DD18 tries to run away or take off in car when dysregulated, should I let her?

[Moana]

My DD is 18, is living at home and often tries to run away when she is upset or in a rage. She will try to run out of the house at night when it is freezing cold or take off on me in a public if we disagree about something or try to drive off when she is clearly too dysregulated to be doing so.

I live in constant fear of her leaving and never coming back, leaving to commit suicide or having something horrific happen to her when she is out on the streets. When she was a minor we would try to stop her / hold her down or call the police but now that she is over 18 it is a whole different ballgame and the police will barely get involved.

Any advice would be appreciated as to how common this is with BPD's and what is the best way to handle it.

I should also note that she ran away from school about 2 years ago, sent an email to a teacher saying no one would ever see her again and ran into the woods in the freezing cold with 2 feet of snow on the ground. Because she was a minor the police got involved and we found her the next morning but that was the worst night of my life thinking she was dead or missing forever. Also, we found her, she didn't come back willingly. Ever since then I do everything in my power not to let her run off but it is getting very difficult to control and I guess technically it is her right now that she is 18. Thanks for any help you can offer.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Hi Moana,

I'm so sorry to hear of the difficulties you're having with your newly adult daughter. My daughter did a lot of running away from me when she was an adolescent and once about 18 months ago, age 23. When she was an adolescent, I called the police and it usually resulted in hospitalization. As an adult, my hands were tied. I understand living in fear of the worst, it's awful isn't it?

You say now that she's 18 it's her right to run away, the police will barely get involved, you're right about that, she's an adult and may come and go as she pleases. You say she runs when she's upset or in a rage, and that sounds familiar in my own experience. What leads up to her rages? I ask because there is a lot we can do to minimize conflict with our adult children with BPD. Often they are frustrated when they don't feel heard, and this can lead to running away. The change must come from us first, as leaders of the family, we show them a better way.

I took a look at your post history, you've been struggling for a long time. I'm so sorry, but I'm glad you're back, reaching out for support.

I hope to hear more from you, Moana.

~ OH

[Moana]

Hi OH,

Thank you so much for your advice and support. I feel like DD presents differently from a many BPD's with her raging, shutting down and running away and it is hard to find people who have experienced the same things.

You asked what leads up to her rages and it varies, often she is upset about something that happened with a boy or at work, but is often because we set some sort of boundary or enforce a consequence for breaking a house rule. We learned a long time ago to let the little things go in order to minimize conflict but even when we try to make her feel heard and try to meet her half way or more she just puts a stake in the ground and won't budge.

A recent example would when we let her take our car for the day to visit a friend (from Tinder) about an hour away with the understanding she would be home around 9pm. I call her at 9pm and she says they want to go to a party. I say no, not with our car, we had an agreement about when to be home, she goes anyway and ends up driving home high and with open bottles of alcohol in her car (but claims she wasn't drinking, her friends were - brand new "friends" we know nothing about).

She sleeps the entire next day until she finally gets up to go to work. While she is getting ready I tell her I will be driving her because of what happened the night before (long established house rule - driving under the influence = losing car). End result, she argues, she rages, she refuses to go to work or even call out saying it is our fault because we won't let her take the car and if she gets fired it is our fault.

She tries to run out and take the car anyway, we stop her, then she tries to run away from the house (it's dark at this point and work is way too far for her to walk to and she is completely out of control) and we stop her again, things get completely out of control and we end up at the ER trying to get a psych hold.

Clearly, we did a horrible job avoiding conflict, usually we would have probably given in and let her take the car to avoid all that but I in this case, we felt like what she did the night before was very serious and couldn't go without consequences and all I wanted to do was drive her to and from work, that was the ONLY thing, no other consequences were given just a simple "I'm going to give you a ride to and from work tonight" and we can talk more when you get home.

I just don't know what to do, we have studied DBT, been to parent groups and are trying so hard to use all the skills with her but nothing seems to work. She literally won't give an inch, she either shuts down or tries to take off. I know she is hurting and it is so incredibly hard not to be able to help her.

[Lollypop]

Hey Moana

Son28 used to run out. He learnt to spend as little time as possible at home. We got into a cycle and every 3 months or so the tensions would build and we’d call a family meeting. He learnt to sit through it, agreeing - we’d talk ourselves out. If we asked questions he’d tell us what we wanted to hear.

He left at 18 for uni. Dropped out and returned at 19.
He left at 20. Returned at 21.
He left at 23. Returned at 24. Dx 24.

I found this forum and I stayed. Simply put, my work and learning here on the forum has shown how I can be the parent he needs.

Strangely for us, we turned our focus away from the drug taking and BPD behaviours to a concentrated focus on our core relationship. We found this worked.

It took time and persistence. I got light as a fairy and he warmed to us. He started to trust us.

We found a way to be more open hearted and loving than parents with boundaries and expectations. He responded to that. Now, I get that may raise an eyebrow or two. But our son was 24 and clearly an adult - he needed to be treated as one and take full responsibility for himself and, of course, suffer the consequences of his actions.

I kept being 5 steps ahead of him during his early adult years - I stunted his emotional growth. I tried to control his situation.

We all learn by our mistakes, particularly our kids. Your daughter is only 18. To be honest, my son didn’t start to progress til he was 24 - he is growing up but still young for his years.

Yeptheotherone isn’t around as much these days on the forum. If you take a look at her posts you’ll see how she changed things around for her family.

We all want the same thing : to be loved and understood. I chose to love and try to understand him as my first priority. It may seem contradictory to ideas of physical safety etc. And I’m not saying ignore that aspect - I’m suggesting you maybe write down your top 5 priorities (I had 3) for the next 6 months. It helps to not sweat the smaller stuff.

I’m sorry you’re having such a nightmare with your daughter. It ain’t easy but sadly there’s no quick fixes. I think it’s great she’s able to hold down a job as my son was non functioning. But he is now!

Stay strong. I think you’re doing marvellously.

LP

[Lollypop]

Hey moana

I took quite a time listing my top three priorities. If I was going to put all my energy into them I felt they needed to be critical and also achievable. They related to me, not my son - if that makes sense.

1. Improve my core relationship with my son.

I missed him. He found it so difficult to be around me. Our relationship wasn’t a healthy one. It was up to me to change and try to improve it. Son wasn’t stable and could not think straight. All we did was react to each other. I stopped that cycle by having a healthier and more respectful relationship.

2. Teach my son financial management skills.

This was mainly for us. All our savings had gone. We had a 24 year old son reeling from dx and seriously depressed. His executive functioning skills were limited - but he could buy weed every day. He needed to earn his own money, so he would respect it and better manage it himself. We understood our enabling behaviour was making us all miserable and that our main job was to get him to learn how. If he failed, we’d feel responsible for him forever and that is not acceptable because one day we will die.

3. Get him to live independently.

Again, for us. We were not prepared to have an adult son live with us until we die. Whatever way he found to make money himself, then that would determine what kind of life he’d lead. Even if he was only able to cope with a basic job like collecting supermarket trolleys, he had to build his own life around that.  If he was physically fit, then he could dig a hole.

Truth. Keeping truth close to me, helped me stay the course.

Unitidy room? Debts? Drug use? Late nights? Laziness around the house?  None of these were worth my energy because I’d tried all of that before and failed. Not small stuff, but smaller stuff than my key priorities. I couldn’t expect him to grow in all ways - progress isn’t linear.

It took him 3 1/2 weeks to sort out 1 days casual labour. I drove him to work and back - gladly. It gave me An ideal opportunity to re-connect talking about nothing important.

Focussing on the core relationship, allowed my son to relax and breathe around me. That was my first baby step.

Stopping the money while providing free bed and board, giving him a stable platform while he learnt to manage his cash was critical.

I didn’t share my priorities with him.

I walked alongside him when he failed, encouraged him to get back up and try again. I discovered it takes him 5-6 attempts at most things for him to learn.

Thoughts?

LP

[Moana]

Thank you so much for this LP, it really helps to put things in perspective for me. I am still trying to "fix" the small stuff (which as you said, isn't really small) - sleeping all day, marijuana use, questionable friends, car use, etc. and it is straining our relationship. I had to chuckle when you mentioned poor executive function skills but can manage to get weed everyday, that is our life here as well, amazing the things they can figure out when they want to.

Do you mind if I ask if your son has ever been suicidal and if so how you handled that? I feel like keeping my DD alive is my first priority along with trying to find the correct treatment for her and that is often at odds with other priorities such as our relationship and her independence as she is resistant to getting help and is still mostly blaming us and others for all her difficulties.

Thanks again for sharing your approach and I hope things continue to improve with you son.

[Lollypop]

Hi moana

Yes, suicidal thoughts and an empty hole in his chest at the very worst times. He said I just can’t seem to find a way to fill it”. This was at his worst. I still have fears when he becomes unstable. Always from something external, left alone, quietly he manages. Is he happy, no. Is he ok, yes.

I read here once a dad say “if you kill yourself then it’ll be the worst day of my life but I’ll cope, I’ll be able to live the best I can”.  It resonated and I used that very phrase once. I’ve no idea what the affect it had in son, it made me feel better though because it’s the truth.

Treatment is a biggy. Committed and in the right situation can make such a positive difference. Sadly for us, son28 refused as he had no faith in the professionals - he knows more than them, they are useless. If I were him, given his experience so far - I’d feel the same. I believe for treatment to work then they must be committed and for the right reasons. My son self medicates. Weed, actually it’s the strongest of skunk he can find, is his way of coping. If he can function, if he can live independently - then So be it.

Resistance is normal with BPD. We do a merry dance around them. We try to justify, argue, defend or explain. This is pointless, we are trying to communicate with an emotionally undeveloped young adult who takes mind altering drugs.

It’s time to get clever. Make ourselves emotionally distant by getting practical and stoic.

Go with your gut, once you’ve read about BPD. Really reflect on priorities. It’s not easy I know. This forum will help you as all of us can relate to something you’re going through. Stay the course here and don’t give up. She needs you, although there may be times when you have to step away for sold preservation. You must come first. 

LP

[Lollypop]

Hi moana

Yes, suicidal thoughts and an empty hole in his chest at the very worst times. He said I just can’t seem to find a way to fill it”. This was at his worst. I still have fears when he becomes unstable. Always from something external, left alone, quietly he manages. Is he happy, no. Is he ok, yes.

I read here once a dad say “if you kill yourself then it’ll be the worst day of my life but I’ll cope, I’ll be able to live the best I can”.  It resonated and I used that very phrase once. I’ve no idea what the affect it had in son, it made me feel better though because it’s the truth.

Treatment is a biggy. Committed and in the right situation can make such a positive difference. Sadly for us, son28 refused as he had no faith in the professionals - he knows more than them, they are useless. If I were him, given his experience so far - I’d feel the same. I believe for treatment to work then they must be committed and for the right reasons. My son self medicates. Weed, actually it’s the strongest of skunk he can find, is his way of coping. If he can function, if he can live independently - then So be it.

Resistance is normal with BPD. We do a merry dance around them. We try to justify, argue, defend or explain. This is pointless, we are trying to communicate with an emotionally undeveloped young adult who takes mind altering drugs. Somebody that doesn’t want to grow up. They are fearful and resist responsibility.

It’s time to get clever. Make ourselves emotionally distant by getting practical and stoic.

Go with your gut, once you’ve read about BPD. Really reflect on priorities. It’s not easy I know. This forum will help you as all of us can relate to something you’re going through. Stay the course here and don’t give up. She needs you, although there may be times when you have to step away for self preservation. You must come first - even though it seems counter intuitive.

LP

[Lollypop]

Oops. I reied. I replied and edited. Goodness knows which is which!

Sorry. 

Got to keep a sense of humour, difficult when the world is on our shoulders!

[Mirsa]

Hi there, 

such a tough situation and my heart bleeds for you.  My DD17 also uses mental health and threats to self-harm as a way to get me to give her what she wants.  She cuts herself, which is really hard to watch. 

After 2-3 years of this, I realized that it was a never-ending manipulative cycle that kept ME trapped.   I began to say the same thing that Lollypop read, that if my daughter harms herself, I will be terribly sad.  But we are each given a life.  This is MY life and I choose to live it to it's fullest.  If she kills herself, I will be sad.  But I will also find a way to be happy.  Happiness is a choice and I want happiness for myself.  I deserve it, and God wants it for me too.  She has her own free will and if she chooses to discard the precious life that has been given to her, that is certainly her choice. 

The nice thing about her being a young adult is that I feel less responsible for her now.  She has choices.  I have choices.  I choose to be happy and I hope she does as well. 

Namaste.