Who Pays when Adult BPD Child Moves Out?

[Moana]

I have seen a lot of posts about young adult BPD's either wanting to move out or being nudged / kicked out by parents and I am wondering, do most people still pay for their BPD adult when they move out?

My BPD18 wants her own apartment (thinks it will solve all her problems...) but can't afford it and only works part time, I am not even sure she could afford it if she worked full time. Living with a roommate would be cheaper but she didn't have success with that at college and I know many BPD's can't deal with roommates.

Apartments are expensive in our area and once you add in all the other expenses and a car, insurance, etc. there is no way she could do it unless we were to foot most of the bill which we are not willing / able to do at this point.

Anyway, just wondering what others do when faced with this dilemma.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Our Ds24xBPD lives in his own apartment. He pays his own rent because he does have money. But  his income cannot all be documented so my husband co-signed the lease. To be honest this probably was enabling on his part but we didn't want him to be homeless so that is what we did. DH has however told DS that this was a one time thing. By the time the lease runs out in 2 years we expect him to have gotten his finances together and be able to qualify for a lease or mortgage on his own.

[FaithHopeLove]

It is not easy to know what to do. You say your daughter can't afford to pay her own rent and you can't afford to subsidize her. I hope you don't feel bad about that. Her rent really isn't your responsibility. Do you think that maybe her desire to live on her own might motivate her to make the changes in her life that she needs to make in order to earn her own living?

[Mr. Dake]

My daughter is a Junior in high school.  She thinks that living on her own would solve all of her problems.  The plan is for her to attend the local community college when she graduates from high school through the high school program that she's part of.  My wife and I don't feel that we can live with her abuse until she's 22.  I recently said that we may have to find a way for her to live on her own when she's 18 and starts college.  Interesting, she's now feels hurt that her older brother and sister were allowed to live at home while in college (it was encouraging that she was able to express how she's feeling).  Our response was that our current living situation isn't good for her, my wife, or me.       

[FaithHopeLove]

I hear you Dake. You have to set boundaries.

[wendydarling]

This is something I also want to talk about so thanks for bringing us together Mona. Your question will your DD ever be able to support herself financially living independently, I've mulled over the same these last few years. My 30DD lives with me peacefully. I have a stepped plan 1) following crisis 2015, very ill she engages in helping her mental health - fortunately she is and it's ongoing.  2) Get back to work (she worked full time to Dec 2016) - current challenge, she talks of starting two days a week. 3) Live independently. I live in an expensive capital. My DD does not want to live alone, this is fortunate as it means bills are shared. My thinking is she take out a lease on a 2 bed flat and rent out a room. This means she also has security to end the sublease. She needs to get to understand how the social security system works so if she can't work she claims support be that disability or unemployment. I've also been researching trusts managed by parents whose children have mental health issues, where they can release money under certain conditions. I'm really thinking here of continued mental health support eg therapy, wellbeing to help her keep in employment. We've a way to go    So in answer to your Q Mona, I will not be paying bills, though am considering leaving money in a trust for her mental health.

What does your DD say to you about her being able to afford to live independently? As FHL says her desire may motivate her and to do some problem solving.

FHL I like how you are very clear with your DS, no more rescuing, he can do this is a positive message. I think moving on from where he lived with his ex-GF is also healthy.

Dake welcome  , I'm sorry your DD is abusive to you and your wife and glad you're communicating your boundaries, placing responsibility where it lies helps.

WDx

[Lollypop]

Hi Moana

Does your daughter have the life skills to live independently?

If she doesn’t, then how will she learn them?

My adult son left three times from 18-22. Each time I knew he didn’t have the skills. He’d fail, feel even worse about his abilities and then I’d save him financially and emotionally. This was pre-dx. I thought that as long as I kept dishing out the money to help “fix” his situation that somehow eventually he’ll grow up. I was living in cloud coockoo land.

My advice is to think long and hard about your situation.

To live independently successfully requires financial management skills and also importantly how to take care of yourself just for starters.

It’s our job to raise our kids to have the skills to live independently, whatever their limitations. They have to find a way to live their own life. If they need more money then they work more hours or organise benefits.

My son was physically fit and healthy, the Doctors insisted he was fit for work, he refused to sign up for any social benefits.

What were my choices?  

Keep on paying for him. What does he learn? This is not real life. Life is not a free ticket.

Or stop giving him money, stop enabling. THIS is where personal growth and learning begins.

To behave like an adult, then they must be treated like one. With an open heart, love and nonjudgmental approach.

At 18 there was no way my son could look after a plant, never mind himself. At 28, he can just about manage HIS  finances but emotionally he’s not that resilient, he’s incredibly lonely and his place is filthy. He still does drugs and avoids paying payments against a car loan we have him. He just about  manages.

He’s had to learn to live with others because he can’t afford to live alone. That’s the consequences of his choices - he doesn’t spend his money wisely.

Finances and BPD do not mix well. The money confuses the relationship. They become stressed by it. That’s my experience any way. Please consider this.

You set them up in a situation then that becomes their norm. There has to be motivation to change.

This is not about what your daughter wants. This is about what you want. You set her up and keep on paying - you may get a calmer home. That may be your priority.  

LP

[livednlearned]

I have heard financial planners say to create a runway where your D18 would need to pay rent and utilities and all the other expenses necessary for, say, 3 months while she lives with you. If she can do that, then she is ready to move out. You could save that money up and use it to help if she can't make ends meet (stuff happens), knowing that this is a trial period and if she fails, it's her own money used to soften the blow. When it runs out, she is back at home and can try again.

What are your thoughts about doing something like that?

[Mirsa]

Great question and topic!

Congrats Dake on your early planning and commitment to your own peace and happiness.  I'm 100% with you on this score. 

I was wondering Moana, is your DD a college student?  If she is taking classes, then I think some financial support makes sense.  But if she's not a full-time college student, especially in a different area than you live, and/or you cannot afford it, then I think the ideas that LivednLearned suggested make a lot of sense.   So I agree with not enabling young adults financially, but I do think the peace and serenity of your home are super important. 

I have a friend who is 58, makes a great salary, but is in financial straights and not saving for retirement bc he spends $$ supporting his two young-adult children and his ex-wife.  I don't understand why he would endanger his own financial future for the sake of three people who are completely capable of working, but choose not to do so.  Honestly, why should they?  He is working hard enough for all of them. 

Please take care of yourself.  Don't be afraid to put yourself and your own needs, both emotional and financial, first.