A sorta unique dilemma with a Quiet BPD type and long distance relationship

[CrfixCrss]

I met this girl online through mutual friends about a year ago. We talked for a little and early on she messaged me about being recently diagnosed with BPD. I did not internalize it I was supportive and kind of wasn't expecting much. But suddenly a huge infatuation happened with us both. That went on for a couple of months. I was just like I dig this but it is not more than that. I also took the weird drop or *silence* through text as she was just socially awkward. I stuck with it though I do have ocd tendencies with responses and such. I tried expressing that to her often it didn't seem to make a difference. We actually grew out of the infatuation phase and got more serious. I learned about some of her traumas. I learned about the guy before me in real life she dated for 10 years. Her disdain for men IRL because of a sexual assault. Her sexually abusive dad (Who still manipulates her in other ways) and her deceased alcoholic Bipolar mother and their neglect for emotional care. So now in this current time right now I pretty much understand why she developed BPD. I always treated well for the most part. She gave me the daddy complex. I would make her art, write her poetry, make an effort to show I cared. Though I had my shortcoming as a Cancer sign and with Adult ADHD about my needs and I would get kinda pushy with them. But we started talking on the phone instead of text and voice clip I was in the middle of a cross country move. This made us actually fall in love more and also make conflict-ions worse. We started speaking on plans to meet. We had a rough date it was more of a money issue etc. We were both excited.

But the last month is has all fallen apart. We had a really rough couple of week. and when we finally spoke she was telling me she finally found a doctor and therapist she liked and trusted she was on new meds and I was supportive and little later we kinda ahh talked in a sexual manner. Which we didn't do too often but it did happen (mainly because her dad dumps her step brothers on her for weeks). During that I asked if she would send me a picture and kinda suggested a next picture if you know where I'm going. This was actually a big deal to her it always has because even up to about a year I have not seen a full private body part. She sent me her chest with a slight censor and I pushed it and when she got silent I got frustrated. Now that's happened  before but instead of letting it go when she vanished I got a bit obsessive called back a bunch and im pretty sure I said some sort of hurtful thing. I was finally able to calm down and sleep. I called the next afternoon. She didnt pick up. I messaged and called one time. She messaged and said Ill talk to you tomorrow I need to be stable. I called her two days later and no response and my ocd kicked in and I basically made a big deal about what i need like a baby in her messages and basically deactivated my messenger and facebook (which I now realize is a hard push on her abandonment issues). I reached out couple of days later and she blocked me on messenger (Not via text or FB) and I havent heard a word back since. Ive tried various ways to make an effort like I would before that have worked etc

I spent a lot of time on the internet trying to figure out whats going on for the weeks after. This has helped me understand the error of my thinking and given me understanding of her but its also very confusing on what to do. So I've probably been handling this horribly now too. Now It's been a month and I am unsure of how to go about this. I feel like absolute garbage for being so self centered and not being better for her. We actually did love each other and shared so much and I am just so unsure what to do or think or feel. I don't know if she will be back, or she would've and I pushed way too hard and she wont at all. I'm definitely split black I think. I am open on any thoughts, advice, whatever you may have for me.

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[Purplex]

Hello CrfixCrss and welcome to the family 

Many of us have made mistakes in our interactions with our loved ones, it can be very challenging to be thoughtful of their issues and background, especially if we are trying to get our own needs met at the same time. I am sorry how things turned out with your girl, but I am glad you reached out. We are here to support each other and share experiences and information. it's great to talk to people who get it and sometimes it can be helpful to take a look at how we might have contributed to the problem so we can find a way to handle things differently in the future. We have a lot of strategies and tools at our disposal, that can help us to approach our relationships from another angle and be more empathetic towards our loved ones.

Did I get it right that this happend a month ago? When was the last time you heard from her?

[CrfixCrss]

It happened at the end of last month. I have not heard from her since the 30th of January. Her usual time is 3-5 days with some sort of coaxing or reach out or gift of love. And I really appreciate finding a place like this. The rest of the internet outside of here is confusing with this especially with my own mental health struggle. So I'm just a bit lost.

[SunandMoon]

It's a bit hard to feel sympathy for someone who behaves like this. Your girl had already been honest about her BPD diagnosis and you also know she has sexual abuse in her past.

Yet you pushed her in a way that is bordering on sexual abuse. Even as a non, I would see that as a huge red flag.

Calling her repeatedly and insulting her, then deactivating your social media seems like an overreaction and extremely manipulative.

Do you really think, given your own mental health issues, you can provide the stability and sensitivity that a person with BPD needs?

[CrfixCrss]

It's a bit hard to feel sympathy for someone who behaves like this. Your girl had already been honest about her BPD diagnosis and you also know she has sexual abuse in her past.

Yet you pushed her in a way that is bordering on sexual abuse. Even as a non, I would see that as a huge red flag.

Calling her repeatedly and insulting her, then deactivating your social media seems like an overreaction and extremely manipulative.

Do you really think, given your own mental health issues, you can provide the stability and sensitivity that a person with BPD needs?

That is fair. I pretty much come off horrible. I assure you I have made some big mistakes in life nothing bigger and more preventable than this. The cross country move had a lot to do with it because I had no mental health providers or medicine. I havent had a real therapist in 4 months and our time difference made stuff even worse. With that said I gave her way more love, support, caring, sensitivity than I did messing stuff up. Its no excuse I get it. Its hard to swollow but I think I am capable of all that as long as I work on myself. Will I ever be able to actually do that and prove that. I dunno. Im just lost.

[Purplex]

I agree with SunandMoon, it's very understandable that your girl cut off contact with you. If she decides to reconcile, this should definitely happen on her terms. It sounds like you are aware of the part you and your own mental health issues played in what happened. This is an important first step. I think you should focus on that for the moment, take a closer look at what emotions and thoughts caused you to behave that way and how you can better deal with these issues in the future. I hope you will find a good therapist that can help you with that. Maybe take a look at the tools and workshops on this site as well, those are not only helpful in our interactions with pwBPD but with people in general. Feel free to ask questions and keep us up to date if you like.