Coffee Meets Bagel Year Long Nightmare - Heartbroken

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

**So sorry that this is long - but so much damage has been incurred for a year and I feel the need to get all of this out. For those who read this, many thanks.**

A little over a year ago, I met this introverted software engineer for a drink at a bar in the city. He was quiet, almost 5 years younger than me, different from others I have dated - I mostly dated older extroverts. The conversation was a little awkward at first, as I could tell he was a bit on the shy side, and then it picked up when the subject of Christian faith came up. After our date, he mentioned that he wanted to hang out again and talked about future concert events that were 5 months away, which I thought was a little forward, but I also found it endearing. After a couple of weeks, he called me up one night admitting he was in a terrible mood because he was in a heated argument with a "friend." This "friend" turned out to be a much older ex (12 years older) who broke up with him about a year prior. After a few dates, I learned that they hung out together a couple of times a month, and every time they talked on the phone or hung out, he would end up irrationally angry. After about 3 months of dating, I brought up exclusivity and he was reluctant, but decided to give it a try. One day, he said he would be unavailable to attend church with me on a Sunday, and when I questioned why and asked if he was going to hang out with his ex, he called me childish and irrational, and I started to cry. And it turned out that he had brunch plans with her that day.

During month 4, he blurted out that he loved me in the middle of the night and took it back the next day. I was completely dumbfounded, offended and hurt. A couple of days later, he admitted to me that he was not over his ex and didn't know if he wanted to continue a relationship with me. I was devastated and ended things in month 5. During months 6-8, he stuck around, we hung around but started arguing, and he continued to pine over her. He told me that he had absolutely no will to live, that it was in God's will that he was alive, and nothing would be better than to end his life. He told my pastor that he wanted to shoot himself in the head one night after a conversation with his ex - the person he continued to label as his "friend." My pastor and I both told him that in order to heal, he needs counseling and to let her go. He refused to listen. I learned that growing up, his father was in the military and that his whole family was subject to physical abuse - I learned of more grotesque details but I must spare them for his sake. 

I started to notice how he complained about his job incessantly, that besides his ex-girlfriend and me, he had no other friends, he picked fights with people on the road constantly, and he had no hobbies. His apartment was always a mess, and he was either drinking, vaping, watching porn, or chewing on nicotine gum. He also formed a horrible habit of saying things to me and taking them back minutes or days later, and forgot most details about my life. He never showed up on time, called me odd hours, would show up to my house unannounced, and drag me out to late night diners. He never planned one date for us, he would fall asleep as soon as he got home from work, and slept most of the weekends away.

I attempted to initiate the "no contact" rule by the end of the summer, and I made the mistake of leaning on him when my family dealt with a crisis. He started to come around more, and the arguments grew more severe every single time his ex called. By October, somehow, we mutually agreed to be locked into a relationship with one another. However, I could not trust him based on the way he treated me. I learned that he lied to me about two pairs of concert tickets that he bought while we initially started dating - he bought them with the intention of asking his ex, and not me, his girlfriend. Once I found out one night, we got into a severe argument and he kicked me out of his car. I started to attend counseling sessions to deal with all of this, and he insisted that I quit counseling - that he was all I needed.Things calmed down after we went on a mini-vacation together to London, but the arguments resumed around Thanksgiving. I asked him why we weren't friends on social media, and he threw in a million excuses, when it turns out that he didn't want her to know of anything we did together as a couple. Once he relented and added me on social media, I saw that they posted lovey-dovey photos and shout outs when they were in a relationship, and he posted absolutely nothing we did together from February-November. He invited me to meet his family for Christmas when he got back from ATL after Thanksgiving, and bought himself one plane ticket.

By the time December 22nd came around, even though we agreed to exchange Christmas presents, he bought gifts for everyone but me, and I got upset. It should be noted that I don't care about material things, but he has never prioritized our relationship in any way, shape or form. He threw a dramatic fit and told his family he would not be returning home for Xmas, and without them ever having met me, they blamed me immediately. I pushed him to go home, and I was blamed for purposely withholding him from flying back. He smashed two of his guitars and beer bottles out of self-anger before he flew to Atlanta. I was cursed out in a nasty Facebook message and text message by his little sister - which really speaks volumes about his whole family dynamic. He had no choice but to come clean to his family about his suicidal behavior, his depression, his inability to let go of his ex and the way he treated me. His father dismissed the mental illness, but also told him that if he wants to get serious with me, he cannot have his ex in his life.

Allegedly, he told his ex that it's best that she doesn't call him anymore. His ex allegedly lashed out, insulted me, insulted his faith calling it "Jesus bull___" and guilted him. When he came back to town around NYE, he claimed that he was going to make things better and to make me trust him again, and that he was going to do anything to make it work between us. We argued and he sprayed Axe body spray in his eyes and tried to light his sleeves on fire with a kitchen lighter. He swore up and down that she was no longer in his life, even though it was not necessarily what he wanted. On January 6th at midnight - on his birthday - his ex's name popped up in a text (he had his phone in his hands looking at a site with me) - and she wished him a happy birthday. I was unhappy and he claims that he didn't know that she would contact him. I planned an entire day of a woodworking workshop, a dinner at a highly acclaimed restaurant, and I bought him an expensive guitar to replace the ones that he smashed. A week later, I found him on the kitchen floor crying with a bottle of alcohol and his phone in hand. I noticed that his "last seen" status on Whatsapp was at 3:00 a.m., and I asked him point blank the next day if he was talking to his ex. I asked him several times, because I could not trust him, and he told me he has not been in contact with her.

By February 9th, Valentine's Day and our one year anniversary was approaching, and needless to say, I was pretty fed up. I felt used, emotionally drained, and I felt like my needs were not met. Each time I brought these issues up, he manipulated me with false promises of "I'll try harder." On February 9th, he was acting very strangely, and we argued and he told me he did not want to see me because he "needed a day to himself." I asked him why, and he became extremely defensive and painted me to be crazy, and hung up on me. I told him that I wanted to go over to his place to talk it out, and he threatened to have me put in jail if I showed up. Well, let me tell you, I did go crazy. After a year of the deceit, the mistreatment, the manipulation, the push and pull, I lost it.  120 missed phone calls and one accidental pick up where I heard a woman's voice in the background, I knew he was with her. The next day, he called me the devil and told me that I was not a Christian, and that I was a terrible person. When I asked him calmly who he was with, he knew he was cornered. With his permission, I went to his apartment to return gifts he gave to me, and he shoved me against the door and tried to force kiss me to make things better. I pushed him away and he forced affection harder and told me over and over that he loves me. I asked him what he did with her, and it turns out that they went to dinner, he bought tickets for them three weeks in advance to see a Jazz band at an orchestra theater and they went out drinking together with a friend of her's afterwards. I lashed out and attempted to leave and he held me in a bear hug position, physically restraining from leaving to the point where it hurt, and as I broke free and made a mad dash to the door, he slammed it and cornered me. I refused his forced affection and he got in my face and started to curse at me and then he told me to "get the ___ out of his apartment." I broke up with him the next day, but he insisted on spending Valentine's day with me. A week after this fiasco and a failed Valentine's Day which led to an argument outside of my house, I got in his face when I saw that his ex was texting and calling nonstop (after I sent a not so nice message to her days prior) and he warned me that if I got any closer I would get hurt. He smashed a glass bottle by my feet and pulled a knife to his wrist.

I couldn't believe that this monstrous side of him fully came out last month. On President's Day, the non-stop text messages came from his ex, and he took me to a spa to get a massage, only to drop the bomb on me 5 minutes afterwards that he cannot let go of his friendship with her and that he wanted to break free from me and the toxicity. He told me that he didn't want to hurt me anymore, and that he needed to fix a struggling friendship with her. He told me that she was going through a rough break up and that this guy emotionally cheated on her (they dated for maybe 5 months) and that she was lying on the floor praying to Jesus and that she was disappointed that he wasn't there for her as a friend. She cursed him out when he wasn't responding much over the weekend, and he succumbed to her manipulation. He claimed that I was the best girlfriend he ever had, but he needed to work things out and he was confused about so many things, and that because he was not sure if he wanted to marry me or not, he could not cut a friend out of his life. I harbored a hatred for this woman - the woman that would not let him heal, the woman that would call him up to talk about the men she dates and about her sex life, the woman that would ask a million questions about me and try to pry into our relationship, the woman that insulted him on a constant basis. But I knew that the blame ultimately came down to his mental illness (which remains undiagnosed) and my inability to let go.

The last communication that him and I had was on Monday, February 25th - a phone call that broke me. He called me to check up on me, and I broke down crying asking him if he had any regrets and if he still loved me. He told me that I had no self-respect, I let people walk all over me, I suffocate and torture him all day long, and that if there was any chance for reconciliation, "I ruined it." He told me that while he cares about me and loves me as a person, he is not in love with me and he feels sorry for me. He admitted that he might still have feelings for his ex and that he needed to find his closure with her, even if it took another year, and that he was not in a position to be in a relationship. He also snapped and said, "Let me break it down for you, you and I are SPLIT, we are OVER, we are NOT getting back together EVER again. I can be a FRIEND, but THAT'S IT. I NEED SPACE." I snapped and told him, "I can't believe you chose her over me after everything we've been through." He snapped right back, "And what has she EVER DONE TO ME?" I was devastated by this phone call, and I texted him to let him have it and that was that. He did not respond, and we have not spoken since.

I spent a year listening to him spew hatred about others on a consistent basis, theories that the world is evil and everyone is evil, sob stories about how nobody cares about him, and I stayed up at all hours hearing him talk. My needs for a relationship were never met, and if I got upset about something, he would Venmo me an exorbitant amount of money to somehow make up for it but I always returned it. I would be considered lucky if after a year, he knew what my favorite color was. I sent him multiple resources on family doctors, psychiatrists, apartment listings, articles, and tried so hard to make him happy. I planned the dates, itineraries if we went away somewhere, bought him expensive gifts (which he will not return to me), cooked for him, and I lost myself in the process. I am completely heartbroken, knowing that he most likely pulled a devaluation and discard. He put his ex back up on the pedestal where he originally placed her, and I don't know how to go on each day without bursting into tears. I still love and care about him, and I truly hope he gets help, but had I known he had BPD, I would've never gotten involved.

[Discarded718]

**So sorry that this is long - but so much damage has been incurred for a year and I feel the need to get all of this out. For those who read this, many thanks.**

A little over a year ago, I met this introverted software engineer for a drink at a bar in the city. He was quiet, almost 5 years younger than me, different from others I have dated - I mostly dated older extroverts. The conversation was a little awkward at first, as I could tell he was a bit on the shy side, and then it picked up when the subject of Christian faith came up. After our date, he mentioned that he wanted to hang out again and talked about future concert events that were 5 months away, which I thought was a little forward, but I also found it endearing. After a couple of weeks, he called me up one night admitting he was in a terrible mood because he was in a heated argument with a "friend." This "friend" turned out to be a much older ex (12 years older) who broke up with him about a year prior. After a few dates, I learned that they hung out together a couple of times a month, and every time they talked on the phone or hung out, he would end up irrationally angry. After about 3 months of dating, I brought up exclusivity and he was reluctant, but decided to give it a try. One day, he said he would be unavailable to attend church with me on a Sunday, and when I questioned why and asked if he was going to hang out with his ex, he called me childish and irrational, and I started to cry. And it turned out that he had brunch plans with her that day.

During month 4, he blurted out that he loved me in the middle of the night and took it back the next day. I was completely dumbfounded, offended and hurt. A couple of days later, he admitted to me that he was not over his ex and didn't know if he wanted to continue a relationship with me. I was devastated and ended things in month 5. During months 6-8, he stuck around, we hung around but started arguing, and he continued to pine over her. He told me that he had absolutely no will to live, that it was in God's will that he was alive, and nothing would be better than to end his life. He told my pastor that he wanted to shoot himself in the head one night after a conversation with his ex - the person he continued to label as his "friend." My pastor and I both told him that in order to heal, he needs counseling and to let her go. He refused to listen. I learned that growing up, his father was in the military and that his whole family was subject to physical abuse - I learned of more grotesque details but I must spare them for his sake. 

I started to notice how he complained about his job incessantly, that besides his ex-girlfriend and me, he had no other friends, he picked fights with people on the road constantly, and he had no hobbies. His apartment was always a mess, and he was either drinking, vaping, watching porn, or chewing on nicotine gum. He also formed a horrible habit of saying things to me and taking them back minutes or days later, and forgot most details about my life. He never showed up on time, called me odd hours, would show up to my house unannounced, and drag me out to late night diners. He never planned one date for us, he would fall asleep as soon as he got home from work, and slept most of the weekends away.

I attempted to initiate the "no contact" rule by the end of the summer, and I made the mistake of leaning on him when my family dealt with a crisis. He started to come around more, and the arguments grew more severe every single time his ex called. By October, somehow, we mutually agreed to be locked into a relationship with one another. However, I could not trust him based on the way he treated me. I learned that he lied to me about two pairs of concert tickets that he bought while we initially started dating - he bought them with the intention of asking his ex, and not me, his girlfriend. Once I found out one night, we got into a severe argument and he kicked me out of his car. I started to attend counseling sessions to deal with all of this, and he insisted that I quit counseling - that he was all I needed.Things calmed down after we went on a mini-vacation together to London, but the arguments resumed around Thanksgiving. I asked him why we weren't friends on social media, and he threw in a million excuses, when it turns out that he didn't want her to know of anything we did together as a couple. Once he relented and added me on social media, I saw that they posted lovey-dovey photos and shout outs when they were in a relationship, and he posted absolutely nothing we did together from February-November. He invited me to meet his family for Christmas when he got back from ATL after Thanksgiving, and bought himself one plane ticket.

By the time December 22nd came around, even though we agreed to exchange Christmas presents, he bought gifts for everyone but me, and I got upset. It should be noted that I don't care about material things, but he has never prioritized our relationship in any way, shape or form. He threw a dramatic fit and told his family he would not be returning home for Xmas, and without them ever having met me, they blamed me immediately. I pushed him to go home, and I was blamed for purposely withholding him from flying back. He smashed two of his guitars and beer bottles out of self-anger before he flew to Atlanta. I was cursed out in a nasty Facebook message and text message by his little sister - which really speaks volumes about his whole family dynamic. He had no choice but to come clean to his family about his suicidal behavior, his depression, his inability to let go of his ex and the way he treated me. His father dismissed the mental illness, but also told him that if he wants to get serious with me, he cannot have his ex in his life.

Allegedly, he told his ex that it's best that she doesn't call him anymore. His ex allegedly lashed out, insulted me, insulted his faith calling it "Jesus bull___" and guilted him. When he came back to town around NYE, he claimed that he was going to make things better and to make me trust him again, and that he was going to do anything to make it work between us. We argued and he sprayed Axe body spray in his eyes and tried to light his sleeves on fire with a kitchen lighter. He swore up and down that she was no longer in his life, even though it was not necessarily what he wanted. On January 6th at midnight - on his birthday - his ex's name popped up in a text (he had his phone in his hands looking at a site with me) - and she wished him a happy birthday. I was unhappy and he claims that he didn't know that she would contact him. I planned an entire day of a woodworking workshop, a dinner at a highly acclaimed restaurant, and I bought him an expensive guitar to replace the ones that he smashed. A week later, I found him on the kitchen floor crying with a bottle of alcohol and his phone in hand. I noticed that his "last seen" status on Whatsapp was at 3:00 a.m., and I asked him point blank the next day if he was talking to his ex. I asked him several times, because I could not trust him, and he told me he has not been in contact with her.

By February 9th, Valentine's Day and our one year anniversary was approaching, and needless to say, I was pretty fed up. I felt used, emotionally drained, and I felt like my needs were not met. Each time I brought these issues up, he manipulated me with false promises of "I'll try harder." On February 9th, he was acting very strangely, and we argued and he told me he did not want to see me because he "needed a day to himself." I asked him why, and he became extremely defensive and painted me to be crazy, and hung up on me. I told him that I wanted to go over to his place to talk it out, and he threatened to have me put in jail if I showed up. Well, let me tell you, I did go crazy. After a year of the deceit, the mistreatment, the manipulation, the push and pull, I lost it.  120 missed phone calls and one accidental pick up where I heard a woman's voice in the background, I knew he was with her. The next day, he called me the devil and told me that I was not a Christian, and that I was a terrible person. When I asked him calmly who he was with, he knew he was cornered. With his permission, I went to his apartment to return gifts he gave to me, and he shoved me against the door and tried to force kiss me to make things better. I pushed him away and he forced affection harder and told me over and over that he loves me. I asked him what he did with her, and it turns out that they went to dinner, he bought tickets for them three weeks in advance to see a Jazz band at an orchestra theater and they went out drinking together with a friend of her's afterwards. I lashed out and attempted to leave and he held me in a bear hug position, physically restraining from leaving to the point where it hurt, and as I broke free and made a mad dash to the door, he slammed it and cornered me. I refused his forced affection and he got in my face and started to curse at me and then he told me to "get the ___ out of his apartment." I broke up with him the next day, but he insisted on spending Valentine's day with me. A week after this fiasco and a failed Valentine's Day which led to an argument outside of my house, I got in his face when I saw that his ex was texting and calling nonstop (after I sent a not so nice message to her days prior) and he warned me that if I got any closer I would get hurt. He smashed a glass bottle by my feet and pulled a knife to his wrist.

I couldn't believe that this monstrous side of him fully came out last month. On President's Day, the non-stop text messages came from his ex, and he took me to a spa to get a massage, only to drop the bomb on me 5 minutes afterwards that he cannot let go of his friendship with her and that he wanted to break free from me and the toxicity. He told me that he didn't want to hurt me anymore, and that he needed to fix a struggling friendship with her. He told me that she was going through a rough break up and that this guy emotionally cheated on her (they dated for maybe 5 months) and that she was lying on the floor praying to Jesus and that she was disappointed that he wasn't there for her as a friend. She cursed him out when he wasn't responding much over the weekend, and he succumbed to her manipulation. He claimed that I was the best girlfriend he ever had, but he needed to work things out and he was confused about so many things, and that because he was not sure if he wanted to marry me or not, he could not cut a friend out of his life. I harbored a hatred for this woman - the woman that would not let him heal, the woman that would call him up to talk about the men she dates and about her sex life, the woman that would ask a million questions about me and try to pry into our relationship, the woman that insulted him on a constant basis. But I knew that the blame ultimately came down to his mental illness (which remains undiagnosed) and my inability to let go.

The last communication that him and I had was on Monday, February 25th - a phone call that broke me. He called me to check up on me, and I broke down crying asking him if he had any regrets and if he still loved me. He told me that I had no self-respect, I let people walk all over me, I suffocate and torture him all day long, and that if there was any chance for reconciliation, "I ruined it." He told me that while he cares about me and loves me as a person, he is not in love with me and he feels sorry for me. He admitted that he might still have feelings for his ex and that he needed to find his closure with her, even if it took another year, and that he was not in a position to be in a relationship. He also snapped and said, "Let me break it down for you, you and I are SPLIT, we are OVER, we are NOT getting back together EVER again. I can be a FRIEND, but THAT'S IT. I NEED SPACE." I snapped and told him, "I can't believe you chose her over me after everything we've been through." He snapped right back, "And what has she EVER DONE TO ME?" I was devastated by this phone call, and I texted him to let him have it and that was that. He did not respond, and we have not spoken since.

I spent a year listening to him spew hatred about others on a consistent basis, theories that the world is evil and everyone is evil, sob stories about how nobody cares about him, and I stayed up at all hours hearing him talk. My needs for a relationship were never met, and if I got upset about something, he would Venmo me an exorbitant amount of money to somehow make up for it but I always returned it. I would be considered lucky if after a year, he knew what my favorite color was. I sent him multiple resources on family doctors, psychiatrists, apartment listings, articles, and tried so hard to make him happy. I planned the dates, itineraries if we went away somewhere, bought him expensive gifts (which he will not return to me), cooked for him, and I lost myself in the process. I am completely heartbroken, knowing that he most likely pulled a devaluation and discard. He put his ex back up on the pedestal where he originally placed her, and I don't know how to go on each day without bursting into tears. I still love and care about him, and I truly hope he gets help, but had I known he had BPD, I would've never gotten involved.

[Mindfried]

After reading your post, as painful as it is for you, you are clearly better off. Once all the emotional pain heals, you will be able to see more clearly and realise the best thing that happened to you was to get out of a toxic relationship that would have destroyed you mentally in the long run. Look at it as a positive.

[Discarded718]

Thank you for your words of encouragement. It's been a tough internal battle for me for the last couple of weeks. I found out yesterday that he reached out to a friend of mine to return a guitar he borrowed, and he also asked my friend to have lunch with him. My friend told me that as soon as they met up he asked about me right away and asked if I was doing okay. I don't want to read too much into it, but I sort of think it was inappropriate that he met up with my friend for lunch and unloaded his life and problems onto him.

[once removed]

unresolved previous relationships can really plague a new one, and that certainly seems the case here.

how are you holding up?

[Discarded718]

It's been a full month since we've seen each other, and almost a full month since no contact. The only thing I've really heard of him is that my friend told me that they had a quick bite together a couple of weeks ago and he asked about me. He also told my friend that he went to see a doctor for a routine physical, and that doctor told him that he needs to see a psychiatrist. Other than that, I really have no idea if he's back with her or how he's doing or anything really. It's been pretty painful - as I was the last person to deliver text messages a month ago and he responded to none of them, so I stopped the pursuit and went cold turkey. I have so many questions and there are a lot of things I can't wrap my head around. Thanks for asking, really appreciate it.

[once removed]

I have so many questions and there are a lot of things I can't wrap my head around.

maybe we can help. whats on your mind?

[Discarded718]

Thanks a lot. Here's what's weighing on me

-Why did he pursue me if he wasn't over his ex and why did he string me along for so long?
-Why did he lie to me so much?
-Did he ever actually care about me or love me?
-Why did I get the silent treatment despite the fact that he was the one that did me wrong?
-Why did he reach out to my friend for lunch to ask about me and to tell that friend that a doctor told him to get psychiatric help, and why did he tell my friend that the reason we broke up was because I was "uncomfortable with his friendship with his ex - and it wasn't even like that." One of the most hurtful things he said to me a month ago was that there was the possibility that he was still in love with her.
-Why did this ex constantly pursue him and hang out with him, only to tell him each time that she wasn't interested in him, and she would call him to tell him about her sex life and her other lovers. When he started to ignore her upon my request around Xmas, a flip switched and she started badgering him and telling him that a guy she dated "emotionally cheated on her" and she was on the floor crying and needed his friendship and guilted him for being there for her. That's what led to jazz/dinner night behind my back. Once I confronted her, she started calling him nonstop and served him an ultimatum saying that if he wanted me then they couldn't be friends. The last time I saw him, which was a month ago, he said he needed to fix a struggling friendship with her. 
-Why did he tell me so many lies and proclamations of "I'm not going anywhere," "I love you," "I'm going to win your trust back," and do the exact opposite?

I'm just in so much disbelief that this guy would tell me that I was the best girlfriend he ever had, and I let him string me along and manipulate me for an entire year, and now I'm disregarded after the damage has been done. Is he feeling any remorse for any of this at all? From the last phone call which continued via text, I was met with a whole bunch of "I'm sorry" texts to get me off his case, and I sent him a last long paragraph and told him that he didn't deserve to be in my life in any capacity and we are to go on no contact until after April 1st, and he should be ashamed of himself. He didn't respond to any of that. He just went radio silent and I never bothered to text him/call him again after I sent my final messages. I have zero closure, and I keep thinking the worst that he's back with her. I have shown him more patience, more generosity, more care and attention than anyone else has shown him in his life (according to him), and I feel like he discarded me so easily. I just don't get it.

[Sandb2015]

Discarded718,

I'm sorry you have this unfinished business, it is terrible to have believed wholeheartedly in the words we needed and they didn't have the meaning we wanted so badly.  We give into something great, wonderful, we have faith in another person, It is devastating.

Give yourself some credit for being able to give them yourself the way you did, it means you are alive in heart and mind in this world.

I'm curious, why set a expiration date on the NC?  What do you think would have happened prior to that day?

Are you prepared to reach out again or know how you will react if he reaches out to you?

[Discarded718]

Thanks @SandB2015 - I think for whatever reason I held onto a semblance of hope that he would change his mind, but he hasn’t reached out to me at all. I don’t think I have any intention of reaching out to him, because he said so many hurtful things last time that I can’t subject myself to that type of damage and humiliation again. He didn’t delete my number or delete me off of any social media - so I had to pull the plug and delete him recently. I also don’t think he’s going to reach out to me again, so in actuality, throwing out the date of April 1st seems silly now.

Discarded718,

I'm sorry you have this unfinished business, it is terrible to have believed wholeheartedly in the words we needed and they didn't have the meaning we wanted so badly.  We give into something great, wonderful, we have faith in another person, It is devastating.

Give yourself some credit for being able to give them yourself the way you did, it means you are alive in heart and mind in this world.

I'm curious, why set a expiration date on the NC?  What do you think would have happened prior to that day?

Are you prepared to reach out again or know how you will react if he reaches out to you?

[Sandb2015]

Discarded718,

You sound pretty clear in your feelings compared to me.

I also thought about these dates, if she does this by then or doesn't do, I will do this.  It was all silliness grounded on some magic and not boundaries.

I'm still in the "bettering" area and I get lost in the "right now" most of the time, when I relax my mind, practice some self awareness, the "right now" slips away and a bigger picture starts to show.

If he did reach out, would you have the same stance and remember why you pulled the plug?

[Discarded718]

Honestly, I put up a decent front, but I'm dying inside. I cried yesterday driving to church, triggered by the fact that when I confronted him about him going behind my back to go out with his ex, I keep thinking about that day when he physically restrained me from leaving, pinned me up against a wall and force kissed me, telling me he loves me, and when I refused his advances, he got in my face and cursed at me. A week later,  he used intimidation and threat by smashing glass at my feet and turning a knife to his wrist, followed by a threat to commit suicide if I left his apartment, then he turned everything around on me the next day and said he needed space, and a week after that, accused me of smothering and torturing him, disregarding the abuse he unleashed on me. At this point, I'm being victim shamed by my own friends and family, accusing me of loving drama, accusing me of picking broken men, accusing me of "knowing what I got into with him." I feel lost, and he has not bothered to contact me in a month to even try to apologize, and I keep having nightmares he went back to his equally narcissistic and horrible ex-girlfriend.

[once removed]

i think the fact is, when it comes to unresolved previous relationships, it is rarely personal. its something we generally cant compete with. the bond that we form is shaky. the need to resolve the unfinished business drives everything.

I let him string me along and manipulate me for an entire year, and now I'm disregarded after the damage has been done.

do you think theres some anger at yourself?

[Discarded718]

I'm so angry, because I told him over and over and over that if he was not over her, if he was not ready for a committed relationship with me because he had unresolved issues, that he had a way out and we can move on from each other. I asked him time and again to just be honest and fair with me, and every time I walked away, he said everything he could say to pull me back. He would show up at my house unannounced, send a ton of texts, multiple phone calls and voicemails, and he would overstep these boundaries each time. I'm mad at myself for just not cutting ties when all the red flags were there. I'm mad at myself for not setting these boundaries for myself so that he wouldn't have a way in. I kept telling myself that things might change, I shouldn't be so narrow-minded, I should be more patient, and friends and family kept telling me to run. I didn't listen. And in the end, I became him, in a way. I became that girl that would call nonstop and show up at his apartment to argue, because at this point, my mindset was, he broke my boundaries, now I'm going to break his, because he HAS to know that how he's treating me is wrong. There's still a part of me that hopes that he's getting help, and that someday, he'll wake up and change. But that would take a miracle. I want to let go of this false hope. I'm mad, because I became the worst version of myself with him, and I knew better.

[once removed]

there is definitely an element of selfishness in this sort of dynamic. thats not to say that its intentional, or that a person doing it doesnt have the best of intentions, but in essence, its pretty self centered, needs driven, and hurtful to those on the receiving end.

and its okay to be angry about it.

I want to let go of this false hope.

sometimes i think we have to work through that anger before we get there.

[Discarded718]

On top of that, on Friday, February 22nd, the very last time I saw him, he told me that I was the best girlfriend he ever had, that he's not sure if it's a permanent break up, that he would get jealous if I moved on and that he wasn't jealous when his last ex started dating other guys. On Monday the 25th, he flipped the switch and told me that all I do is suffocate and torture him, that he feels sorry for me, that he might still have feelings for her that he has to work out, that she never did anything wrong to him, and that I destroyed all chances of us getting back together, all because I was crying and asking him if he had any regrets at all, if he had any feelings in him left at all.

I have no idea what is true, and what isn't anymore.