Not accepting

[Parents! Get help here!]

I've known for 4 years my daughter has BPD but told no one. Things escalated over holidays for her husband and kids. After my son in law came for help I thought he was ready to hear what I suspected and even agreed. I thought we could work together to get her help. But then he turned the tables and told her I thought she was mentally ill and revealed to her everything we ever discussed.  Of course she is very angry at me. Will she ever get the help she needs if he is not on board.

[Pigeon1]

I've known for 4 years my daughter has BPD but told no one. Things escalated over holidays for her husband and kids. After my son in law came for help I thought he was ready to hear what I suspected and even agreed. I thought we could work together to get her help. But then he turned the tables and told her I thought she was mentally ill and revealed to her everything we ever discussed.  Of course she is very angry at me. Will she ever get the help she needs if he is not on board.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Harri]

Hi Pigeon and welcome to the board though I am sorry you need to be here.

I can see how your intentions about sharing with him were good and certainly aimed towards getting her some help.  I am sorry if she was not able to receive it from her husband.

Will she ever get the help she needs if he is not on board.

She might.  She has to recognize that there is a problem first though.

You said she is very angry with you now.  What is going on?

[Huat]

Hi Pigeon1.

I join Harri in welcoming you here.  Sorry you had the need to find us.

You say that you have known for 4 years that your daughter was suffering from BPD.  I gather, you, like me read up on the illness and all the check marks were there.  As far as I know, my daughter has never been officially diagnosed as having BPD but I know that she has been to many counsellors over the years.  Two counsellors my husband and I went to said they suspect that is the case.

We, too, have had son-in-laws come to us for help.  (She has been married 3 times.)  That never turned out well.  As parents, we were put into the middle of their spats.  It was a he-said-she-said.  Already your son-in-law has gone back to your daughter telling his version of the conversation he had with you. Believe me, as a grandparent, you want to stay as neutral as you can.

The best thing you can do, Pigeon1, is to start working on yourself... .honing skills on how to better interact with your daughter.  There is so much information on this website and with links to more.  What is good here, too, is that you are anonymous, you are not judged and you are able to reach out and help support others, some with stories very similar to yours.

Once again, welcome.

Huat

[Pigeon1]

Thanks for replies. My daughter has other things going on besides BPD. I found out she has been on Adderall for 7 years. Due to a previous problem with this sort of drug I was very concerned. I have been to 3 therapists in the past 3 weeks and they said this is a very bad drug for a person with BPD. She also had an eating disorder as a teenager. Although she says she is taking it for ADD I suspect otherwise. I told her husband how dangerous this drug can be and that a therapist even told me if a patient told her that, she would have to report her to DHR. I wanted him to realize how serious this is and how much she desperately needs the right kind of help.  I know now I should never had said that. I think he is worried that I want to take the children away. He has told her everything I ever discussed with him. Right now the anger is off of him and directed at me. They live down the street from us and we saw the children almost daily. Now they aren't seeing us. I know this has to be so confusing for them. In addition they have been estranged from his parents for 3 years. Today his mom contacted me by letter begging me to talk to her son. How ironic that our family too is facing estrangement. Do I tell them about this?  We were forbidden to have any contact with his family and for the sake of peace we didn't. But now I feel this has all come to a head and they need to know. My son says I just need to stay out of it and let them figure it out. I can see that all my good intentions have backfired. I can not fix this myself. I am a Believer and am praying for God to be in this with me and to send his angels of protection around all of them. I feel my main role is to love and pray and support even if they have put me out of their lives. My main concern is getting her help. But I feel now that without her husband wanting it also it will never happen.

[Panda39]

My son says I just need to stay out of it and let them figure it out. I can see that all my good intentions have backfired. I can not fix this myself. I am a Believer and am praying for God to be in this with me and to send his angels of protection around all of them. I feel my main role is to love and pray and support even if they have put me out of their lives. My main concern is getting her help. But I feel now that without her husband wanting it also it will never happen.

I can hear how very much you love your daughter, want to help, and were coming from that place when you spoke to your SIL, but the thing is the only people we truly control is ourselves.  We cannot make someone else, think, believe or do something they don't want to do.  Even with your SIL's support, you can make suggestions to your daughter but your daughter is an adult and will make her own decisions and choices.  How productive would Therapy be, if your daughter went simply to please you and her husband?

You also learned a lesson here about Triangulation in my opinion your son is right, the issues between your daughter and SIL is between them and is for them to work out. The issues between you and your daughter are between the two of you and your SIL should not be pulled in to fix them.

Information on the Karpman Triangle... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

Believe me, as a grandparent, you want to stay as neutral as you can.

The best thing you can do, Pigeon1, is to start working on yourself... .honing skills on how to better interact with your daughter.

I agree with Haut, as hard as it is, and believe me all of us as parents (BPD child or not) have the impulse to want to run in and fix everything for our kids.  It's uncomfortable for us to watch them flounder or make not great choices or decisions but they... .we... .all learn from our mistakes.  Sometimes we need to let go and let those consequences happen.

I'm really glad you've found us there is a ton of support, information and tools to be found here.

Take Care,
Panda39

[Mirsa]

Hi Pigeon1,

I'm sorry to hear that you've been caught in the middle.  I'm 100% certain that I will be in the very same spot one day.  My heart goes out to you. 

It sounds as though you would really love for your daughter to 'change' and 'get better.'  My understanding of BPD is that it is not a 'curable' thing... .it is simply who my daughter is, and who she will always be.  My personal fantasy is that she  reaches a bottom, has a wake-up call or epiphany and comes to understand how awful she's been, then experiences remorse, begs my forgiveness, and works really, really hard to 'get better' and become a decent human being.

But, this is a fantasy.   In reality, she will always be this way and she has never once demonstrated remorse.  She doesn't feel empathy as most people do.  Her just brain doesn't work that way.  Perhaps, a miracle could occur and she would seek help with a qualified therapist to get better.  But, in reality, she will probably manipulate a series of therapists into being sympathetic with her (until they get to know her), she will twist whatever they say in a way that validates whatever it is she wants to believe about any situation in her life, and she will continue to cycle from person to person every six months. 

So, in the meantime, I'm trying to let go of my little fantasy, embrace the reality of who she is, and find some peace between 'dramatisodes'.  (new word I just coined... .do you like it?     It's probably better that I accept that this is who she is, and then try to figure out what type of relationship I can realistically have with someone like this, who I also happen to love and care for, but not like or respect.  I don't have the answers yet... .early days for me, but I'm determined to have a life of peace, and step one means letting go of who I wish she could be.

Namaste.

[Pigeon1]

Words of wisdom... .be accepting. The hard part for me is having grandchildren involved. I was seeing them almost everyday and I believe my husband and I provided a happy and stress free environment for them. Now that her anger is directed at me we are not seeing them. Can't imagine how confusing it is for them especially if negative things are said about us. The last time my daughter had a tirade against me it was in front of them. So sad... .I can deal with her but seeing the negative effects on the kids is heartbreaking. They love their mom and I am sure don't understand.