know you and how we can best support you.

Again, Welcome!

~ OH

[Chimes]

Hi,

Thanks for the reply.  It all started when I met my now ex husband 3 years ago. My son left for Dubai as I got engaged and they didn’t get on at all and then got depressed as her boyfriend left her. She went to a depression clinic 3 times. She started cutting herself mybex husband wa rude to her and carried on and got worse since then until he left and it was hard making the decision to divorce him but he even said he is so much like her and he was hard and don’t understand and wanted me to kick her out the house which I could not do as her dad doesn’t play an active part in her life. She was then diagnosed and has been in medication which wields although she likes to drink too. She has stooed the cutting this year which I know is not long but it is for her. Social media friends where cruel to her last year and the next boyfriend also left her and took pills and cut but seems to be in a better space this year and isbdojng Aupair work in the complex I live. She still manipulates me to get her own way and if I don’t threatens me and gets ugly - she has no concept of money so struggling with that and thatnshe only thinks of herself.

Look forward to reading through your site

 

[Only Human]

Thanks for sharing more information, you sure have been through a lot in the last few years. Yes, living with two people with BPD sounds very hectic.  It's good news that your DD has stopped cutting for a year, a milestone to be celebrated for sure. So sorry to hear that she has rejected the BPD diagnosis, though it's not uncommon.

Many of us have realized that a change must begin with us, the leaders of the family, and we are learning new ways to communicate/relate to our adult children in hopes of ending the cycle of conflict.

As you're reading, please feel free to come back here with any questions, none of this is intuitive and it takes practice. For myself, I started with validation and it was like speaking a new language. My efforts have not resulted in total harmony but things are slowly getting better. I hope the same for you and your DD as you learn and apply the tools we have here.

We talk a lot about boundaries, validation, and self-care for us at the top of it all. Joining BPD Family and reaching out for support was a good first step. Do you have any support in real life? A therapist of your own?

Keep posting, reading, and asking for advice, we are here to support you, we get it.

~ OH

[Manifest32f]

Hi:
I agree with OH- we are all greatly benefiting from each other, learning new ways to communicate with our BPDds, using validation, setting boundaries and making sure that we are taking care of our own mental health. It can be very exhausting and trying to deal with every day and please feel free to use the vast resources available here and use this space for support and any questions you may have.

Take care and stay safe.

[Chimes]

Thank you all for your kind words.  Currently this is the only support I really have as I find family members don't really understand what I am going through.  I have been to see a few therapist and her therapist.

How does one start to set boundaries, validation that you speak about?

T

[livednlearned]

Welcome to bpdfamily Chimes 

I'm glad you found the site. It can be overwhelming to have a BPD loved one, especially a child struggling to become an adult. The specific relationship and communication skills we practice here are not intuitive and must be learned.

Did your D seek out the depression clinic herself? If so, that's a good sign that she reaches out for help when she needs it, altho I imagine it must feel scary for you when she becomes so overwhelmed.

What are some of the issues you are struggling with the most with her? Maybe we can start there and try to use your examples to model how validation and boundaries can work for you and DD21.

[afaith1]

I am in a similar situation with my 20 year old daughter diagnosed with BPD, OCD, depression and anxiety. I also believe she is an alcoholic. I myself have severe anxiety and depression so it is a huge burden to deal with her as well. I have gotten to the point where I need to just take care of myself or I feel like she will destroy my mental health.