When you know what you want, yet confused..

[hopefulbutlost17]

Sorry for the long post… Mainly just venting to calm down… Insight is welcomed though.

My ex and I began talking again around the middle of January.  Everything was going great for a week and then bam, we got in a fight about the past (again).  We didn’t speak for about 1.5 weeks and then gradually started talking again the second week of February after she had a personal crisis at work and called me so she can release/vent.  Talking was different this time... She went from being excited and happy to message me and tell me things to all of sudden protective of herself and getting jealous of things I would do (hanging out with friends or self-care).  She would snap or get upset with the littles of things.  We saw each other three times this last week we have been talking... It started Thursday (Valentine’s day) in the evening.  She was very short and taking forever to respond after her workout in the afternoon.  So I took it upon myself to let her be and get a mani/pedi.  Around 10pm she sends me a “goodnight jerk” message.  I took a while to answer because I was in the shower.   While driving home I receive another message through a different messaging app asking “are you ignoring me.” I said “no, I was in the shower.” She said “for 5 hours?” of course meaning ‘where were you all afternoon.’  Then I responded with “I’m not ignoring you.  I took a nap after work and then went for a mani/pedi.  Came home, took melatonin and jumped in the shower.” Her: “Lies. This is why I don’t trust you.  Things will be going to well and then you start to space out your messages making me thing something is wrong.”  I assured her nothing was wrong again and then just wished her a good night because I didn’t want to fight.  I went to sleep and then receive a video call from her around 12:30 am.  I answer and not even two seconds after asking “what’s up” she says “nothing, good night” and hangs up.  I call back and ask her what that was about and she said “nothing, I just don’t understand why you’re doing that.”  I asked “is everything okay? Are you okay?” she rolled her eyes and said “yes”  I said “everything is ok, I’m going to sleep, goodnight”  Next morning I find out through a friend she was out with a guy around 11pm the night before... Was the video call out of guilt?  Of course I as livid but I kept my cool.  I asked her if she did anything for Valentine’s Day and she said no.  I asked again “nothing at all?” and she said “nope” I asked “not even with your friends? Or a friend?” She said “nope. Well I did get to see my friend from Mexico”  At that point I let it go (we are not together nor had we established anything).  I asked her if she wanted to meet up for lunch and she said “aww I wish I could but I’m going to the outlets. Maybe tonight if I’m not busy” I then said “no worries. I have plans tonight, maybe another day.”   She said “have fun” I said “thanks” she said “you’re not welcome and you’re not forgiven” I asked “why not forgiven” she said “you broke my heart right now for having plans with the sancha (the other woman).” I just said “okay” and she said “you didn’t deny it and you say you don’t have one” I said “you should know me by now. If you need reassurance, here it is I don’t have one” After that I told her “I wanted to see you and talk to you that’s why I invited you to lunch”  She responded with “how about when I get off work tomorrow? We can meet then.” I agreed...   she shared her buys from the outlets with me.  Once she got home she started to complain about her chest hurting and that she was exhausted.  After I got off work I went home and then went to my friends house (as planned). The complaints of her being in pain continued and now her stomach is hurting and she’s hungry and I just gave her some remedies and checked in on her from time to time. While out with my friends, that’s when it began to escalate.  She asked what I was up to and I said I was about to eat. She commented “with the sancha” I asked what she was doing and she said “homework.  I need to know if you’re going to the competition and what time you’ll be back.  If not so I can work a double shift.  Since you’ve been busy lately Id rather work that waste my time doing something unimportant.” I replied “my sanchas (meaning my friends) would like to know if you’d like to join us to eat.” Her response “no I’m good. I don’t like people”  I said “okay.  I’m going to the competition but will be back by the time you are out of work”  her reply “oh”.  It was back and forth like that setting up a time and everything.  I hadn’t told her I got home yet and she took it upon herself to say “well I’ll let you go be on your date with your ‘friends’ I’m annoyed/upset and don’t want to talk about.” I said “I’m home already.  Are you upset cause you thought I was on a date” her response “f**k no. I’m just hungry and in pain and I don’t want to talk about it.” I said “Ok hope you feel better, goodnight” Next day she sent me a message at 5am (she works at 6) asking if I can return some shoes at the outlets for her. I said okay.  On my way back from the competition I did what she asked.  When she got off work she video called me while driving to meet her and we talked about the competition.  We met at one of her favorite restaurants and as soon as we sat down she started asking what I wanted to talk about. I said that we could talk about it later after we eat in private.  She kept insisting about two more times and I finally gave in. I told her I wanted to know how she was doing emotionally, mentally, physically.  She told me she was ok but then went into “Seeing my mom earlier this week has kind of affected me. She now wants to make conversation and asking how I’m doing, etc.  Why now? She said all of these hurtful things, when she saw me it was like as if I was just another person to her and now she wants to ask how I’m doing? No... I hate that.  And just work and the gym.  Same thing with the gym.  Everyone just talks about me still and I hate it.  The one place I call my home and felt myself and now I can’t cause everyone talks about me.” I listened and nodded. Then she asked again what it is I wanted to talk about and that’s when I said I wanted to exclusively see each other and see where this goes, work towards getting back together, not right away but let me prove to her I’ve changed and gain her trust back.  She then told me as to why she can never forgive me for what I did; she doesn’t want a relationship with me; she lost her best friend; I was the person she turned to, cried with, trusted,  loved, cared for, partner in crime, partner, confidant, etc.  She began to cry while telling me all of this (she never cries, it’s rare); she continued with we have a strong connection, i am the one stable/consistent person in her life, everyone else has left her, but it's hard to look/forgive me for what i did.   I asked her why she keeps coming back and she said cause she still cares a lot for me.  I told her that it was ok she didn’t need to and that I was going to be fine.  She can care from afar.  After she told me all this, I went and sat next to her and consoled her. Apologized for what I did (again), held her hand, put my arm around her and kissed her forehead.  I asked her for the opportunity to show her that I have changed and have righted my wrongs, that I am not the same person I was a year ago and that I have a new appreciation for what I had/lost; that I want to continue showing her how much I have change and have adapted to her needs; I went to counseling, change my perspective, etc.  She continued to say no and that’s when I said okay, I will not push it anymore.  I went and sat back on my side of the table and told her that I understand her completely but I also have to protect myself and my feelings.  I cannot just be friends cause my feelings for her are too strong.  She asked if we could leave and I said that this is where we part ways and she may leave and I will pay for the meal.  She paid for herself and just took off.  I then paid for mine and she called me and everything went downhill from there.  She called my phone and went off.  She called me every name in the book (cheater, hoe).  Told me to go with my friend M and ‘F**k her, be with her, listen to her’. Brought up the past and the mistake I made (I had a chat with my friends at the time and they would talk about her and I apparently did nothing).  She said that I put her in a depression and she was/is bullied at the gym by those girls that were my friends, etc. etc. etc.  She said I never loved or cared for her, that I treated her badly, and that I made her do the things she’s doing now; a gun was not held to my head and told to hurt her, that I knew what I was doing.  Of course, I could only take so much and fought back and said things too (things she did as well but I was able to forgive, things I’ve done for her and things that I have changed about myself to be better; Was a waste of time and energy but I did.  I cried and she told me she didn’t want to hear me cry which hurt and upset me even more.  It was as if I was speaking to someone else.  She was cold and mean.  A lot of hurtful things were said. She demanded I do some things in order to get her back, but I refused cause I knew it was not fair and it was something beyond my control.  I even said that if she wanted certain things from me, I expected the same from her cause I was not going to do all the work on my own. Towards the end she said that she was still here and that it may take years to be ok and possibly get back to where we were.  Now, she says she doesn’t want a relationship with me but we are both not dead yet. She said “ you just need to chill it’s too much right now” I said “we both need to chill and get some rest”  She said I’m tired and going to sleep and said goodnight. 

Any insight on all this would be welcomed.  Mainly, I wanted to vent and just type it out.  I’m confused, sad, angry, yet still love her.  I made my decision a while back that I wanted to work things out with her and would what it takes.  After her telling me that she doesn’t want a relationship with me anymore, I’m torn again now, cause now, it’s like she changed her mind towards the end of our fight.  She doesn’t want a relationship with me right now but later.  Can anyone help me decipher that or am I just hanging on to hope?  I’m ready to move on if that’s the case but if not, I’m ready to fight for her.  We haven’t spoken since the fight, Saturday night.  I haven’t reached out cause 1. I have no clue what state she’s in right now and I don’t want to trigger anything, 2. I figured we both needed space to cool off.  I have forgiven her for everything she has done in the past and I don't resent her for it although i did bring things up in the fight.  I've kept my cool for the majority part and have told myself that maybe she's projecting, actually feels all of this, pushing me away, etc. I understand her.  I understand her pain and where she's coming from as to why she says she can't forgive me. I understand that in her mind, I cause her pain and was "unfaithful" to her.   I just find it unfair in so many ways (what she did was 10x worse, she actually cheated on me and left me hanging for others among other things, I didn't cheat on her). 

I'm still fixated on what I want... I know what I want but also so confused about her words/actions. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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