UBPDh was registered to explicit sexual site, similar to tinder

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

So here I am, while searching for passwords on the shared keychain I came across a website called “Uplust”. It sounded strange, so I clicked on the saved password and registration, there were two almost identical email registration from different Domains. The screen name was the same, “registration name2016@blah, blah” for both of them. This was my final bastion that I upheld above all, his fidelity. The site, similar to Instagram only sexual, enabled the user to share and also meet and connect with other people. When I tried to log in under both passwords, it didn’t allow me. I, however was able to log in into one email used for registration with the same password. It was registered back at 2016. I tried to rationalize that it’s all in my head, but the proof just kept on coming back, it’s not my kids, who might have used the phone, they would have been too young. Not just one, but two! Registrations. Same password, one for hotmail and the other for another provider.
I was due to pick him up for work as we share one car. I arrived 20 min earlier and asked him to come downstairs. He sounded annoyed. When he got into the car, I asked him quietly, purposefully lowering my voice, so he wouldn’t accuse me of going hysterical. “ what is this?” His screen name”, he looked at me bewilded. I repeated his nick name and the site that he was registered to, and asked him what it was. Next second he was slapping me on the face yelling “I was so scared someone died or got into an accident, don’t you ever come with this nonsense, I don’t know what you are talking about, I didn’t do it”. Next thing he said if I ever asked him if things like this, he would file for divorce. He got out of the car and said he would walk home. As I drove, I cried so hard, feeling completely defeated. What was this?. Did he do it? Where is the explanation? Who else could possibly done it, it’s only us on this account. I felt crazy. I also felt like the rug has been pulled out of me. I’be called the pastor who initiated our marriage ceremony on one of our receptions. I need to speak to someone. I took my vows to him seriously and never did anything to compromise our marriage. And here we are, he either had an active account there or registered but didn’t follow through. His violent reaction could mean two things- one he is bewilded at the accusation, second he is angry he was caught. Either one doesn’t excuse his behaviour.

[snowglobe]

So here I am, while searching for passwords on the shared keychain I came across a website called “Uplust”. It sounded strange, so I clicked on the saved password and registration, there were two almost identical email registration from different Domains. The screen name was the same, “registration name2016@blah, blah” for both of them. This was my final bastion that I upheld above all, his fidelity. The site, similar to Instagram only sexual, enabled the user to share and also meet and connect with other people. When I tried to log in under both passwords, it didn’t allow me. I, however was able to log in into one email used for registration with the same password. It was registered back at 2016. I tried to rationalize that it’s all in my head, but the proof just kept on coming back, it’s not my kids, who might have used the phone, they would have been too young. Not just one, but two! Registrations. Same password, one for hotmail and the other for another provider.
I was due to pick him up for work as we share one car. I arrived 20 min earlier and asked him to come downstairs. He sounded annoyed. When he got into the car, I asked him quietly, purposefully lowering my voice, so he wouldn’t accuse me of going hysterical. “ what is this?” His screen name”, he looked at me bewilded. I repeated his nick name and the site that he was registered to, and asked him what it was. Next second he was slapping me on the face yelling “I was so scared someone died or got into an accident, don’t you ever come with this nonsense, I don’t know what you are talking about, I didn’t do it”. Next thing he said if I ever asked him if things like this, he would file for divorce. He got out of the car and said he would walk home. As I drove, I cried so hard, feeling completely defeated. What was this?. Did he do it? Where is the explanation? Who else could possibly done it, it’s only us on this account. I felt crazy. I also felt like the rug has been pulled out of me. I’be called the pastor who initiated our marriage ceremony on one of our receptions. I need to speak to someone. I took my vows to him seriously and never did anything to compromise our marriage. And here we are, he either had an active account there or registered but didn’t follow through. His violent reaction could mean two things- one he is bewilded at the accusation, second he is angry he was caught. Either one doesn’t excuse his behaviour.

[snowglobe]

The most painful and confusing thing,, is I don’t know what he had done, how far did he go? Was it only registration? Did he communicate with anyone? Had he met with someone? Gaslighting is incredibly confusing phenomena. On one hand I’m staring at the registration from 2016, on the other hand he only said once “I didn’t register anywhere... but if you ask me again, it will be a divorce”.

[formflier]

   

I would hope you don't let his threats deter you from having a conversation about it.

What is the keychain thing you are speaking of?  I'm having a hard time imagining where these passwords are.

Best to you...

FF

[snowglobe]

   

I would hope you don't let his threats deter you from having a conversation about it.

What is the keychain thing you are speaking of?  I'm having a hard time imagining where these passwords are.

Best to you...

FF

This is a hill I will die on Ff, infidelity is my deal breaker and I can’t continue our relationships until we have that talk. We, as I now know share one Apple ID, which saves passwords from any websites visited. There isn’t expiration date on how far back the websites and passwords go. When he goes on any websites, the iPhone prompts him to remember the password. He can intimidate or decline. He must have overlooked that. I was able to log in into one of the emails he was registered with. It’s empty. There are only 3 emails. One when he opened it up, second when it informed him of terms and conditions and third when I tried to log in, security alert. I don’t know how far he had gotten into the process or what he did or didn’t do. All I know now is that “strangeman2016” was registered on to that account. Second email, unfortunately for him, was registered to the domain that is “Eastern European” thus convincingly stating that it was him.
After this violent reaction, he is acting as if I’m the guilty one, not speaking to me. When I asked him if we could talk this morning, he told me to go and f myself.
Ff, what do I do?

[snowglobe]

Ff,
Keychain is a virtual hard drive that all pictures, data, sites and passwords get registered to. You can pull it up should you need it, with the same passcode one uses to log into the phone.

[Bnonymous]

I'm so sorry to hear this, snowglobe.

This registration is from a few years back, and it looks as though it never went further than that, judging from the fact there were only those couple of messages. It has been so long ago that you are unlikely to remember what was happening around it at the time - it may have been an impulsive angry move that he quickly regretted and took no further. It sounds this way.

I'm not underestimating the impact it must have had on you though. In a way, I guess the fact it was so long ago hurts even more, because of all that time you were unaware this had happened?

The gaslighting sounds like one of the hardest things to deal with. This would probably be easier to process and deal with if he had held his hands up and explained what had been going through his head at the time he made this registration. If he had given you honesty and sincerity, you might now be able to trust and take comfort from if he told you it went no further. But, because of his reaction, you don't have that and are left with lots of questions and no way to get answers. That must be really hard.

The violence is concerning. Is this something that has happened before?

[formflier]

The violence is concerning. Is this something that has happened before?

Exactly...!

FF

[snowglobe]

I'm so sorry to hear this, snowglobe.

This registration is from a few years back, and it looks as though it never went further than that, judging from the fact there were only those couple of messages. It has been so long ago that you are unlikely to remember what was happening around it at the time - it may have been an impulsive angry move that he quickly regretted and took no further. It sounds this way.

I'm not underestimating the impact it must have had on you though. In a way, I guess the fact it was so long ago hurts even more, because of all that time you were unaware this had happened?

The gaslighting sounds like one of the hardest things to deal with. This would probably be easier to process and deal with if he had held his hands up and explained what had been going through his head at the time he made this registration. If he had given you honesty and sincerity, you might now be able to trust and take comfort from if he told you it went no further. But, because of his reaction, you don't have that and are left with lots of questions and no way to get answers. That must be really hard.

The violence is concerning. Is this something that has happened before?

Thank you for your support,
If you read from my previous posts, there have been many incidents of reactive violence, especially recently. It’s mostly pushing, slapping, shoving and attempts to kick.

[snowglobe]

Exactly...!

FF

Ff,
As you know there have been many incidents of that.
How would you suggest for me to reapproach the subject?

[Bnonymous]

Thank you for your support,
If you read from my previous posts, there have been many incidents of reactive violence, especially recently. It’s mostly pushing, slapping, shoving and attempts to kick.

I'm sorry to hear that. 

I have some more questions, but I don't want to make you go backwards and explain things you've already been through. If you'd like to give me a link to the relevant other threads, I'll try and catch up.

[AskingWhy]

This is a hill I will die on Ff, infidelity is my deal breaker and I can’t continue our relationships until we have that talk.

snowglobe, I am so sorry this is happening.

I think every one of us on this site has a deal breaker.  We can forgive our pwBPD for number of things that happen in dysregulation episodes, but we all have deal breakers even if we have never pondered what they might be.  Mine involve scaring the pets one time too many, or hurting them, or maybe uBPD H getting a little too stupid with his adult children, such as given them money to buy drugs, or buying one of them a new car, or some other insane extravagance.  (Again, while I only get a card and flowers for a birthday.)  The last straw might arrive all of a sudden in these instances.

The violence is of concern to me.  There is a test/predictor of violence that I urge you to take.  It's called the MOSAIC test.  It is free and anonymous.  Please take it make a safety assessment for yourself. 

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety-first-dv-1.pdf

https://www.mosaicmethod.com/




  

[AskingWhy]

On one hand I’m staring at the registration from 2016, on the other hand he only said once “I didn’t register anywhere... but if you ask me again, it will be a divorce”.

Divorce threats are common with pwBPD.  My uBPD makes them on a regular basis.  (He has since reduced doing this as the threats don't work.)  My H once made something like four threats over a period of three days.   Looking back, I see this is so unreal and laughable.   

If you have read, "Why Does He Do That?  Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling men," by Bancroft, divorce threats and threatening to otherwise leave is a form of abuse.

Please see this site on coercive behaviour and threats to leave. Abusive men often do this because women value relationships:   https://www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Behaviors/basic_coercion.html

I personally know the utter despair and tear you have cried.  In the past, when my uBPD H dysregulated, raged, told me he hated me, called me "b&tch" and "c%nt," threatened to divorce me, punched holes in walls, overturned furniture and destroyed my property, I would be broken down into utter tears and sobbing.  In time, I came to learn to love myself and no longer be affected by the abuse.  I know now my H is a very sick man.  I learned to communicate with him differently, but--most of all--I learned to love myself and see I did not deserve the mistreatment.  

You are right that you did not deserve the reaction you received.     


 

[Cat Familiar]

Hey snowglobe, have you had that conversation yet?

[Perdita]

Apart from the slapping part, the rest of his behavior is very similar to mine whenever I dare confront him- especially when I have the facts to back it up.

It's very hurtful when they have these outbursts. I find it almost impossible to have any real conversation about serious matters without him having an outburst.  He punches and kicks things, throws stuff across the room.  Then he threatens to leave.  I have come to see it as flat out intimidation.  What they are really saying is that we must shut up about any wrongdoing on their part or our punishment will be that they will end the r/s.

[snowglobe]

Hey snowglobe, have you had that conversation yet?

I couldn’t face him until this morning. Every time I saw the registration in my head, the tears were steaming down my face. So I waited until this morning. It coincided with my best friend’s birthday party, I wanted to know where we stand. As I approached him this morning, he said that “since you increased my cortison level, I will punish you and not attend the party that we were both invited to”. Long story short, he said that he will only speak to me on Sunday, once the party passes. We didn’t have the conversation

[snowglobe]

Apart from the slapping part, the rest of his behavior is very similar to mine whenever I dare confront him- especially when I have the facts to back it up.

It's very hurtful when they have these outbursts. I find it almost impossible to have any real conversation about serious matters without him having an outburst.  He punches and kicks things, throws stuff across the room.  Then he threatens to leave.  I have come to see it as flat out intimidation.  What they are really saying is that we must shut up about any wrongdoing on their part or our punishment will be that they will end the r/s.

I see no value in such one sided relationships, in fact, until I get my closure with a plausible explanation that I will check out, my relationships with him are on hold. If it doesn’t turn out true, even reprocossions of loosing it won’t stop me

[Cat Familiar]

Hi snowglobe, How has the issue about the explicit sexual site resolved? Did you talk with him about it? If so, did he admit to signing up?

[snowglobe]

Hi snowglobe, How has the issue about the explicit sexual site resolved? Did you talk with him about it? If so, did he admit to signing up?

Hi Cat,
What a whirlwind it was; I couldn’t not fact him after his outburst for several days. I needed to process the pain and grieve a loss of a dream. When the two days passed and we needed to attend my best friend’s birthday party, I came to him and asked him to come, as she invited us as a couple. To which he refused to talk to me, sighting that the only reason I’m now talking to him is because of the social engagement pending. I asked him when will he be available to talk about what has transpired. He agreed for the following day. I went to the party on my own, wished my friend a happy birthday I came back home. Far departure from the church mouse I used to become when things went awry. The following day we woke up, all previous night he was tossing and turning and so was I. When I asked him if he is ready to explain himself; he said the following; “at first I got angry and humiliated when you accused me of registering at such sight as my heart and consciousness was clear. I took it as insult as I have been faithful to you, so I striked in anger. As I was walking, I was trying to remember and then I did. During one of my bingies on cocaine I was trying to view a high resolution porn, which required registration on the several sites in order to view it for free. I did, and when one of the kids walked in, I panicked and closed it. When I tried to log in again, my coked our brain could not remember the right log in, that is why there were several almost identical. I never registered the second email, that’s why you could not find it. I have not used it, nor activated this account since 2016. I forgot it existed”. I listened to his words as they were what I expected and suspected them to be. He doesn’t go unaccounted anywhere, so I would find it highflying improbable to have an affair. He didn’t apologize, as in his mind I overreacted. I reinstated that infedelity is a deal breaker for me, he reiterated that he knows that solemnly.

[Cat Familiar]

I went to the party on my own, wished my friend a happy birthday I came back home. Far departure from the church mouse I used to become when things went awry.

Awesome 

I reinstated that infedelity is a deal breaker for me, he reiterated that he knows that solemnly.

I think you have more power in the relationship than you give yourself credit.