He's a slob and I'm fed up

[Perdita]

Hi all, been a while.

I need advice on how to deal with my partner's crap. Yes, his crap. He is a big slob and my physical health is suffering from cleaning up after him throughout the day.  I have tried leaving it to him, but he simply doesn't care how nasty everything becomes.  So I end up feeling like the full time maid. He rarely lifts a finger to help. Sometimes he will wash the dishes- not well at all even -but that's it. I carry the load or nothing will get done.  I am upset when I think about how much time I lose every week cleaning up after a grown ass man.  After carrying 99% of the load I will make small requests.  Like please stop throwing empty wrappers on the floor (every day this happens and not just one or two wrappers), put dirty clothes in the basket instead of throwing it around all over the floors in the house. I ask him to do these things. This is met by sighs, eye rolling etc.  Like a brat child. He makes me out to be a nag. Only last week I spend an entire day cleaning all by myself.  This included 8 loads of laundry - 7 of which were his. Why can't he just pick the hell up after himself and not be an ass when I talk to him about it?

Are all BPD people slobs?

[Cat Familiar]

What would happen if you just cleaned up areas of the house that affect your comfort? Why do his laundry at all?

[Perdita]

Cat familiar, I have tried that but his damn dirty laundry is everywhere.  This man - apart from his work clothes - still somehow goes through 3 tshirts a day. I don't understand it.

Everything he uses simply gets thrown down on the spot  when he's done. Doesn't matter what it is.  I find myself having to pick up his crap just to be able walk without falling over things.

His entire life is disorganized and I feel that it only contributes to the chaos. In work and everything else, nothing is ever organized which in turn leads to anger outburst (shouting at colleagues, sometimes swearing even at the women, due to his own  f ups.)

I even refuse now to sleep in the same bed with him because I can't handle his binges during the night which leaves a disgusting mess in and around the bed.  He thinks nothing of breaking off pieces of cake with his hand while lying in bed and shoving it down his throat.  To say it leaves a mess is an understatement.  He gobbles down potato chips and then wipes his hands clean on the brand new sheets that I bought. This happens ever night without fail.

We are newly moved in together after several years.  Before we moved in he promised he was not going to be a pig anymore. Now he is actually worse than ever.  I am pissed off that he broke an ornament my mom bought for me 20 years ago. He knows how much it means to me and promised he would find out the best way to put it back together.  I am still waiting. The result is that I have removed all my ornaments because I know nothing will survive if I leave it out.

This doesn't even feel like my home. I feel like I am just camping.  I have been going back to my house more and more during the day just to be surrounded by my own things and to have a bit of time to relax before coming back here.

[Cat Familiar]

This doesn’t bode well for your future together. Can you return to living separately? Perhaps that would take off much of the pressure from having different levels of cleanliness and order.

[Perdita]

I have been considering doing that gradually over a period of time.  My life has been uprooted too much since we moved in together. I feel like the maid. Not even the maid, but the personal servant. He grew up with maids picking up after him and continued with that right until we moved in together and I told him that I don't like some other woman running the household.  We can easily get things done if we work as a team, but so far he has been a worthless team mate.

[Vexed]

Yeah.  My exgf was a slob and denied it.  The only time she ever actually cleaned was if she was having people over. 

She would project the mess onto me most of the time.  She would fo some occasional laundry then complain about how all the dirty clothes are mine.  She had two dogs and in the last 8 months of our rs she didn't clean up the poop in the backyard not 1 time.  She would sit in the backyard and chain smoke then leave the butts all over the place and refused to use an ashtray.  She loved to eat in bed, I got used to sleeping on crumbs.  In the 4 years we lived together she never cleaned the refrigerator but it was always her carelessness that caused the spills.  She would cook and not put away the leftovers.  She would pull items out of the fridge and not put them away only for them to spoil. 

Oh and she didn't have a job this whole time.  Meanwhile I was working 40-50 hours a week.  She wanted me to hire a cleaning lady... .

[Perdita]

Vexed, most of what you wrote is familiar to me.  He is also quick to clean up a bit when he is expecting guests, especially when it's one of his parents. Then he cleans real fast.

Only the past week has he started picking up the dog poop. That's been something I got stuck doing even though he swore up and down that he'd do it once we got the dog he wanted. I am also the one that feeds the dog. Mind you, the dog is a real sweetheart,  but that's beside the point.

He also does the chain smoking thing in the yard and then tosses the buds down, also refusing to use an ashtray.  It looks really bad seeing buds all over the lawn and patio.

He also leaves food out to spoil. Does it constantly and gets all pissy when I ask him to just please put stuff back in the fridge.  Then he gets upset at the grocery bill.

Right now he's in another room swearing as he irons his work clothes. I decided f that - let him take all that time out of his life to do it. I have lost enough of my time over the years doing it only to be left feeling unappreciated.

I am pretty much fed up of always putting him first. He'd never do the same for me.