My wife sent my 16 year old on an illegal car trip..the crash was his fault - Part 2

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

This is a continuation of this threadhttps://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=334332.0

Apparently one girl has a "slightly fractured pelvis".

From a conversation with the Mom.

Initial looks did see anything.  Everytime the girl moved she was in a lot of pain.  So more films and radiologist took a hard look.  Found a small place...

Yeah... .to the comment about being livid about having a partner that puts children in danger.  Livid is a big strong... .but it's much more than "resigned".

I had a good conversation with P.  About half hour on the phone.  I'll try to summarize that convo later... .but definitely helpful for me.

FF

[formflier]

This is a continuation of this threadhttps://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=334332.0

Apparently one girl has a "slightly fractured pelvis".

From a conversation with the Mom.

Initial looks did see anything.  Everytime the girl moved she was in a lot of pain.  So more films and radiologist took a hard look.  Found a small place...

Yeah... .to the comment about being livid about having a partner that puts children in danger.  Livid is a big strong... .but it's much more than "resigned".

I had a good conversation with P.  About half hour on the phone.  I'll try to summarize that convo later... .but definitely helpful for me.

FF

[boatingwoman]

I hope you have an umbrella insurance policy. I can’t practically guarantee you this is going to be a 125-250k settlement to the girl with the broken pelvis. That is major.

Something similar happened to me with my dog. We settled at 500K.  Thank goodness we had an umbrella policy. That amount was more than my homeowners limit.

[formflier]

 
I do have an umbrella.

FF

[Notwendy]

I am so sorry that the girl was hurt. The person I am most concerned about ( besides the girl ) is your son. He will be dealing with this emotionally. Also your 13 year old- the one who I assume has already turned to alcohol for either attention, approval, or to deal with the chaos at home.

Thankfully the girl will recover, but there will likely be social consequences and your son will feel badly. He may need counseling.

The last person I am concerned about is your wife. IMHO, let the consequences be the lesson here- at first, otherwise you'll just be persecutor in her victimhood.  She will have to face the parents.

Your kids are in a very vulnerable position. They are the true victims. Yes, your son was driving, but if he was not able to stand up to BPD mom out of fear, then this is understandable. He's still a minor - and likely has heard "honor your parents" plenty of times. Even if a parent asks you to do something illegal or immoral you should not obey them,  but he isn't old enough to think he can outright disobey his mother.

[Red5]

Evening Formflier,

Thank the Good Lord nobody was seriously injured.

Your family will be in my prayers,

Lots to unload here, but honesty and responsibility goes a long way with the local PTB, your Son is a chip off the old block, he will be alright.

One day at a time.

Again, thank the Good Lord!

Take care Formflier, keep us posted.

Sincerely, Red5

[braveSun]

I'm so sorry FF that you and your family is going through this. 
 
No matter who's in what condition and who's done what or not, this is tough for everyone in your family and your kids friends who were in the car, and their families too. It will most likely be a marking event for everybody involved, so I'd steer away, as much as you can, from blaming your wife's behavior, postpone judging as long as you can. This is trauma face on. I'd say stay close to your kids, to your P and keep posting your thoughts, feelings and developments as much as you can. Keep moving FF. You cannot control all the facts, and you can be a good responder both. Obviously FFw is reacting with the coping mechanisms she knows, even if it has not been recently, nor ever, will be ideal.

I am with you on this. It hurts. It's normal with the fatigue and all of the recent events that you'd feel the weight of BPD consequences.

I command you for remembering that you did wreck cars and planes too, and to be able to be there for your son this way.

I command you for having opened a door for your D13 over steak and fries recently. These are really good responses. 

She being the mother of your children, FFw in such is going to have her own reactions for sure. I know this because all mothers are getting a hard blow when their children are hurt in any way. I did witness my own mother when our family had a blow when I was 7 yrs old. Not specific to BPD, just normal to feel off quilters.

It's so good that the kids seem to not be in too bad physical shape.

My thoughts and prayers are with you all.

Pace yourself and take good care,

Brave

[AskingWhy]

I am so sorry to hear about the update.

pwBPD are totally our of touch with their own reality, and the reality of others.  The safety issue is the most frightening.

One of my H's Ds I suspect of being BPD.  She was promiscuous in high school. On her way to enlist in the military, she had an affair with her recruiter.  After entering the service for a year, she was given a general discharge after a suicide attempt.  (H thinks the military owes her benefits.)  After that, she immediately began an affair with a military instructor before the two broke up suddenly.  

D moved into our town and finished vocational training, finding a job.  A  job, mind you, not a career with potential. She smoked medicinal marijuana supposedly due to some ailment or another, during which she had three car accidents which totaled the cars.  H was adamant about the two which were not deemed her fault. The one in which she was at fault she was texting in the rain.  At present, she is now a recreational cannabis user as its legal in our state.  The statistics of car accidents on legal marijuanna show a dramatic increase.

Cars are lethal weapons.  In the hands of someone with a PD or with a PD involved in any way, they can be dangerous.  When H was driving me, angry and raging at me, he stomped on the brakes while we were on the road, causing me to be startled and lurching me against the seat belt as he raged.  On another occasion, H was driving me home from an outpatient medical procedure.  H resented having to "use his precious time" to drive me as doctors had ordered.  While in the middle of traffic, H raged at me, put the car in "park" in the middle of the road, and left the car and walked away around the block.  He left me in the car in the passenger seat, with my leg in a cast, a sitting duck to be rear ended by oncoming traffic.  As I tried to hobble out and over into the driver's seat to pull the car over, H returned to rage at me and drive us home.  He said I "disrespected" him.  He raged all the way home so I got an hour of lecture on why I was such a b%tch and was disrespecting him.

Cars should not be around people with BPD.  Your son is a minor and was influenced to drive a car illegally by your BPD W.  This is now the time for a teaching moment.  You must talk to your children about their mother in no uncertain terms.  The are old enough to know good sense and right from wrong.  You must counsel them to come to you at any time, day or night, if they feel their mother is jeopardizing their safety or breaking the law. Your son must have known his license was restricted, but deferred to his mother because he thought, "Mom must be right."   Do this for your children.

You and your family are in my thoughts today, with prayers for a good outcome for all.  Thanks be that no one was seriously hurt.  My heart is with the poor injured girl.      

[Enabler]

Hey FF,

Glad to hear that everyone is safe and sound, very little matters other than that.

You seem to be doing a good job of avoiding the Karpman and staying coach (in the real world). Your S needs to be left to 'deal with it', but in coming to terms with his 'bad thing' you've also put some perspective on it, that we all stuff up every now and again, and some of those 'bad things' will have serious consequences. He seems to be taking his role seriously, which is healthy. He sounds like he's making himself accountable for what happened.

Your W's reaction seems very typical of a disordered person in a crisis situation, more concerned with blame shifting (away from herself) than genuine priorities such as peoples injuries or the facts. I sense you are NOT avoiding the Karpman in your internal world, you seem to be shifting yourself and your wife around as victim/perpetrator in this, analysing the decisions you made to 'park issues' temporarily and your W's decisions to veto discussions you have had. This also feels like a quest to find the right place for blame to lay. I might be confusing learning with finding a home for blame, but either way I am not sure it's helpful now.

Your son will learn a lesson from this which is that HE is responsible for the outcomes of the choices that HE makes. I believe you should encourage him to have integrity and honesty here, he knew he was on a restricted license. This could easily have been a friend encouraging him to give them a lift, it just happened to be his mother whom arguably should have known better. HE will be responsible for the outcomes of not pushing back on his mothers requests, NOT his mother. If he feels it unfair that his mother is not making herself fully accountable, maybe you should encourage him to ask her why she is not making herself accountable. It could be a valuable learning lesson for him which may result in him asking more searching questions... .which you should answer with direction.

Enabler

[Fian]

I want to offer a different perspective here.  Your wife asking your son was illegal, but it was not unsafe.  As far as I can tell, in most states your son driving would be totally legal, there are no restrictions on who he can drive once he has a license.  I would keep that in mind when dealing with this situation.  Your wife did not put your son in an unsafe situation; she did tell him to break the law.

[boatingwoman]

I would like to just clarify for those commenting that the girl with the broken pelvis WAS SERIOUSLY injured.

Don’t minimize that. She may very well be affected for life by this.

OP, I am very relieved to hear you have an umbrella policy.

[Notwendy]

I'll be devil's advocate here.

Young teen drivers are not experienced drivers and their ability to drive safely can vary.

It's a fine line between not overprotecting them and also deciding on their driving ability. There is also respect for the comfort level of other parents with a teen driver.  Driving a group of 13 year old girls may be too much of a distraction- they are talking, maybe playing music, acting silly. This is different than driving a sibling to school in the morning. Also, if the other parents assumed the parent was driving, they may not have known it was the teen and if asked, they may not have felt comfortable with a new driver driving their child.

My own kids were allowed to drive around town. When they wanted to take a road trip out of town to visit friends, I rode with them on the highway to practice until they were comfortable being on that road for a distance. I also wanted to know who my child was in a car with- who was driving. Some of their friends were more trustworthy than others.

In FF's state, the law imposes a "readiness" factor, but parents can do this too. Ultimately, parents are responsible for that child who is driving and anyone with them.

[boatingwoman]

Most states restrict licenses at the beginning.  My state does... .same as what op said, 21 year old and/or not after 11 pm and/or only one passenger etc.

OP, I would obviously caution you to encourage your son to tell the truth (with whatever guidance your lawyer gives you).  LEO knows how to tell who is lying, and if the 13 year old sues instead of settling, then your son is going to be a witness at trial and risks perjuring himself.

With my situation, I went and apologized to the woman hurt and said I would like to settle because I didn’t think I could handle a lawsuit and I didn’t want my children to go through the trauma of testifying.  They agreed with me and originally asked for. 1.1 million, (100k more than my coverage).  

The woman is hurt for life. Even thought it was a screwed up situation that she should have had some form of minor liability,  in my state if it’s your dog, it’s your problem.

This poor girl has a broken pelvis and is going to need rehab and this could affect things like future pregnancies etc.  It takes a LOT OF FORCE to break a pelvis.

Oh, it also took 3 years for my situation to end with settlement, so thanks to your wife and her complete back of judgement, foresight, respect for the law, disregard for your child’s wellbeing and bad decision making, your family will be harmed by her choice for years to come.

BPD, it’s the gift that just keeps on giving... .(sarcasm obviously)

[formflier]

So... I think in the world of pelvic breaks... this one is minor.

It was only discovered after multiple "looks"... .and they described it as very minor and hard to find... but definitely there.

The impact is she is using waking assistance to move around at the moment.

FF

[formflier]

I was erroneously comfortable knowing that I didn't have to restrict who my son drove with because the law already did that.

He was not ready to haul that group of girls around.  I've picked them up and taken them places (and enjoyed it)... .but they are a rambunctious crew (but not disrespectful).

That being said... .I've had to ask them to quiet down (and they did) and give other correction while driving.

A way of saying that even if this had been legal, I would have said no.

There is a very different dynamic with an adult hushing up teens and teens trying to hush up teens.

When my kids drive my kids I often remind the younger ones that the older one is in charge now and I WILL be asking how it went... .etc etc. 

The logistics of this trip meant I would NOT have been able to do that on this trip (lecture the 13 year olds before the drive).

So... .if I could lecture 13 year old girls and they had a 5 minute drive... .I would be much more comfortable.

This was a 15 minute drive to a girls house, time spent picking the girl and a 15 minute drive back.  At night... .in the dark on unlit country roads with limited signage. 

When I've driven out there I kinda lean forward and make sure I have my A game on... .

FF

[boatingwoman]

I once had a hairline fracture of a big toe bone that is a remnant and isn’t even needed. It took a while to find it.

It was so very painful. It took a while to heal (it was a bone we don’t even need! Or use!) and 8 years later when the weather changes, it causes me pain.

There is no “minor” pelvis break.  That is medspeak doctors use and it in no way translates into her pain and her journey to get well. She does have youth on her side.

[empath]

Most states have restrictions on driver licenses at least until 18; I know that mine does, too.

I'm curious about ffw's thought process around sending S15 out to fetch the girls. Even my d22 is rather anxious and reluctant about driving in situations that are more stressful than around town or on the highway, and she has several years of driving experience.

[boatingwoman]

Oh. Also, her medical insurance isn’t going to pay for any of this since it was your family’s fault.  So that will be between you and them on how you are going to handle this.  

With my situation, my insurance gave them an initial 50k forward payment to cover her medical bills (which ended up being about 150k).

Medical insurance doesn’t pay if it is someone else’s fault.  That person has to pay the medical bills.

If you haven’t already, you need to contact your auto and umbrella  providers and give them a heads up.