Advise needed - DD16 begging BF not to break up with her

[StressedOutDaily]

DD16 has been dating BF18 for about 7mo (which is about 5 months longer than usual)  Last week she did something impulsive and he was mad at her.  Yesterday he went out with friends (boys and girls) and supposedly got drunk - she was pissed.  So today she made plans with another boy to hang at the park.  We said no, we have not met the boy- and suspect that he is a kid who makes a lot of poor choices... .so they ended up standing outside our house talking.  She mentioned this boy for the first time a couple of days ago - I suspect he has been showing interest in her. I know she made plans with him today to get back at the BF. She posted a video of him on her snapchat, called the BF while out there talking with the boy. 
Well it backfired - he told her he was breaking up with her.   He wouldn't answer her calls, so she took my phone and texted him as if she was me - and asked him to hear her out.  They were on the phone for 2 hours - him yelling at her and her sobbing and begging him not to break up with her. (She had the phone on speaker) During the phone conversation she deleted all boys from her phone, instagram and snapchat.   
In the end he tells her that he will consider not breaking up with her if: 1. she writes a list of everything she has done wrong in their relationship 2. she writes done everything she is going to do in the future to keep the relationship going (or something like that) 3. she is not to talk to any boys 4. she is especially not to talk to the boy for today 5. she is not to discuss this with any of her friends . 6. she is not to post anything about this on social media.   Then he may call her tomorrow if he feels like it and let her know if he decides to not break up with her. 
 
So she writes the list - sends it to him and he tells her that she can buy him lunch tomorrow and they can discuss if they can work this out. 
 
I have such mixed feelings - I am so sad to hear my DD begging this jerk to not break up with her, to hear how terrified she is of him breaking up with her.   On the other hand I want to scream that this kid is a controlling jerk and she is better off with out him.   

Any advise please ... .  She has just started meeting with a DBT therapist- but is still in the "getting to know and trust you phase" - and has not started learning any skills yet, or at a  point where she can text her T for advise.   Same for hubby and I... .
She is calm now, the crisis is over... .for the moment, But I know this is just a brief respit.
 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hiya SOD

That's complicated, I'd want him to take a HUGE running jump too. I also understand this is an important time for your DD to engage in DBT.

Last week she did something impulsive and he was mad at her.

What happened?

WDx

[StressedOutDaily]

WDx-  last week she said she lost a bet with another girl and because she lost she had to tell the BF she thought she was Bisexual or the girl would tell everyone at their school that she was pregnant with someone else's baby.   So she told him that, and he was very upset and strung her along for a week ... .telling her he forgave her, then he didn't, then he did, then he didn't.     I have no idea who this girl is, what the bet was or why she would even bet something.   Many times she does this stuff because she wants someone to like her, and thinks that they are her friend.       

[Mirsa]

Hi StressedOutDaily,

Boy, your daughter sounds like an emotional hot potato!  I have two teenage daughters, they are about to turn 16 and 18 respectively.  The older one is the BPD and she was hell on wheels between the ages of 15 and 17.  She started to calm down the summer she turned 17, but it was a few tough years there... .an emotional rollercoaster.  She still is of course, but nothing like the constant insanity of the past two years. 

The most important thing I did during that time period was to DETACH.   Her emotional rollercoastering and up and down dramas were not my problem.  I would listen to her sometimes, but other times, I just said, "Dear, you are going to have to figure it out."  I had enough to manage, and to be honest, the more I listened and engaged with her day to day drama, the worse it got.  It validated her emotional reactivity, made her feel validated, and gave her an audience.  Eventually I learned to remove myself in a loving and gentle way, and she learned to work out her own problems.  She would occasionally come to me for advice or counsel, but it was deliberate, not the emotional reactivity of age 15. 

One thing that helped me to detach was a mantra, "My children have their own journey."    I would repeat this over and over in my head when I was thinking too much about their lives and their problems.  It's easy to do so, especially with a child who is abusing substances, self-harming, depressed... .I think we go on hyper alert mode and then never come down out of that.  Always being on alert makes it hard to discern what is important for us to respond to and what isn't.  Another thing I would say to her, was, "My job or your job?"  This was a way to remind her that it was her life, her drama, and her mess to figure out.  It created a bit more space and separation between us, which we both needed. 

I wish you the best of luck... .no advice about the situation, bc I wonder if it isn't just typical smoke and mirrors of the BPD:  make everything into a huge crisis so that they don't have to look at who they are as people.   I do my best to not feed into this cycle as I don't want to perpetuate it or do anything to encourage her natural proclivity for melodrama.   Seems like a good time to just give her a hug and tell her not to worry about it, as life always seems to work out for the best, even when it doesn't seem like it in the moment.  (My other favorite mantra:  Only what is best will happen.  Repeat 100 times.  

Mirsa

[StressedOutDaily]

Mirsa - thank you... .good advise   
.I think we go on hyper alert mode and then never come down out of that.
Very true... .

[bpdgirlandmom]

Hi--This is an alert. Your daughter's boyfriend is emotionally abusing her. That is NOT NORMAL for him to request of her in a relationship. Please help her out of this.

[lovedisney]

This post is so helpful, and Mirsa, you give great advice.  I, too, have a DD15+
with a boyfriend that is 17+.  He is not abusive, but my daughter is all drama, all the time.  I sometimes thinks she is creating all the drama at her small school.  I get hyper sensitive and then can't calm down, relax, and focus on other things.  Your mantras and advice are great guidance - I'm writing them down.