Third time. I'm leaving him. We had another physical fight. Part 2

[Frankee]

This is a continuation of a previous thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=334538.0

I don't know what to do about the kids.  A large part of me knows that he can't handle them by himself.  If I am in the house and he is taking care of them, I am still in earshot in case it starts to become to much.  I had a discussion with him.  He was telling me that he would get everything set on the houseboat to be moved into in and if I still feel like I want to leave him, he will go somewhere else.  I don't believe him. I know he will use the time to honeymoon phase me again and make me feel like everything is okay.  

I am crushed.  He knows how to say the right things.  I am an emotional rollercoaster and I am struggling hardcore trying to keep my head on straight.  I am fighting with just giving up because I feel so completely wore out and I've already done this once.  Before I had adrenaline keeping me going.  Now I am fighting to find the energy to try again.  

I have a final exam I have to study for tonight and do tomorrow.  That will knock one out of the three of my classes.  I can't focus on what is going on with him until I take my test.  Getting less than a C would crush me because I lose my financial aid.  I don't know what will happen to my state of mind.  

I have some very difficult decisions coming my way.  How much more can one person really take?  I am still not fully healed from a very invasive surgery.  I almost felt another anxiety attack last night.  My body is screaming at me that I can't keep doing this.  I am starting to suffer in my health.  I really hope I can make it through.

[Notwendy]

Do what you need to do to take care of yourself . If he’s in remorseful stage then focus on your tests for now. You can figure out what to do after that.

Some campuses have student counseling. If you are willing to tell them what is going on - then they may help arrange an extension on tests / assignments if you need one. I don’t know the rules at your school but in many colleges a medical note may allow a student to take a make up test if you need to do this.

[Frankee]

I have been trying to reach my counselor to set up an appointment, but haven't been able to.

I find I am having emotional mood swings.  I feel fine and can carry on like it didn't happen, then I feel the sadness come back.  I replay the incident in my head without thought to it.  I feel humiliated, embarrassed, sad.  I see the small mark on my hand and I feel a heaviness in my heart.  I don't feel like I did before when he hurt me.  I don't feel scared or like I want to end it.  I just feel sad.  Like my spirit has been crushed and empty.

I am trying to put my priorities first, but I find late at night is when it creeps in.  When the boys are to bed and the day slows down.  I am working with him to make sure we get everything out of the house by the end of the month. I just still don't know what I am going to do after that.

[AskingWhy]

I have been trying to reach my counselor to set up an appointment, but haven't been able to.

I find I am having emotional mood swings. 

Frankee, make sure you get in touch with some support on this.  You are going through a very rough time.  We understand here, too, but it's nice to talk on the phone or in an office about your issues.

Stay strong and safe, but remember your children and pets depend on you.  Also be strong for them.   

[Frankee]

I think I saw the first glimpse.  We were talking and he asked me about my phone.  He says I have been attached to my phone since the incident happened.  Wanted to know why I was and if I didn't want him going through it.  I told him because we fought more than once about me not answering the phone.  I told him I am not going to sit here and intentionally cause fights over something I know that has upset him quite a bit in the past.  He says I have before.  My issue is, He's never said anything about going through my phone before.  Never had any interest.  I got a touch but defensive without even realizing it and it made him upset.   He said I am changing so what makes him think this isn't going to change ( me talking to somebody else).  He got upset I won't answer the phone for him (texts) but I seem to always have it.  I think for safety purposes, I should acknowledge texts from him, even when I don't want to talk to him.  I don't know how else to put out that fire.

I reassured him that I have moral on cheating and no matter how hurt, angry,  or upset, That would never change.  This time I am not intentionally trying to upset him and it seems he wants me to act like before when I threatened to leave.  He tells me he is mentally preparing for me to leave and He's been trying but it seems like for nothing.  He said he isn't done trying to show me how sorry he is, but I feel like he is starting to pressure me to show him... I don't know... That it Is like Every time before I said I was leaving and after a few days I forgive him.  Our discussion was a red flag.  It made me realize that there really is a possibility that he could come apart if he really does realize that his attempts won't stop me from leaving.  I think I need to be more wary of the reality of the situation.

I think he is being controlling with the phone issue.  I see that it upsets him when I don't answer and he knows I have my phone.  When I was talking to him, I felt pressure.  To make sure I kept calm.  I don't know if he was trying to talk calmly or if he was prodding me to see if I would get upset.  All I know is I don't like feeling pressured to forgive him and tell him I am staying.

He went to get coffee and is back.  Will update later.

[Skip]

Have you talked to the DV people you worked with last time?

[I Am Redeemed]

When my stbx uBPDh finally realized I meant what I said and I wasn't moving back in with him, and this wasn't like all the other times where I just gave in and took him back, he started in wit the paranoia about my seeing or talking to someone else. He got it in his head that the only way I would not come back to him was if I was already seeing someone else.

One of the main reasons I went NC last October is because he used my phone to call his mom and then proceeded to go through it even though I asked him not to. He found some completely benign texts that he thought were "evidence" that I was lying and seeing someone else. We had already been separated almost a year at this time, so we technically weren't even "together", but I had not decided to file for divorce yet.

He got really paranoid about the texts. Next thing I know he hacked into my messenger account, and read some more (completely not-even-close-to-seeing-someone messages) and he pretended to be okay about it. Calm. Said he was going to go check the coolant in my van for me, because it was leaking. When he came back, he suddenly lost it. Tried to interrogate me. I tried to leave, and my car wouldn't start. I had to spend the night at his hotel because he had my phone and I had my son and did not know what to do. He tried to make me sleep with him, basically sexually assaulted me. Interrogated me. Gaslighted me. Threatened divorce, broke down crying, tried to hold me...it was a nightmare. He missed a half day of work the next day pretending to "fix" my van. Said it was the fuel pump. Offered to come to my house and take the one off the old van I had that did not run anymore and fix the other one. I ended up towing the van to a mechanic and found out nothing was wrong with it. Nothing. It conveniently didn't start the night he didn't want me to leave, but it started for the mechanic and has run every day since. That is when I went to the DV office and went NC.

Said all that to say this: Be alert, and be careful.

   

Redeemed

[Frankee]

I talked with my counselor.  She made me feel better.  I didn't tell her about exactly what happened that night.  I told her about the screaming on the street corner and shoving.  I am still trying to figure out how I want to go about things. 

My H pulled some snippet comments about my phone.  Since he thought I was hiding something, I left my phone in the car one time to go in the house to get something.  He of course went through it like I knew he would.  He first said something about how he noticed his browsing history is linked up to my phone, I said probably because we share phone account.  He made a slide comment about how it's fine because he's not doing anything wrong and he has nothing to hide.  I shrugged it off.  I know about incognito browsing, but I wasn't about to pick a fight.  He asked me about some guy's profile.  I said yes, I received a friend request, didn't know who it was, looked at his FB profile, said nope, and deleted the friend request.  No JADE, didn't say anything else after that.  I have nothing to hide either except this web page, which I have made sure to stay incognito and never check when he's around.

We had a heated discussion a couple nights ago.  Talking about the night the incident happened.  Since he can't remember anything, he asked me if it was really bad as I was making it out to be.  I said that I remember it very well because of how scared I was and what you did.  Then I caught on to what he was trying to do.  He kept saying he wasn't trying to downplay it, but it sure felt that way.  He decided to talk about me putting my hands on him too that night.  I told him that he shoved me first and I was fighting him back.  He kept trying to level the argument by trying to say that he knows he shouldn't had done what he did, but I put my hands on him too.  He also decided to bring up the past few times where I put my hands on him when he didn't do it to me first when I got angry.  He told me to stop hitting him and I kept doing it.  It turned into me also emotionally abusing him and putting my hands on him out of anger.  He wants to compare the horrible things that he has done to me to me smacking him and fighting back.  I did tell him that I know it's not right for anyone to put their hands on anybody else like that out of anger.

I tried to talk to him about things that happened before, but he always pulls of the "okay, well let's talk about all the lying you did to me".  I gave up.  It's obvious that he refuses to talk civilly about things that has been done.

I have been coasting along, trying to get to a point where I feel I am able to make the decisions I need too.  When I don't think about what's really going on between us, I am okay.  When I come on here and start typing out how I feel, it doesn't feel okay. 

I talked to my therapist and I think I have realized something in talking to her.  He has made comments about me becoming more meaner.  I analyzed it and I think what is really happening is that now I am more confident to say something.  When I feel like something is wrong and I feel like he is trying to manipulate the situation, I am more inclined to not give in and to actually try to openly discuss it.  It usually turns into a fight, but I think that is progress on my end.  He doesn't seem to like it because before I would give in a lot easier.

[I Am Redeemed]

My uBPDh used to do that same thing. It's a form of blameshifting. It's admitting that the behavior was wrong, but minimizing it by saying it's no more wrong than what you do or have done. I absolutely think that his asking you if it was really as bad as you described is another minimization. He's kind of insinuating that you are exaggerating or overreacting and he isn't willing to accept that what he did was that bad.

I also got accused of being abusive when I fought him back and screamed hurtful things out of anger when he was raging and being violent toward me. Not saying that I always handled everything properly, but for God's sake, it's freaking exhausting to live with someone like that every day who might flip out and physically attack you for some perceived slight. I know that I reacted in a radioactive manner sometimes. The difference in his behavior and mine is that he did it to gain power and maintain control, and he operated from a place of insecurity and rejection sensitivity. I operated from a place of being worn down physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Redeemed

[Cat Familiar]

Frankee, I'm concerned that you're not telling your counselor the whole story. Why are you not disclosing everything?

[GaGrl]

That was the same question that occurred to me. Frankie?...

[Frankee]

My uBPDh used to do that same thing. It's a form of blameshifting. It's admitting that the behavior was wrong, but minimizing it by saying it's no more wrong than what you do or have done. I absolutely think that his asking you if it was really as bad as you described is another minimization. He's kind of insinuating that you are exaggerating or overreacting and he isn't willing to accept that what he did was that bad.

I also got accused of being abusive when I fought him back and screamed hurtful things out of anger when he was raging and being violent toward me. Not saying that I always handled everything properly, but for God's sake, it's freaking exhausting to live with someone like that every day who might flip out and physically attack you for some perceived slight. I know that I reacted in a radioactive manner sometimes. The difference in his behavior and mine is that he did it to gain power and maintain control, and he operated from a place of insecurity and rejection sensitivity. I operated from a place of being worn down physically, mentally, and emotionally.

When he asked me if it was as bad as I said, I couldn't hide the look of utter disbelief.  He minimized it.  Even for the sake of just ending the fight, I took my blame for shoving him.

He even told me that he intentionally left his pill at home that night it happened.  Told me it was obvious that he didn't want to go out, said I forced him to go out, that I was just at as much fault as him because I didn't ask him enough if he was okay or wanted to go home.  He admitted to intentionally leaving his pill and continuing to party and drink.  Imagine my shock when he said he intentionally left his pill at the house.  Blameshifting.

His latest go to comment about me, is I am being cold and mean.  I had just gotten done dealing with the youngest last night, I come out and crash on the couch and start dozing off.  He literally waited until I had come out after an hour to say he needed food.  Then proceeded to start a fight about my "attitude".  I told him this morning that I get frustrated because he acts like he will starve if I don't feed him.  He upset because I ignore him, I don't touch him enough, I don't rub his back, I don't make dinner anymore.

Frankee, I'm concerned that you're not telling your counselor the whole story. Why are you not disclosing everything?

I am worried they are going to start making decisions for me and tell me what I need to do.  What he did that night was unforgivable.  I don't want to be pressured to make any life altering changes at this very moment when I am not in a good place.  We are in between houses, I have a very huge responsibility with school, I am worried about how I am going to take care of the boys right now.

I really feel I have gotten to the point emotionally where I am shutting down to the point of no return with him.  He said I am holding onto the anger, maybe I am.  I see he's trying, very hard.  I just think it is really too late.  He wants me to be like how I was before.  I would be upset, but I wouldn't be so cold.  I can't help it.  I can't help hiding the way I feel about him.  It feels fake, it feels like I am not being true to myself anymore.  When I get to this point, it is because I have tried so hard, but I have nothing left to give.


I feel if I tell my counselor everything, they will try to interupt my natural process of letting go.  When I stop finding good enough reasons to stay, then I will be able to really let go.

[Cat Familiar]

Can't the man feed himself yet? 

A good counselor will not make decisions for you or tell you what to do.

You're staying, I'm presuming, due to economics. You want to get your nursing degree and it's hard going to school, working, taking care of two kids without help.

Do you think you can maintain the status quo until you get your degree?

[Notwendy]

Frankee- since you choose to stay with him, is there any way to minimize the danger to you?

I don't blame the victim. You are not responsible for his behavior. I don't care how angry someone gets- unless they are physically threatened they should not physically attack someone just because they are angry at them.

That said, it seems there are certain circumstances where your H is prone to doing this.

Let's say your small child thinks he is going to the store to get a cookie. You may not have said this to him, but he knows that there are cookies at the store and he has gotten cookies there before. On the way, he is thinking about the cookies, what kind he wants and how great it is to eat one. Then, he gets there and you say "no cookies".

He's probably going to lose it, but he's four years old and can't hurt you.


Looking at the times your H has "lost it"- it seems to be over the possibility of hooking up with one of your friends. He is at the places where it is happened before. There's alcohol involved. He's probably imagining the hook up and getting aroused.

Then- you say "it's not going to happen". What you said last time was "she doesn't want you". He saw her going with someone else. He should not have hit you, but it was a disappointment and a hit to his ego.

If you know a child is going to have a meltdown at the store, one way to deal with that is to not take him there. One way to hopefully avoid these kinds of scene is to not be in the situation with your H at all. No clubs, no alcohol, no hanging out with potential hook up friends unless it is something you want to do.

He may not like this. He's gotten the expectation in the past that this will happen because it did happen. Now you have changed your mind and he is upset. I don't know how you will reconcile this, but if he gets disappointed when he already is anticipating this, you may be in danger. Is there a way you can not be in this position?

Also while you can defend yourself, resist the urge to hurt back. Keep your words focused on "you" ."I don't want to hook up with my friend" is less hurtful than " she doesn't want you". But if you say anything at all, you need to be in a safe place. I don't know if this is possible. You need to think of your safety at all times.

[Notwendy]

The man can feed himself but he wants the attention and the validation from you cooking for him.

I deal with that too. It's crazy making. I actually like to cook but when it's emotional caretaking it's a turn off.

He's noticing your focus has shifted off him and doesn't like it.

Stay safe and be careful.

[babyducks]

I am worried they are going to start making decisions for me and tell me what I need to do.  What he did that night was unforgivable.  I don't want to be pressured to make any life altering changes at this very moment when I am not in a good place...

I feel if I tell my counselor everything, they will try to interupt my natural process of letting go.  When I stop finding good enough reasons to stay, then I will be able to really let go.

Hi Frankee,

Can you say more about this?   What is your natural process of letting go?   What does that look like?

Do you feel like you need to be in a good place, or a better place to before you can make life altering changes?    Where you in a good place when you enrolled in school?

[Frankee]

Can't the man feed himself yet? 

A good counselor will not make decisions for you or tell you what to do.

You're staying, I'm presuming, due to economics. You want to get your nursing degree and it's hard going to school, working, taking care of two kids without help.

Do you think you can maintain the status quo until you get your degree?

We've had enough fights about the food situation where he actually made his own food the other night.

We had another fight today.  It started off with him getting upset about me not answering the phone when he calls or texts.  I got frustrated because he's constantly saying I am ignoring him.  I am left feeling like, how much more do you want from me?  When we argue and he calls me out about saying I am leaving, I am ignoring him, I am being mean, etc.  I don't deny it and it upsets him.  He wants me to reassure him it isn't true and I don't even think to reassure him because he's not completely wrong. 

When he has a problem or something is bothering him, he feels that I argue and have to justify why I am doing what I am doing.  I know I shouldn't JADE, but I have practiced JADE for so long, I feel worn out for it.  He wants me to just say I am sorry and I will work on it.  A simple request, yet most of the time, I would rather yell at him that he is being an a$$hole.  I am not sure what to do about that.

I deal with that too. It's crazy making. I actually like to cook but when it's emotional caretaking it's a turn off.

He's noticing your focus has shifted off him and doesn't like it.

I like to make nice meals, but he makes me feel guilty if I don't do the whole midnight snack like I use to.

He keeps saying I am ignoring him.  I am frustrated because I feel that I am strung so thin that the time I make for him is as much time as I can with everything else going on.

Even when he sends messages saying he understands, trying to point out how I am acting (which he isn't wrong), and asking me to be more open and honest.  He has gotten better and I can talk to him more openly.  My issue I am struggling with is, I feel angry towards him.  Even the last text message he sent, it wasn't angry, it was understanding, but even what he said, just rubbed me the wrong way. 

I almost feel like I don't want him to try to work through it.  I want to fight with him.  I want to push him away.  He has become better at communicating.  I just can't figure out why I feel the way I do.  A large part of me wants to shove him as far away as I can, while a small part of me sees the change he has made a wants to work through it.  What worries me is the last couple of times recently I have felt really good, I was by myself in the car listening to music.  When my mood went down is was right after I went home and he had to start with something that was "bothering him".

What am I supposed to do about fighting my mental struggle of how to feel about him.  I think I need to tell my therapist.

[Cat Familiar]

You feel what you feel. You spent a lot of time pushing down those feelings and trying to feel differently than you do. At this point, you're no longer able to put on a veneer of happy OK-ness. That is your current reality. It might change in the future.