Help - GF thinks that I am not the right person suddenly

[Depression = 72% of members]

I stumbled onto this website. My relationship with my girlfriend has been characterised by almost everything I have read to be the symptoms/signs of BPD. I am feeling extremely helpless because she has (almost) out of nowhere threw me into the thrash.

We have been dating for 2 years. The wrinkle in this is that we are doing long-distance. We met while I was studying abroad in NYC and dated for 8 months before moving back home (24 hours plane ride away). Our biggest problem is that (1) she has problems being honest (and she recognised it eventually) and (2) I am an a generally insecure person. This has triggered a cycle of me finding out that she lied and then me becoming more insecure, and then she lying even more. Personally, I have my own issues because I invaded her privacy and found that people have been flirting with her aggressively and she did bother to set boundaries with them, this put me in a constant torment as she would consistently lie about it, and then when I breach her privacy, it will be the end of the world.

Last July/August was the biggest breakdown. We had issues of me being insecure and her feeling restrained. I consulted my friends about this and our objective view is that the certain ground rules we set were not overwhelming, for example, if she were going out late at night, we agreed that she will tell me about it. As part of her BPD, she could always agree at the moment we talk and always back out as and when she feels like (chronic breaking promises - she believed in it at the time of making the promise) and are able to justify it, and when I call her out on it, i became the complete bad guy, who makes her life worse in every single possible way.

When I visited her last july, she left me literally on the streets when I asked to see her. I realise she was already seeing other guys before breaking up with me. She almost called the cops on me, and completely devalued me. I had to go through an intense - and very intense 2 months - of cajoling, getting silent treatment, see her out with other guys. The turning point was when I literally ran into her with one of her exes and I thought that that was it - and for the first time, the power balance shifted to me and she came begging. It wasn't after 2 months of intense hard work that I got her back.

Things were going fine from August to January - in fact better after our break up. Fast forward to 2 weeks ago. She went into a zone where she was triggered very easily. Little things will make her blow her top and she would give me silent treatment. One day, one of the triggers cause her to completely disappear and she told me (1) she does not see us as a priority anymore, (2) she is very very unhappy. When I told her to give us a week to reset and get back to normal, that didn't help. When she is in a zone of unhappiness and I don't pull her back out, every single unhappy thing in the past will come back to haunt her. That was what happened. She brought up every single thing (that we have resolved) and told me that she thinks I have made her too miserable and she absolutely cannot feel or think or remember our happy moments and that she doesnt want to try anymore, she doesnt want to give me a chance.

I told her that a long distance is so wildly different from any relationship where we see each other face to face and so I told her to decide on the break up only after she visits me in mid march and then decide at the end of the trip. She said okay. The problem is that now she is constantly cold. In the past, she has completely switched. There is no hot and cold - it is just cold. The only time it became mildly lukewarm was when I told her yesterday that I will let her go and with that I think she felt like I was ready to let go and the power shifted to me (like last july/august). She called me and chatted and smiled/laugh for the first time in 2 weeks. When I woke up today, it was back to square one. No replies, or one word reply.

We have 32 days until she comes to visit (and as you know, this is not even close to any certainty). The constant cold treatment is literally killing me and destroying me. I don't know what to do, i don't know what to say, I don't know what she is thinking. Please help me.

[sadboy92]

I stumbled onto this website. My relationship with my girlfriend has been characterised by almost everything I have read to be the symptoms/signs of BPD. I am feeling extremely helpless because she has (almost) out of nowhere threw me into the thrash.

We have been dating for 2 years. The wrinkle in this is that we are doing long-distance. We met while I was studying abroad in NYC and dated for 8 months before moving back home (24 hours plane ride away). Our biggest problem is that (1) she has problems being honest (and she recognised it eventually) and (2) I am an a generally insecure person. This has triggered a cycle of me finding out that she lied and then me becoming more insecure, and then she lying even more. Personally, I have my own issues because I invaded her privacy and found that people have been flirting with her aggressively and she did bother to set boundaries with them, this put me in a constant torment as she would consistently lie about it, and then when I breach her privacy, it will be the end of the world.

Last July/August was the biggest breakdown. We had issues of me being insecure and her feeling restrained. I consulted my friends about this and our objective view is that the certain ground rules we set were not overwhelming, for example, if she were going out late at night, we agreed that she will tell me about it. As part of her BPD, she could always agree at the moment we talk and always back out as and when she feels like (chronic breaking promises - she believed in it at the time of making the promise) and are able to justify it, and when I call her out on it, i became the complete bad guy, who makes her life worse in every single possible way.

When I visited her last july, she left me literally on the streets when I asked to see her. I realise she was already seeing other guys before breaking up with me. She almost called the cops on me, and completely devalued me. I had to go through an intense - and very intense 2 months - of cajoling, getting silent treatment, see her out with other guys. The turning point was when I literally ran into her with one of her exes and I thought that that was it - and for the first time, the power balance shifted to me and she came begging. It wasn't after 2 months of intense hard work that I got her back.

Things were going fine from August to January - in fact better after our break up. Fast forward to 2 weeks ago. She went into a zone where she was triggered very easily. Little things will make her blow her top and she would give me silent treatment. One day, one of the triggers cause her to completely disappear and she told me (1) she does not see us as a priority anymore, (2) she is very very unhappy. When I told her to give us a week to reset and get back to normal, that didn't help. When she is in a zone of unhappiness and I don't pull her back out, every single unhappy thing in the past will come back to haunt her. That was what happened. She brought up every single thing (that we have resolved) and told me that she thinks I have made her too miserable and she absolutely cannot feel or think or remember our happy moments and that she doesnt want to try anymore, she doesnt want to give me a chance.

I told her that a long distance is so wildly different from any relationship where we see each other face to face and so I told her to decide on the break up only after she visits me in mid march and then decide at the end of the trip. She said okay. The problem is that now she is constantly cold. In the past, she has completely switched. There is no hot and cold - it is just cold. The only time it became mildly lukewarm was when I told her yesterday that I will let her go and with that I think she felt like I was ready to let go and the power shifted to me (like last july/august). She called me and chatted and smiled/laugh for the first time in 2 weeks. When I woke up today, it was back to square one. No replies, or one word reply.

We have 32 days until she comes to visit (and as you know, this is not even close to any certainty). The constant cold treatment is literally killing me and destroying me. I don't know what to do, i don't know what to say, I don't know what she is thinking. Please help me.

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[loyalwife]

Hi Sadboy92,

     I'm glad you found your way to this site. You are exactly where you should be and the help you need is here. I am so sorry about your girlfriend and know that you are feeling hurt, and isolated.  The hot/cold cycle is just part of the push/pull, which you experienced when you had the power and drew away. One minute she loves you/the next minute not. Sometimes it can feel like a heartless game, without an outcome; just more of the same.
     You've got 32 days until you see her again, have you thought about NC (no contact) until then. Without announcing it to her, just be unavailable when she calls or texts. It might be the best way to take control once again. If the NC doesn't faze her, then perhaps you will have your answer. When my husband gave me the silent treatment and devaluation to the point that he was on a road trip spurned by rage (cutting off electricity, phones and filing for divorce), I stopped contact. His texts stopped for awhile, and then he came back (switched). I took the power back, as you have in the past with her.
     Now, in the interim, take care of you. It hurts, but be gentle with yourself. Read all you can about BPD which will help you understand that cold treatment is part of the disorder. It's not you, it's her. You aren't making her unhappy, she's just unhappy. I'm going through it too. The only person you can change is yourself, and in doing so it helps them. You've had the power all along, just take it back and be strong. Wishing you the best.

[sadboy92]

Hi Loyalwife

Thank you for replying. You have no idea how much better I felt after reading your message and knowing that I am not alone.

I have thought about no contact but there are times when she told me - out of sight out of mind. And if I truly did NC, i’m not sure if she will still take the flight in 32 days to see me. It’s kind of a big risk... .will it still work if I am not as responsive instead if entirely NC? Or is there any other suggestion?

Right now, when I wait for her replies - I know I shouldn’t and I’m trying to work in myself - it’s the most tormenting thing and little things can make me tear so easily. Just want to know the best way forward dealing with myself and my interaction with her.

[loyalwife]

Dear sadboy92,

   You can consider LC (low contact). When she texts you, reply courteously, but without a lot of emotion. Take a cue from her. She may initially be cold for awhile, but her curiosity will get the best of her. Be vague and not too needy. Let her do some of the texting instead of you. You can be nice and thoughtful without opening the door too much. It's tough not to reply right away, sit on your hands  (I've had to do that).
    Chances are, she will come to visit you. Now that you are learning what you can do to take care of yourself, you will be ready. It takes a lot of emotional strength to be in a relationship with someone that has BPD. It's not okay to be abused, you don't deserve it. No matter what becomes of your relationship, you will be okay, as long as you remember to take care of yourself.
     

[sadboy92]

Hi Loyalwife

So there is another wrinkle in this episode. This weekend is president’s day holiday weekend. There is an opportunity for me to fly her to where I am for 2 days.

She made it vv clear that she will do it only because i want to and not because she want to go, i.e. she doesnt want to go. She says she is v unhappy and v sure that I am not the one and she also got mad when I said that nothing really triggered her this time and her response is that I am so entitled and privileged to want a logical response - and i can’t even say, isn’t that normal for me to want answers since i literally don’t know what pulled the rug under my feet. Anyway the point that she is willing to go for me and i’m thinking what if things change face to face and it’s only fair I gave it a shot? In my mind, the only bad thing is that might just go and have a complete wall for the whole 2 days - just to prove that, yeah you made me come, i’m showing you how unhappy I am, you satisfied now?

What should i do? Should i get her to come?

[Ozzie101]

Hi sadboy92!

It is very difficult to deal with a situation when a loved one pulls out like this and I feel for you. It sounds, though, that she's being very clear that she doesn't want to come for the visit. You say things might be different face to face and that's true, but by convincing her or buying the ticket for her despite what she's saying to you, you may be invalidating her feelings. (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating)

I echo loyalwife. The best approach here may be to not push things. Step back a bit. Let her sort through some things for herself. And, in the meantime, work on you. Familiarize yourself with the tools on this site. If it's possible for you, it might be a good idea to seek out a therapist who has familiarity with BPD relationships.