I think a line has been crossed

[Yaffle]

Hi All,

I've not been on for a while as I've been very busy at work and also have been coping ok.  Last night has taken things a bit further now and I really think I need to re-asses my situation and get motivated to get out.

Most of the day was ok.  My oldest son has decided that he want to save up for a pet.  My mum gave him £5 towards this which he promptly nearly lost so I said I'd have the money and keep it in my bank for him.  Obviously I didn't actually pay the money in, I put it in my wallet but have transferred some money into a savings account so its there when he needs it.

Anyway, in the evening just as the kids were being told that it was bed time the oldest started messing about (as he often does; and I get moaned at for telling him off).  This time however he spilled my uBPD GFs glass of wine.  She snapped at him and threatened to take money out of his pocket money which really upset him.  I haven't got too much of a problem with the deducting of money if he doesn't put things away  etc. so I would be ok with what she said except it was the way she said it and how the amount she was going to take increased.  I think she quickly realised how much she had upset him and then switched to having a go at me instead, i think to deflect from the upset she had caused him.  She started acusing me of stealing his moneyand threatened to message my mum to tell her that (Mum was there when I said I'd put it in the bank for him).
 It got so bad I left the house for an hour or so but unfortunately when I got back she was still awake and started all over again only this time there were a few physical incidents too.  I got called all the names under the sun including the 'C' word and then she hit my elbow once and threw a couple of cushions at me.  She also accused me of being controlling but then switched the TV off and walked off with the remote control.  She didn't actually hurt me at all but I am now worried that she has crossed that physical line and will do it again when this time she could actually hurt me.

[Ozzie101]

Hi Yaffle and welcome back!

The accusations of stealing the kids' money have come up before, haven't they? Definitely sounds like a misdirection on her part to cope with her own feelings of guilt for having gone too far/spent too much money, etc.

This is the first time she crossed the physical line? How did you handle it? How did you react?

[Yaffle]

Yeah she has accused me of taking money before.  Quite ironic really when I think she has helped herself out of my wallet a few times.

I just sat there and said don't hit me.  I managed to stay calm though it was getting a bit close to me snapping at one point when she was calling me a 'C' right in my face

[Ozzie101]

Sounds like it is projection on her part. She knows what she's done. She feels guilty. She can't handle the guilt (pwBPD tend to feel shame very intensely) so she projects it onto you. My H has done that before, not with money, but with other things, like accusing me of not doing enough around the house when, really, he was feeling guilty for not pitching in enough.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It would be extremely difficult to just sit there and stay calm in the face of abuse, but it sounds like you did that very well. I have spent a good bit of time with a domestic violence counselor and one thing she said was that staying calm is a big part of personal safety. If you get worked up in response, it can cause them to ramp up even further and you end up with a very serious situation.

My H has admitted that he would deliberately try to get a rise out of me. He felt so angry and out of control, he felt like if I got angry too, it would validate how he felt. Do you think that might be going on here?

Leading up to this incident, have you noticed an increase in the frequency and intensity of her dysregulations?

[Yaffle]

Its difficult to say really.  I haven't had to leave the house for a while so obviously there haven't been any really bad incidents but there have been a lot of times over the last few months when she has had a go at me for anything she can think of.   A lot of times.   And I don't think she's had a nice word to say to me in months. 

[Cat Familiar]

The title of your thread refers to a line being crossed. What line specifically?

[Yaffle]

The physical violence.  Worried that now she's done it and got away with it she'll think she can do it again

[Cat Familiar]

What is your plan, now that this is a concern?

[Yaffle]

Well I've been wanting to get out for just about ever but find it too easy to stay especially with the kids involved and interlinked finances etc.  So try and push myself into leaving - first things first though will be to have a discussion with mum to warn her that I could be arriving at her house at some point!

[Cat Familiar]

If you can stay with your mother, then what's next in your plan?

[Yaffle]

Clear my debts,save up a bit then get somewhere to live with room for the kids

[AskingWhy]

Late to this thread, but I am happy, Yaffle, that you are ready to start to move on your inclinations on the R/S.  Be well and be safe, and protect your children.  Also, in this time of crisis and transition, it's no time for a child to be acquiring a pet.  A pet is a living creature with feelings, and you don't want to bring them into this situation regardless of how the pet might delight your child.