Going insanely Obsessive

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Well its been almost two months that she replaced me (2weeks later after we broke up). She looks happy and in love and put some "soulmate" comments somewhere. The idea that the scene could be real, that theres true love there is making me insane to the point i cant sleep even with xanax.
Need some reinforcement here.
Please tell me that they are unncapable of love and that my redneck replacement is goin to have the same fate that me.

[FJM]

Well its been almost two months that she replaced me (2weeks later after we broke up). She looks happy and in love and put some "soulmate" comments somewhere. The idea that the scene could be real, that theres true love there is making me insane to the point i cant sleep even with xanax.
Need some reinforcement here.
Please tell me that they are unncapable of love and that my redneck replacement is goin to have the same fate that me.

[Red5]

*Well its been almost two months that she replaced me (2weeks later after we broke up).

*She looks happy and in love and put some "soulmate" comments somewhere.

*The idea that the scene could be real, that theres true love there is making me insane to the point i cant sleep even with xanax.

*Need some reinforcement here.

*Please tell me that they are unncapable of love and that my redneck replacement is goin to have the same fate that me... .

Evening FJM,

From what I understand... .depending on the spectrum... .and the behavior traits of the particular pw/BPD... .they have a very deep feeling of emptiness... .that they are always trying to fill, .fear of abandonment... .fear of engulfment... .most can’t stand to be alone for very long, .and when pw/BPD puts you on that pedestal... .you don’t stay there long... .as they soon become disappointed in you for_____... .

So this is the ideation, then the devalue, then the discard... .wash rinse repeat... .

If all this is true, .the replacement will follow the same path of behavior... .

There is no way a person can find their so called soulmate a mere two weeks after departing a long term love relationship... .it takes years to build this kind of relationship... .the pillars and the foundation have to be there, .one has to be mentally and emotionally healthy to enter into a mutually loving relationship... .

This is my two cents... .for what it’s worth.

A dysfunctional relationship is doomed from the very start, .hope this helps,

Red5

[Turkish]

 You broke up with her,  but she landed with a red neck junkie replacement.  Based upon that description and how you described her,  that doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. 

[beautifullybrkn]

I know it's hurtful but real healthy love takes time to grow. They may "believe" they are in love and have found their "soulmate" after a couple of weeks but just as fast as they find love they also abandon love. They are disordered and we cannot control what other people do. Remember how she treated you. For your own health and sanity, block her and fight the urge to check up on her, who she is with and what she is doing. This helps tremendously. You can't heal when you are putting energy into them. They are gone grieve and focus on you and what you want and need for your future. Think of it as a blessing in disguise as you can now heal and and focus on finding someone that is truly deserving of you and what you have to offer. I have issues with the ruminating thoughts of my ex and what he may be doing and as soon as those thoughts enter my head I immediately say delete delete delete!  I also had trouble sleeping and would wake up on the hour with severe panic attacks (even with xanax also). I started to listen to hypnosis vidoes with binaural beats on YouTube for letting go of your ex and self love every night when I go to sleep. I found that listening really helps induce deep relaxation and interrupts my thought patterns. I noticed after a couple of weeks my moments of feeling indifferent towards have become greater. I know everyone's healing journey is different but I thought I would share what has been helping me.

[415]

my wife separated from me unexpectedly last month. Apart from she says I actually think she replaced me with at least an emotional affair.  I would actually not be surprised if it progressed or has already progressed beyond that.  Out of everything that has happened, that's what causes me not to sleep.  I've spent a lot of time with that guy and I KNOW if they started a relationship that it wouldn't last.  I met my wife when she was 33 yrs. and i'm her 4th husband.  I'm also often referred to as very passive, kind, patient, etc.  Anyone that doesn't have a high tolerance for how she acts won't be around long.  Since I know she's not coming back I wrestle with wanting her to fail vs knowing that that's not the right thing to want. My wife is now 45 yrs, She's demonstrated over 25 years of dysfunctional relationships that seem to always be the other person's fault. My wife moved in with me when I had already owned my home.  She's never had to pay rent/mortgage, I pay over 90% of bills, all household improvements/costs, I've supported her when she left a 6-figure job to start her own business, I've sat in one hospital emergency room after another while she's being checked for whatever she speculates is wrong that time, pay for vacations, do 100% of the ironing and laundry, etc. etc. etc.  Then she leaves and now has no job, or place to live.  Their decisions are irrational and nonsensical.  The common thought even at the clinical level is if they do not acknowledge that they have a problem and get regular therapy that this pattern will not change.  I wish I could've stopped it and gotten back the good times that we had but instead i'm left with two things that I know absolutely.  1.  She's not going to come back and work on it and 2. She will repeat this pattern.

[415]

the "soulmate" comments are basically that she found someone else that believes what she says and is being nothing but nice and supportive and interested in her etc... .until... .he's either smart enough to see through it or she employs her pattern again and leaves.   Even our therapist told me that they are very good story tellers and that it even took him 2 or 3 sessions of listening to her before he said "oh, I know what's going on here"... .and he's a training psychologist with 30+ years of experience.  It'll come apart, its just a matter of time.  Even my relationship was 11 years, but now that i'm looking back on it and writing out all of my observations, I know that many other people would've said good-bye to her long ago.  It helps to write out the things that you noticed that were hurtful to you.  Keep reviewing it.   I've been there, really i'm still there.  1hr of sleep some nights, panic attack, obsessive thinking, I think of it before my eyes open when I wake up, while i'm working, driving, shovelling snow, watching tv etc.  It's going to suck for a long time until it doesn't.

[once removed]

Please tell me that they are unncapable of love and that my redneck replacement is goin to have the same fate that me.

we could do this.

problem is, youre looking for, and seeing, evidence to the contrary. so to a large extent, it wont matter what we say, or how many times we say it.

i can relate to your feelings. i was dumped, and i wanted to see my exs new relationship crash and burn too. i waited a month and it didnt happen. i waited three months and it didnt happen. six months, and it still hadnt happened. they were together four years, which is longer than her and i were together.

so you see, a whole lot of time and attachment can be spent on waiting for your exs relationship to crash and burn, and it may never happen.

the real struggle, and what might be driving the obsession, is working through letting go.

as i understand it, you broke up with her. i might focus on the reasons you did that. did you mean it when you did it, or were you expecting her to change?

[FJM]

415 thank you for your reply. I dont know the pattern shes 29 im 33. The guy who i replaced lasted 4 months. I lasted 2 1/2 years.
My replacement is like her when i met her. Unnenployed and amarihuana addict. He lives in the beachside 4 hours from the city where we both live. Shes traveling there every weekend to see this guy.
The thing that terryfies me is that for what i read a Long distance relationship for a BPD is healthier because the fear of engulfment never gets there.
Shes lovebombing him like hell.
Honestly? I want them to fail. Some divine justice, karma or something like that.

[FJM]

once removed she dumped me and a week later she attempted a recycle. I went for it and it lasted 2 weeks where i was driven insane so i told her it was over, that i couldnt stand her behaviour no more.
At that point i didnt knew what BPD was, my T was smelling traits of bipolar until she replaced me. Thats when he told me it was obvious that she has BPD. Of the 9 traits we found 8. All of them except self harming (in the way of cutting).
When i brokeup the last thing i knew is that there was a guy in line to take my place. And thats when i became obsessive. I felt and feel robbed. Theres a hole inside me draggin my life in it.
I never felt so down in my life, even when my dad died in front of my eyes.

[once removed]

When i brokeup the last thing i knew is that there was a guy in line to take my place. And thats when i became obsessive. I felt and feel robbed.

when you broke up with her, were you done for good, or were you hoping she would see the light and change her behavior so the two of you could be together?

you mention a guy in line. was this happening before the two of you broke up? did she cheat?

[FJM]

once removed i went for the classic "go out there and meet the animals, and lets see if someone does everything ive done for you".
The cheating thing. In those last weeks saw that she unblocked on insta people of her past, and found some very souspicious messages between her and his gay friend talking about that she saw this guy between hours of work. It was kinda obvious but i didnt was bulletproof to show that chat to her.
Now shes lovebombing him at the speed of sound. They live 300 miles away. Dont know the math, but apparently thats better for a BPD.

[once removed]

are you watching the relationship on social media?

[FJM]

once removed yup. Both still hiding it (dunno why) posting crumbles but its pretty obvious that they are "in love".

[once removed]

that sounds like torture man. why look?

[FJM]

once removed part of me is in denial and needs to watch if theres still humanity in her chest.
Guess not.

[once removed]

isnt this another way of saying that:

you werent really done with the relationship. you broke up with her hoping that shed see your value and treat you better. instead, she found a new relationship, and it devastated you. youre afraid she will value that person and treat them better, which would suggest to you that your value is less than you thought it was. you want her to fail to reverse that sense of rejection, and restore your value.

the problem with that, is if you place your value on the outcome of her relationship, it can be a losing proposition.

you dont win because she loses, and you dont lose because she wins.

our relationships are over. like any past relationship, its no longer about how our ex does afterward, but about how we do.

[FJM]

once removed youre absolutely right and im conscious of that.
One more. In your experience in this forum what do you think of a BPD having a long distance relationship 4 hours away of the city?

[once removed]

are you asking about your ex? is that the circumstances shes in?

[FJM]

once removed Yes. She travels almost every weekend to see him.

[once removed]

i think it really depends on the two of them. there isnt a lot of way to predict how that goes, and i wouldnt really include BPD in the equation.

it sounds like a relatively new relationship, and its hard to make those kinds of circumstances work long term. depends on what they both want out of it, whether/how that changes, and if the distance becomes workable.

[415]

I wouldn't follow on social media.  It's hard enough.  My wife is in a band which has their own page.  I'm not on any social media but I hear that she's booking shows, releasing videos and looking like everything is great.  But I know her.  I'm sure she's having fun but I also know that she distracts herself of feeling anything real by throwing herself into something that she can control.  I know him too.  He/her rehearsed at my house for probably 12-15 hrs/week over the last 4 months instead of her dealing with our marriage.  From the outside I can see how that will end.  She'll eventually play out her pattern.  It will be "all his fault", or he'll "criticize her" or whatever and she'll end that project.   She's done it before.  Truthfully b/c they think its always someone else's fault, I don't think you, or I will ever hear a "I'm so sorry for what I did" type of conversation.  As for "karma" she's already had someone run into her car, she's had what sounds like food poisoning (except I wasn't there to drive her to a hospital), and another health scare, just within the last week.   She'll tell me her sob stories but has never even apologized for up and leaving the 11 year relationship, without any real work or discussion, leaving her stuff at the house for me to store/deal with etc...   Not sure if your gf has that same lack of empathy but they often do.  It's been 1 month as of yesterday.  She's never even reached out with a text or phone call.  Anyway, if someone even tries to tell me about their music project I stop them, otherwise I just go around and around in my head.  300 miles away might work now, but who wants a relationship long-term like that.  Our therapist also told me that my stress is exacerbated by me trying to apply logic/reason to my thinking, when they do no behave logically or reasonable... .so it just doesn't compute and you torture yourself. 

[FJM]

415 in my case (we lived together just 5 months and then i moved out. I sold my house and i needed some place until i get some). Again, in my case i, myself had to pick all of her things in my house for her to pickem up. And then get my things from her apartment wich was almost 50% of the stuff in her house.
Then finding out things of her between my stuff (she did it on purpose to keep in contact) , and recently found her passport at my place. I broke NC and told her that her passport was here, her answer was "well you can keep it there for me or you can throw it away if you want to". Who the f*ck throws away his passport?
She was playing games with me even replaced.
Im starting to think that they want all of their exes in a box for future supply.

[once removed]

FJM, if you are the one that contacted her about the belongings, and she suggested you throw them away, is she the one trying to maintain contact?