He doesn’t want to lose me, and I love him, but the highs and lows are just so hard

[Beecha]

I suspect BPD but don’t feel I can share this with him without him getting upset. Dated 11 months... .started off over the top strong with us falling in love hard. I thought some of it was way too soon (diamond bracelet at 5 weeks, telling me he wants to marry me within a few months, talking about living together shortly after that) but I hadnt been in love in a long time. We have incredible chemistry/passion and were planning a life together.

Around month 6/7 I feel he started to de-value me, would do things to hurt me but didn’t want to lose me. There were questionable times with other women (not sex) but enough to hurt me and make me lose trust. He has a HUGE fear of abondonment and told me upfront... .said I can never leave him, would get very upset if I left bc I needed to cool off after a fight. To the outside he seems like a strong guy and is successful, but inside he’s insecure and I think maybe empty. At the beginning he would tell me all the time how good I made him feel and how he always prayed to bring someone in his life who would make him happy.

Then came the unreasonable fights. Something small would just blow up! Even with his teenage soon. He almost always points blame and rarely apologizes. He would get hurt by small things and then hurt me in a much larger way, and claim I was putting myself first.

For awhile we were fighting or breaking up Several times a month.  I told him I needed more security and stability. I reached a breaking point on Valentines Day... .we had what should have been a SMALL mis-communication the day prior and he blew it up and blamed me. He was distant the whole day then blew up on me over the phone that night, said VERY hurtful things. We broke up on the phone at 10pm. He immediately called back 5 times in a row and the next morning.

He doesn’t want to lose me, and I love him, but the highs and lows are just so hard. I also have a 6 year old to think about. He has never displayed anger in front of him, but I wonder what the future would hold. I feel so sad because we love each other, but he just hurt me too much and too many times. In his mind, HE is the hurt one.

We tried 3 sessions of couples counseling, and I was secretly hoping he would go on his own. I think he hates feeling this way but is hard for him to admit a problem... Alcohol makes his judgement and meanness worse. It’s hard to leave... .we had so many beautiful times and he wants to put all the bad feelings “in a box” and move on, I just don’t know if that will work. And I don’t feel he respects me like he used to. I’ve put up with too much bad behavior.

Is a break best? Should I just move on? Can I ever feel secure?  How can you show someone there is help out there, without offending them?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Beecha]

And I should clarify : the “doing things with other women” was not physical. He was hitting on 2 other women (one an employee 30 years younger) and texting with a friend who was splitting with her boyfriend of 14yrs.

He said he did these things because I “pushed him away”. So hard for him to accept fault.  And obviously this caused a breach of trust which was very hard for me to get over, but I could accept if I knew he would stay faithful.

It’s like he can’t be alone. I’m guessing this is common with BPD?

[Harri]

Hi Beecha and welcome to the board!  I am glad you found us though sorry for what brings you here.  You are not alone.  As I was reading your post, a lot of it stood out to me as being familiar in the sense that so many of us can relate.  The way the relationship started, the eventual devaluation and pushing away and fights.  Things can get better and sometimes a relationship can be turned around.  Regardless, we can help you as you decide what you want to do.

It’s like he can’t be alone. I’m guessing this is common with BPD?

A lot of pwBPD (people with BPD) have a fear of abandonment and will act in ways like you describe here. 

He doesn’t want to lose me, and I love him, but the highs and lows are just so hard. I also have a 6 year old to think about. He has never displayed anger in front of him, but I wonder what the future would hold. I feel so sad because we love each other, but he just hurt me too much and too many times. In his mind, HE is the hurt one.

The highs and lows are hard and can be bewildering and often make decision making harder to do.  pwBPD have a hard time with emotional regulation and when they get upset they often engage in behaviors that place blame on others and can attempt to re-write history.  Feelings = Facts for them.  It is not something that happens with awareness (usually) but an effort to push away the emotions they struggle to deal with.

I don't know if you have seen this yet, but this is a good article/video to watch:   A 3 minute Lesson on Ending Conflict   Being in a relationship with someone with BPD often requires skills that do not develop naturally.  None of this is intuitive.  Check out the link and see what you think and then we can talk about it. 

Again, welcome!  I hope you settle in and read and jump into other threads.  Having a support network is important.   

[Beecha]

Thank you so much Harri!

[Notwendy]

Beecha- one thing to think about when experiencing anxiety is if it was something you experienced before the relationship.

From your posts, it seems your BF has done some things to make it hard for you to trust him. There is also the on/off aspect of the relationship. Not feeling a secure attachment could be your own self communicating- "I don't feel safe in this relationship".

I also agree that we bring our own issues into a dysfunctional relationship and that is something to examine. Did you feel insecure before the relationship?

Sometimes it helps to look at the dynamics in our family or origin.

Sometimes, others have experienced ignoring "red flags" at the beginning of their relationships and then realizing they could have paid attention to their feelings better.

You decide which is the case with you- are you an anxious person in a relationship or a person who has not experienced anxiety before- but you are now. And how would you proceed from here?

[Luan]

Beecha,

I am sorry you've experienced such dramatic push/pull dynamics - it is enough to shake anyone. Allowing ourselves to get close to someone, only for them to throw it back and blame us for their insecurities is so hurtful. As much as you can focus on yourself and accepting that your ex/partner sees things so differently will be helpful now. Try not to invalidate his feelings, by keeping conversation minimal and when anger or accusation is present, validating by agreeing that it must be hard is about the best you can do.

I went through a similar process over 4 months, and I can fully relate to you asking whether it is just best to move on. I have got to the point where I have stated that without being able to address the issues at play, there is no hope for growth in my relationship. I have offered to stand y my ex and face that journey together, but she has stated that it is just too hard, even though she still gives signals she would like to.

I had to read back over Wendynotwendy, I don't see where the poster is saying she is suffering anxiety or did previously? Of course, any such confusing behaviour can create anxiety, but sounds like Beecha has been through quite a rollercoaster.

All the best

[Notwendy]

It's from her other post. I didn't know the best place to say this as on the other thread, she didn't ask about the relationship.

Basically- the advice is to listen to her feelings. I think the up/down of these types of relationships can be confusing. It helps to get centered when deciding what to do.

[Beecha]

Notwendy,

You hit the nail on the head!  I was probably a little anxious before, had a fear a being cheated on or losing the relationship. My pwBPD basically love-bombed me at the beginning and it made me feel VERY secure, something I hadn’t felt before.

His interest in me was almost too much, and at times I felt he was coming into my life too strong (trying to micro-manage how I disciplined my son, dealt with my ex-husband, etc) He claims I “pushed him away” in The Fall and I found him drunk in a bar hitting on and touching the arm and hair of another woman. He also had a young employee babysit for him and tried to hit on ger (he actually lied to me about her babysitting).

So yeah, I think it’s a total mix of my prior anxiety AND red flags.

I told him this weekend that I need his help feeling more secure and he actually did a great job of telling me how I do so much for him, and that no woman has been able to give him the feeling I do, and that I should value myself more, and that he wants to come home to me.

It’s just hard for me to forget what happened with these other women.

[Notwendy]

I think these kinds of relationships can feel confusing. Maybe it would help to consider that not all pwBPD are the same- some of the behavioral patterns can be similar but each person is an individual.

He may think that you "caused" him to hit on these other women but this falsely puts the responsibility for his choice on you. Yes, he may have felt abandoned or upset in the moment due to the relationship- but he chose to cope in this way.

PwBPD tend to have difficulty dealing with uncomfortable feelings. However uncomfortable feelings happen with everyone- and in a relationship there are times where people have disagreements. How they deal with them is a reflection of their relationship skills and the choices they make.

When he's feeling OK- then perhaps he's loving and caring. This is the hard part - few people and few relationships are all good or all bad. I'm sure he has many good qualities. However, if fidelity and honesty are strong values for you in a relationship- he may not share these with you.

It comes down to boundaries (values). What values are most important to you. There are no perfect people - so often we do choose what we can live with and what are our bottom line deal breakers ( values). These can be different for everyone.   Boundaries are not something we impose on another person, but the way we determine our own actions or choices. Perhaps it would help for you to spend some time deciding on what yours are.