Recently broke up from my BPD and a bit vulnerable

[Supertrouper]

I broke it off with my BPD partner yesterday after he just starting to split. The main trigger for me was his twisted distortion of something that we both had experienced and i just couldn’t believe it, my eyes were then opened. I had not seen it before, he distorted facts but these were mainly facts that affected him and obviously ones i wasnt privy to, but this was a fact i knew about. It was the strangest feeling i got, then i just had to finish it, the story is on bettering a relationship but that has changed.

I need to detach for me. I had said to myself that the only way i would contemplate going back to him now would be if he was seriously in therapy, and i have my doubts he would do that, which is another reason why i am here.

I am sitting here just gone 8.30pm, children have gone to friends for the night, i havent told them what has happened. So i am alone, its quiet, im crying because i miss him as normally we would be out or just coming back, and im also crying because i wanna know why he just couldn’t have just been normal. Writing this has distracted me but ive got a few hours till bed.

I think i may find this tough. This is our 5th break up and the only one i have initiated. He has done the previous break ups, he then calls the day after or pops round to see if we can be friends and stupidly with hindsight i have said yes everytime, mainly to keep the peace and obviously to keep his attachment. But i have had nothing. Its a little comfort as i would be so desperate to text him back, so i cant. A little of me wants him to text and a little of me doesn’t want him to.

Im just waffling to pass the time but im sure i will need support in the coming days, weeks or months.

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[Mindfried]

It is a struggle and not easy to get through. I went through constant break-ups and make-ups over a 4 year period. She always initiated the break-ups and would text a few days or weeks later to get back. I always went back and felt I loved her deeply. If you can stay out and go NC it does get better with time and in the long run I have been much better off. Life is now more peaceful. It has been 7 months to the day and although I think of her daily and some days miss her I know I could never go back to a life of turmoil. Hang in there. You know in your heart what the answers to all your questions.

[once removed]

I broke it off with my BPD partner yesterday after he just starting to split. The main trigger for me was his twisted distortion of something that we both had experienced and i just couldn’t believe it, my eyes were then opened. I had not seen it before, he distorted facts but these were mainly facts that affected him and obviously ones i wasnt privy to, but this was a fact i knew about. It was the strangest feeling i got, then i just had to finish it, the story is on bettering a relationship but that has changed.

so what happened? what was the argument about?

[SunandMoon]

Hi Supertrouper   I just wanted to give you a hug!

I've read your story and, although things seem to have come to a head now, it doesn't sound like it's been good for a while - mostly complicated by his drinking.

I think you've already been pushing for change for a while when you set the boundary of not letting him come over when he's drunk. That's a reasonable boundary and I would have done the same. I've been there, and being baited and verbally abused by a drunk does nothing good for a relationship.

The final straw for you seems to have been his twisting of the truth around your agreement about Christmas. Is that correct?

You sound calm and sensible in your posts so I'm sure you realise that you were backed into a no-win situation over Christmas and that you are now being blamed for it. Do you think he is going into victim mode based on his past trauma around Christmas?

What do you hope to achieve by breaking up? Do you want to force change? Or do you think 5 years is enough and it's time to move on?

Sending you strength x

[Supertrouper]

Hi once removed, there was no argument. He was just distant and blamed me for not listening, then went on about the xmas thing and blaming me again. It was as SunandMoon said, it was the realisation of that twisted version of xmas, when i have tried so hard in the past to include him and/or give him space over that period to accommodate his anxiety about it, that i just had to snap out of the situation.

Im not sure about the victim mode but looking back we broke up last Feb 21st as well, so it may be the timing.

As to all your last questions, probably want to do all of them at the moment. I need time to look after myself, the constant push/pull has drained me. I would love to force change, but the only change i can see that would work for me now or at the moment would be for him to get some therapy, and im doubtful he would do that. He did curtail his drinking round me, for a little while anyway. A thought has just come in my head that maybe he wants to just go a drinking session every day so had to push me away so he could do this, due to my boundary. He is allowed to drink. He doesnt like rules, he has said that and doesnt like mine.  So really that leaves the five years is enough one. But then that makes me sad. So i feel im just not ready to make any decision yet, so i will just look after myself and stay silent.

Thanks for the hug, i need one.

[Supertrouper]

Now i think about the victim mode, i think he wants attention from negative things and he doesnt like it when he doesnt get the attention.

I remember the sunday before he went away, he came round mine, thats when he broke my boundary of no drinking. He said he had been talking to two of his friends in the pub, i know of them, and he said that he had been told off by them. I asked why and he said because of me, they were sticking up for me. I asked him what did they say THREE times, and he didnt answer either time. So my conclusion was that he had been devaluing me to get attention but it backfired on him. So yes, he could well have done the same thing about this xmas thing but the twisted version was too much for me. Yes, no doubt he is getting lots of sympathy from his friends about the xmas thing and probably even more so now. But i will get my turn at some point to tell the truth and it will all backfire on him again.

Beyond my understanding, i dont do victim mode at all, never have and never will. I ask for support not sympathy.  I just still have this nagging doubt he has planned it all but then i remember how nice he was the weeks before. My brain is everywhere at present.

[Supertrouper]

I feel like im going to struggle today not to contact him. The caring side of me wants to know if he is ok. The hurt side of me wants to know why he hasnt said anything at all. The rational calmer side of me knows that im in the devaluation zone and it would be pointless contacting him. The rational side of me also knows that i need to leave him be so that i can detach. But i will struggle and i will have to keep busy.

[Supertrouper]

Yes im struggling. Struggling to keep from contacting him. Struggling with my emotions, questioning what i did, the anger in me, the breaking up, did i do the right thing? I have guilty feelings, sad feelings, i know i did what was best feelings but im feeling worse because he hasnt contacted me at all, even angrily.  I would have. I guess it probably is because i havent had any real closure, not had my say properly about how i felt. Sorry just writing it down, might make sense to me one day.

[Supertrouper]

Hi, ive calmed down now. I wont contact him, he will either answer or not for more drama and im fed up of drama, normal life is enough drama for me. I sometimes forget the reactions they want out of you, they just catch you unawares. Unfortunately he got the hostility and i do regret that and i will try not to do it again.  Im usually pretty good at not being hostile from 5 years of practice but his splitting came from nowhere, i was completely unprepared.

For now, the ball is in his court to contact me. The boundary of therapy will always be there so that is up to him also. My life is not going on hold because of whats happened, whatever happens in the future.

I still feel that i should be on the detaching board as i know that he will not contact me while he is in devaluation mode but im quite happy to stay here for a while.

[Supertrouper]

Ive had a lot of time thinking today.

Ive just remembered my exh used to distort reality and blame me for things as well. However he never said them directly to me but to other people, ie told our divorce lawyer that his business loan that he had taken out was a home improvements loan that i had arranged under his name. That was to get me to pay half and also the guilt that his business had gone bust. He distorted reality and blamed me a few times to hide his own guilt.

Now of course i am thinking that my BPD partner has distorted the reality about xmas and blamed me because he now feels guilty. But guilty about what i dont know. Possibly because he suggested it in the first place?

[Supertrouper]

Sorry for all the posts, its keeping me busy. I have just looked at my diaries for why the last 4 break ups occurred. I can say that they are possibly triggered by me, , not directly most of the time but a possible but they have always been about him acting up and running away from his own guilt, that he feels about a situation, of course after blaming me for the whole situation. I always said it was like he was running away but he denied it.

So am i right in thinking that their own guilt and shame is playing a big part in these acting out situations, anger situations and distorted reality situations to shift the guilt and possibly as well with all the other BPD behaviours.

So technically and with regret i have probably made my BPD partner feel more guilty now about what has happened over the last few days. Something to think about. I wont write so much tomorrow.

[Supertrouper]

Hi i had a dilemma. My friend has just told me that the 50th birthday we will be going to will be in a pub that partner usually goes to, not the only one. They didnt know that we had parted so was unaware hiw difficult it might be for me. As there are a few of us, it would be difficult to change.

So as i still would like to go i thought i would just give a heads-up to partner, in the hopes for just a couple of hours, he would just go to the other pub, that he prefers anyway,  so that there would be no scene. I know i would get hostility , that would be expected, so i kept it brief. I texted ‘just letting you know that i will be in the pub on sat for a couple of hours for a friends party. ‘

Maybe too brief but i thought he would get the message and stay away, which he usually would and has done in the past. No i got sarcasm and im so disappointed in you. Ooh. Well i texted back, ‘as i was in you when you lied about me which hurt. However i will be in the pub on sat for a few hours whether you are there or not. After that you will never see me in there or never hear from me again.’

That was the wrong thing to say. He then asked if we could please have a final conversation so that we would be able to have both our needs met amiably.

Im not sure what he means, i would just like to go to this friends birthday party without any grief. We will talk about what happened no doubt, and i can bet he will ask to stay friends. Apart from that i just need a break from him and hopefully he will be ok with that.

[Supertrouper]

Well he called me and i didnt get chance to speak. He asked me what he had lied about, i said the thing about xmas and then he just twisted it into another version. I stayed quiet. He said he would stay away on sat, why didnt he just say that in the first place, we wouldnt have had to talk at all then. Then he wanted to make sure i wouldnt go in there anymore. And i wont when i know he will or possibly may be in there.

Then he just said, im not interested in seeing you anymore, delete my number. I just said yes and he said goodbye.

I gather i should be on the detaching board now.

[once removed]

I gather i should be on the detaching board now.

its best to wait until youve been about a month out, and are actively working the stages of grief.

the two of you have a history of make up/break up cycles, a high number of them.

so youre really at a critical juncture here. with each make up/break up cycle, the relationship is increasingly damaged, and it gets harder to rebuild. if you want to save your relationship, you will need a very different game plan.

if you want to breakup, how you go about it will still matter to you years from now, even when all the pain is removed. so next steps are important.

and if youre not sure? you really need a "first do no harm" approach.

at the end of the day, the approach doesnt look much different, no matter what you decide.

[Supertrouper]

Hi, i think it is beyond repair now. He is not interested anymore in me.  How can i save a relationship when one person is not interested. What is my game plan now?

Do you honestly think he would recycle, i abandoned him. Although i feel that he has just broke it off with me, which feels a bit weird.

What should i do either way then?

[Supertrouper]

What game plan do i need to keep the relationship. What should i be doing now, apart from looking after myself.

What is the first do no harm approach?

[once removed]

the two of you are tit for tatting.

before we can make things better, we have to stop making them worse.

you got mad at him and broke up with him over it, when you werent quite sure its what you wanted (perhaps you were at the time). the two of you are still fighting about it.

what happened there is not clear to me.

The main trigger for me was his twisted distortion of something that we both had experienced
... .
He was just distant and blamed me for not listening, then went on about the xmas thing and blaming me again.

what actually happened? it sounds like "something" happened, the two of you have a different version of events, and you are fighting about it. how important is it to you that he sees the event your way?

calling him and warning him that the two of you were going to be in the same place, expecting him not to be there, was probably not the best move. i can understand why you did, but it would be smoother to be able to get along in person, or for you to not attend. the two of you have been together for a long time. some space may be necessary, but you need not hide from each other.

No i got sarcasm and im so disappointed in you. Ooh. Well i texted back, ‘as i was in you when you lied about me which hurt. However i will be in the pub on sat for a few hours whether you are there or not. After that you will never see me in there or never hear from me again.’

this is what i mean by tit for tat. it looks like "im mad at you". "well im mad at you back". neither party is listening when this is the case.

[Supertrouper]

Hi, i see what you mean. I tried to tell him about sat because if id have just turned up that would hsve been worse.

On the thurs, he said previously he would call me but he didnt. So again i had to call him. He called back and then was offish. I just asked him why did you not want to talk to me. He said he did but that i didnt listen, that speaking once a week is not enough for a relationship while he is away. I listened to him saying this quietly and i agreed with him. Then i just asked him if he needed some space, and he asked me what did i think, i then said, no i asked you what did you want to do. He difnt answer. Then he went on about listening again which i agreed with, then he started on about the xmas thing. First he said thst i knew that he didnt like xmas, and i said i know, then he went into the distorted version of it. Tbh i was more scared than anything because that is first real sign i hsve had of his brain craziness within the moment. Then i tried to correct his version, he said something i couldnt really hear, then he said goodbye.

To be called a liar when i didnt lie is not good. He wouldnt like it either.

[Supertrouper]

Once removed, the reason i let him know about sat was because one time when he was dysregulated before and he didnt want to turn up for a meal with me and friends and he said thats because he thought i didnt want him thete. It was totally untrue and i was waiting for him to arrive and he didn’t. The day after that we had arranged to go to a pub with the same friends snd him. We werent sure if he was going as he never said, so myself and my friends arrived unsnnounced as such as he was in there. I got shouted at, why was i in there, my friends tried to defend me as thry had heard what went on the evening before, then i got cslled a c@&t. I left after that. My ftiends were furious and havent really spoken to him properly since then. So i did not want a repeat of that.

[Supertrouper]

Your right once removed, i didnt really want to break up. Maybe my brain and body just needed a break because i could see his dysregulation happening again and my brain and body is tired from it and along with just normal life too. It wasnt the right move but i just kept doing it.

When my exh left, it took me 3 yrs to get to a strong place in myself, and thats when i met my BPD partner. His dysreguations never affected me in the first two years, i knew he needed space, i gave it to him and we talked a bit more then. I did not suspect he had BPD then. It was after the break up number 3, after 2 1/2 years that i suspected something and i found out within that 6 mths of that break up that it could possibly be BPD. From May 2016 to now, he has worn me down. I would never rage at anyone and now i do, i am constantly tired unless he is away working, i am so emotional, that may be hormones nearing 50, but i never let them get the better of me. I am at least 50% less strong emotionally, physically snd mentally than i was 5 years ago. So maybe i need a break.

I feel so horrible for saying this but i will miss him but i know that now that i cannot contact him, i will get some breathing space for me, that sounds so selfish, but for 5 yrs, eith my children and my BPD partner, i havent had any. I was always made to feel guilty about how selfish i was if i took time out for me, more so if he wasnt busy and i didnt spend every minute with him. I think the problem is that i was never selfish enough.

[Supertrouper]

I know the break up will give me time to recover a bit but im sad to think that he probably thinks i never really loved him. Im not sure if he will care either way at the moment.

[SunandMoon]

It's really sad Supertrouper. I do understand why you told him you would be at the pub. It would be horrible to have him dysregulate and make a scene at your friend's birthday party.

You have to ask yourself if that is how you want to be treated. Called a c@#t in front of friends (or in private, if it comes to that!) Some space in which he will hopefully reflect on how he treats you would probably be good.

Space in this case means no or low contact; not engaging in more tit for tat arguments.

I think the chances are high that you will recycle but you need to ask yourself: at what cost? Are you prepared to continue to be "fitted in" around his drinking time?

He asked me what he had lied about, i said the thing about xmas and then he just twisted it into another version

What was this version?

[Supertrouper]

Thanks for understanding sunandmoon.

His new version was first of all telling me it was still my idea, even though i suggested it in 2016, not this last year. Then he then went onto say that HE had suggested it because he knew that I would spend loads of money on my children and that he was trying to save me money, as that is what he always tries to do. Im still confused what this is all about really. He is giving mixed messages and versions about it and i cant work out what it is really all about.

What makes you think he will recycle. I broke up with him, a different situation for him, hes the one who does the breaking up usually. Also, im not allowed to contact him, he asked me to delete his number as he wasn’t interested in me anymore.

Most of the time he was  nice, i can say he was overly offensive that one time in five years, but that still sticks in my brain. You are right, i always felt a second priority to his drinking. Although when he did put me first above it, it was good and we had a good time. If he does recycle, i need to be strong which ever way i decide to go. It is sad though.

[Supertrouper]

Just remembered something else he said. He said that at xmas that i would get presents from my parents and family and tgat he wouldnt get any. Now he said this in 2016, when i suggested no present buying due to his financial situation at the yime but because he said this, then i bought him presents and he did the same. 2017 xmas, no mention of buying or not buying presents, we just did. Then 2018, he suggests, well tells me that we are not buying xmas presents and even confirmed it, and saying it was my wish, but this was from 2016. He instigated and confirmed the non present buying. But why? I dont think he has financial issues, hes just spent a fortune on a car.

[Supertrouper]

I had a good day yesterday but the evening not so as i then didnt feel really bothered about cooking dinner, but i did. But then i couldnt be bothered to wash up, so i left it. I had a few glasses of wine while reading and i know i will have to curb that. It is an effort at the moment but i know i will be okay, ive had plenty of practice at detaching.

I know snd understand that myself and my partner never reslly learn anything from our break ups, i learn a little bit more of how to not respond badly but that does fail, so ive got to learn more, because we just go back to the same place. Ive started reading lessons on Radical Acceptance, and admit i should have read them ages ago, i bought the DBT book a while ago. Does anyone have guidelines on what else i could be reading right now?

[Harri]

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