Feeling immeasurably better now

[Bnonymous]

So...

I think (touch wood!) that the feelings peaked on Tuesday night. I thought I was having a breakdown that first week, I really did.

Then, yesterday was better. And I've woken up feeling alright today. Not great, obviously, but alright.

There are so so many aspects of the relationship that I will miss. But - you know what? - there are also a heck of a lot of that I won't miss, that it will be a relief to be free from.

I can't explain (don't know) why, but there was something really comforting to me in her texts yesterday. When she started this awful texting me to gloat thing, it absolutely ripped my heart out, and I felt so betrayed and humiliated... But, when she tried to start it up again yesterday, I felt very differently. I felt "They've only been together such a short time, and, instead of just enjoying their time and treasuring it, she just wants to keep texting the now ex to say 'Look what I've got!'"?

And I felt... "ach, leave 'em to it!". I really did. I felt this isn't love, it's drama. And who the heck needs that? If that is what she wants, she is so so welcome to it. Because I don't. I don't want this silly drama and attention seeking, competitive, pettiness. It's such a complete waste of life. There's no joy in it.

If this is who he is now (and, perhaps, always was?) I really am better off out of it.

I don't think what they have is real, in the sense that I don't think they're happy, as they say. Because happy people don't behave like that. Happy people are kind and generous. Happy people aren't bitter and cruel and obsessed with gloating about it. Happy people just get on with being happy and hope that others will too. (As I think I will be able to soon - I won't wonder if they're really happy soon - I will just get on with being happy myself - I'm not there yet, clearly, but I really don't think it will be long now.)

If this is what they want, this kind of "ha ha I won" attitude to the whole thing, and pointless exhibitionism and competition and drama, then... They really are welcome to it and I really am happy to let them get on with it. Because what they have is something I genuinely don't want.

This may sound bitter, but it doesn't feel that way. It's hard to describe, it's like... Waiting ages for a bus to go out for a picnic, and the bus is very late, and you're getting very frustrated that you can't go, and then... It starts absolutely chucking it down, and you turn round and go home, thinking "It's a damned good job that bus was late or I'd be stuck in the woods with no raincoat getting drenched to the bone right now!"

It's like... She unintentionally reminded me of what I was not missing. And that really helped.

And she told me she would be taking him to court today (I think the language there simply reflects the fact that she has a car). And she seemed to be gloating about that too. But I felt glad, really genuinely glad that he will have someone there for him to support him through that experience, and also really genuinely glad that the someone won't be me. I had to support him at court once, and it was one of the most horrific experiences of my life. I am glad that I won't have to go through that again. And I am glad that he won't be alone for it and that she'll be there.

He may still be back. He may not. Even if he is, I'm not particularly sure anymore that I'd still be interested.

I know I'll still have bad days. I know I'll still have hours of almost unendurable agony. Reminders will crop up from nowhere. I'll be in a supermarket and one of "our" songs will play on their radio and I will feel like I want to drop down dead there and then. But... It will pass. Each one of them will pass. And the predominant mood now is a philosophical one, a "Things are what they are and whatever will be will be" acceptance.

[AskingWhy]

I am glad for you, bnonymous.

My uBPD H seems to be getting better after 20 years of marriage.  He dysregulates less now that he has some drugs to treat his hormonal imbalances and I know how to disengage when he dysregulates.  (He is on several medications.)  I think his brain has been positively impacted with the treatments. Physical illness do have an impact on mental health. 

I wake up and feel better about the marriage. When we see each other at the end of the work day, it's visible that he is calmer and less of a control freak.  On his bad days at work where stress is high, I brace myself for a fit of projected rage.   

Take things day to day and note what is happening for better or worse.   

[Bnonymous]

Thanks. I'm really glad things are going better for you both. Twenty years? You must have had (and still have) something pretty special together to have managed to hold on to your relationship for so long, despite the inevitable swings and roundabouts. I'm really pleased for you. 

[Bnonymous]

Another good-ish day yesterday. I blitzed the house, spent a couple of hours on the phone to childhood best friend (who now lives many miles away) and even put in a couple of hours work on a project I've got going on.

I hadn't been eating or sleeping (I mean that close to literally, no more than three hours sleep and a piece of toast per day) since I first suspected what was happening. At first, it was the lies and secrets and not-knowing and the feeling that Something Bad was coming (I sensed that much, but I never suspected it would be this). Then it was the shock.

I slept fine last night and the night before. Started eating normally again yesterday.

Emotions appear to have settled down into a simple, stable, sadness. An ordinary sadness, not a can't-endure-another-second agony, but an ordinary, healthy sadness.

I was very ill the first week. I was so all-over-the-place. I couldn't hold any feeling or view or attitude... They were like balls I was juggling with and there were too many of them and they were moving too fast. Utter, utter instability. A small taste of what life is like for him, I guess.

And it was something outside of my experience. The closest thing I could compare it to was my dad's death. And so I thought it was grief. And I thought I'd be like it for a while to come. But...

No. It seems it wasn't grief and that the fluctuations of grief will be much gentler. It was shock. It was the huge gut blow of finding out that something I'd relied on and trusted absolutely wasn't what I thought it was. The ground being pulled away like a tablecloth. It was SUCH a shock to the system that it really unbalanced me for a time.

But that's passed now. The "fever" has broken. And the sadness feels stable. Yes, human emotions ebb and flow and mine will continue to do that. But... When I call it "stable" I guess what I mean is stable in contrast to all the feelings of the last week. I don't feel so completely adrift and out of control anymore. In fact, I don't feel that way at all anymore. Huge relief!

I had been scared I was having a breakdown or something. I had been thinking I'd better see my doctor. I had thought it was going to go on and on and on...

But it's passed already. Not the grief or the sadness or the love, but the roller-coaster, the car with no brakes speeding over an oil-spill thing. That has passed.

Re the childhood friend, this is an example of what I was talking about the other day. We can go years without contact, then, one of us needs a friend, and the other is there like a shot and the conversation flows as though there wasn't a second apart. It's something very precious and very much mutual. She lives a long way away and we only see each other every couple of years at most. But she's always there; she's always in my mind and heart and just at the other end of the phone if I need her, as I am with her. Grateful.

And I'm grateful to everyone here for the opportunity to have talked and talked and talked and talked when I needed to. Thank you for your patience with that/me.

[once removed]

im glad to hear that things are better and have evened out some.

if i have one bit of advice, its that shock like that has a lot of after effect. when the pain is that acute, there are a lot of aspects that the psyche cant or wont fully process at the time, and some of that can manifest and creep out over time, in lots of different ways. i dont mean to discourage you, im just telling you to anticipate this.

[Bnonymous]

Thanks, Once.

I know this isn't going to be a walk in the park. I'm just grateful that the initial storm of it has passed. I have never experienced such swings and instability in my life before; it was absolutely terrifying. And I know that's stopped now. I know there will be a lot of other stuff to deal with as the weeks and months go on, but that has stopped and it's a huge relief and blessing.

I'm going to keep talking. One thing I'm coming to terms with now is how things would be if he did try to come back (and I am far less certain that I would want him to or let him now).

First off, there would be hour upon hour, day upon day, of him talking completely one-sidedly about how much and in how many ways all this had hurt him. He would expect me to listen to this with endless patience and without being able to get a word in edgewise. If I attempted to even mention its effects upon me, this would be met with a storm of anger and rage.

(I'm not saying I'd go along with this, just that this is what he would attempt to do.)

Then there's what I said in my other thread (incidentally, I'd really appreciate it if that could be locked now, so I can focus on the moving on stuff instead of rehashing the initial reactions):

I have read countless books on BPD. But I have also read 'Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men' and, being honest with myself, it fits even better than the BPD ones.

So I know that, every time they have a row, he will play on her insecurities about having been the other woman. He will say "B wouldn't have done that! I should have stayed with B! You'd better watch your step or I will be on the first train to B! I was happy with HER and now I'm stuck with YOU!"

And he won't mean a single word of it. He'll just use it to try and control and hurt her and make her feel inadequate so he has the upper hand...

I am under absolutely no illlusions regarding how this would work both ways.

If he came back and we decided to give it another go, I would be willing to truly forgive - by that I mean that I wouldn't hold it over or against him or throw it at him in arguments etc. I'd focus on learning from mistakes and going forward and treasuring each other. But...

In return, I would get "J would have done this for me!", "It's no wonder I went to J!", "I should have stayed with J!", "You'd better watch your step or I'll go back to J..." every time things didn't go completely his own way.

He'd even try it in the bedroom. If there was a sexual act I wasn't comfortable with, I'd hear "J would have done this for me! J wasn't boring like you!"

I have no doubts about that whatsoever - I know him.

Thinking about this, thinking about it realistically, is making me see that I might not actually want him back, whether I got the opportunity or not. It's helping.

[Bnonymous]

I can also see how there is part of me that needs to believe they aren't happy. It's not spite or schadenfreude. It's about how my sense of reality and confidence in my own perceptions has been shaken.

I was certain he loved me, was deeply attached to me, meant all the things he said about how I was the only one who really got him, the only one he'd ever shared his memories and feelings with, the only person he felt comfortable and at home with... I was certain about all of that.

And I was certain about his values, what they were, how he needed to live by them, how he couldn't be truly happy unless he was doing that...

And, if all of that were true, then they couldn't possibly be happy. So, if they are happy, then... All of that wasn't true or certain at all. And my sense of reality was way off-base. And my perceptions were wildly inaccurate. That is an extremely difficult thing to face. But I will get there.

If they are happy, then I honestly wish them well. I want him to be happy, with or without me. I just... couldn't face the possibility that my deepest certainties weren't so certain after all.

I'm not (and never have been) someone who needs to be right or can't stand being wrong in general. But, this last week, I have needed to be right about this. Because this isn't just anything - this is core certainities - to have been wrong about core certainties... It's a really really distressing and disorientating experience.

[Bnonymous]

Another thing, if he does try to come back, and if we do decide to give it another go...

That can only happen at all if it happens soon. Because I am setting off down the path of getting over him now. And it is a hard and steep path and I will not want to walk it more than once. If I start making headway on this road, then... That's it. I will not turn back. I will not make hard-won progress and then undo it all by turning back.

There isn't much of a window of opportunity to fix this now - it is closing rapidly. Very soon I will no longer wonder whether he's going to try and come back or not, because I will know that it's too late anyway and that I wouldn't be up for it anyway. Very soon.

I'm not walking the Getting Over Him road for nothing. I'm not. That's a new certainty.

And this is absolutely an about-me thing. It isn't something I wish to tell him. It is not an ultimatum I wish to make to him. I have no intention or desire to contact him and am not going to do so. It's just something I am recognising.

[Bnonymous]

So... Now for a little bit of stock-taking...

I have a dear friend who has known me since we were tiny and has been there for every milestone, good or bad.*

I have a daughter with a brilliant sense of humour with a mischievious gallows twist.

I have an ex-husband who has looked after my dog for me this last week and who spontaneously bought me some of my favourite bakers' rolls yesterday. I have an ex-husband who always has, and always will, work with me in the best interests of our daughter.

I have a mother who combines both care and respect to say "I have no doubt at all that you will hear from him again. If I were you, I wouldn't let him in again. But it is your life, no one else's. And you must live it your way and do what you think is best for you. At the end of the day, no one can judge a relationship except for the people in it. And only you get to decide if it's worth it to you or not. But I do need to say that was the last straw for me, and I, personally, will have nothing to do with him again after this."

I have a neighbour who is kind and funny and generous, with her time and with her spirit.

I have a dog who is a right royal pain the a*se, but unceasingly loving and affectionate and often makes me laugh.

I have a beautiful home which I can begin to make mine again. And a landlord who I would also call a "friend". A landlord who is a bit of a skinflint when it comes to cash, but generous in every other way... A landlord who lives a couple of miles away and, if he sees me walking home and he's driving past in the other direction, he will turn the car around and drive me. And he has a gallows sense of humour too and we laugh a lot together.

I have a houseful of books beckoning to be read.

I have a new project in hand which might possibly generate a little money and thus give me a little independence and security financially at some point in the future.

I have the most incredibly beautiful scenery right on my doorstep, woods, and mountains, and waterfalls, and even the sea not too far away. It is filled with painful memories at the moment, but, in time, I will reclaim it.

And, most of all, I have me. And I will always have me. I will always be on my own side, giving myself unconditional care and acceptance and regard. I lived without that for the first thirty years of my life, and I will never cease to be appreciative of it.


*I say I don't have friends - what I mean by that is that I don't have a social circle, I don't have people who I "hang out with" and spend time with. But it was a mistake (and a damned ungrateful one at that) to say I don't have *friends*.

[Bnonymous]

I don't have much experience of break-ups. And I have zero experience of harsh and sudden break-ups.

My ex-h and I got together when we were very young (university age) and we were each other's first relationship.

We grew apart very quickly. It became apparent within the first couple of years that the relationship wasn't working. But we tried for almost twenty years. We tried everything. After we had tried all the usual things for a very long time, we tried more extreme things.

We tried having an open relationship so that we could get the needs the other couldn't meet met elsewhere (I never had sexual contact with another person during this time, but I had asexual romantic online "things" where we'd send each other poetry etc). We tried living together as life partners but not romantic or sexual partners. We tried being romantic and sexual partners without living together. We really did try everything we could.

At the point I met my pwBPD (I'll call him "S"), ex-h and I had been living apart for several years. We had stopped trying for any kind of relationship, and, though I'd spend a lot of "family time" there, us and our daughter, we barely spoke. We were polite and not nastily or sulkily ignoring each other, we just... barely spoke.

Several months before I met S, I said to ex-h "I can't go on like this. I want and need to have a proper relationship and give and receive love. I would like that to be with you. But, if it can't be with you, then I want us to accept that now and move on with our lives, and I want to consider myself free to find someone else. Think about this and about what you want. If you reach out to me within the next few weeks, we can try and rebuild our relationship. If not, I will consider this marriage over and myself single and free to start a relationship with someone else."

He said nothing. And he didn't reach out.

Several months down the line from that point, I met S. And my ex-h was heartbroken. Suddenly he wanted to talk to me. And... I gave him that. I spent a lot of time with him, letting him say all the things he felt he needed to say, answering any questions he had, even spending some time watching telly with him, holding his hand. There was no ambiguity in this - we were both clear that what we were doing was saying a gentle and final goodbye.

Some people might not think that was the right way to go, but it was for us. And I look back on it as something very beautiful.

S was great about this. S was very compassionate and understanding and kept telling me I was doing the right thing and had his full support in this.

Now...

S has cut me off with no conversation at all. I don't get to say all the unsaid things (and I deeply regret that there are any). I don't get to ask questions or receive answers. I am supposed to (and, I accept, will have to) deal with someone being my partner and a huge part of my world one minute and then completely and totally gone the next.

I don't know what the point of this post was. Just that it's hard. That there's no closure and a lot of regrets. And that I don't know how to deal with that. It's something very new to me.

I have only had two serious relationships in my lifetime, ex-h and S. The contrast between this sudden break-up and the decade-or-more-long breaking down of my marriage is hard to get my head around.

My experience is very very limited. But my experience is of people trying their damnedest, in every way they can think of, for as long as they can manage, to make things work. And then offering each other support and comfort through the final-final ending. And remaining friends afterwards.

I've no experience of being cut off like I never existed or of cutting someone else off like that. It's all completely new to me. And I am struggling to know how to handle/process/move forward from that.

[AskingWhy]

Thanks. I'm really glad things are going better for you both. Twenty years? You must have had (and still have) something pretty special together to have managed to hold on to your relationship for so long, despite the inevitable swings and roundabouts. I'm really pleased for you.  

It's twenty years, and I am slowly getting tired of the drama and being put last in my H's life.  (I have mentioned that his adult children from his first marriage get priority over me.  He splits them white while I get to be black.  He lavishes an insame amount of money while I get trinkets in comparison.  When they are in his presence, his splits so much he is not even aware of my presence; his lovesick gaze is only for them.  It's almost like my H had three mistresses, and I am always at the bottom of his priorities.  I am getting tired of it.)

"Why Does He Do That?" is an excellent books about the mechanisms of physical and emotional abuse.  Although it does not specifically state PDs, it is spot on in describing the way pwBPD act.  

If you have not read the companion book of, "Why Does He Do That?"  I suggest you do so. It's called, "Should I Stay or Should I Go."  It's also by Lundy Bancroft.  It's a workbook on assessing one's R/S and deciding what to do next.

I like the point the book makes, asking the reader to assess, "You should feel loved a majority of the time."  The book said the partner should not have to say, "I am angry at your but I still love you," but you should feel it. It's a fact that pwBPD cannot do this.  They have only two states (thanks to their object relations problems): love and hate.  

If you think you might be at the point of breaking up, please read, "Should I Stay or Should I Go?"      It appears with your sleep schedule and eating that you might be depressed.  Who would not given what you are going through?  Give a lot of self care and reach out to friends or a professional therapist.  You will get through this.  

Of course, you can come here to vent.

[Bnonymous]

Thank you for your kindness, askingwhy.

I'm not in a position to choose stay or go - he has gone and I am starting to think that he won't return. It has, in the end, been his choice, not mine.

I am in a position to decide whether or not I would take him back if I got the opportunity though. I am still thinking that through at the moment. I think my answer is: I would take him back if I got the opportunity within the next few weeks; after that, I would not. Because, once I start the Getting Over Him process, I want to finish it. I don't want to start healing and then pick the scars.

(I may respond more fully shortly - there is something I want to try in another thread first.)

[AskingWhy]

Bnonymous,  as you know, I had a lover who was worse a BPD than my current H.

On that one day the lover left me at a restaurant in the middle of a meal, I was blindsided.  We had been dating for over five years, albeit in different cities in our state.  (We lived about an hour from each other and visited each other every weekend.)  I thought he could not possibly leave me, but I did not know he had already devalued me and discarded me.  (He was horribly enmeshed with his M.)  I gave him a week of silence and then called him and left a few voicemails.  Little did I know he had already moved to another city.  After my calls were not returned, I kept my dignity and no longer called him.  I later learned through mutual friend that he married three years after our break up.  

I fell into a depression, but kept on working at my job and kept moving forward.  In time, I started to date again.  Sadly, I did not learn enough about BPD men and ended up with my uBPD H!  

[Bnonymous]

That's awful, askingwhy. I am so sorry. 

I know how agonising it is to be dumped suddenly and totally like you were nothing. I can imagine it must have been really hard to come back from and I'm glad that you did.

My pwBPD was as loving with me as ever, right up till this. Holding me in the night, telling me he'd never known anyone who got him like I do, watching telly with his head or feet in my lap, brushing back my hair, cupping my face in his hand and gazing into my eyes soppily... And it wasn't a sudden resurgence of romance because it was ending or he felt guilty or etc etc - it was him continuing to act towards me as he always had, like nothing had changed.

The only change on his side was the secret (her) - we didn't do secrets; we respected each other's privacy, but we didn't do secrets (if you get the difference?).

The change on my side was greater. I really withdrew. I tried to just go to him and talk to him about my feelings and worries. I tried again and again, but I'd just be met with such gaslighting denial... I gave up and started withdrawing self-protectively instead. And I can see now what a huge mistake that was. I am going to have to live with that regret now for the rest of my life and I really don't know how I'm going to carry it.

But, other than the secret, he was the same to me as ever. That makes it so very impossibly hard for me to understand how I have suddenly become nothing to him, when he was still treating me like his world just days before.

[Bnonymous]

He has patterns that seemed beyond predictable; they seemed reliable.

He would split me sometimes. He would "dump" me sometimes. He would cut me off for a few days or a week or so. Then he would reach out. He would return to baseline and we'd have a genuine and open and two-way conversation about what had happened.

He would lie and gaslight sometimes and rage and refuse to listen to anything I had to say, just shout me down and talk over me. Then he would return to baseline. He would apologise and take responsibility and explain where his head was at when he did it. And we'd have a genuine and open and two-way conversation about what had happened.

And I trusted that. I trusted it, and him, completely.

And it is very very hard to break that trust and to give up the security I had in that pattern, the trust I had that he would always, always, return to baseline and to me. That trust was solid. And it was beautiful. And it let us work. I wasn't rocked by the outbursts or the "discards" - I didn't meet insecurity with insecurity - I was secure and I trusted him and what we had.

And, if I appear to have false hope now, well... It is because of that. It could have been called "false hope" any of the times he discarded me and it wouldn't have been - it would have been trust and security.

And I guess this time is different. And that is very very hard to wrap my head around. Keeping the faith was important, staying steady and unrocked and secure and trusting was important. It is extremely difficult to take in that something different might be called for now. I see it, but... How to give up on a trust and security that you know served you very well and was a very positive thing? It's difficult. And confusing.

And what I have been incoherently struggling to communicate since it happened is that question: Is this different this time? Does the fact that there is someone else involved this time mean that it is something completely different from every other discard and that the usual "rules" don't apply? Or is it more of the same with a new twist?

Because I don't know. And (other than waiting for time to tell) I don't see how I can know. This is someone who has raged at and hated and split me numerous times and always come back. This has been a reliable pattern since I've known him. So I don't think it's entirely unreasonable or self-deceiving of me to wonder if this is just more of the same.

I don't think I can know yet just how significant the "someone else" element of this discard is. It may be very significant. It may be the most important aspect and something that means this is a totally different situation to what I have encountered from him before and will not follow the usual pattern. But it may not. I really don't think I can be sure either way at this point.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Bnonymous-

I am so so sorry for what you’re experiencing.  I have read all of your posts...the way you express yourself is truly beautiful and moving.  Was reduced to tears at how you and your ex-h worked through the ending of your marriage, yet preserved your love and respect for one another.  Thank you for that.

I did not have that with either my ex-h of nearly 19 years (recently learned of his BPD traits); or with my uBPDbf (so many discards over 5+ years I’ve lost count).

The thing that I’ve had to reconcile for myself is that there will NEVER be closure from someone with a sick mind.  I can only speak for my BPDbf.  Any perceived notion of assigning the slightest “blame” or responsibility toward him is met with unbridled rage.  We are both 61 now.  My choice is to once again engage in the “delusion of forgive and forget”, or close the door for good.  Except this time, my family knows what he did; whereas in the past I hid the worst things he said and did.  That is my illness.  But not so much anymore.  My BPDbf did not cheat on me (to my knowledge).  I have great empathy, compassion and deep love for him.  Sometimes that isn’t enough.

You see the thing is, nothing changes until something changes.  I HAVE changed.  And healed a great deal.  I’ve broken down so I could rebuild and continue my effort to do that.  ExBPDbf has admitted to bad behaviors...Yet does nothing to change them.  And I have escaped my illusion that I can “love him to wellness”.  I have no choice this time but to ignore the fact that “he’s ready for me to forgive him”.  That’s been our pattern.

So my friend, the closure has to come from you and you alone.  We can help you with that.

This will sound painful, and has been a great source of pain for me.  In order to move toward closure, I literally force myself to remember his cruelty.  My mind wants to recall his beauty.  I cannot do that.  When the pain of missing him surges in me, I go back to my journal of his actions; and actually say to myself aloud, “I have to remember I feel like this.”  I engage in my share of disassociation due to past trauma.  So I bring myself back to “now” and the reality of the things he does to me.  It doesn’t make him bad.  It makes what he does bad for me.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Bnonymous]

Thank you, Gemsforeyes.

That was a really lovely, wise, and compassionate post, and I really appreciate it. 

I'm sorry you didn't get the gentle relationship endings you deserved.

One of the strange things about this is that it has made me almost go a bit BPD myself temporarily. When I was with him, my view of him was very integrated - I held in mind the good and the bad at once. This was very healthy for me. Since it happened, as my brain has struggled to process it, I have been veering wildly between "he was an abusive user and it was never real" and "he was perfect for me and the most beautiful human-being I ever knew". Both are kind of true. Neither is realistic on its own. But...

Because I suddenly feel that I don't know him, that everything I thought I knew and trusted has gone... I am reassessing. And reassessing rapidly and unstably, swinging and splitting like I have BPD myself. It's settling down a bit now, but it's been very frightening and a taste of what life must be like for people with BPD.

And thank you for being kind about my posts. I have been thinking that I must have sounded like... Well, you know when someone gets on a bus, wild-eyed and swearing and muttering to themselves, and you think "Please don't sit next to me. Please don't sit next to me..."? I've been thinking I must have been coming across like that.

And/or that I must have seemed like that elderly lady from The Waltons still harping on about Ashley Whatshisface.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Bnonymous-

Curious that you are now questioning whether you share BPD traits.  I am a sister in that line of questioning, so you’re in good company ... others on this site have shared that concern.  If memory serves, that may be referred to as “BPD fleas”. 

I finally found an incredible therapist (T) in late September 2018.  I had sent BPDbf away when he had a horrid rage at me a few days after my best girlfriend died unexpectedly in 2/2018.  She was 10 younger than me.  I miss her terribly.  At any rate, after her passing, and following BPDbf’s departure, I went into a deep depression.  Screamed at my reflection in the mirror, stopped my work in June, wouldn’t do my art, couldn’t hold a thought, realized the narc traits of my mom,  disappeared from my world, blah blah blah.  Slid back to when I was repeatedly molested as a child and brutally raped in college.  Screaming nightmares...an awful time.  Planned my escape, but couldn’t leave my dog.  Was convinced I was BPD.

After about a month with this T, she said Gems...you are NOT a borderline.  It would be understandable if you were, but you’re not.  So B...No, you don’t have BPD.  OR Traits.  I believe you’re experiencing a natural period of mourning and questioning pretty much all you thought you understood.

You’re going to be ok.  It takes time.  Give yourself that.

When I was/am with BPDbf, during those 5.5 years, I believe I raised my voice to him three times.  When he raged, I normally cowered in fear.  But not the last time in December 2018.  I did not cower.  I was downright cruel.  And I am ashamed of the words I forced from my mouth.  But that’s story for another time.

I want to say a few more things to you, B.  I recall your stating your view on “open” relationships, and not taking issue with that.  I speak for myself only here.  My “recovery” from the sexual attacks I experienced translated into my view that sex does not define intimacy for me.  At all.  Sex doesn’t mean anything to me.  That is sort of a survival mechanism.  I guess it had it be in order for me to be near men in a healthy way.  But I love sexuality and sensuality with a man I care about.  And I am fully present.  If I am uncomfortable, my mind is completely absent from my physical presence.  I have never said this before, so my words are not coming from my fingertips.  Sorry.  Do you find yourself feeling that way?

Finally, regarding future love.  Too soon to look out your window, I know.  Here is something I found in myself one day when I wasn’t questioning anything.  My well is full.  In spite of, or because of the amount of love and dedication I poured into my BPDbf, I have since come to understand that my well of love remains full.  It is as if not a drop has been emptied.  I don’t know who will receive that in the future, but I feel/believe I would like to give it away or somehow share it.  I want you to feel that.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Bnonymous]

Do you find yourself feeling that way?

Yes, dear Gem. I feel like I am talking to someone who understands for the first time since this happened and I really appreciate that.

Yes, I was raped too. And I see bodies and what bodies do as having absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with people and what people feel and value.

Main reason my marriage broke down is that I loathed sex. Absolutely loathed it. It was the last thing in the world I would ever want to do with someone I loved - it seemed like the antithesis of love, to me.

And my feeling with ex-h was "I don't mind who you have sex with, as long as it is someone, anyone, but ME!"

And one reason this has hit so hard is that it was not that like at all with pwBPD. He was the first positive and loving and truly intimate sexual experience I have ever had in my life. He is a survivor too and he GOT IT, really, really GOT it. And sex with him was beautiful and meaningful. For the first and only time in my life. He gave me something that I really thought I would never experience - I will never stop appreciating it.

And he used to say the same. He used to say that sex had always been a chore that left him feeling dirty before, and that, with me, it was something beautiful and meaningful and true making love, for the first time ever. And we're both in our 40s.

Was it a LINE? Did he say the same to her?

I don't think so. Because, last time he was here, while he was seeing her behind my back, he was looking in the mirror and shouting and shaking his first at his reflection and screaming "Dirty! Dirty! Dirty!"

And I do think this is what it's all about. I think he did something impulsive that made him feel dirty and ashamed and triggered old memories... And then I think he wanted to turn it into a relationship and "love" to kind of sanitise it for him. Do you get that? I suspect you will get that.

I know what we had and how infinitely precious it was to both of us. I know. And I feel like the world and its wife are asking me to discard and discount that. And it's incredibly hurtful.

Thank you for understanding.

I am so sorry about your friend. 

[Gemsforeyes]

My dear B-
My GOD... I do understand.  I wish I could embrace you.

No, I do NOT believe that your BPDbf fed you a line regarding intimacy.  I believe he was right there with you.  I am grateful that you were able to experience the beauty in intimacy that you did with him. 

There ARE things, moments, times that they share with us and only us.  They often have keen intuition and can really share some uncanny feelings and experiences with us that others cannot.  There is a reason we are chosen to soothe them.  And parts of them can soothe us.  Some type of trauma bond, which can be good or bad.  We will not be left with hate for the men we loved.

He will not share these with her.  She doesn’t have the depth or the decency.  That much is clear from her actions during the triangulation period.

I have to say that I agree with you that his initial act was likely impulsive; and my guess is that he was NOT the one to initiate it, and he did in fact feel deep shame around it.  In reading your earlier post, and now, I do believe he needed to legitimize his action by trying to turn that action into an actual “relationship” - good or bad.  And if it’s bad, even if he feels it’s bad FOR him, he could feel he “deserves” that punishment for what he did.  That’s the sad part.  A really sad thing.

I pray for his sake that he’s able to find his way to strength.  And find his way to health.

He is bound to have shame around this.  We both know that.  He seems to have experienced reflective moments following dysregulation.  And despite the absence most BPD’s have of object permanence, they cannot escape their thoughts.  Those often haunt them.

I hope I’m not off base here.  You are friendly with his ex-w, do I have that right?  Does she understand much about him?  Would it be too intrusive, Maybe after some time passes, to pass a message through his ex-w to him (privately) that it’s ok for him to phone you if he ever feels the need?  Again, after some time passes.  Just a thought, and this just came to mind after your most recent post.  If his shame really rises to the top about the sex and intimacy, and your sensitivity around that, he may need to know he can still speak to you.  Down the line, you could perhaps write a one sentence note that says something like
 “S- Please know you can phone me whenever you’d like.  We will always be friends.   With love,  B.”

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Bnonymous]

I hope I’m not off base here.  You are friendly with his ex-w, do I have that right?  Does she understand much about him?  Would it be too intrusive, Maybe after some time passes, to pass a message through his ex-w to him (privately) that it’s ok for him to phone you if he ever feels the need? 

Off-base, yes. But it's fine. I have no contact with anyone in his life. He had never been married. I guess you've got this impression from what I said about how that ex said "Poor girl doesn't have a clue what she's letting herself in for?". It was on the phone to him, in front of me.

I have met his daughter, but I wanted to protect her from the volatility of the relationship. I only met her because he briefly lived with me, and, obviously, his home is her home. I haven't seen her for over a year. I guess she felt rejected and not included and stuff, and that broke my heart. She's an absolutely lovely and amazing kid and I enjoyed every second with her. But it wasn't good for her. I think she felt I didn't care about her; reality is that I cared far too deeply to let her be hurt.

Thank you, Gem. I cannot tell you what your posts have meant to me. 

[Bnonymous]

He used to tell me that he felt "locked in," that all the things he really meant and felt, he couldn't express.

He found a way through this with music.

He'd be being absolutely vile to me, saying awful things, while, in the background, he was playing X-Ambassadors 'Unsteady'.

It is almost impossible for me not to hear that song in my head now.

[once removed]

One of the strange things about this is that it has made me almost go a bit BPD myself temporarily.

there are reasons we struggle in the ways that we do, and cope in the ways that we do. when we eventually find them, it can be a very freeing experience. i think youve touched on a great deal of it.

my ex left in a very similar manner...it was pretty vindictive too, though in different ways. it blew my mind, shattered my world, and threatened all of my concepts about who i was.

time does dull the pain, so you can virtually take for granted that it gets better. healing, in my experience, we have to dig deep and reach for.

[Bnonymous]

Thanks, Once. I'm sorry you went through that. It's a profoundly unsettling experience.

[Bnonymous]

At the moment, I desperately (and that's the word) want to hear from him. The abruptness of the transition is extremely hard to deal with. We spent three nights a week together. On the days he wasn't here, we'd talk on the phone for an hour or more in the morning, then the same again in the evening, and he'd text throughout the day. He was a constant presence. And now he's vanished completely, cut me off totally... The suddenness and totality of the contrast is almost impossible to cope with.

At the moment, I'd give almost anything to hear from him.

But...

I do suspect that, by the time he eventually does make contact (if he ever does), then I won't want to know. I really do. I think it will be too late by then. I think I will have started to adjust to the new circumstances. I think the habit of it will have been well and truly broken and hold no power over me anymore.

Although I want nothing so desperately as to hear from him right now... I think that, by the time I do, I will react to it like I would react to a hammer held over my head. I think I will react to it as a threat and a reminder of pain.

I want so much for him to contact me. But I get the feeling that it won't be long until that's the last thing I want. I don't know how long this will take, whether it will be days, weeks, or months. But it's strange to both want something so desperately and, simultaneously, anticipate a time when it wouldn't be welcome.

I imagine the phone ringing... I imagine it like magical thinking, like the power of suggestion could make it happen... I imagine it, and yet... This turns from a wish into a rehearsal, an "if this happened, then I..." mental rehearsal. And... This is so strange and confusing, but... I don't know if I would or could answer. How strange is that? I am desperate for the phone to ring. I am willing the phone to ring... Yet, if it did... I think my emotional response would not be relief but fear...

I can't get my head around all this at all.

And I'm a big believer in Sod's Law (laughs) - I have a feeling that, if I do hear from him again, it won't be now while I'm desperate for contact. It will be then, when it's the last thing I want. It will probably not come at a time when it could relieve my pain, but at a time when all it can do is revive it.

[Bnonymous]

I want to tell you all something that is genuinely making me laugh.

When we'd only been together a couple of months and I was going to his instead of him coming here... I kept a pair of trainers there. They were the only things of mine in his flat.

At the time, I didn't have online banking set up. I hated the thought that he had no family or friends, no one he could call on in the way I call on my mom if I need to borrow a fiver. And I hated how I was a couple of hours train journey away and not someone he could just pop round to. It wasn't about money itself - it was that "having someone to call on" thing. I've always been blessed with that and I wouldn't want anyone else to live without it. So...

I slipped £30 under the insole of one of my trainers. So it would be there in case of "emergencies".

A few weeks later, he was on the phone to me in a panic because the landlord kept banging the door wanting his rent and he was (by pure coincidence) £30 short. He wasn't asking me to give (or even lend) him the money. If anything, he wanted tips on how to deal with the landlord. But...

I said "You know my trainers under your bed? Look in the left one. Just under the insole. I've left £30 there for 'emergencies'."

His reaction? Was he touched and appreciative that someone cared enough to do something like that? Was he heck! (This really does make me laugh, in a genuine, not bitter way.)

"You've done WHAT? What the f*** is WRONG WITH you? Who the f*** puts money IN A SHOE? That's f***ing NUTS, that is! You're f***ing NUTS! You're telling me I've got to put my hand in THERE? That's disgusting!"

Can't stop laughing now.

Why, oh why, did I not just dump him there and then? *giggles*

I remember telling my friend on the phone about it. She said "He really put his foot in it there" (meaning he said something tactless) - I quipped back, quick as you like, "He'd have had no issues with putting his foot in it - it was his hand he didn't want to have to go there!"

And, please, no one take this as a revealing vignette into the nature of our relationship, or a sign that I always stepped in to fix things, or anything like that (semi-serious here, semi-joking). It wasn't. I'm from a culture of poor and generous people who know what it's like to struggle and never hesitate to help each other out. I remember my mom and her neighbours always giving each other their last fiver. That wasn't codependence or a need to fix or anything like that - it was cooperation and *community*. And I guess I wanted him to feel part of something like that too. Because it's almost impossible to hate the world when you feel part of something like that.

It's not a bitter memory, The Shoe-Money Incident. It's almost a happy one. Because, in retrospect, I do take his point... *giggles* The whole thing makes me laugh in an affectionate way, at him, at myself, at the weird and wonderful nature of humanity... And I need that right now.

[Bnonymous]

I'm even scared of laughing...

I think I might not be stable enough to laugh yet. When you're feeling this fragile, the line between laughter and tears is hair-thin.

I wish there were a way to reverse block a phone number, so you can accept incoming calls and messages but prevent outgoing ones. The temptation is almost overpowering. It's not quite overpowering. I am resisting. I am exercising my better judgement. But... It's hard to resist. It takes a lot of willpower and emotional energy to resist. I would like a break from that internal struggle. I would like to know he can contact me, but I would also like to know that I can't (pointlessly attempt to) contact him.

Doing so would do no good. It would just invite more humiliating texts from her, in the role of secretary-cum-bouncer. It would absolutely NOT be a good move. But it's awfully hard to resist and I wish I didn't have to have that battle with myself.

One more thing: I apologise for being so self-absorbed right now. I apologise for being wrapped up in my own stuff and not devoting much time to listening to and responding to other people. I can see I'm doing it. I know it's both selfish and unhealthy. And I know that I should think of others for their sake and also for my own, that it will do me good to look beyond myself. Please don't think I don't care. I do. I just have VERY limited head-space available right now. This won't last long - please bear with me and accept my apologies.

[Cat Familiar]

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