25+ years and I'm done

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

First I worked long hours to avoid being at home. Then started lengthy business trips. Then had job that kept me away for 50% of the time. Finally just moved to another country. I was at peace. I began eating well, exercising, foregoing drink. I lost weight, meditated, become healthy, had a clear mind. The wife was supposed to move and join me. But eventually I realized I was happy again the way I wasn't for all 25 years of our marriage. I didn't hate her. I hated the relationship and her mental absence. She thought the relationship was fine. Then I lost a job and decided to move away for good. I'm very conflicted for wanting to leave. But we've been to counseling numerous times. She says she can't and won't change. She wanted me to get therapy. I did. For my own growth and piece of mind. And I realized I'm not going back to the marriage. I only have a few more years on this planet and you can't put a price on peace. The kids are grown and out of the house. Still have a lot of guilt for leaving but I can't go back. She's a ghost that takes over everyone, lives in her own fantasy world, drinks too much, belittles everyone, and forgets all the hurtful things she says and does. I must quit denying that she'll get better.

[FarAway19]

First I worked long hours to avoid being at home. Then started lengthy business trips. Then had job that kept me away for 50% of the time. Finally just moved to another country. I was at peace. I began eating well, exercising, foregoing drink. I lost weight, meditated, become healthy, had a clear mind. The wife was supposed to move and join me. But eventually I realized I was happy again the way I wasn't for all 25 years of our marriage. I didn't hate her. I hated the relationship and her mental absence. She thought the relationship was fine. Then I lost a job and decided to move away for good. I'm very conflicted for wanting to leave. But we've been to counseling numerous times. She says she can't and won't change. She wanted me to get therapy. I did. For my own growth and piece of mind. And I realized I'm not going back to the marriage. I only have a few more years on this planet and you can't put a price on peace. The kids are grown and out of the house. Still have a lot of guilt for leaving but I can't go back. She's a ghost that takes over everyone, lives in her own fantasy world, drinks too much, belittles everyone, and forgets all the hurtful things she says and does. I must quit denying that she'll get better.

[once removed]

you sound exhausted, FarAway19. im glad you reached out to us, and i want to say

did you move out?

[Mutt]

Hi FarAway29,



I’d like to join once removed and welcome you to the family. There are a lot of people that are in a similar situation it helps to talk about it.

Are you separated? Divorced? How long have you been apart? You mentioned guilt, are you talking to each other? Is she making you feel guilty?

[FarAway19]

Yes, I have taken a job in another state. We are separated. I will give her a year to take her meds and seek counseling or we won't reunite. I'm in therapy and have a support group through NAMI.  I just discovered BPD last week and I'm still in a state of shock. The guilt comes from society's expectations and that we have been together for 25 yrs. She certainly throws her barbs all the time, but they don't sting as much since I'm in counseling. Thanks for your questions. I'm worried about my kids who are now young adults. Obviously, they never saw a normal marriage. They saw a moody mother and withdrawn father. Be well,

[Mutt]

The guilt comes from society's expectations and that we have been together for 25 yrs.

That's one half of society that doesn't understand the other half that are going through or are in separation /divorce because they've never experienced it themselves. You didn't get married to get divorced.

I'm worried about my kids who are now young adults. Obviously, they never saw a normal marriage. They saw a moody mother and withdrawn father. Be well,

I'm sorry to hear about how difficult it was on your kids but you're doing the work on yourself now, some people go through their entire lives going through the same motions, your kids aren't going to experience that from both parents.