Helping my son

[powerup123]

My adult son (age 22) was recently in a psychiatric unit for 6 months for treatment for depression following a suicide attempt and an increase in self harming. This was his second admission and this time he has been diagnosed with BPD. He has been home now for 6 weeks and some days are better than others. He has good days where he is chatty, will go for walks, eats meals. He has other days where he retreats to his room, self harms and doesn’t eat. I’m trying to accept that on bad days, they are usually followed a day or two later by good days or at least ok days but I do get very worried. My son didn’t have a very good day yesterday and didn’t appear to eat anything at all. He is quite thin and whenever his mental health has dipped in the past he has lost weight. He gets annoyed with me if I offer to make him breakfast or lunch but he usually eats any evening meal I’ve prepared. Most days he has meal substitute drinks for breakfast and lunch if he doesn’t feel like eating although yesterday he didn’t even have these. I didn’t make a big thing of it as he gets defensive and irritated when I offer him meals. I just wondered if other parents have experience of dealing with this. Should I just accept that what food he eats is his business or is there anything I can do to encourage him to eat?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hi powerup123 I am glad to meet you but sorry for the circumstances. It must be rough for you to see your son suffer so. You say your son gets annoyed when you offer to make him breakfast or lunch. Maybe that is a sign you should back off for now and not make him feel pressured
It is good he is drinking the shakes and does eat dinner. Maybe he will feel like eating more later
 

[powerup123]

Thank you for your response. Yes I think I will try backing off today and just not mention food. It’s hard to go against instinct, my son is ill and I really want to make him better but that doesn’t seem to help.

[wendydarling]

Hi powerup123

I join FHL welcoming you. I'm sorry to hear your son is struggling and recognise the good days and bad days. I learned my dd had so much more than her eating disorder when diagnosed. She was totally overwhelmed. She tackled one thing at a time. Alcohol addiction, depression, suicde/ self harming... .and finally over these last 12 months her eating disorder. I know how upsetting it must be for you. What I did was ask if she was joining me for dinner or if she'd like me to leave it in the fridge ... .And if not I'd say ok and leave it at that. Food was there for her to help herself, she's an adult. What kind of support is your son receiving now? Its been small steps 4 years and my dd is doing great now and wish the same for your son. Look forward to hearing more from you. There is hope.

WDx

[powerup123]

Thanks for the reply and the advice, it’s lovely to hear your daughter is doing well now. My son sees a support worker twice a week which seems to help as his mood improves on these days. He has tried to access counselling but is struggling to find someone local who deals with BPD.

[wendydarling]

Hi powerup123

It sounds like your son is forming a positive relationship with his support worker.  Our children are highly perceptive, my DD can read me like a book (80% of communication is non-verbal)    Home was a sanctuary for my DD and you saying your DS is chatty one day and then hides away is familiar. Two things I did when my DD was very ill; the home was calm, relaxed and soothing and I carried on my life, work, charity work, socialising, my normal, her normal too, it helped take the focus off her. I had no expectations of her as I realised she was doing her best for her - and it took all her effort and determination to help herself. What she needed was to know I was there walking by her side, when she wanted to talk she'd seek me out and I'd listen and validate her feelings.

I started here SJ, BPDfam family connections programme, how to help myself. HOW TO GET THE MOST OUT OF THIS SITE
I sifted through what was relevant for my situation, (BPD-comorbid is super broad) and which skills and tools helped us connect.

He has tried to access counselling but is struggling to find someone local who deals with BPD.

. Is his support worker since discharge responsible for supporting him access treatment? Is there any local access to DBT? What treatment has he received so far, that he responded to, or not?

Yikes, too many questions, though it is so good to talk it all through  

SJ what support do you have outside the family? Self care is No1  

We're all here, walking with you.

WDx

[powerup123]

Thank you for the advice. We are trying to get back to normal life as much as we can. I do have a lot of friends who have been very supportive.
He hasn’t had any DBT as far as I know but he is keen to have some counselling so I’m hoping the community MHT point him in the right direction.
We are finding it difficult not knowing how each day (or night) is going to be. He can have a good day followed by an awful day and we are quite fearful on awful days of what it can lead to as we’ve had a couple of bad experiences.
I will have a look at the link you referred to.
Thanks for your support
X

[wendydarling]

You are welcome, I'm pleased to hear you've supportive friends looking out for you and your family.

he is keen to have some counselling so I’m hoping the community MHT point him in the right direction.

It is encouraging your son is keen to help himself, it sounds like the care he's received to date, he's related, trusted.

We are finding it difficult not knowing how each day (or night) is going to be. He can have a good day followed by an awful day and we are quite fearful on awful days of what it can lead to as we’ve had a couple of bad experiences.

I understand your fear, days flip flop. If you feel comfortable sharing the bad experiences with us, it may help you release your fear. There are a couple of threads that really helped me, I'll be back with them.

WDx