my uBPDh periodically flips

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Many of us here on these boards are walking a similar journey.  Perhaps we are at different stages of the walk, but they are all so similar.

Consider the advice below that Babyducks gave me earlier this morning.

I would suggest you focus your time and energy on your daughter, not on your wife.

That should look and sound very similar to what Notwendy shared.

I was desperate enough to walk into a 12 step meeting, get a sponsor. Every time I said "my H did this" she turned the mirror on me. I was the problem.

Do you see the similarities?  

Your going along with this is enabling it at the expense of the security you wish for.

Do you understand the point about trading something for "security".  In your case it appears you are trading the ability to stand up to your husband for (house, healthcare, kids activities... etc etc)

 he would decide that her wants were unreasonable, but in time, he wore down. She knew just what to do to get her way and she did it.

Think about that.  Your husband knows how to wear your down.  You know how he will do it.

What will YOU do differently this time?

He couldn't stand up to her.

Or didn't.  Or chose not to?  

Listen again to the stories.  Notwendy finally got to the place where she stood up... she was desperate.

I got to that place... .and made big changes.  Although as you can see... .I still need to be reminded to take my focus off my wife... and onto other things.

My wife is going to do... what she is going to do.

But his day to day focus was only on one thing- my mother.

What are you going to focus on today?

 saw how his co-dependency led him to focus only on my mother, allowing her disordered thinking to lead our family.

What influence will YOU have on the future of your family?

FF

And you are the only one who can choose to do that.

[formflier]

Many of us here on these boards are walking a similar journey.  Perhaps we are at different stages of the walk, but they are all so similar.

Consider the advice below that Babyducks gave me earlier this morning.

I would suggest you focus your time and energy on your daughter, not on your wife.

That should look and sound very similar to what Notwendy shared.

I was desperate enough to walk into a 12 step meeting, get a sponsor. Every time I said "my H did this" she turned the mirror on me. I was the problem.

Do you see the similarities?  

Your going along with this is enabling it at the expense of the security you wish for.

Do you understand the point about trading something for "security".  In your case it appears you are trading the ability to stand up to your husband for (house, healthcare, kids activities... etc etc)

 he would decide that her wants were unreasonable, but in time, he wore down. She knew just what to do to get her way and she did it.

Think about that.  Your husband knows how to wear your down.  You know how he will do it.

What will YOU do differently this time?

He couldn't stand up to her.

Or didn't.  Or chose not to?  

Listen again to the stories.  Notwendy finally got to the place where she stood up... she was desperate.

I got to that place... .and made big changes.  Although as you can see... .I still need to be reminded to take my focus off my wife... and onto other things.

My wife is going to do... what she is going to do.

But his day to day focus was only on one thing- my mother.

What are you going to focus on today?

 saw how his co-dependency led him to focus only on my mother, allowing her disordered thinking to lead our family.

What influence will YOU have on the future of your family?

FF

And you are the only one who can choose to do that.

[snowglobe]

Do you have to pay each time or do they bill you?

Perhaps you can explain what is going on and send your husband the unpaid bills. 

Realize this is manipulation to "make" you sell the home.  He likely realizes it will be easier without a "t" giving you healthy advice.

What does he know about your visits to the T.

FF

Dear add,
The medical system in my country works in two ways- we have an access to emergency services through general insurance. The “paramedic” services; which include chiropractic treatment, psychologist, therapist, massage therapy has a cap on it. Under such terms, we have a) deductibles b) limit, on how much one can adress the issues.
With my limit being exhausted ( not a calendar year, but 12 months, I’ve seen my T weekly last year), and my uBPDh not giving me money, I have no way of obtaining psychological help, other then going through a lengthy process, through a general medical coverage. It will likely result in a wait list and prolonged waiting, but there aren’t any other options. My uBPDh wasn’t fully aware that I was seeking help for myself. He only knew if several visits, under impression that I was dealing with our son’s issues. In the past, when I swelled help and he was aware of that, he was calling me crazy, saying that I have nothing to do, culturally, it’s unacceptable, there are all kinds of diragatory insults and suggestions being made. Seeking help is viewed as a sign of weakness and character flaw.
He is likely doing that to force me into the sale. My other option includes gaining an employment so I can continue paying for mortgage.

[formflier]

He is likely doing that to force me into the sale.

Does he have that power?

If he does... .who has given him the power?
FF

[snowglobe]

Does he have that power?

If he does... .who has given him the power?
FF

Hmm, maybe he doesn’t have the power to force me, but to make my life so difficult that I will comply with the sale?. Which brings me to the perplexed part, of all he wants is to be loved, admired and worshiped, why threaten to leave, and make my life miserable? As a hypothetical scenario; he does something that would potentially put me in a position that I would rather sell then loose everything (unlikely), he will need to give me half, that much I know. He will also loose me. This would be the final bastion. Then why do it? Why try and financially rape me all the time? Why verbally assault me? Why emotionally torture me with silent treatments, if that contradicts his end goal- being loved, noticed and respected?. Hi says he wants to prove to me that love is conditional, to push the envelope to see when I will break? That’s very worrisome end goal. No, I won’t sell the house, no he doesn’t have the power, yes I have the options

[babyducks]

Take a couple of deep breaths.   Really.    In through your nose and hold it, then blow out through your mouth.     Seriously.   Do it.   Do it a couple of time.    Slow your racing thoughts.    Center yourself.    Look at what is going on right this very minute.    right this very second.     Right this very minute the house isn't for sale.    You are safe.    Try and relax.

Focus.    Focus on your wise mind.   Concentrate on stopping the panic response.

Why verbally assault me?

Why allow him to verbally assault you?   Why respond to his disordered thinking?    Why try to coax, cajole, persaude him to act in certain ways?   Why continue to hold on to the magical thinking that he will act any other way than he has for the last how many months?

Serious question,   who is responsible for you being verbally assaulted?    Is it 100% him?    50% him?   25% him?

And the T said " YOU have a problem"  and the problem was co-dependency. I then had a "label" for my father and saw how his co-dependency led him to focus only on my mother, allowing her disordered thinking to lead our family.

Do you think you might have some issues around co-dependency?   Do you think if you act in just the right way you can get him to do what you want?   Do you believe if you explain something to him in just the right words he will suddenly snap to his senses and agree?   Do you believe if you understand what drives him you can fix him?    

are you ready to take the focus off your H and on to you- because that is the only person you have any control over.

Can you answer this question?     Honestly dig deep and answer Notwendy?   I think Notwendy might like to hear the answer.   I know I would.     Are you focusing on your husband because then you don't have to deal with your own painful and traumatic history?

Your husband has some mental health issues that cause him to be unpredictable and unreliable.    You are not going to fix that.    He might fix that if he decides to do the hard work.     Right now, there is no reason for him to work on communicating better because you continue to engage with him when he communicates poorly.

Do you understand that?

[snowglobe]

Not Wendy, Ducks, Ff,
I’m a codependent Addict. I don’t use the drugs, sex or spending to numb the pain, the anxiety, the uncertainty, I have an anxious attachment type of relating to the outside work. I see people as good and myself being unworthy of love. I went to one ca support group, my uBPDh reacted so negatively, he punished me with the silent treatment for a week that I am scared to go back. I don’t have 20 min being unaccounted for, especially in the evening. The support group that is close to my home, therefore reliably attendable runs on Wednesday nights. I’m afraid he will hurt me further financially and emotionally, that is the whole truth. I’m scared. I want to go, but I’m really scared of making my bad situation worse. He will demand an explanation about my whereabouts. I need to come up with one, he can also check my physical location as you know he tracks me everywhere. If he were to find out about the group, he will... .I don’t know what... .really... .he won’t jump me around the corner, but he will cut down on something that kids need, as a way of punishing me for misbehaving.
I stay in school,  after this semester I’m one credit away from ba. My average is so high that I’m likely getting into good seminars for honours, I would really love that. I numb myself with school, that is my escape. I also feel like I’m frequently loosing connection with reality. I disassociate a lot. Not the kind of day dream, but catatonic blank and empty feeling. The t I was seeing was mentioning prolonged expose of stress.
Sometimes I wish he walked away from me. I would likely nearly kill me, but then I would get the feeling like I can do it on my own.
I’m addicted to his intermittent reinforcements, in the same way people abuse drugs.
The ca group is at 7 pm on Wednesday, he is likely going to be with kids. If I walk and turn off my phone, I can say that I went for a work out. I hate lying, but this truth can seriously make matters worse

[babyducks]

Thanks for sharing that,  that was a tough one.

When you get triggered,   when your buttons get pushed, when you get anxious and fearful, what tool do you have in your tool box to slow down the anxious, panicked autopilot reaction?    What have you tried that has worked?

You are a bright talented person.  Your school work is going so well you are getting honors.      You can rigorously challenge your fears and anxiety, and stay safe.  You are in control of this.    Really you are.

[snowglobe]

Thanks for sharing that,  that was a tough one.

When you get triggered,   when your buttons get pushed, when you get anxious and fearful, what tool do you have in your tool box to slow down the anxious, panicked autopilot reaction?    What have you tried that has worked?

You are a bright talented person.  Your school work is going so well you are getting honors.      You can rigorously challenge your fears and anxiety, and stay safe.  You are in control of this.    Really you are.

Meditation in a locked bathroom shower helps the most, the moist, the fog, the sound, I’m able to count and slow down my breath. It starts feeling real, like I can make it. I also try to breathe shallow breaths with longer exhales, they also bring me back to reality. 4-7-8 breathing puts me to sleep.
Kids, they keep me moving and going, their voices, their chatter, their questions. I want to be present, I want to be there for them. Sometimes I get so lost in my pain, they need to ask me twice to pull me out of this state. I am doing my best Ducks, I’m crumbling, but I will keep on crawling on all fours until I get that degree. I will get that government employment that will give me benefits to help my son, I will do that, I won’t stop, no matter what he does. I can’t compartmentalize, I can’t pretend I’m fine when I’m being abused daily. When aggression isn’t directed outward, it goes inward.

[babyducks]

Can we focus on what's working for second?

Meditation in a locked bathroom shower helps the most, the moist, the fog, the sound, I’m able to count and slow down my breath. It starts feeling real, like I can make it. I also try to breathe shallow breaths with longer exhales, they also bring me back to reality. 4-7-8 breathing puts me to sleep.

This is a great step forward.        It is.     And you know what I am going to point out?    It's you.   It's you who made yourself feel better.    It's you taking care of you.

I am going to use your phrase,   not because I totally agree with it but to keep things simple.   You have an addiction to a person.    That addiction used to provide 'feel good' moments.    Not it doesn't.    At least not reliably.

I’m addicted to his intermittent reinforcements, in the same way people abuse drugs.

You are addicted to the 'feel good' moments.   and when they don't happen you go back to the addiction, trying harder for the hit, the high.    and when that doesn't work you try even harder... .and it works even less.    It's a down ward spiral.   Just like some one who drinks to numb the pain,... .it's not helping the pain,   it's not curing the pain.    and the day comes when they need to drink more to numb the pain.    and the day comes when the drink doesn't numb the pain.    and it's a down ward spiral.

some one else can provide the 'feel good' moments.    You can.    You proved it with meditation and breathing in the shower.   You are in control of this.  

People here on this board value you.    Think about this,  people here have spent hours carefully crafting thoughtful and deep replies to your posts because of you.    Because of your value.     Because of your worth.    But here is the thing,... .we need you to be here emotionally sober.    In your wisemind.     Not actively chasing your addiction.   we want to be active partners with you.    we want you to be present with us too.    

this is not about him and what he does.    this is about you and what you do.   Okay?   If breathing in the shower is what you can do for yourself today, that's a great thing.    tomorrow there may be something else.   but for today deep breathing, challenging the addiciton,   that's very good.

[Only Human]

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