Gathering wool Part 3

[Woolspinner2000]

Part 2 of this thread is here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=333844.0;all

Some very good thoughts, and thanks for listening and sharing with me, to all of you.   I certainly need the support, especially now.

My update today includes several things. One is that if all goes well I hope to move into an apartment next weekend. I went back to the house today and got some things. DH knew I was coming and he was gone for a while, then came back for a portion of the time I was there. He hasn't been fighting me at all, and I'm appreciative of that. I got some things to help me get settled, basic housewares. Thankfully we have enough that I can take some and there's still plenty for him as well. It's good that it isn't a fight over things. It's still tough though, pulling things out of my home. It just doesn't feel right at all.  

We have talked some. It can be okay; it can be not okay. I've mostly settled from the email that I wrote about in my previous post. I can see from a distance the roller coaster he is on, the same cycle that was there when I was in the house with him. I wondered when it would come, if it would at all. I guess I attributed his cycles to the fact that I was there and that he was cycling because of something I did. It's a stranger thought to look from the outside now and wonder if his cycling has more to do with him than with me. It's a big question mark right now. I'm not there for him to self sooth by taking his verbal attacks out on me.

The work place where I've been for over 6 years that has been a huge support for me is suddenly and very dramatically imploding. I only work a few hours a week there now since I have my other job, and it's only to help them out for the work that no one else does. I have so much sadness in my life with being separated from DH and now to add this on too... .let's just say it's over the top stress. I find myself questioning who I can trust. A co-worker has been asked to leave, and there are attempts at major triangulation going on. It seems as if the people there want me to choose a side, and I refuse to do so. I am not picking one person or side over another. I keep saying to them that this is between the boss and the co-worker, and I don't want to know. It's bordering on gossip in my opinion when some of my co-workers want me to know the story and I don't. The tension is palpable, and I am thinking of moving on soon to step out of it. The timing is horrible for me, to have this on top of my marriage issues.

Tonight I recognized that this type of behavior swirling around me is very much a reminder of a couple things. One is the constant conflict between my uBPDm and dad, and the other is after my dad and uBPDm divorced and she wanted me to pick her over my dad. I guess that may be part of the reason why I refuse to get on that bandwagon.

I got through another day. I'm getting my things ready to move. It's time.

Wools

[JNChell]

I’m glad to read this, Wools. I know it’s hard, but you’re doing what you need to do for you. It’s good that things are relatively calm between you and DH. Work sounds a bit stressful, but you’ve got this. The tools work everywhere.  Kudos on staying out of the triangulation.

You now have your own space. You can set the tone for what feels good for you. I’m happy for you, Wools. Enjoy your new space.  

[HappyChappy]

Great news your hubby isn’t fighting.  The day I left the BPD dynamic was my finest hour ... well 12 hours. Once you make your new place your own, I’m sure you’ll start to feel a level of tranquillity. Be sure to get yourself or your new place a present every other day, pamper yourself.

As for work -  its part time so isn’t worst case scenario that you just leave ? In triangulation in the office, from memory if you agree with both sides, they get confused.

I hope that this thread is not like the Godfather, where you don’t have to have read parts one and two to understand (dyslexia). Just wanted to give you some moral support Woolly. You’re a fabulous person running with the in crowd (i.e. me & JNChell) so I’m sure your new move will work out well and open new doors. How many doors does you new place have ?

[Harri]

Wool Z!  I have you in my prayers as always.

Good for you staying out of the work drama.  It certainly is a lot on top of what you are already dealing with though.  I am sorry for that.  Are you all set with movers?  helpers?  I am happy you will have your own place with some peace and quiet. 

Do let us know how it goes.

 

[Woolspinner2000]

Harri, JNChell, and HC, 

Thank you for the encouragement, as always! It's nice to know you are out there listening. 

Just a quick note tonight to update. I'm so so tired. I moved on Friday and Saturday, finishing up the details on Sunday. I had lots of good and wonderful help from friends, and my sister came up on an 8 hour drive to stay with me and help for 2 days. Things went pretty smoothly, and now it is just the settling in, finding where things were stashed, what I know I packed someplace and cannot find... Even finding an ink pen can be a challenge. I stopped by the store after work today and bought some paper room darkening shades. Just cut to length with scissors, peel the paper to expose the adhesive and stick up on the window frame. TaDa! Instant shade and so inexpensive! Now if I only had something to help the trains disappear as they go by in the middle of the night. Ah well, I guess even that I will get used to.

My son came up for spring break, and he is staying a couple of nights. I am glad to have him here as I transition. Tomorrow will be lonely once he leaves.  There is still so much sadness and clouds and little sunshine in my life, except for when my family is around. My son looked around and noticed that my things are here and around me, but none of dad's. He is used to seeing us blended together. True. Another one of life's changes during this time. He is also amazed at how much power his dad had to cause us to all hurt and for us to fall apart. At one point he looked at me and said, "I just wish I were at home." I told him that I wished the same thing too. I also encouraged him that if he wanted to go to our home, he was welcome to do so, but he declined, knowing that he was really speaking about what he wished were still in existence, our home and family unit.

That's my quickie update for tonight. I'll try to post more soon. It's been crazy.

Wools

[HappyChappy]

Hi Wools,

Thanks for the update, I bet your place will start to feel like home in no time.

clouds and little sunshine in my life.

Are you sure you've not moved to the UK ? A tip to perk things up when there's little sunshine around is put gravy over your legs, it looks just like a fake tan. Well unless you've got a dog and then don't do that.

something to help the trains disappear.

David Copperfield or  maybe increase car ownership, just brainstorming.

Wools I just know your new place will become homely and you'll attract lots of new friends - especially if you put gravy on your legs.   

[zachira]

I am glad to hear that things are going well. You did the work of preparing yourself for this move and so it mostly must be a big relief for you to finally be on your own, even though their is naturally some sadness for yourself, your children, and husband about having to end a marriage of many years. Oftentimes, people end a relationship without doing the work on themselves and then feel terrible about the breakup and grieve endlessly, sometimes getting into another destructive relationship. You are indeed ready to enjoy all life has to offer, and there is no telling what good things will come your way as you go through this difficult challenging time. You have a lot of wisdom to share and for us to learn from.

[Woolspinner2000]

HC,

I had to laugh at the picture of gravy on my legs and then thought a few puppy dogs might come around! You still maintain your sense of humor.   Good thing I like dogs.

Zachira,

Nice to hear from you.   It's very surreal this time in my life. I wish I were home, yet I don't because I would be going back into the dysfunction. That keeps me going forward. When I think of what it was like, those are the memories that help me keep my focus.

It's my first night by myself in my apartment. I've focused on getting acquainted with where things were loving placed by kind and helpful hands over the past days. I'm grateful for all those who have shown me that they care for me deeply and have protected me. I made supper, prepared my lunch for tomorrow, and I got my TV to work! It's company. One more day.

 
Wools

[Panda39]

Hi Wools,

Everyone and every situation is different when it comes to divorce and the feelings really are a mixed bag...and they are fluid.

I left my marriage because like you I knew it was the right thing for me (and my son 16 at the time).  I didn't hate my (alcoholic) husband but I could live the way I had been for another 20 years, I simply couldn't do it.  It wasn't happy, it wasn't healthy and I finally believed that I deserved better. 

The interesting thing was my leaving was the catalyst that helped us all.  I was happier and healthier, my ex hit rock bottom...3rd DUI, lost his wife, house, job, driver's license and was finally able to see that he is an alcoholic.  He's been sober at least 6 years now.  My son has gotten to see a better version of his parents, that people can change and improve.

When I first moved into my own place 9 years ago (wow time flies) I made around 100 origami butterflies (symbol of transformation...metamorphosis) and put them coming up a corner of my bedroom spreading out along the walls and up the ceiling.  They have been a reminder of the changes I made and the freedom I felt when I moved into my apartment almost a year after my divorce. 

The butterflies have faded in the sunshine from the window and I'm going to be taking them down soon because change is coming again.  My SO, his 2 daughters and me and my son are all looking for a house to rent together this June.

I know being on your own is a change, leaving your marriage is a change but I encourage you to embrace it.

(Happy Chappy you are one sick puppy...I'm now having visions of llama drumsticks and gravy!...not Wools drumsticks though a stranger llama that I've not bonded with!  )

Panda39

[Kwamina]

Llama + gravy =

[Turkish]

I'm glad your son is there to support you Wools. That's a huge change. 

Trains, ugh. Hopefully you'll get used to it.  I once lived in an apartment whose back rooms faced a high school.  I worked swing shift. The marching band would often do their thing about 9AM right next to the fence,  which was as far away from the classrooms they could get,  probably not to disturb the other students. 

[Harri]

How's it going wools?

First week in the apartment right?  How are you managing that plus work?

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Panda39,

Your words brought me encouragement this week. Thank you. It seems as if you really do get it from all the experiences you have been through. I've thought about what I can do while I'm here at the apartment, to keep busy and such. I've done some organizing but I also got out to the store a couple times, and visited the used bookstore in town yesterday. I know I need to push myself to not become a hermit llama.  I spent some time at our house on Friday cleaning again, and our son popped back in before heading back to my apartment with me. He had been up visiting his undergrad college and stopped to get some things. The 3 of us ate supper together. I kept asking myself if I've done the right thing, this leaving. It's especially bad when I'm at the house, but when I'm not there, the pull isn't so strong. The good news is that it only takes a bit of interaction with DH to remind me that yes, I made the right choice.

Board Parrot, where in the world do you find all the funny pictures that you do?  Oh, it made me laugh! Nicely done! 

Turkish,  yes, I was very glad to have my son here for a few days. I was incredibly sad when he left, so I had to find something else to focus on. I miss him already.  I think I'm getting a little more used to the trains. I hear them and go back to sleep. Sometimes I wonder if I don't already sleep through one or two already. Marching band is nice, but not when they're marching through your dreams.

Hi Harri! Missing you!   The week has been up and down with my sister leaving first, then my son, then by myself, then my son back again for one night, and now alone. One thing I realized is that I don't really miss DH very much. It's kind of lonely, but no lonelier than when I lived in the house with DH. My marriage was very lonely.  I struggle a bit with the sounds during the night especially, the banging of the outside apartment door mostly and some of the thumps and bumps when people are walking. A couple of nights I've had some trauma related dreams, and I know it is about the sounds because of the reminders from my childhood. Gosh, it is something I'm so often aware of but don't think about ahead of time-in other words I had no idea I'd have these reminders while in an apartment. The night noises from my childhood were the sounds of my parents fighting and things slamming. That's what I know is keeping me a bit on guard at times, so I must remind myself that I am safe and not back in my childhood.

Work is going okay, but some days I have a hard time focusing. At the small office where I work, that drama has lessened because of the changes that have taken place now, yet for me the drama is still very much there. I struggle with who to trust anymore.

DH keeps texting me, and I had some bumps since Friday night and definitely today with him. I need to practice stepping away from the emotion and try and see facts. I still get so confused by him. I am back to working on The Survivor's Guide again, and I am very much stuck on the step regarding the abuse not being my fault. I'm sure I will keep mentioning this off and on as I post, because it is very much front and center for me. I hear DH telling me over and over and over again how much I have hurt him, how I have done so much damage to him and our marriage, and how many things are my fault or my wrong doing. Then I read about how it isn't my fault when I am married to a destructive person/abuser, that I'm not to blame. (Lundy Bancroft is a good example of what I am reading.) I'm not sure I'm saying it right, but hopefully you will get the idea.

I can hardly keep my eyes open so I am off to bed.
 
Wools

[HappyChappy]

I know I need to push myself to not become a hermit llama.

Wools,

Ever considered a sideline business or hobby ? Thought about your new house today, I’ve also moved house and getting lots of furniture is an issue. I need a comfy chair in each of the rooms, so it occurs a settee can cost $2K but a lama is less and easier to move between rooms. You wouldn't need as many chairs.

Also they can eat your green waist and fertilised your garden. I'm copywriting the idea, but you can be my American arm (we've gone international).  They can even be guard dogs. I think we should go on Shark Tank with this one, its going to be big.  This will help Wools, because I’ve been rich and depressed and poor and depressed and rich and depressed is better. Then you can buy the train company, and close all those noisy routes down.  

Wools as someone who's been through what you've going through, I did find it hard to go out and meet people, but doing so did really help. We've got www.meetup.com which is free and voluntary clubs and groups use to get members. The choice of things to do is huge. In truth most people go along just for company. I'm sure things will get better and if not, lets just get rich instead (Lamaram world. com).

Failing that Kwamina, mightily impressed with you picture finding skills. I though Picturepedia, but I seen that's being done.

[Harri]

Hi Woolite!

First, HappyC you gave me a great laugh this morning.  Thank you!  Brilliant!

White noise.  It will help your brain block out some of the ambient sound at night.  You can use the noise of a fan or if you have an old dial radio you can tune it to static... or you can buy a sound generator.  They can range from affordable sound generators for babies all the way up to very expensive systems.  GEt one where you can adjust the volume.  Just to help you sleep but definitely keep working on reminding yourself you are safe.   

I am so proud and encouraged by how you are handling this and facing your feelings head on.  It takes strength and courage especially when we can feel scared at the same time. 

I struggle with who to trust anymore.

Does it have to be either or?  Can you look at each person and recognize that they have behaviors that you do not like when they are in a stressful situation but still enjoy them?   You got to see a bigger part of who they are.  That can be unsettling but ultimately it is good and can, over time, increase trust in yourself and your instincts.   

I hear DH telling me over and over and over again how much I have hurt him, how I have done so much damage to him and our marriage, and how many things are my fault or my wrong doing.

I can see how you would struggle with this.  I am sorry he is not able to see his part in the dynamic and how he was the one who was abusive.  This is such a vital part of your recovery Wools so of course it will be front and center right now.  Defining you and your worth and value are independent of his feelings and opinions of you.

Mind blowing isn't it? 

[Woolspinner2000]

Ah HC, well done!   

One time we took a llama in to school to visit our daughter's 4th grade class. It was so much fun! She was such a good llama and behaved very curiously around all the children. Many years later when our daughter was a senior in highschool, one of those 4th graders all grown up saw me at a football game and said, "I remember you! You brought the llama into our classroom!" Like you, I'd rather have a llamarama chair and company any day. 

Harri, thank you so much for the idea of the white noise. I have a fan I started running a few nights ago to help with the train noise (by the way HC, I am with you on the Shark Tank idea and then buying up the RR!). I hadn't thought about the noise also helping cover the other sounds! That's actually a comfort and brings that element of feeling less scared because I'm much less likely to hear those sounds now. Ah...restful. What are good friends for? Helping! 

Can you look at each person and recognize that they have behaviors that you do not like when they are in a stressful situation but still enjoy them?   You got to see a bigger part of who they are.

This is good, Harri. It's interesting how an underlying default (but it's a default feeling NOT in control) is for me to run away and hide from all those whom I cannot trust anymore, but while the tendency is there to think this, there's also another voice that says I must turn and face it. These run away messages are voices and examples from my childhhood, one clearly seen in my uBPDm and a behavior I also learned by her example. The stronger part of me is still seeing that I need my friends and their support and that of my T as well. All the while seeing their humanity and that they messed up. I want to throw the baby out with the bathwater, but not quite. It's quite a shift to realize I'm not responding in the same way that I would have even 5 years ago. Must be the healing that has taken place.

This is such a vital part of your recovery Wools so of course it will be front and center right now.  Defining you and your worth and value are independent of his feelings and opinions of you.

Oh this is good...and oh so hard! Truly mind blowing. I was/am feeling sad tonight and wondering what in the world I did by leaving and only having this place for 5 months, not knowing the next step, DH madly texting me (I finally called a texting time out), and questioning my ability to make it is overwhelming this evening. Somehow I will, Feelings can be strong and as I am able to step beyond the emotions, then I can begin to see from and center who I am. It's as you said, harri.

Lastly I wanted to share something that I finished last night (if Skip can post it for me). I made it over the months of December and January this past winter and finished the grout last night. It sits in my apartment window and inspires me every time I see it. I guess it's like the butterflies Panda said she made.

 
Wools

[Harri]

It's interesting how an underlying default (but it's a default feeling NOT in control) is for me to run away and hide from all those whom I cannot trust anymore, but while the tendency is there to think this, there's also another voice that says I must turn and face it.

That other voice telling you to turn and face it is the one to listen to!  Yay!      Sounds like you are not just healing but taming the outer critic as well.  I find that guy harder to tame than the inner critic.    If running away is our only response, over time, without work, we run from everything and our hearts harden rather than stay open.


 

All the while seeing their humanity and that they messed up. I want to throw the baby out with the bathwater, but not quite. It's quite a shift to realize I'm not responding in the same way that I would have even 5 years ago. Must be the healing that has taken place.

Yes!  <does the happy snoopy dance>  I am not making light of how hard this is and how much work it requires to get through this.  I just see so much beauty and growth here that it is hard to contain myself. 

I am looking forward to seeing what you want to share here.

 

[Woolspinner2000]

Last week's session with my T was helpful. I was feeling as if I will never get past this stuff going on with DH, that I am so poor at walking this walk. I cannot take the continuing blame and find it so damaging to me. DH keeps saying he isn't trying to condemn me or blame me, but I don't hear it or receive it that way. I know sometimes we can interpret what others say wrongly and color it with our past experiences or our hurts. I get that, and we all do it at times. However, I have a choice here I think, to believe what he says or to believe myself. Which way do I go? To deny my own feelings and emotions is to yield to his beliefs, truths, and words, and then I'm back to not trusting myself all over again, and letting the words of others define me and shape my value. Sound familiar to those of us with a BPD in our lives? I am reminded of my uBPDm all over again.

Back to my T session...we talked about what a difficult time I'm having with the texts and emails, and he pointed out something that I hadn't caught before. Just as in typical day to day interactions with my uBPDm where I learned to fawn and freeze (from the fight or flight mechanism that was rewired in us as a child), I am fawning and freezing when the emails and texts come through! Even in these non-face to face interactions and non audible communications, I am still defaulting into the fawn and freeze modes. Isn't that amazing? Then last night as I was pondering all this, I realize that a majority of the battle which I thought was against DH has actually been me fighting against myself. Now that was a shocker! I fight myself by telling myself I should not be feeling this way, that I need to keep the door open (me holding it open) to reconciliation, that I am obligated to work on it (even more than I already have), that I need to give him the benefit of the doubt. So I fight the urge within me to stand up, to speak, to not be afraid. Fawning and freezing. Darn words anyway. Grrr... Ah, the miserable inner critic. Where is my Pete Walker book? I hope I can find it in my pile of boxes.

That's enough for tonight.
 
Wools

[zachira]

Good to hear from you. You are on such a long courageous journey and facing so many challenges with courage and class. As always, you want to do what is best for everybody and do not like to see anybody hurt, even if that person has hurt you like your husband has. It is not at all surprising that the fawning and freezing behaviors are challenging you as these are long time ingrained behaviors that have helped you survive since childhood and throughout a difficult marriage. I am wondering what your thoughts are on how to reduce these behaviors over the long term. Awareness, which you certainly have, is a first step. I too have struggled with the fawning and freezing behaviors and have realized over the years, that so many parts of my body are rigidly held and when I mindufully focus by doing body therapies like yoga, massage, than a lot of difficult feelings come up that I can shut down by going back to my rigid body postures, however if I practice body awareness as much as possible, than I feel more grounded and able to make better decisions. I am wondering if you might benefit from learning more about bottom up therapy, which I realize you may already know about as you are very knowledgeable already about trauma recovery. Bottom up therapy involves allowing our body sensations to guide us to notice our feelings and then our thoughts versus top down therapy which starts with examining how our ways of thinking affect us. Just some thoughts, which may or may not be helpful.

[HappyChappy]

fawning and freezing

Wools its only human to feel overwhelmed by all this. Toughest thing I’ve ever got through, and I’ve got a rubiks cube. In fact only last week I was feeling lost, but bounced back this week, as I’m sure  you will. It’s two steps forward and one back, but so long as you get there  (which is the attitude of the British railway system).

BTW our new business is a fawning phone line. I’d pay good money to get strangers to flatter my intangibles. Wishing you peace.

[Panda39]

...Then last night as I was pondering all this, I realize that a majority of the battle which I thought was against DH has actually been me fighting against myself. Now that was a shocker! I fight myself by telling myself I should not be feeling this way...

Wools,
This made me think of the times I would and still do sometimes get trapped in between what I think I should do and what I want to do.  It took a while for me to figure out the emotion and why I was having the emotion. Like you I realized I was in a fight with myself.  In the past if I got in that conflicted place I would have a complete meltdown.  What I finally decided and what I'm going to suggest to you is...When I'm in that conundrum I choose what I want and I choose what I want every time.  So feel what you feel, believe what you believe, and do what you want to do (and do it every time)...not what you think you "should" do, should feel, should believe or what someone else is telling you to do, feel, believe etc.

It has helped me to recognize the conflict within myself and it has helped me to have a pre-determined solution which is to choose what I want and to choose what I want every time no matter how difficult it is to choose myself.  I find that I am ultimately more happy that way, less conflicted, less resentful etc.

Wools you have a good head on your shoulders (long llama neck   trust yourself and always choose you.

Take Care,
Panda39

[Woolspinner2000]

A quick post tonight to say that I had the strangest dream last night. I think that the Lord was visiting me in my dream to remind of things I had forgotten.

I had a sudden understanding or revelation in the dream that DH is responsible for his own anger that he has been blaming me for. He keeps telling me how what I did hurt him and made him so angry. He went so far as to tell me this week that he made the comment about the potential gun confrontation (with this man he thought had stolen from him that I posted about previously) because of his extreme pent up anger towards me. To recognize that he is responsible for his anger is pretty big for me. Greater still is realizing that I did not cause him to be angry. That's his response.

It's quite freeing. 

Woolsie

[Harri]

To recognize that he is responsible for his anger is pretty big for me. Greater still is realizing that I did not cause him to be angry. That's his response.

This is great Woolite.  We talk about this all the time, but *knowing* it on a gut level is different and yes, it is very freeing.  The fact that this truth is showing in your dreams is, in my mind, a good sign, that this is sinking in on a very deep level.

Thanks for sharing Wool Z!

[Kwamina]

Hi Wools

He went so far as to tell me this week that he made the comment about the potential gun confrontation (with this man he thought had stolen from him that I posted about previously) because of his extreme pent up anger towards me.

There's a lot I could say here of course about what your husband said, also considering he first claimed he didn't make the gun comment at all when you first confronted him about it, but I'm just going to say nothing and just leave you with this:



As you can see, the parrot quite literally has got your back and I have my game face on, I'm not playin!

[JNChell]

Ok, Wools. The board parrot made you an epic pillow. The weather is turning to be nicer in these parts. However, I still expect my wool sweater when it turns cold again. I’ll be working out, so as you design my perfect overlay, think, Dolph Lundgren.   Or maybe an average Midwestern male. Haha. Up to you.

I know sometimes we can interpret what others say wrongly and color it with our past experiences or our hurts. I get that, and we all do it at times.

This is true. Also, this is why communication evolved. We have to be able to talk about our differences honestly and openly.

Wools, you’re in a tight spot. I’m sorry for that. To be honest, I have no idea on what to say to you other than I care. Let’s go superhero mode for a minute. If I was there, I would throw you over my shoulder and take you out of there.

Ok, since we know that’s happening...Care to give a quick refresher on what you’re hoping to do? Be well, Wools.

[HappyChappy]

Ooo pillow talk. Invited a bird back did you ? Let the rumours begin.

To recognize that he is responsible for his anger is pretty big for me.

Is your new found distance helping you see things more objectively  ? You're in my prayers Wools. 

[Woolspinner2000]

You guys are the best!   Love the board Parrot having my back! Too cute, especially that ferocious look. All of you are my family, and how glad I am that we belong.

Harri, I think you are right with this:

The fact that this truth is showing in your dreams is, in my mind, a good sign, that this is sinking in on a very deep level.

I find myself shifting recently, and this dream was a part of it.

Panda39, thank you for this thought.

When I'm in that conundrum I choose what I want and I choose what I want every time.

I have been trying to be more kind to myself this past week, not fighting myself like before. I have found that these moments of kindness directed towards myself have been very strange from what I've known in the past. This time instead of fighting the kindness, I have been able to receive it. 

JNChell, the superhero mode is sweet. And since you asked,

.Care to give a quick refresher on what you’re hoping to do?

Hmmm...did you know llamas are good at humming? I'm thinking. It's a good question. I can say that it's one step at a time right now. I usually see DH once a week. Most of the time it is when I go over to work at our house on packing and sorting and cleaning to get our house ready to sell. I know I don't want to go back to live with him as he is now. That is something quite strong within me.

I hope to be patient and kind in this waiting process, and to work on seeing and understanding myself in my interactions with DH. Things like 'what triggers me when he talks to me?' or listening to my body's response to his interactions with me and seeing where I am pulled into his questions and blame so that I can be more aware and respond rather than react. These things are important to me. Last week I told my T that I feel like I need to go back to the beginning and work through my marriage issues in the same manner that I worked through my childhood of growing up with an uBPDm. The walk is quite parallel, and now it is in this moment of my adulthood that I can step back and say, "lets take a good look at the dynamics and me." Not so much that it has to do with DH or with blaming myself, but more of what are the messages that I've told myself and believed. What re framing do I need to do in order to become stronger and shake off the heaviness and FOG that at times wants to consume me in my present, not so much the past. I hope that makes some sense.

And btw, JNChell, since I'm still "gathering wool," it may be quite a while before I get started with spinning the wool. 

HC,

Is your new found distance helping you see things more objectively?

Yes, I think it is. I've been in the apartment for 3 weeks now, and just in the past few days I realize that I think my hyper-vigilence is beginning to lower. I'm sleeping better, knowing that I don't have to get up and face DH. I'm responding less to his texts, and recognizing that I need to keep some space between us.

Last Friday when I went to the house, we managed to get along fine. I asked him one question to see if he felt he had any responsibility in the topic he's spent so much time going over with me the past few months, curious to see if he would acknowledge his anger as being his responsibility. He said his only responsibility is that he was too passive. Rather than going down that rabbit hole, I let it be and thanked him for answering.

I'm seeing that I have believed that what DH spoke to me as truth, for years and years. Now suddenly I have somehow allowed myself to examine his words and see that so much of what he speaks to me is his perception of truth and fact, when indeed it is only that, his opinion and not always truth. To imagine and begin to grasp that I can actually trust myself now, over DH, and believe that my perceptions are true, is refreshing and freeing. I mentioned before in a previous post that I was learning that I cannot deny my truth anymore. It is getting stronger within me.

I guess that's enough of a book for tonight.

 
Woolsie

[Panda39]

Wools,
You've been really moving in the processing department.

 
I have been trying to be more kind to myself this past week, not fighting myself like before. I have found that these moments of kindness directed towards myself have been very strange from what I've known in the past. This time instead of fighting the kindness, I have been able to receive it. 

  yay! love this! 

I know I don't want to go back to live with him as he is now. That is something quite strong within me.

  I know that on one level this is sad, but on another level it is about taking care of you. Llama Power!

I hope to be patient and kind in this waiting process, and to work on seeing and understanding myself in my interactions with DH. Things like 'what triggers me when he talks to me?' or listening to my body's response to his interactions with me and seeing where I am pulled into his questions and blame so that I can be more aware and respond rather than react. These things are important to me.

  I think you will find this easier the more space you have between you.  I found that as I detached it was easier to see things more clearly.

Now suddenly I have somehow allowed myself to examine his words and see that so much of what he speaks to me is his perception of truth and fact, when indeed it is only that, his opinion and not always truth. To imagine and begin to grasp that I can actually trust myself now, over DH, and believe that my perceptions are true, is refreshing and freeing. I mentioned before in a previous post that I was learning that I cannot deny my truth anymore. It is getting stronger within me.

  This is big Wools!  Power to the Llama!

Have I ever told you I grew up in Berkeley?    I was looking for a hippy llama pic but found this instead...



Keep rolling with it you're doing great, I know it's still hard but we got you!

Panda39

[JNChell]

Wools, I’ve admired you since showing up here. Many others as well, but I’m speaking about you right now. Responding vs. reacting has become a focus of mine as well. I’m glad to have that in common with you. I’ll be patient with your wool spinning. Always a pleasure, Wools. Take good care.

[Harri]

To imagine and begin to grasp that I can actually trust myself now, over DH, and believe that my perceptions are true, is refreshing and freeing. I mentioned before in a previous post that I was learning that I cannot deny my truth anymore. It is getting stronger within me.

Good.  Your husband is a part of your past and how you thought back then.  You met him Before all of the hard work and healing you have done.  As hard as this is and as much as I hate that you hurt so much, I can see the beauty and I am thankful you are sharing with us.